My Family Sex 2022
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My Family Sex 2022
My boyfriend and I used to have nonstop sex – but now he can’t keep up with me
‘Being hell-bent on instant sexual gratification is not a road to ecstasy.’ Composite: Getty/Guardian design team (posed by a model)
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
He says it’s not because of me, so how can we fix this? We’ve tried everything from clean eating to giving up smoking
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex nonstop for days on end. Now, though, he can’t stay erect after the first round of intercourse. He says it’s not because of me and that he hasn’t lost any feelings for me. He also says that this has never happened before. But i t has been going on for more than a month now. We have tried ‘clean eating’ , getting the correct amount of sleep and not smoking . We have even taken breaks from all types of sex. But nothing is working.
Your boyfriend is not a machine … although he may suspect that’s how you think of him. The downtime that occurs between penile ejaculation and the ability to become aroused again is known as the refractory period – and it is a normal process of recharging. Very few men can skip this phase, and then only under exceptional circumstances. Women, though, can be aroused fairly soon after orgasm – and that leads some to think it is unnatural for a man to have to wait. It is not. Don’t put pressure on your boyfriend to achieve a short refractory period – you will just make him feel ashamed and possibly make it more difficult for him to become erect. Instead, remind yourself that, erotically speaking, quality, not quantity, is best. Being hell-bent on instant sexual gratification is not a road to ecstasy; nor is focusing on the number of orgasms. Instead of keeping score, take a tip from tantric masters who teach that delaying ejaculation leads to heightened eroticism and even a shortening of the refractory period after an interval of avoidance.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .
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Tanyel Mustafa Saturday 19 Nov 2022 9:57 am
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Welcome back to How I Made It , Metro.co.uk’s weekly career journey series.
This week we’re delving into the world of digital sex work with Cherry the Mistress , a US-based sex content creator who has an OnlyFans page among other platforms.
The 20-year-old left her job as a barista after watching her salary steadily climb in the online sex industry.
Cherry hasn’t shaved in the two years she’s been making sex content either, building up a legion of fans who love her natural hair and empowered approach.
This makes her presence in the sex space unique too, as she decided to go this way after realising she had been removing her body hair for years for people other than herself – leading her to turn her back on shaving.
Here’s how she made her career happen.
Hey Cherry. How long have you been creating hairy sex content?
I’ve been making hairy content for exactly two years now.
Before sex work, I was working as a barista at a coffee shop for over three years.
What made you first think working in the sex/erotic content industry was something you wanted to do?
When I was in college, I was really broke and was barely able to pay all my bills.
I saw the success that other people have had doing adult content and I have always been a sexual person who liked to express myself that way, so I thought why not give it a try?
Had anyone introduced you to the idea or did you think of it alone? Did you go in having researched first?
I remember seeing the hype of OnlyFans at the start of the pandemic and I wondered if I could ever do that.
I thought about starting for a few months before I finally set up my own account to really make sure this was something that I wanted to do.
I researched a lot in the beginning, because I had no clue what I was doing.
Now doing this for two years, I have learned so much and am always learning everyday.
To keep myself safe, I do not share where I’m from or what state I’m in to anyone.
I also am a big homebody and don’t leave my house often.
The world is so crazy as it is and I want to avoid any adverse circumstances.
Long-term, is this what you want to do, or do you have other plans and ideas?
I really love what I do, so I want to do this for as long as possible.
I’ve also been posting videos on YouTube recently and want to continue doing that.
For the future, I have a lot of ideas. I have thought about getting into the housing market or starting my own clothing company or modelling for clothing brands.
Do you think platforms like OnlyFans have made sex content work safer for people and more accessible? Has it democratised that space a bit in your opinion?
Absolutely. I think online sex work platforms has made sex work so much safer for people.
There’s less of a risk than doing FSW (full service sex work), because you’re less likely to be sexually harassed (though you can still be harassed online), human trafficked, or contract STDs.
What do you earn in an average month?
I can make anywhere from $18k-$20k a month.
8am-10am : She wakes up, responds to DMs from subscribers, posts on all social media accounts.
11am-12pm : Cherry hits the gym, then gets ready.
1pm-4pm : Cherry makes videos (both for social media and for explicit sites), and then takes pictures (explicit and SFW).
5pm-8pm : She schedules and queues content for all her sites, networks with other models, edits videos, answers emails.
9pm-10pm : Time to chat with subscribers, send out PPV videos to those who buy them.
11pm-midnight : She researches, reads group chats she is in, then finally calls it a night.
What do you love most about your job?
I absolutely love my subscribers. I have known quite a few of them for a long time and the connections I make with them is really special to me.
I talk to them everyday and I talk to them even more than I do to my friends in my personal life.
I also really love the freedom I have, and of course, the money I make is certainly a huge plus.
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There’s definitely a lot about this job that can be tough, like how unstable it is, how people constantly objectify you and don’t take you seriously, unsolicited dick pics, and how isolating it can be.
However, what can be the most mentally taxing is constantly being deplatformed.
I, along with a lot of other sex workers, spend so much time and effort building our online presence and social media apps will ban and delete us randomly.
However, celebrities or people who are verified on these apps can post such provocative photos and don’t get penalised.
Do you have an interesting job or career journey?
Email tanyel.mustafa@metro.co.uk to share your story for How I Made It.
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I am divorced and in a new relationship with someone whom I am planning to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving. I have never done this before and can’t help but think of Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in The Family Stone . I feel extremely protective of my new partner, and while I really want to bring him home to meet my extended family (he’s already met my kids), I am suddenly feeling extremely anxious about it. I think I may have made a mistake inviting him, but I don’t want to cancel and hurt his feelings or cause drama within my family. (They’re all really excited to meet him!)
If you think you made a mistake, I would lean into your instincts. I’m so tired of the way we normalize passivity when it comes to self-doubt and assume that because we are supposed to want something, then we will come to actually want it.
I was recently having this conversation with someone about the idea of “cold feet,” which is a concept that’s ripe for debunking. In my youth, I definitely bought into the idea that you could overcome doubts if you reasoned with yourself, and I have come to realize how foolish that is. The way we have normalized second thoughts as “totally natural! Just ignore them!” is yet another example of how heteronormative/marital/patriarchal culture f*cks us up.
“I don’t know a single person who had cold feet going into their marriage who isn’t now divorced,” my friend said. (I want to be clear that this isn’t part of an argument against divorce. Not all marriages last, but most people go into them thinking — or at least hoping — that they will.) The fact that “leaving someone at the altar” is far more frowned upon than entering a marriage with serious doubts is a cultural red flag, my friends. And while your question has nothing to do with marriage, my point is this: If you ignore cold feet, there is a very good chance they will turn blue and fall off your legs and then you won’t be able to stand.
All of this to say, to hell what your family thinks. It’s OK to disappoint people. You can validate their disappointment as well as your changed mind and everyone will feel seen. Besides, you have all the time in the world to introduce your person to your family if you decide down the road that you want to.
I also think the fluidity of changing one’s mind and being able to openly talk to your partner about that without fear of being chastised will be a great test of whether this is your person or not. I am realizing, as I get older, that changing one’s mind is a sign of growth, of strength of character, not weakness. Being able to comfortably communicate that without getting lambasted is a sign of a healthy relationship.
Holidays are stressful enough without feeling obligated to keep plans that include the introduction of a significant other. Especially when you’re having second thoughts.
I want to answer any and all questions you all have about the exhilarating, terrifying, and wonderful experience of dating and having sex with new people after becoming a parent. Send me your questions at rebeccawoolf@gmail.com.
Rebecca Woolf writes Romper’s Sex & the Single Mom series. She has worked as a writer for more than two decades and is the author of two books, Rockabye: From Wild to Child and All of This: A Memoir of Death and Desire . You can subscribe to her newsletter , The Braid, for more. She lives in Los Angeles with her four children.
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A mom of four lets her kids shave their hair, drink coffee, eat whatever they want and says they don’t have to share — and insists it makes her a better parent.
Mara Doemland, 29, has enrolled in the “free range family” school of parenting, which involves giving her children the option to do whatever they want to do.
Doemland — who lives in Texas with her kids Emmy, 9, Murphy, 7, Ripley, 5, and Indy, 2 — says her style of parenting stems from being “mean” and having “no patience” when she had Emmy at 19. After her experience as a young mother, she wanted to be freer with how she raises her children.
The mom relaxed the stringent rules parents usually implement, noting she and her partner Christopher Mareth, 36, “don’t agree with restricting food.” Instead, they let them choose their meals — even if that involves no leafy greens on their plate and extra dessert.
“I don’t want them to have a negative relationship with food,” Doemland told SWNS. “I make sure all food is available for them which doesn’t categorize certain food as ‘special’ or a treat.”
The Doemlands are one of many families who have opted for more lax living rather than rigid rules. On TikTok, some families are touting “gentle parenting ,” which involves neither punishing or rewarding children, while other parents swear by the concept of “sittervising” their children — a term describing leaving kids to play among themselves, without parents intervening.
As relaxed parents , the Doemlands encourage their kids to play out in the rain and don’t dictate what they wear, simply saying they just want their children to be “comfortable and wear what makes them happy.”
She also lets their kids drink coffee if they want to try it — although noted they don’t drink it as adults do.
“They’re not doing shots of espresso all day,” she joked.
Other controversial parenting rules she and her partner abide by include letting the kids go out barefoot, allowing them to wash in the rain and even permitting them to shave their heads.
“Emmy has her head shaved and is only wearing black and oversized clothes at the moment,” she explained. “We let our boys wear dresses if they want to.”
The parents also don’t police what their kids do in the great outdoors, reasoning that if they eat something they’re not meant to, they will spit it out.
“Kids always put things in their mouth so I don’t stop them eating sand so they can work out for themselves that it’s not something to eat,” she added.
“They’ll probably do it a few times before they learn,” she continued. “I’d rather they learn rather than be fearful and scared of it.”
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