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My Wife Wants to Be a Whore … And She Wants Me to Be Her Pimp!
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The intimate, the harrowing, the sweet, the surprising — the human.
Because if you don’t, 20 other willing participants will.
EUGENE, SIR: My wife has just let me know that she has a whore obsession. We have three kids and have been married since she was 23 and I was 25. She is 45 now and says it had been building for a while but everything about it turns her on. She wanted to tell me because the fantasy was getting overpowering. Not so that I could stop her but because she needed to explain why she had been so bored in bed the last few years. To this end she wants me to be her “pimp.” Find men for her to have sex with. Charge them. She has suggested doing this through Craigslist or Eros Guide. If I say no, I’m afraid she’ll do it anyway. If I say yes I am concerned about the repercussions. Legal and otherwise. What should I do? – Name withheld
Standing between someone and a long-held fantasy is a tough place to be. While on the one hand it’s terrible to think of a fantasy going unrealized, on the other hand your concerns are well placed. Prostitution last year was a $186 billion industry on the backs of about 13,265,900 prostitutes. Women associated with the trade are arrested much more frequently than men, assorted studies show . Which means whether you’re getting busted for pimping or she’s getting busted for whoring, the justice system is, in all likelihood, going to be part of your future.
But these are legal concerns and don’t get to the root of the emotional/relational aspect of what your wife has told you, something that, to my ears, doesn’t sound like it upsets you much and it probably shouldn’t. I mean the last few years of lackluster sex would be enough to open your mind to much that your mind wouldn’t have been open to before. How to handle it is what you’re asking and my suggestion is this: Go to your local swingers’ group and advertise your kink. Under the purview of play and the money not being the primary motive you might be able to avoid legal backlashes. I mean if you’re not collecting cash you’re not a pimp even if the whoring seems the same.
Try this along with whatever seems more comfortable: You being present or you not being present. This will either improve your marriage or kill it but if it doesn’t improve it, it was going to die anyway. It’s a bold giant step into doing something different and adventurous — and it’s dangerous from any number of different viewpoints. But it seems like you’ve reached a crisis point anyway and something needs to be done, so why not this? Conceal it from the kids like you do the rest of your sex life, be super circumspect about it and hope for the best.
EUGENE, SIR: I had deep suspicions that my boyfriend (we live together) was cheating. Mostly on account of finding underwear around that wasn’t mine. I’m not proud of this but I set up a camera so I could see what was happening at our place when I’m not there. He teaches and gets home from work first. I discovered that this is his underwear. I mean it’s women’s underwear but that’s what he is wearing. Other things too. Whole outfits. He’s alone when doing this. Not so fun to watch but not something to end the relationship over. I want to know how to get this out in the open so we don’t have to have secrets. – Colleen
I think you mean you want to know how to get this out in the open without revealing the creepy presence of home surveillance, yes? Since if you reveal you’ve been secretly home taping, it opens up a whole can of worms that causes what you found out to be overshadowed by HOW you found out. And how you found out — by hiding teeny tiny cameras all over the house you shared with one other person — no matter what the motivation, is all harm and foul.
Relationships can be a dirty business and sloppiness regarding the women’s underwear he might be wearing could also be a harbinger of other sloppiness to come. So call what you did dirty due diligence — had he not started it by leaving his flimsy underthings hither and yon, you’d have never gone down the Inspector Gadget road to begin with.
But how to get this out in the open? Well, there are two paths you can go by: Admit to the hidden camera as how you found out or don’t admit to the camera but do admit to the finding of the panties.
The former could also be divided into telling the truth about the camera or telling a lie connected to needing it for “security” reasons or something else similarly threadbare. I’ll never advise you to lie so if you tell the truth you’ll have a lot of heavy lifting to do since it might be argued that he left the underwear around to spark a discussion, not to incur the creep factor of home surveillance, and you may lose this one.
However, if you go with the technically accurate though parsed truth — you found his underwear — this lets you broach the topic without admitting to malfeasance and the discussions can begin. And I’d guess you know that most studies show that this particular kink is not an automatic indicator of homosexuality, if you were even tempted to think that. Moreover there are great resources out there, like Transformation , where he can go as deep as you and he are interested in going.
In any case, asking about the underwear would be a necessary first step and the least loaded and possibly most successful way to go.
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Ronna Benjamin July 1, 2014 6401 views
A Bleached Out Old Whore? was last modified: June 30th, 2014 by Ronna Benjamin
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My niece, my mother, and I were sitting relaxed in my mother’s backyard by the pool for a before-dinner drink. The sun had just started to lower at the end of a hot and humid June day. I was sipping on a glass of Chardonnay. My niece was sipping on an iced tea; my mother was drinking water—apparently the “unfiltered” kind.
“And if I were going to be honest with you today, Ronna, what do you think I would tell you?” my mother asked me, nonchalantly.
“Uh oh,” I thought, “here it comes. She’s about to be honest with me about my hair.“ It’s always about my hair. And it’s usually not good.
My mom never mastered the art of conversational foreplay. She never learned that she was supposed to ask if I wanted her opinion before going in for the big bang.
I sighed. “It’s got to be about my hair, mom,” I replied.
“Because it’s always about my hair.”
Apparently, otherwise I am pretty perfect, because if I weren’t, clearly my mother would have told me.
She took a small breath, as if this were a little hard to get out. But I knew otherwise. It really wasn’t difficult at all.
“To be honest with you… you look like a bleached out old whore.”
My niece almost spit her iced tea all over the table.
I simply took another sip of Chardonnay, and braced myself for the fuller explanation. Because I knew my mother was just warming up. Nearing 80, she was not about to develop the art of tact.
She went on: it’s not the color; it’s the style- too young for me. It is stringy. It is too long.
“But, really, mom, a ‘bleached out old whore’? That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?” I had actually blown my hair dry that very morning. The last time I had looked in the mirror, around noon, it had looked pretty good. Or so I thought.
“Maybe it’s just a mess because it is so humid today, and it’s extra frizzy.” Actually, I had been experimenting for two weeks with not shampooing at all in an effort to tame the frizz and keep the color intact. Apparently, that was not working out so well. I made a mental note to pick up a bottle of non-sulfate shampoo on the way home.
“It is definitely not the frizz. And no, I’m not being harsh . I am just being honest .”
My mother is fiercely proud of her brute (some might say “brutal”) honesty. She explained to my niece, a rising high school senior, how she is the only one in the family everyone can count on to be completely honest with them.
She gave a few examples of her past honesty, though I didn’t need those- I could write a book. She has given her unfiltered opinion about girlfriends and boyfriends of her children and grandchildren, unfiltered opinions about their choice of clothing and home decor (and yes, the pool table is still in my living room.)
She certainly gave an unfiltered opinion when I came home from college with a third hole in my ear, and I was saved from relentless nagging only when my brother came home from college with one in his.
Recently, she has told my beautiful niece– over and over– exactly what she thinks of her new nose piercing (you can imagine.)
It’s interesting to have a mother with no filter. On the one hand, I just love knowing what she thinks. I can always count on her honesty, and that’s important. On the other hand, it’s often plain old mean.
In any case, it was time to end this conversation.
“Mom, did you ever think that’s the look I’m going for? Mike just told me last night that he likes it when I look like a bleached out old whore. It’s sexy.”
Later, I wondered what she might have said if she had actually had a glass of wine that day. Really, how much more unfiltered can you get? Then I picked up the phone and made an appointment with my hair stylist.
After all, bleached out old whore is not really the look I’m going for.
“If I were to be honest with you today, Ronna, what do you think I would tell you?” my mother asked me. I took a gulp of Chardonnay.
My mother told us she is done, ready, the sooner the better.
“I haven’t opened this box in sixty years.” My mother said, as she pulled at the ripped cellophane window on this supposedly preserved box with acid free tissue paper. “To think, we almost threw it away.” I said. I couldn’t believe that I had chosen this day to finally bring…
After 28 years of practicing real estate law, Ronna Benjamin realized how much she loved writing and how much she hated lawyering. She jumped into the world of writing at Better After 50 and never looked back! She is loving her “second act” as Partner and Managing Editor at Better After 50. Ronna writes humorously about the things BA50s are concerned about – personal experiences with adult children, the quirks of aging parents and in-laws, and her own emotional and physical health issues (i.e., insomnia, anxiety, and bulging waist lines). A native Bostonian who loves to spend time with her husband and three adult children, Ronna also enjoys sailing, cooking, running, and biking–and she tolerates skiing so she is not left home during family vacations. Check out her new book “We Are Better After 50 Because…” co-written by Ronna and her BA50 Partner Felice Shapiro, a perfect gift for the birthday girl in her 50’s!
No! You caved??? I was with you all the way through “that’s the look I was going for – Mike thinks it’s sexy”. Then you made the appointment to change it?
My Mom, (no longer with us) had little filter as well. However, I usually knew what battles to simply not have with her. But still, my hairstyle is my own. I do remember growing up as a child, being told, “get your hair out of your face”.
I’m letting my bangs grow out now at the ripe age of 51.
yeah, I caved. I looked in the mirror…
What a nasty, mean, selfish person. Lucky you survived. Keep your niece away from her! I doubt she has many (any?) friends…..
Very funny and truthful. My mother has a very similar style of conversation with me. With her friends she is nothing but pleasant and entertaining. I just spent the last month helping her move from a large house into a much smaller condominium. My hair passed the test, but my newly purchased expensive athletic sports were appalling to her. “Your not going out in that are you? You realize your bra straps are showing, and you can see your butt! I have pants that you could wear.” It is summer. I am at a coastal town in Connecticut. People routinely wear bathing suits into the downtown for shopping, with beach cover ups on. “Mom, it’s a sporty look. I have great legs.” My mother’s response, “but you are over fifty.”
I went up into my room and threw the skort and pretty turquoise matching top into a box I was preparing to send to my oldest adult daughter, who lives in Atlanta. I also got the similar white one out of my drawer and included it as well. I knew I would nev
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