My Bf Is Too Big
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My Bf Is Too Big
My new sexual partner is too big for me – what can I do?
‘We pleasure each other in other ways.’ (Posed by models.) Composite: Getty
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Whether I have shrunk or he is particularly well endowed, it makes me feel sad and inadequate
I am a 66-year-old woman 11 years out of a 30-year marriage. My husband left to live with the woman he had been having an affair with, but the marriage hadn’t been right for some years and our sexual activity had diminished drastically. I have a male friend who is the same age as me and we are friends with benefits – only the benefits don’t work. He can’t penetrate me. Either I have shrunk or he is just a big lad (after 30 years of monogamy, I am not exactly au fait with penis sizes ). It makes me feel sad and inadequate. We pleasure each other in other ways, but it would appear penetration is off the table. Before I consult a doctor , what am I doing wrong?
You are not doing anything wrong. In fact, it is wonderful that you understand the erotic value of non-penetrative sex. Some men with atypically large penises struggle to find women who can accommodate them, but it is not certain that your friend falls into this category. After a long period of abstinence – and most likely hormonal diminution – some women do experience some vaginal atrophy that restricts penetration with a penis of any size.
Consider experimenting with gentle self-penetration once you are aroused through masturbation (use lubrication); this may help you understand your current genital physiology. But most likely, if you want to receive penetration comfortably again, it would be wise to consult a sexual medicine professional who may be able to help. Typical treatments include hormone therapy, sex therapy and vaginal dilation.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Yes, believe it or not boys, your penis can be too big! If your guy is well endowed and sex is painful or oral sex is difficult, here are some ways to get around it.
Guys are often envious of other guys who have a bigger penis, but the truth is that we girls are happy with an average-sized penis that won’t break us from the inside.
When a guy pulls his pants down and we are faced with his giant member, that look of disbelief on our faces isn’t necessarily admiration, it is actually disbelief – disbelief that it will fit, without a lot of ripping, stretching and general agony.
Luckily we underestimate the capacity of our vaginas and the potential stretch it has. Remember ladies, it was designed to let a baby out, and a baby is a lot bigger than any guy’s penis. Of course, nobody wants to associate sex with the pain of giving birth, do they?
Sex with a well-endowed man doesn’t have to be a painful or even an uncomfortable experience, though.
So let’s look at some facts first…
Did you know that during sexual arousal a process occurs whereby muscle tension in your vagina pulls your uterus up when you are really turned on, allowing your vagina to expand like a wonderfully roomy tent?
I magine it being like an umbrella and opening up ! When this happens, even more room is created, which is why it is so important for your man to pay attention to foreplay, especially if he has an unusually large penis.
Remember that foreplay is essentially about getting into the right frame of mind, and turning you both on so that intercourse feels natural, and your focus is entirely on the sensations you are both experiencing. A really good orgasm is based on equal proportions of physical and mental stimulation.
When you are dealing with an abnormally large penis it is even more important for your whole body and mind to be in a state of relaxation. The thought of his larger-than-life penis has probably already caused some tension in your body that will go against you both during sex.
Your aim should be to get your vagina into a relaxed state of openness so that it invites him in rather than resists him.
Warning: Some women make the mistake of thinking that alcohol will help them relax, and while this may be true, it also numbs the senses making it more difficult for you to become physically aroused.
You may feel turned on in your head, but your body won’t agree. Alcohol dehydrates you, and your natural lubrication levels will be lowered – a major problem when you have to accommodate a large penis !
Don’t just rely on your natural lubrication if you know your partner is well-endowed. Use everything at your disposal to give yourselves the opportunity to enjoy sex together. There are plenty of lubes to choose from and have some fun with, before and during sex.
Go for a water-based lubricant as it will be least likely to interfere and cause infections. You can play around with flavored lubricants and enjoy oral sex from your man beforehand. If he can bring you to have an orgasm or two before penetration your vagina is more likely to be receptive to his large penis and your muscles will be suitably relaxed too.
You are more likely to achieve an orgasm through penetration too if you have already had one or two prior to intercourse, because everything will be tingling nicely down there, ready to tip you over the edge again!
Make sure that his penis is lavishly lubed up before you start, and don’t forget to keep topping it up because lubricants dry out quickly, and go slow. Any man who knows his penis is a big one should know to take it easy. No sudden thrusts to catch you unawares.
He should aim to build up the intensity of each thrust naturally so that you are prepared for each one and can enjoy yourself without being startled by any sudden pain, which will totally work against everything you have done to relax your vagina.
If he is particularly long, then you may want to avoid certain sex positions that allow deep penetration. If you feel a sharp sudden pain, or if you are feeling uncomfortable, it is probably because he is penetrating too deep and hitting the top of your vagina where your cervix is, which will be painful.
If he keeps going, and you grin and bear it, you will experience a bruised feeling for a few days in your lower abdomen, and in severe cases, you may even experience bleeding.
Play around with different angles until you discover what is enjoyable.
Oral sex doesn’t just have to be about fitting his entire penis down your throat. There are plenty of ways to give a satisfying blow job that works well with a big penis. Here are some tips to keep in mind…
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My long term boyfriend of 14 years is very well endowed I was new to dating again so we took things slow so slow it was five weeks until we slept together his member was so big at first I thought he was playing a joke on me until I turned on the lights and pulled back the covers and discovered his extra big member I was shocked to say the least I’ve never seen one that big in person now I was nervous about the sex we we’re about to have all I could think is I made him wait 5 long weeks and he never once complained it would just seem rude not to try it plus I really took to him but all I can say is no matter how wet I was or slow and gentle or position we tried it still hurt I guess that’s to be expected with a length of 36cm and girth of 21cm but all and all I’m still with him and very happy despite some pain here and there I wouldn’t trade him in for anyone else
I have met a man that big and am frustrated that he’s unable to penetrate me deeply. I’m also dry since menopause which is making this worse. Is there a suppository that could help lube inside?
Lube helps a lot, and so does a penis health creme. These cremes are designed specifically for the penis, and will help moisturize and smooth out the penis skin. This will reduce friction and make things more pleasurable all around.
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It's very common for the gag reflex to kick in when anything — let alone your guy's well-endowed penis — is pushed to the back of your mouth. While you can control this reaction by relaxing, concentrating on your breathing, and getting into a position that puts you in control (like having him lie on his back as you crouch over his crotch), giving a great blow job doesn't require that you reenact a Deep Throat porn scene.
Next time you want to pleasure your man orally, start by swirling your tongue around his nerve-packed corona (the ridge where the head meets the shaft) and gently sucking the tip of his shaft. As his arousal grows, lick the length of his penis, alternating between sweeping up-and-down strokes and circular motions. You'll really make his toes curl if you caress his balls as you tantalize his manhood with your tongue. Or, lick his testicles as you manually massage his shaft.
When you're ready to take more of him into your mouth, try this titillating gag-proof technique: Form a tube with one hand and put it against your lips. Then, wrap your mouth around his shaft and slide your mouth and hand up and down in unison (make sure he's well-lubed with saliva or water-based lubrication). You'll send him into an orgasmic tailspin if you use your free hand to rub his frenulum (the thin ridge that runs the length of the underside of his penis) or supersensitive perineum (the area between his balls and anus) at the same time.
The bottom line: Be as creative as you want — just don't use your teeth. As long as you've got a repertoire of mesmerizing mouth moves and erotic enthusiasm, I doubt your guy will even care whether or not you can fit "all of him" in your mouth.
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Since you say that sex always hurts at least a little, it's likely that you're not producing enough below-the-belt lubrication. To play it safe, you might want to visit your gyno to rule out any medical problems, such as cysts or infections. But, there's a good chance that you just don't engage in foreplay long enough to become adequately aroused. Next time you and your guy are getting busy, take it slow. Have him lavish attention on all your hot spots, with plenty of genital touching and tongue teasing. And, make sure you apply some water-based lube to your vagina or his shaft right before he enters you.
That said, the reason you experienced such severe pain with your new man was probably plain old fear. It sounds like the eye-opening encounter of seeing his "huge" member for the first time freaked you out a bit. Anticipating discomfort causes your muscles — even your vaginal ones — to tense up, making penetration more difficult. So, in addition to extended foreplay and extra lube, it might also help if he gives you a long, sensual all-over massage before intercourse, which will turn you on and mellow you out.
When it comes to doing the deed, you'll have an easier time accommodating your man's large penis if you stick with positions that keep his thrusts shallow while sending you both into maximum overdrive. The woman-on-top pose is a good one to try because it lets you control the depth of penetration. Have him lie flat on his back and hover over him on your hands and knees while sliding him inside you. Move your hips in circular motions as you glide up and down, only going as deep as you can handle. Or, have him sit on a chair with no arms. Then simply straddle his lap, either facing toward him or away from him, and use your feet and thigh muscles to pump away.
You can also try the missionary, but remember that the more your pelvis is tilted, the deeper the penetration, so none of that feet-over-his-shoulders, pillows under your butt stuff. Also, the further apart your legs are, the further he can thrust, so keep your thighs together. Not only will it prevent him from plunging in too far, it can also make for some out-of-this-world clitoral/penile friction. And don't forget, lubrication can come and go. So, be sure to keep adding the slick stuff as needed.
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