Muslim Sisters Secret
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Muslim Sisters Secret
The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women
Te-Erika Patterson
May 17, 2012
My Savvy Sisters
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Ayesha Mattu, 39, of San Francisco and Nura Maznavi, 33, of Los Angeles have come together to produce the groundbreaking book, Love, InshAllah: The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women . In the book, 25 writers sweep aside stereotypes to share their real-life romances and the pursuit of love in the modern world. From singles events and online dating, to college flirtations and arranged marriages, all with a uniquely Muslim twist, the writers represent a broad spectrum of ethnic/racial backgrounds and religious outlooks speaking openly for the first time about love, dating, relationships, gender, identity, and sexuality.
MySavvySisters caught up with Ayesha Mattu and asked her to elaborate on the common misconceptions of Muslim women and her hopes for the book’s influence on our culture.
MSS: What is the biggest misconception that the western world has about Muslim women in regards to love and relationships? How do you think this concept was constructed?
Ayesha: The biggest misconception is, quite simply, that we are veiled, submissive creatures who marry out of duty, not love. In fact, the word “love” is almost never paired with the words “Muslim woman” in the minds of most people.
The past few centuries have been tumultuous ones for Muslim communities and countries globally. Interestingly, in “Western representations of the Muslim woman” Dr. Mohja Kahf talks about how the perceptions of Muslim women have changed over time. During medieval and Renaissance times, European writers portrayed Muslim women in exactly the opposite way, as forceful queens of wanton and intimidating sexuality. She posits that these shifting images of Muslim women are linked to changes in Western relations with the Islamic world, as well as to changing gender dynamics within both societies.
MSS: Your book is a collection of stories about love in the Muslim world that tackles taboo topics like homosexuality, interracial relationships and blending cultural lines. How were you able to get women to discuss these issues openly? What was your reaction to them sharing their stories?
Ayesha: We gathered stories over the course of five years. We spent that time developing deep, trusting relationships with each writer. Because so many Muslim women have had their own words used against them in media interviews or other contexts, we made it clear to each writer that she would have full control over her own narrative and that the final version of her story would only be published with her full approval and consent.
We were happily surprised at the hundreds of responses to our national call for stories. Their willingness to engage with such deeply personal issues was and remains inspirational to us!
MSS: What was your personal motivation behind developing this book?
Ayesha: Much has been written about Muslim women, but very little has been by Muslim women ourselves. We thought it was about time we started telling our own stories. And what better stories to share than love stories, which have a universal appeal? We are all seeking to love and be loved for who we are. Sharing these personal stories gives us all a chance to connect heart to heart, beyond the headlines.
MSS: Can you share a personal story about coming to terms with your own desires for love that illustrates why the message from this book is important?
Ayesha: Many people don’t associate the idea of love with Muslim women, and they also don’t associate it with the religion of Islam. This view is so pervasive that as a child of the West, I didn’t associate those values with Islam either. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties when I started reading the mystical poets of Islam – Rumi, Hafiz, Rabia Al-Adawiyyah, Bulleh Shah and others – that I realized my birthright.
One of the names of God is Al-Wadud (the Loving). He created the world from love, and love is at the core of Islam. Love for our spouse, children, parents, neighbors and the earth are all central to our spiritual teachings. Realizing that helped me connect to a joyful, loving and creative Islam. I want to share that – all the facets that love can take – with others through this book. Ultimately, love is what makes us human.
MSS: How have men in the Muslim community reacted to this book?
Ayesha: They’ve been very supportive! A third of our advance readers were men, and they whole-heartedly endorsed the book. During our 5-city book tour in early to mid-February about a third of the audiences were men, and many of them requested a sequel written from their perspective!
MSS: How do you hope Love, InshAllah will influence modern romantic thought?
Ayesha: There are many possibilities before us. The book is being taught at universities, read by interfaith groups, and selected by book clubs. Counselors, thought leaders and religious figures are using it to engage in conversation with their constituencies and congregations about the issues raised up by the writers, who speak openly about both the joys and challenges of being a Muslim woman in America today.
We hope the book gets picked up in international markets and is translated into other languages. A male sequel is a possibility. We would love to see Love InshAllah go global so that Muslim women in different countries – France, Indonesia, India, Nigeria & elsewhere – can share their own stories. The Muslim community in the US is the most diverse in the world including people from every country imaginable and those whose roots stretch back to the founding of this country. The context changes from country to country so it would be interesting to see the similarities and differences between Muslim women.
And we’ve been asked repeatedly to turn this into a screenplay so maybe Love InshAllah will be coming to a theater near you sometime in the future!
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/LoveInshAllah
Muslim women life in different world, there are another thoughts, rules, ideas. Some of them just live their life and that’s ok for them. Others decide to risk and to start a new life. Read about it in the book The Secret Love Lives of American Muslim Women and discover a new world and realise – it’s up to you to decide.
Muslim women are also women and need love. I think, they are also passionate lovers, but only to their husbands.They are more truthful, devoted and loyal. Forget about stereotypes-read this book!
I believe Muslim women are most respected women in all nations. They manage to be so hands-on to things that they prioritize, especially their husbands. I wonder if they see dating site reviews and join some of online communities also.
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“Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back!
Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she don’t know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. “Where is their father?” I asked, “Can’t he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man’s burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!
I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough? Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH!
NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!
It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did….
My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don’t know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town.
He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn’t know that our time was running out.
His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up.
I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house.
We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill.
When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn’t young anymore. I missed him every day with every beat of my heart. How could one’s condition change so drastically?
One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.
It’s the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances.
He came to my brother’s house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn’t know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy.
I started praying Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around.
I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine. Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband. I prayed that she will accept me.
He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me.
I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met h
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