My Daughter Saw My Dick

My Daughter Saw My Dick

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I’m writing this letter with tears in my eyes. I’m about to celebrate 30 years of marriage and my wife and I have three grown-up kids and the two boys still live with us at home. Last week, my wife and I were at an event with some of her friends and ended up going back to one of their houses for another drink. When it was time to go home, we called a taxi and I waited by the door for it while she carried on talking to her friends in the kitchen.
One of them asked her if she could go back and do one thing in life that she’s missed over the past 30 years, what would it be?
My wife replied: “Another night with John.” I was totally shocked – John was her ex-boyfriend who she lost her virginity with. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me and had to hold back the tears. None of them saw me standing by the door.
Then one of her friends asked why this was as she has such a good husband and my wife said: “But he lacks in the trouser department and John was a lot bigger and better in bed.” Then she went on to talk about the other four men she’d slept with who were all bigger than me.
I was devastated, not least because she’d always said she’d only slept with one other man before me. At that point, one of her friends saw me and insisted my wife hadn’t meant anything by what she’d said and that she was just drunk. My wife doesn’t know I heard any of this, although she knows something is wrong. I keep replaying it in my head and can’t sleep. How can I handle this? I’m thinking of walking away.
First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you don’t know how you can come back from it. I’m sure she’ll feel terrible because she probably was drunk and people do say things when they’re drunk that they’d never say sober.
But whatever she’s comparing you to, the fact is that your marriage has lasted 30 years. If these other guys were so wonderful, why did she choose you and stay with you for all this time? They are exes for a reason.
Whatever her reasons were for saying what she did, you can’t move forward unless you talk about it. She needs to know how hurt you are and you need to give her the chance to explain and apologise for hurting and embarrassing you.
This could obviously affect your confidence in bed and if you feel you can’t move on sexually, then it would be worth seeing a psychosexual counsellor. But I think you should work hard at not throwing away 30 good years for a drunken off-the-cuff remark.
Don’t let your ego and pride kick away everything you’ve built up.
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The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.

Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke

I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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Even though I was convinced Tamsin had been telling the truth, still a tiny part of me had hoped it was all a mistake

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In seconds my world came tumbling down
Emma Charles thought that she and her family were living a normal life. But then she discovered that her husband had been sexually abusing their daughter Tamsin since the age of ten. Twelve years on, Emma recalls that devastating day and the traumatic events that followed
In many ways, we were an ordinary family – mum, dad, two kids, a Volvo in the drive. And in some ways we weren’t so ordinary. As a ship’s engineer, my husband Daniel worked away from home for up to four months at a time. But I never for a moment dreamt that we were extraordinary – until that day.
It started out fine, that Tuesday in December 1996. Our younger daughter, Claire, 13, was at school, and I was looking forward to spending some time with Tamsin, who had just broken up for the holidays. At 15, she was a weekly boarder at a specialist school for high-ability dyslexics.
We chatted about what she was going to do. That was when the first hint of discord arose. Tamsin and I squabbled, like all mothers and daughters. But that day she was impervious to reasoned argument. She began making hurtful personal attacks on her father and me, something she had never done. At bedtimewe kissed goodnight, but for the first time we parted with a coolness between us.
The following evening, I was in the living room when she burst in, flung a piece of paper at me and stormed out. ‘I have to leave or he has to,’ she had written. ‘And you seem to need him. And f*** you, you probably won’t believe me anyway.’ She was talking about her father – telling me that he had been sexually abusing her for the past five years. In the seconds it took me to absorb her words, my world came tumbling down.
I found her down the road with her dog. ‘Come home and tell me about it,’ I begged. She looked into my eyes and must have been reassured by what she saw. ‘He won’t leave me alone,’ she cried. ‘He’s always feeling me up. He brushes against my breasts so I know it’s not accidental, but he could persuade someone else it was.’
Hope blossomed in my mind. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding, an over-tactile father who would have to learn to respect his daughter’s personal space. ‘Has he ever touched you between your legs?’ I asked. ‘Last time he was home on leave,’ she sobbed.
Tears were falling from my eyes as I looked up the number for social services and picked up the phone. I just knew I had to do the right thing.
Daniel and I had been married for 18 years. I was 27 when we met, working as a medical photographer; he was a year older and at college, studying for his Second Engineer’s certificate. He was tall and slim with auburn hair and blue-grey eyes and a full beard and moustache. And he was gentle, laid-back – all the things I wasn’t. Within a week, I had decided he was the man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. We married the following year.
I hadn’t wanted children. It was Daniel who felt that we wouldn’t be a ‘proper family’ without them. Tamsin was conceived two years after our wedding, and Claire came along two and a half years after that. As it turned out, I loved being a mother and Daniel was good with the girls as babies. But as they grew up, he changed. His own parents had been authoritarian, and not reluctant to use a belt to hit their children. He, too, resorted to smacking and violence.
One incident in particular stands out. When the girls were seven and four, I noticed ‘fingertip’ bruising on Claire’s arm. I really went for Daniel, threatening to kick him out if he couldn’t control his temper. He was angry with me for taking him to task; but when he realised I was serious, he backed down and apologised. Over and over again, we talked about what was reasonable behaviour and over and over he agreed with me. But his efforts to improve never lasted long.
Why did I stay with him if things were so bad? Well, they weren’t bad all the time. Mostly, we had a good family life. I knew the harm that divorce causes to children. I still loved Daniel and I thought we could make it work. Until that day.
Tamsin, aged four, and her 18-month-old sister, Claire
Daniel was in the Far East when Tamsin wrote her devastating note. Social services set up an appointment for the following Monday. Meanwhile, I had to address another horrible thought. Gently, I asked Claire if her dad had ever touched her. ‘He used to come and give me back rubs,’ she replied. ‘But I liked that…’ ‘Nothing else?’ I asked. ‘He asked me to take off my T-shirt, but I just said no. And once he tried to give me a tummy rub, but I wouldn’t let him.’
It was becoming clearer now. Claire has always been an upfront child. Whenever anything was worrying her, she would come and tell me. If only Tamsin had been the same.
I’m not going to describe Tamsin’s statement to social services. Listening to her engraved pictures on my mind which I still have trouble banishing today. The police also took statements and arranged a medical examination. Several weeks later, Daniel was arrested as he stepped off a flight from Jakarta. DC Barbara White from the sexual offences unit called later to tell me: ‘He’s admitted everything. It’s a very credible confession. He wants me to tell you that he’s never raped Tamsin, and he’s never been unfaithful to you with anyone else.’
I cried my eyes out. Even though I was convinced Tamsin had been telling the truth, still a tiny part of me had hoped it was all a mistake.
Daniel was bailed, with strict conditions not to approach either Tamsin or me. I had imagined that he would be feeling crushed and placatory. I was soon to discover how little I knew him. Within a few days, a letter from him arrived informing me that his mother was bitter that I had not kept our troubles ‘within the family’. So that was it. I was to be blamed for reporting the abuse. This was my first experience of the denial which abusers use to protect themselves from acknowledging the harm they have caused. Who is protected by dealing with such matters within the family? Only the abuser.
For the sexual assault on his daughter, Daniel was sentenced to 12 months’ imprisonment and placed on the Sex Offenders Register for five years. The case took ten months to come to court and was finally heard in October 1997. When people asked me that year how I was coping, I said I had pencilled in a nervous breakdown for November. In the event, it didn’t happen. I didn’t have the time. Tamsin needed all my energy.
Tamsin went downhill quickly. The first signs were strange attacks, which she called freakies. They are difficult to describe. Her body was there, but the rational person that was Tamsin disappeared. Instead there was a frightened creature which threw itself at walls and on the floor, and scratched itself incessantly. I spent many evenings desperately holding her hands to stop her scratching out her eyes until the prescribed tranquilliser could take effect.
For a while, she underwent counselling and we got a brief glimpse of the old Tamsin – a normal teenager full of fun and laughter. But then she went downhill again. Two years after she first disclosed the abuse, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, where nurses found her scraping away at her wrist with a knife. When they took the knife away, she continued to scratch with her nails. She talked about hearing bad voices – the Doctors, she called them. One night, after she was discharged, I found her shaving the skin off the back of her hand with a razor. ‘Don’t be angry with me,’ she begged. ‘I didn’t want to do it. It was the Doctors; they made me!’
Five-year-old Tamsin enjoying a family day out
For six desperately anxious months, we worried that Tamsin was schizophrenic. But psychiatrists eventually concluded that she had been suffering from a neurotic, rather than psychotic illness. As new medication began to work, life calmed down and there were no more voices or self-harming. It was by no means the beginning of the end of our story; but perhaps it was the end of the beginning.
I, too, underwent counselling to unravel my confused feelings. There have been those who, on hearing our story, have expressed amazement that I had just accepted Tamsin’s word when she told me her father had been abusing her, without first giving Daniel a chance to have his say. I can’t explain it. Partly it was because I knew from reading about the subject in newspapers and magazines that children seldom, if ever, lie about abuse. Partly it was because I knew that Tamsin was a truthful person. But mostly it was that somewhere deep inside I had known instinctively that she was telling the truth. Afterwards, odd bits of behaviour and events began to click into place.
One of the difficulties when a relationship ends abruptly is that there is no proper closure. I never got the chance to say goodbye to Daniel. People didn’t expect me to grieve for him because of what he’d done; but this was the man w
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