My First Threesome
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My First Threesome
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There are so many resources for where to begin if you're curious about how to have your first threesome . What takes a little more skill (or the help of a very sex-positive and nonjudgemental librarian) to find are resources for how to process post-threesome. These four things I learned from my first threesome are ideas that took me years to articulate. I wish that there had been a "So You Had A Threesome, Now What?" article for every encouraging "Intro to Threesomes" article. Like, what if you did it once and hated it? What if you did it with a partner and it helped you realize that you would very much like to break up with that partner? What if you did it with a couple and now only want to be in triads for the rest of your relationship-having life (much more on this later)? Thoughts and feelings will come up afterwards that no amount of planning could have prepared you for, and what then?
My first threesome was a little bit of a beautiful mess. I distinctly recall the euphoric feeling of being utterly mindblown that hit me once I was back in my own bed, after a completely fucking adorable morning of getting vegan bagels and cream cheese together before parting ways. I'm pretty sure the first thing I did was vague-tweet my favorite John Green line (please cut me some slack, it was 2011) from Paper Towns : "I don't know how I look, but I know how I feel: Young. Goofy. Infinite."
There was a really complicated friendship/lover web surrounding the whole encounter, which led to some people who were invited into a potential group sex situation, but ultimately chose to opt out (whittling it down to a threesome), getting hurt. So it wasn't a situation entirely without collateral damage. But, importantly, the people who opted in were consenting, excited, and pleased with their decision. Here are the big ideas I walked away with after my first threesome.
The participants in my first threesome were myself and a married couple. While I was definitely attracted to each partner, and both of them were definitely attracted to me, what I realized early on in our flirtations is that I was much more attracted to their relationship than I was to either of them individually. I wanted to be a part of it more than I wanted just to have sex with either of them. We were friends first, and once each of them confessed to me individually that they had confessed to each other that they had a little crush on me, we started talking more openly about what the possibilities were.
Sex was kind of a given, but we joked about being "sister wives," and would go out on group dates that often looked like one of them and me playing a board game at a cafe while the other did homework next to us. I'm pretty service-oriented as both a romantic and a sexual partner, so I enjoyed the experience of stepping into an already-established relationship and filling in the gaps that needed filling.
If you subscribe to the ideology that kink or other "taboo" modes of sex and relationships can be a way of working through and recuperating from trauma , then the motivations for entering an already-established relationship are endless. Plenty of "little t" traumas could account for this preference. Were you raised by a single parent who never enjoyed romantic relationships? Did your parents go through a tough divorce? Did one of your parents never recover from the death of a spouse? Did you just never have good models of a loving, nurturing, supported relationship growing up? If so, it can feel restorative to be in the presence of a such a relationship — and intimately involved in it — after that. No, it's not some weird "you must want to have sex with your parents" Freudian garbage. It can just feel good to address the needs left behind by our traumas in creative ways.
I also learned from my first threesome that I had a natural skill for being something of a sexual fairy-godmother. This couple was pretty stuck, both sexually and romantically, and I found that I had the ability to be a catalyst for each of them to voice their desires. It was often as simple as asking one of them what they wanted and then asking the other if they could give that, or if they would prefer me to do it. It lowered the marital judgment stakes if I was the one doing the asking, and they each had an "out" in me if spouse wasn't feeling it. (I also have a ton of privilege in this arena, which is worth disclosing in full, in that I don't have any sexual trauma in my background. Not everyone can or should be expected to be function like a sexual multi-tool, and boundaries, even if you're playing with them, need to be respected.) And for me, if felt gratifying to be so useful, empowering to witness myself affecting positive change, and good to be appreciated afterwards!
While that first encounter was a very particular dynamic in which I was the third to a couple, I've had other configurations in my subsequent threesome-having life. This lesson served me well then, too. It basically serves me in life, in that it taught me that there are no bad asks; there are only people who can or can't meet your needs, and how you deal with it. If you can approach sex from a judgment-free place, then you're a lot less likely to take things your partner's desires and disappointments personally.
If you are overwhelmed with shame because you are a badass champion of informed consent, but your first threesome was a drunk one, then I am here to tell you that you aren't a bad person. I promise. Obviously, informed, sober consent is the reigning queen of all sexual encounters, and negotiations should definitely get hammered out before substances enter the picture. But since Millennials are blessed with the highest anxiety levels of any generation , we sometimes need a little help out of the gate. For me, my first threesome was spurned on by the foregone conclusion that drinking Brandy Alexanders (shush, it was cold outside and I asked the bartender to make me something comforting that closely approximated a coffee milkshake) makes me want to have sex with married couples. But we had also been flirting for awhile and we'd had multiple discussions about having sex together before a night at their local dive bar coaxed us into following through on our mutually shared desires.
I am definitely not telling you to get wasted or super, super high and then go have a threesome. I am telling you that, if you have a safe history with using substances, having a drink, or splitting a joint with your partners, or making sure you've taken your meds for the day, can help you relax into your encounter, be a little more instinct/body driven, and be a little less in your head about the whole thing. Of course, alcohol, marijuana, and various meds can also mess with your libido and sensation in different ways , so know your body and brain's responses to them before you introduce a substance into your sexy space. And if at any point, you're questioning whether everyone involved was giving full consent or felt fully in control of their faculties the whole time, then ask! Talk about your individual experiences together and take accountability where and when necessary. But don't beat yourself up before you've even checked in with your partners about it.
I don't mean this as in "trust your instincts" going into a threesome, although that's definitely an important thing to do. I mean after you've had your threesome, trust that your instincts were good. I remember feeling completely in my body during my first one, totally able to ride each wave, and I felt much less concerned than I do in two-person-sex about "what to do next." The fact that there was lots of stimulating stuff to engage in really helped me stay in the moment and anticipate less.
If you're feeling uneasy about whether you excelled at the technical sport of sex with multiple partners at once, and worry that you were awkward or didn't know what to do in some moment or another, then trust that your biological instincts kicked in. If you feel reasonably connected to your body, your sex drive, and/or your desire, then you probably have nothing to worry about. At some point, your body knows how to follow the impulses that feel good and steer you away from ones that don't. As long as you paid attention to those instincts and listened to your partners, you did a great job!
And if you still feel uncertain about it, then talk to your partners. If you specifically need affirmation that you did a good job, then ask for that. If your partners can't give it to you, then hear them out on why not, thank them for the feedback, and think about how you can work those pointers into your next experience.
If your first threesome was as transcendent an experience as mine, then I invite you to cherish it. If it torched one of your relationships, then maybe do some journaling to uncover what it revealed to you about your deeper desires. See if you can locate those needs in other relationships. And if it was just hot sex, then cheers to a threesome well-executed.
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I had my first MFM threesome experience last fall, and it left me wondering even more about what it would feel like to have my FFM encounter. And here is how it all started:
When I started dating my current boyfriend (call him Alex) we shared our fantasies with each other and quickly realized that we both had deep desires for threesomes. Although, I wasn't against MFM, my ultimate desire was FFM. For the past couple of years I was bi curious and wanted to experiment with another female but for different reasons I failed to make it happen. Neither had I have support from my previous partners nor did I have courage to do it on my own. Finally, I had a wonderful man who is selflessly very supportive of me and my desires, and for the first time in my life I was sure to fulfill them.
Alex can be truly called an "Alpha male," 35 years old, mixed martial artist who is very protective of his females. Although he is not a jealous type, I wasn't sure if he would like to have MFM right of the bet. I wanted it but I didn't insist on it. Little that I knew he was a very unselfish and adventurous man...
Unbeknown to me, Alex was setting up my first MFM threesome. For a few months he was sourcing fit candidates. I didn't realize at that time that he had been "fishing out" my taste and preferences of a man I would like to experience with. I was in the dark while he was working his plan out.
So one day, Alex and I decided to take a trip away from our town. It was awesome. We hiked, watched a movie, had a nice dinner, and on a way back to our hotel Alex suggested to grab a drink at a bar (he had a perfect surprise set up already). We went to a bar and kept on having a great time together. All of a sudden a very handsome man (call him John) sat next to us and ordered a drink. Being a good mannered and social person, Alex started a conversation with John without any hesitation (as if they never knew each other). Few seconds later, we all were engaged in heated discussion about different subjects. Soon after, our conversation focused on Swinging Lifestyle. At one point, John mentioned that he had a six-pack (I only wanted to have a guy that was as fit as Alex). Alex dared me to touch John's stomach and verify it. So I reached under John's shirt, and, yes, he did have a six-pack. Because our conversation was so casual and John was so handsome, I got horny really fast. Alex sensed my desires and whispered into my ear if I wanted to try MFM right then. We were away from home, a little tipsy, so I said "Why not?!"
Few minutes later, we paid our tab and left the bar. In order to make me and John comfortable and get used to each other, Alex offered me to catch a ride with our new friend. Getting in John's car without Alex made me feel a little awkward. But as soon as Alex sensed it he decided to help us break the ice and dared John and I to kiss. So we made out, and it put me at ease. We drove off, and on the way to our hotel John and I caressed each other, and the heat and the chemistry scaled off the roof.
John and I got to the hotel first. Alex was on his way. I don't want to give too many erotic details, but for the first 20 minutes it was just John and I in the room, and we were exploring each other's bodies. Although I enjoyed John's company I could not stop thinking about Alex. I needed him beside me right there and then. I realized that I would never ever want to be without him, and I always needed his support. Anyhow, a little later Alex joined us and we had a blast. I tried almost everything I wanted to with two guys at the same time, and Alex really helped me out throughout this process. After we all got satisfied, John packed up and left. And as soon as he left, Alex and I kept on having sex until I couldn't bear it any longer. . .
I think if I could take just one main point out of our experience I would say I learned that Alex is the most supportive partner I ever had. I fell in love with him even more after our erotic encounter.
I was pleased but as my head cleared after a long night of sexual experiments, I started realizing how much more fun it could have been with a girl. I mean, I have all it takes to have my FF+M. I don't want to sound too shallow but I am young, tall, fit, and considered to be hot. More I think about it, more I want to try it. Day by day, I am getting more and more passionate about FF+M. And I am determined to make it happen no matter how hard or how long it may take.
So I had my MFM encounter with the help of my boyfriend. It was a wonderful experience to be a center of attention of 2 handsome men. It turned out to be very sexual and rewarding. But because I have been bi curious for a long time, I am striving to have my first bi (FF+M) experience.
To be continued. . .
wow, that's a great story, like a book! I look forward to hearing your FFM story!
Ah! I am starting to miss the old days before marriage. Threesomes and group sex was an ever weekend event for me. But that was twenty years ago.
Great story! (:
I just had my first MFM!! Fiancé and I have been talking about it bed and after loooooooong talks we decided to get a good candidate. A friend of mine and reasons because I knew he was well endowed!
But it was fantastic! Nervous at first but when the boys got up and ready...it was attention on me (:
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There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.
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Okay, okay. I've been planning this for more than a week, and it finally happened. I've had a lot of people asking about my thoughts and feelings on it, so here it is.
After getting ready and some intermediary stuff, they arrived to pick me up (about 4:30ish). Now, I had been thinking that this was some homebrew experiment that we were trying out, but that idea fell apart fast when they showed up IN A LIMO.
On the ride there, it was kind of awkward, especially since I hadn't been expecting something quite so... extravagant? Anyway, I found out he's a business financer of some sort, working independently. And pretty well off. Which doesn't make me feel better about this whole thing.
We chatted politely for the ride, until we arrived at the hotel, by which point I was seriously regretting my decision. I felt (frankly) more like some escort than a date, and I was worried. Fortunately, the Chinese food arrived quickly.
We broke the ice while I tried to teach Isabelle how to use chop sticks. Apparently she'd never used them before, while I'm quite experie
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