My Friend And Daughter Sex
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In September 2000 my daughter was nearly 13 and had just started secondary school. She had always got on well with other children and worked hard. But after a couple of months things began to change. She started wearing lots of make-up. The school was a stone's throw away, but friends began calling for her as early as 7.30am. Next my older daughter spotted her hanging about in the local park with some lads from school who introduced the girls they befriended to older boys and men. I was very alarmed. Then she started missing certain lessons, sometimes whole days.
When she started disappearing overnight, I trawled the streets looking for her. I had no control over her. Sometimes she would say she was going to have an early night, then she'd turn on the shower and climb out the bathroom window. Once when she disappeared, I went through the park looking for her and asked a teenage boy if he'd seen her. I was horrified when he said, "Yes, all the prostitutes hang out by the bowling green."
I confronted my daughter. "That's not true," she said. "Those boys are my boyfriends."
As far as she was concerned, she was doing what she wanted to do and I was hindering her. Money didn't seem to be changing hands, but the girls were getting drink and drugs and mobile phones. The men flattered them into believing they loved them as part of a process of grooming them to have sex with lots of different men, some in their 30s and 40s. People ask me why I use the word "grooming" rather than referring to them as paedophiles, but most of these men haven't been convicted.
I felt as if my daughter was sliding away from me and I'd never be able to get her back. Every minute of every day became a nightmare. I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly, and I could see no way back. Every time she disappeared, I thought I'd never see her alive again. If a girl is over 13, she has to be the complainant in a case of sexual assault. Because this was happening outside the house, there was nothing I could do. The worst thing, as a mother, was not being able to prevent my daughter from being abused.
At the end of 2001, a year after her first disappearance, I put her into care. She didn't want to go, but I could no longer cope. My lowest point was the first time I visited her. Seeing her and having to walk away was unbearable. Everything exploded while she was in care, and I had a breakdown.
My nephew killed himself unexpectedly during this time. My daughter and I attended the funeral, and were both extremely upset. Afterwards, I took my daughter firmly by the shoulders and said to her, "You'll never know how many times I thought I'd be going to your funeral."
Then I walked away. She seemed to turn some sort of corner that day, and so did I. She started to realise what she was doing to herself and I could see for the first time that she needed me. I think I had to feel as low as it was possible to feel before I found the strength to fight what was happening to her and other girls.
I started campaigning with Ann Cryer, the MP for Keighley, for a change in the law to make hearsay evidence admissible in grooming cases, a change we secured last year. I'm proud of what I achieved and my daughter is proud of me, too.
After two years in care, she came back to live with me, went back to college, got qualifications. At times she feels down about what happened to her, which she now recognises as abuse. Last year Channel 4 made a programme about the grooming issue in this area and, although some white men were involved, the BNP hijacked it as a race issue: Asians exploiting white girls. I was furious because this is not a race issue.
The men live locally and we see them from time to time. They call my daughter names, and me, too, if I'm with her. I say to them, "I'm not frightened of any of you." My daughter calls out, "I've moved on with my life and it's a shame you can't move on with yours." Our relationship is better than it has ever been. We talk to each other and if she goes out with friends, she leaves a note on the fridge telling me where she's gone and when she'll be back. It's fantastic to get those notes.
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DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE had wild sex with a woman twice my age, which would be OK but she’s my mate’s mum.
My best friend at college is a girl who, like me, is doing creative arts. We are both 18.
Send an email to problems@deardeidre.org. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
She has been upset recently because her parents split up — her dad has left her mum for a younger woman.
I’ve been trying to support my friend and ended up staying around there a few nights.
We have become very close but we are just friends. She hinted at more but I said I felt awkward about it as it would be like I was taking advantage of the situation. She said it showed what a special guy I am.
I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa when her mum came down to make herself a cup of tea as she couldn’t sleep.
She said how much she appreciated me being such a great friend to her daughter.
She said how devastated she was by her husband leaving her for a girl half his age.
She started crying and said: “It’s made me feel like an ugly old woman.”
I said — and it’s true — “You’re beautiful, the most gorgeous of any of my friends’ mums.”
She is 37 and has got a great figure. She said: “You’re the medicine an old lady like me needs.”
I didn’t know what to say and she went back upstairs to bed.
Next night she came down again, sat by me and asked if I was just friends with her daughter or if anything else had gone on.
I said, truthfully, that we were strictly mates and she leaned over and kissed me.
I was stunned but then kissed her back and we had sex right there on the sofa.
She cried a bit afterwards and said I’d made her feel wanted again, but we agreed we must not do it again or tell my friend.
Next day I was as normal as I could be with my friend but told her I needed to go home. It was the weekend and so I didn’t then see her for a couple of days.
She seemed OK on the Monday and asked me round again. I was torn but couldn’t resist saying yes.
We had a good evening talking together and her mum seemed normal. I went to sleep on the sofa again but couldn’t help wondering . . .
I know it’s wrong but I was really pleased when her mum came down in the small hours.
ONE in seven couples has problems conceiving and many need medical treatment.
Ask your GP for a referral for fertility investigation if you have been trying for several months.
But there are lots of self-help steps a couple can take for the best chance of starting a family.
My e-leaflet Want To Have A Baby? explains.
Email or private message me on Facebook for a copy.
She said: “I need a cup of tea,” but laughed and lay down on the sofa with me.
We’ve had sex a few times since and it’s great but I know my friend would be gutted if she found out.
Her dad has left and her mum has got off with her best mate.
DEIDRE SAYS: Her mum has been getting an ego boost from you desiring her.
But it is a dead-end for her and risks costing you a friendship. Your friend would be hurt and horrified.
Find the willpower to tell her mum that she is great but you both know this must stop.
Do not stay round there, at least for a while.
Tell your friend your parents want you home because they are worried about your studies.
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My Friend And Daughter Sex
