My Gf Is A Slob

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My Gf Is A Slob
My girlfriend is a slob but I can’t say anything.
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My GF (24F) is a slob and I (28M) feel helpless. She almost never cleans and when she does it’s half of what should be done ans she often times leaves more of a mess then when she started. Now before this gets to a point where it sounds sexist or mysoginiatic, slow your roll. I don’t expect her to clean everything while I play cards. It’s the fact of, she will leave trash everywhere and never pick it up, she will walk by trash she left on her way to the trash bin. As we speak she actually vacuumed three days ago and she has left the vacuum in the middle of the hall way. I haven’t moved it just out of principle. It’s infuriating because I put so much effort into cleaning and maintaining a clean home yet it feels like she could care less. Her mother is the same way. I will ask her to do things while I’m gone and I come home and not only is it not done, simple things like “hey can you run a load of laundry” or “can you please make sure the kitchen and dishes are done so I can cook when I get home” and 9x10 it’s not done, there’s actually more to do and she has an excuse........I love her so much as a person but as a partner she is killing me inside we have been together for over 2 years Ans I just don’t know how to deal with this. She also has multiple mental health issues like depression and anxiety which I understand the severity of those but she will also use them against me it feels like...she will say things like “you cAnt get mad at me because wit gives me anxiety” and then retreat to the bedroom leaving me to do the think she was supposed to do, on top of the mess she made on top of whatever I was going to do. It feels like an adult kid sometimes.
TL;DR my girlfriend is a total slob
I’ve dealt with an anxiety disorder and depression for most of my adult life. (40s now.) It is and can be hell more than most realize.
I‘m pointing that out because I think she’s manipulating you at least a bit here.
Yes, these issues can mean some things that seem obvious to you may not seem so to her. She may be messier, less organized, and also more likely to overlook or forget about those things. I’m not criticizing that she does this so far.
Where I have a huge issue is when she makes out like you can’t have a problem and can’t voice that. That is where she is manipulating you, and doing it actively based on your side alone. I get it, I’ve done that myself. It’s a defense mechanism. And if she gets away with that, if you always back down or say nothing, she’ll keep doing it.
She needs to be bringing this behavior up with her therapist. I’d almost bet she isn’t because for now it’s a way to blow you off and keep you compliant. In doing so there is less stress for her, less responsibility, and thus less anxiety. Therapy can become stagnant over time when patients begin to withhold info or simply “forget” things to talk about.
Anyway, if you want to try one last time stop letting it all slide. Bring it up when it happens. Be firm. Be compassionate. If she tries to use her maladies as a defense, start asking what she’s doing to improve the issue. “I’m in therapy.” Nope, ask for an answer. What type of therapy, is your professional giving you coping mechanisms. Does your therapist have ideas on how I should handle your lack of responsibility. And so on. Don’t be harsh or hostile but don’t let her use weasel words and phrases as full answers.
Anxiety in particular loves a schedule. Schedules are predictable and predictability is reassuring. Sit down with her with a list of things that need to be done around the house. Mark chores you do fully and ones she does fully. Then talk about the ones she should be helping you with or doing solo. Come up with a reasonable schedule for these things. Then print out a daily calendar and pop it on the fridge or maybe bathroom mirror with a pencil with it. Ask her to mark off things when they are complete. At the end of the week make notes of how well she’s done or not. This can include hygiene issues if they are a concern. Think of the military in that you had a job and a strict schedule to maintain. It isn’t and shouldn’t be that regimented; but, a simple task schedule can realty help someone with anxiety issues. And if she doesn’t do anything on it, there’s a new topic for her therapist.
If she won’t do this, won’t discuss, and continues to avoid and manipulate, you need to get out. You can’t fix what she doesn’t want to fix herself. She has to make some effort, you can’t do all of it man.
There's a lot of great advice here! The only thing that I'm the opposite on is the anxiety-loves-a-schedule piece. Many who deal with anxiety love schedules & they're a fabulous tool, but many of us have the opposite effect & get triggered by them (lol, I had to actively self-talk to make it through that scheduling paragraph). Basically, what that means in my book is that you may need to include your respective therapists, or your couple's therapist to figure out the approach that is most useful for your relationship.
The other thing I notice is that you didn't mention a couple's therapist despite being at the 2 year mark. My rule of thumb for relationships is just like cars: 30-60-90. If you've gone 30 months (i.e. "30.000 miles) without couple's work/therapy/counseling, you might be setting yourselves up for unnecessary problems.
It's also possible that on top of the neurobiology issues, she has a blind spot to clutter/mess. (My partner's parents kept the house clean but very cluttered, so guess what? He doesn't see clutter 🤪)
I agree completely. I have anxiety and honestly a clean and ordered house helps me deal with it. Disorganization makes my anxiety so much worse.
If she’s 24 and been like this the entirety of your relationship and has a parent who behaves this way as well..... I doubt it will ever change.
The motivation/discipline/self love/self care needed to complete these basic, foundational parts of living in a home has to be intrinsic.. it has to be because, on some level, she wants to do it. Otherwise it will always come from a place of contempt, which will drive a wedge further between you two and fester. It will destroy the relationship. It sounds like it already has.
This is a part of who she is . You know this. You’ve asked her to change, to compromise on this value of hers because it’s an important value to you. She cannot and will not. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. She cannot and will not change this and she’s repeatedly proven that. Her mental struggles are not justification enough to continue to disrespect you, your mutual living space, and care so little about you and your values.
Either you accept her and pick up the slack. Or you end the relationship. This is 100% an incompatibility issue and not something remotely trivial - so dont feel guilty or obliged to stay because “it’s just chores.” Carrying the entire mental load of a household is exhausting work. You need and deserve a partner who will do this with you 50/50, as a team.
I say take the L and break up. Move out into your own place that you can keep clean and carefully vet the next person you think of living with.
This, so hard. My ex-wife was comfortable with a level of slovenliness that, frankly, was so stressful it was impacting my mental and physical health. There was never any change, and as time went on even just asking her to help clean or pick up or deal with any house chore was attacking her. She also has mental health issues, which I sympathize with because so do I. The difference is that she felt her anxieties excited her actions (or so often inactions), but that wasn't the case for anyone else. You can't change a person who doesn't want to change, and you can't help someone who doesn't think they need help. You can either accept things for what they are and shoulder all the work, or you can cut it lose. Keep in mind that you've been together only a few years and already feel resentful. That isn't going to go away, and it will have a negative impact on your relationship but Moore importantly on your mental health and well-being. Make sure you're taking care of you.
I'm no professional, but this sounds a LOT like ADHD. Including the emotional stuff.
One of the newer things in ADHD (although it used to be part of it a long time ago, too!!) is the emotional side of things.
Sure, maybe she learned it from her mom. But ADHD runs in families. (A lot of adults get diagnosed later in life, after their kids get diagnosed.)
I almost had to laugh because what he described so exactly me as a woman with ADHD. Cleaning, grooming, concentration, schedules, emotional regulation it’s all a literal nightmare for me when I’m not properly medicated. I told my husband it’s like being in a pit and everything I need to do is up on the ground surrounding the pit. A normal person uses their executive function skills aka a ladder to climb out of the pit and get to the stuff. I don’t have a ladder. I’m stuck in the pit. Everything that needs to get done is all around me and I know it, but I can’t see it, and I can’t get out! So I just sit and focus on the nonsense around me like the internet, or a book, or my fucking finger nails and the anxiety just builds and builds because I know there are things around the damn pit that need to get done but I can’t see them!!!!
It’s exhausting. My physiatrist says that a lot of people who don’t know they have ADHD don’t realize their is stuff outside of the pit so they react defensively when people try and point it out. For example. I vacuumed 4 days ago, the vacuum is sitting in the kitchen. I know it needs to go in the closet but when I’m unmediated while I ‘see’ the vacuum I can’t get out the damn pit and make the connection of putting it away. I just see a vacuum and then move on to the next thing. I’m not purposefully ignoring it or waiting for someone else to do it. My brain just skips the connection between vacuum out and put away vacuum.
It can be extremely frustrating for people who don’t have ADHD to understand how the connections just aren’t made. A lot of therapy, a high dose of medication and I’m mostly functional as an adult but I couldn’t live with someone who needs a really clean house. My husband takes on the daily stuff like dishes and laundry and I try my best to tackle the bigger things on days where I don’t have a lot of other brain clutter.
My ADHD roommates leave things out, walk by the trash they've left out on their way to the trash, etc literally EXACT SAME THINGS as OP's girlfriend. Came here to say this. Also, I could totally be wrong but are women less likely to be diagnosed ADHD? All my roommates are men and know their status... but for her it might be something that has been missed.
Is she in treatment for her mental illness, or addressing it in a healthy way? I would personally be frustrated in your position, although I know mental illness can be draining. I would have an honest conversation with her, even if she has mental health issues she should not be throwing them at you and using them to manipulate you. If she is unwilling to budge or accept help, see if a compromise is possible. Like she cooks the meals and you do dishes, she starts the laundry, you finish it. Would she be willing to do something like that? I personally find cleaning therapeutic and it helps immensely with my mental health. Its a stretch but worth a shot to ask her, it sounds like this could be lifelong behavior so who knows if she'll change. In the end you have to decide if you're compatible.
Yeah exactly. My partner is on medication for depression and anxiety, and both of us struggle with chores sometimes. But I find it easier to do for someone else, like roommates or a partner, and they participate in chores both on their own and when I ask because they want to pull their weight!
Some days it’s too much and they can’t help with everything, but other days they do things before I ask. But the balance is there and they never make excuses based on mental illness.
I struggle with OCD, ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Sometimes I hyper focus on things for weeks at a time, like there was a period at the beginning of this year where I didn’t do anything but play Stardew Valley for three weeks. Sometimes I hyper focus on cleaning, and the house is spotless for a month straight. But sometimes it is INCREDIBLY difficult for me to initiate and finish tasks.
But, I also understand how these bouts of up and down, especially the downs, can affect my partner. I’m currently unemployed because of the pandemic, and he’s working 60+ hours a week. And it can be frustrating when I’m hyper focusing on something or struggling initiating my tasks and he’s been working all day, and comes home to the house looking as bad as when he left.
I would recommend having a very gentle but firm heart to heart with her. Explain to her how much you love her, and that this wouldn’t be so much of an issue if you just didn’t care about her. You love her. You understand her mental health issues are difficult. But your needs are also important. Explain in a kind way that when she leaves such a big mess for you to clean up, and then says that you asking her to help around the house is giving her anxiety, it’s frustrating for you and isn’t fair to you. Offer to work together on a plan to make things easy. Keep a routine for the house; things like, before we go to bed, the dishes should be done. Switch off nights. It makes it easier to do a few dishes every day instead of a whole sink full every week. When someone creates garbage, it doesn’t go anywhere except the garbage. Get small garbage bins for every room, so it’s more accessible. Change the garbage every three days or as often as needed. Have a designated place for items in your house, like the vacuum. That’s where it lives. When it comes out, it gets used, and IMMEDIATELY after you’re done with it, it gets wrapped up and put back in its home.
The thing that helps me with my ADHD especially, is making things super accessible and having a clear list of things to do. For instance, I struggle with object permanence as a part of my ADHD. So, like I said before, if I have a little trash bin in every room, it’s easier for me to put it in that bin instead of walking across the house for the one in the kitchen. I forget I buy groceries because they hide in the bin, so I either a)over buy at my next trip to the store or b)forget about them so long they rot. Ew. It’s expensive and nasty. So, I started writing a list of all of the groceries I have in my fridge and my pantry so I can easily see the full stock of my kitchen without having to poke around.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with your girlfriend’s disorganization and mess. I would highly recommend looking up some cleaning routines that you can easily split up, do some journaling to organize your thoughts and feelings, and ask her to talk in a gentle way. Ask her to let you say your piece, and then let her respond. Avoid language like “slob” or “annoying” as this can create a lot of shame for people who have mental disorders like anxiety and depression. Explain to her you want to cherish your home together, that it would make everyday life smoother if everything had it’s place, and that you don’t want to feel overwhelmed or fight with her. You WANT to feel content, you want to feel heard, you want to feel clean.
I know how overwhelming anxiety can be, and confrontation can feel very scary and anxiety inducing. I tend to shut down when I am confronted. Especially over something I feel shame about, like an inability to pick up after myself. But, I need to work through that for the sake of my relationship. If you talk to her and express how you’re feeling, and she just gets defensive and manipulative, or the situation doesn’t change, be honest with yourself if you feel like the relationship is serving you or not.
I hope you can both find a solution to this, together.
Look into executive dysfunction. It's likely that she doesn't "see" the mess the same way you do, and needs a different approach to learn to clean regularly.
Are you sure she is not undiagnosed ADHD? Try google ADHD in adult women and see if it fits.
As a woman with ADHD, I second this.
Agreed. I'm getting tested for it soon, for some of the same reasons.
I'm actually a lot like your girlfriend in a lot of ways. I'm a slob, I don't "see mess", I can be bad about leaving trash around because I just think I'll get to it later. I've been this way my whole life, and I also have depression and anxiety. For me, the thing that made me more aware of myself and the way my own habits can affect my partner and our living situation was just having her talk to me about what bothered her. It sounds dumb, but when my partner told me that it bothered her if I left junk sitting in the kitchen, it made me instantly more aware of it, because even if I didn't care, SHE cared, and I cared about her happiness and comfort. Have you had a real conversation about how you want things to look? In detail? It's not your job to try and teach her how to do chores, but if you bring it up not in the moment, not from a place of anger but just honestly telling her that you need a certain level of cleanliness to feel comfortable and discussing how to divy up household responsibilities, you may see change.
There are a lot of comments telling you she never will change, and that may be true if you've already tried this and there's still no response, but it's not clear from your post if you've really gotten into it in depth. I agree that she's manipulating you - living with mental illness doesn't mean you get to dictate other people's feelings about you and your behavior, especially if it's harmful to them. She needs coping strategies, and I also agree with a fellow commenter that a detailed plan for chores could be a helpful routine for her anxiety. Good luck.

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