My Brother Came Inside Me

My Brother Came Inside Me

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In just 30 seconds my brother changed my life forever
It happened “just” twice. But, twice is more than enough to change your life forever. Sexual abuse is often thought of as a long grooming process followed by frequent and ongoing instances of abuse that become more severe over time. However, that is not always the case. Even one incident destroys the victim’s ability to […]

It happened “just” twice. But, twice is more than enough to change your life forever. Sexual abuse is often thought of as a long grooming process followed by frequent and ongoing instances of abuse that become more severe over time. However, that is not always the case. Even one incident destroys the victim’s ability to trust, tears a once healthy self-image, and instills fear in all relationships.
I was young and not yet sexually developed; I was only an eleven years-old girl. One Shabbos afternoon as I was sitting on the couch next to my older brother as we were looking at pictures together, he leaned over and sexually abused me. Just like that.
Should I have reacted to the warnings I felt in my bones? How was I to understand what he just did to me? I barely knew anything about my own body; I didn’t know anything about sex and couldn’t possibly comprehend what had just happened – but, I knew I did not like how it felt. I never felt very secure around my brother. He was away a lot for school but when he did come home, something felt off when I was around him. My instincts spoke to me, but I was so young and didn’t know anything about sexual abuse.
What my brother did to me took all of 30 seconds before he leaned back to his side of the couch. In under a minute, I became a victim and was left with a lifelong memory. I remember my reaction when he touched me. I froze. Then my head began to spin. After what felt like only a few minutes but may have been longer, I went to my room. It wasn’t long though before I was sitting right back there on the couch alongside him.
For some reason, I didn’t feel very angry at my brother at the time. For some odd reason, I felt like he was my responsibility on some level. What exactly that was, I did not know. But I know I felt it.
That first experience sent me back 10 years and simultaneously sent me forward 10 years. On the one hand, I grew up on that day. I was no longer a little girl. But I also regressed 10 years in my emotional health.
The second time it happened seemed to reinforce all of the messages from the first time. My ability to trust slipped away even more; my self-image, already torn, became even more damaged and the fear I felt in all of my relationships became even more intense. Luckily, from that day on, I kept my distance from him and he never had the opportunity to touch me again.
What I did not know at the time, was that I was not the only sister my brother molested. About 2 or 3 years after the 2nd incident with me, child services got involved. My brother was taken into custody for molesting all of his sisters which were younger than he was. Some of my sisters were abused a lot worse than I was. It was until my siblings really pushed me that I was ready to talk about what he did to me as well. Although I felt different from what he did to me, I didn’t completely internalize how wrong it was and I felt bad speaking up.
As I am sure you can imagine, when this story came out my parents had a real decision to make. Who would they support? Would they defend their daughters or what they choose their son who molested his innocent and helpless sisters?
Sadly, my parents took my brother’s side. They could not or did not want to believe that the boy they raised could do something so horrible. They also did not want to be in the spotlight of the child services investigation. So, they did whatever they could do to make the investigation disappear.
When the court case began, I, and my other sisters were asked to deny all charges and sign whatever his lawyer put before us. We did not know what to do; we were so torn. We loved our parents, we trusted them and we wanted to believe they knew what was best. Thankfully, some relatives stepped in and supported me and my sisters and the court case moved forward.
The damage that was done didn’t go away though. My family was split in too – and so was my heart. My pain and my experiences were not validated by my parents. The pain I felt was so real and although I doubted the validity every day, I knew that it was there and the two 30 second experiences changed my life forever. I also knew that my sisters’ pain was real and deserved to be validated too. Any trust I still had in my parents was now completely gone.
Despite being surrounded by many loving and supportive relatives and friends, I felt painfully alone. I doubted everyone and found it impossible to trust even the people I desperately wanted to. I was forced to repeat my story over and over to social workers, detectives and others who stepped into my life. But how does one communicate the horror of being betrayed by my own brother? What words are there to express that pain? I felt so scared.
Every time I spoke, I wondered what would happen to my family. Would we forever have this horrific label attached to us? Would we be forever stigmatized? Will we all be looked down upon? My sisters and I did nothing to deserve this but would we be forced to pay the price, I wondered.
I was so angry but the anger was towards my own family and it seemed like each time I expressed it, the pain only multiplied and the divide in my family became wider.
Those years were the most agonizing period of my life. Now, I’ve grown a lot. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy and a lot of my wounds have been healed. I still doubt myself a lot though. Do I truly understand what a healthy relationship should look like? Do I truly know the definition of appropriate touch? When I hug a child, I always wonder if my hug is hurting them or helping them.
Any understanding I once had of proper boundaries has been shattered. In many ways, I am still an emotionally underdeveloped child. I know I’ve grown a lot but I see myself struggling to maintain simple, healthy relationships. Sometimes, ones that feel right are really co-dependent. My self-image is healing but it’s still not where I want it to be.
The word “trust” always brings up a lot of emotions for me. I was hurt by someone I loved and betrayed by the people I was closest too. I can’t just put them into a nice little box that says “deranged stranger” and move on.
Here’s the thing though: from the outside, if you saw me, you would never know about the whirlwind taking place inside me. I have a “normal” life with good friends and a job. And so are so many others who were abused. We are not the homeless person on the street or the needy in the asylum. We are often walking amongst you, residing amongst you, friends with you, caring for you, wanting to be cared by you but busy patching up and healing our pasts at the same time.
It took only 30 seconds for me to become a victim of sexual abuse. It happened so quickly and without any real warning. But I’m not only a victim; I am also a survivor. I am actively working on myself. I work every day to rebuild my trust in myself and the people around me who deserve it. I understand that along with the challenges G-d gave me, he also gave me the tools to grow from it – so I try. Each and every day. My patches make me stronger and more mature that I would have ever been. I don’t blame myself for what happened to me. I realize that every human being has their struggles and I wouldn’t change my life for anyone else’s. Being a survivor makes me empathetic, sensitive and accepting of people who struggle.
In ending this letter, I want to remind everyone that it only took two 30-second incidents for me to be forced into a life of near constant struggle. There is no such thing as “just” when it comes to sexual abuse. Not in quantity nor in severity. Please protect yourself and listen to your instincts.
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Justice

I just made this like 5 minutes ago, so I have no idea what I'm doing, so please bear with me, haha Well anywaaaays: We have a Christmas eve party every year, so a whole bunch of our family and friends were at our house, and there really wasn't enough space for all of us to sit in the living room all at once. My brother (btw he's 15 and I'm 16) wanted me to sit on his lap, but I really didn't want to since the dress I was wearing rose a few inches when sitting down and it was sleeveless, so I just didn't wanna be on my little brother like that! He's bigger than me, so he just pulled me onto him, anr eventually I just sat there, and was like whatever. Then I could feel his..."thing" coming up, and he was like breathing heavily, and shaking. It was scaring me a little, so I tried to descretely move onto his thigh, but he noticed, and was like "Oh..Sorry about...Ummm that happens when...yeah..." and he was really red, so I didn't want to embarrass him more, so I was just like, "What?" but he knew I was lying, and I felt bad for him. I understand that happens, he's a boy after all, but I'm his sister? I feel like it's my fault for wearing something like that around him (it actually was 3 inches above my knee, so it wasn't at all that short except when I sat down and it would rise...) We haven't said anything to each other since then, and I honestly don't even know WHAT to say since I feel all awkward and uncomfortable around him now...

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Teen guys get boners all the time. Forget about it.
It's no ones fault. He'd probably get it if your cat would sit in his lap. Really ... forget about it and don't mention it.

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Chad

First, don't ever feel like it's your fault for choosing the wrong clothes.
You're a teen girl. He's a teen boy. You're both horny. Acknowledge it, tell him how you feel, and move on.

It's awkward for you, but it's awkward for him too, and it really is a compliment that he has trouble controlling himself around you. IMO it really is best to just talk it over and tell him, hey, you know he thinks you're sexy, but you're off limits, and he needs to find himself a girlfriend/boyfriend before it gets out of hand.

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Arianna

Your brother is a young man, and as such he gets aroused when a young female is around. Maybe a good advice for you is NOT to sit on his lap but just aside him. It's intimate as well (like two siblings need to be) but likely less arousing...
Anyhow, do not elaborate so much; nothing happened!

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Chad

To be fair, Ari, her brother pulled her butt onto his crotch. It's not like she did it on purpose.

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Armando Soto

yeah straighten him out! stop it b4 it gets worse honey take my advice seriously:Tell him to cut the nastiness out b4 he does it frequently he was being a sicko and he put you on himself its gross and has to be stopped BELIEVE ME ;D its happened to me b4 but in a different way

it seems like he couldn't control it. his in his teen years, most boys tend to get boners regularly over anything really. dont worry just talk to him normally and dont even mention what happened cos he will get even more embarrassed. try not to be awkward around him cos then he will be awkward.

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Arianna

To be fair, Ari, her brother pulled her butt onto his crotch. It's not like she did it on purpose.

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Justice

I see what you meant, Ari And thanks everyone, we talked about it; it's all good now

it wasnt so much of what u were wearing it was more of the fact that he had a girl sitting on his lap lol

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Zachary

Weird. I don't think it is natural to get aroused around family members? Or am I the exception? Because if my sister sat on my lap or anything like that, it's as though a guy was in her place (I'm straight, btw), which means that there's no thought or reaction. I believe it's supposed to be like that.
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like Heaven."

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Chad

Some people have more of a mental element in their boners, some people have more of a physical one. Everyone's different. And who knows? If a guy started rubbing his butt against your lap maybe you'd get hard.

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Arianna

Weird. I don't think it is natural to get aroused around family members? Or am I the exception? Because if my sister sat on my lap or anything like that, it's as though a guy was in her place (I'm straight, btw), which means that there's no thought or reaction. I believe it's supposed to be like that.

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Zachary

Just a curiosity: have to ever tried? I think that taboo might give an enhanced thrill, and therefore the chances you'd get aroused are higher...
"You use your heart as a weapon, and it hurts like Heaven."

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Arianna

It happened in the past but nope, no reaction.

What you said makes sense though. Is that why some female students hit on male teachers?

well its not you or your brothers fault...all boys get boners wether the like it or not

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you're his older sister! tell him not to worry about what happenned and it's perfectly normal, he's going through puberty and he gets unexpected erections

YEAH!! life IZ that simple!
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I am twenty nine years old. Last summer my ex husband had the kids away on holidays and I went to stay with my brother for a couple of days. His wife and kids were away. We went to a party and we both drank a lot, when we came home we drank a bottle of whiskey between us. I hardly remember what happened, but I remember him asking me to go to bed with him. It was the furthest thing from my mind, but because I love my brother so much I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I agreed.

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27 Answers - ( Newest, 1 February 2008)

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