Muslim Mom Son

Muslim Mom Son
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By Emily Caruso Parnell

Oct 26, 2015

There’s a lot of strife in the world. Violence in Israel is at a frightening peak right now, and there is a collective holding of breath in the Jewish community as we brace for the next bad headline. In the big cities, there’s a palpable sense of wariness and mistrust amongst Jews towards the Muslim community that is growing just as we are struggling to maintain our numbers. Here in Canada, we’ve just endured an election where the niqab became the focus of debate for far too many days. It’s all left me thinking about you, the mother of my son’s new friend.
I want you to know that in our small city I, as a Jewish mother, am so grateful that you’re here—regardless of what you choose to wear on your head. When my son first came home and told me that he had a new friend, Ahmed, I admit that my breath caught in my throat for a second. Would it be a problem, I wondered, when you realized that your son had a friend with such an obviously Jewish name? Were there ever any conversations about Israel at your house? How would our sons react to the differences between them? I prayed that they would be too busy talking about Pokemon and playing tag to notice.
When it came time to write birthday invitations, it was clear that Ahmed’s name would be on the list. Scavenger hunt in the park, lunch on the deck, a beautiful day, and kids so wound up you could have plucked them like a guitar string—we couldn’t have asked for better.
Ahmed’s birthday party was the following day. We both served pizza—no pepperoni. When I came to pick up my son, you invited me into your backyard to watch the kids jump on the trampoline and you offered me a plate of cake. Your neighbors were there, cuddling your small daughter. There were women in headscarves and women without. The conversation moved between French, Arabic, and English. The people in that backyard were the reason that “all of the above” boxes exist on surveys. And none of it mattered. We were all swatting mosquitoes and eating cake together—voracious Northern Ontario insects don’t keep halal or kosher and cake is, well, cake.
At bedtime recently, my son confided that, “You know, Mom, Ahmed’s not a Christmas person either.” For him, the world is divided that way: Christmas people and not Christmas people. The fact that there’s another person in his class whose life runs on a different calendar, one other than the normative Christian one, is a big deal. For him, it validates us as Jews that we aren’t the only people celebrating weird holidays.
Oddly, having a Muslim child in his class makes it easier for him to be Jewish. It’s also made me more aware of the consequences of these cultural debates when they’re approached with such disregard for the real people behind the veil. It’s gotten me thinking about my values as a Canadian and Jew. So, thank you. I hope you know I’m happy you’re here.
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When I was 12 years old I used to sleep beside my mother who was 31 years old. I did not know what was right or wrong, and she allowed or encouraged sexual contacts with her from me. Now, when I remember that I cannot live or sleep as a good normal Muslim. What is my situation in Islam, what can I do for God to forgive me and her?
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.
Know that Zina (adultery and fornication) is a major sin. Allah, The Great and Almighty, has mentioned it in the Quran and linked it with Shirk (polytheism). Allah, Glorified and Exalted is He, says when describing His righteous servants (what means): { And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated - Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful. } [Quran 25: 68-70]
If the punishment of Zina, in general, is in such a painful and an unbearable state, then it becomes worse and more severe if one commits such a crime with his Mahaarim [plural of Mahram], which means unmarriageable women such as mother, sister, daughter, …).
Therefore, many scholars of Islam believe that one who commits incest must be killed and such a state of Zina should not be dealt with as we deal with Zina in general whereas we differentiate between a married one and a single one.
It is reported in a sound Hadeeth that the Prophet ordered the killing of the one who marries his father's wife and taking his property. " [Abu Dawood]
When the Prophet was asked: “ Which sin is the greatest? ” He said: “ To set up rivals for Allah, your Creator. ” It is said: ‘ Thereafter? ’ He answered: “To kill your children for fear of eating with you (i.e. fear of want). It is said: ‘ Then, which is next? ’ The Prophet said: “ To have sex with your neighbor's wife. ” [Muslim]
Imagine how it is bad and dangerous to commit Zina with your neighbor's wife! But, it is more dangerous and worse to commit incest; i.e. sex with a mother, daughter, sister…!! We ask Allah to save all Muslims from committing such actions.
Anyway, it is your instant duty to repent sincerely, to regret and to seek Allah's pardon. In addition, you have to multiply your good deeds and avoid despair.
Allah Says (what means): { Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” } [Quran 39:53]
Thus, you have to take the lesson from what has happened between you and your mother so that you can recognize the bad consequences of giving up the Sharee'ah teachings and manners of behavior.
Furthermore, if the inquirer and his mother followed the Sharee'ah orders and directives concerning sleep, what happened could have been avoided.
Here, it becomes clear that Allah's Mercy on human beings is so great since He has laid down such Sharee'ah rulings concerning ordering us to separate children while sleeping; i.e. to cause each one to sleep alone in one's own bed.
We ask Allah to accept the repentance of those who seek it and to forgive those who seek His pardon. He is The Generous and Munificent.
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Wed., Jan. 14, 2015 timer 3 min. read
update Article was updated Jan. 15, 2015
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“Mom, is B-O-O-B-S a bad word?” my son asked, spelling out the word.
“This boy in class keeps talking about it. And about S-E-X,” he whispered, a look of delighted horror on his face.
“It’s not the proper word,” I responded calmly, my heart hammering. “The scientific word for boobs is ‘breasts’ and all women have them. Boobs is not a bad word, but it’s a word that makes breasts sound dirty, when actually they are just a normal body part.”
I still hadn’t addressed the other word my son mentioned, the much bigger S-E-X. “Do you know what S-E-X is?” I asked him, not really wanting to know the answer. He shook his head, a vehement no. “Okay,” I said, relieved. “We’ll talk about this later.”
As a high school teacher, I firmly believe that education is the best defence against ignorance, the light that will arm my son against the half-truths swirling around the play yard.
As a mother, I was terrified. How could I talk to my kid about sex? I’m a hijab-wearing Muslim South Asian woman. In my conservative family, sex is never talked about. Also, boobs are something white women worry about. Desis slap on a sports bra and pretend nothing happened.
And don’t get me started on menstruation.
So I turned to Google for help. I typed in “how to talk to your kids about sex” and received a plethora of responses, mostly of the unhelpful, “I caught my teenager watching porn” variety. Then I turned to the local library and struck resource gold. The New Speaking of Sex, written by Canadian nurse Meg Hickling, was honest and hilarious. I devoured it, then gave it to my husband to read. He supported me 100 per cent, except for the actual part where he talked to our son.
In search of backup, I ordered a few books to read with my kid — What’s the Big Secret? by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown, and Boys, Girls & Body Science , by Meg Hickling. Cartoon diagrams would be easier to look at than my flaming red face.
The books arrived promptly (damn you, Amazon!) but still I waited, gathering my courage, tormented by questions.
Why is “the talk” so hard? Would he always remember this as the moment his childhood ended? How could i let this happen ? Seriously, what was wrong with that classmate of his?
“I bought you a special book that will answer those questions you asked me a while ago,” I told him at bedtime. I took a deep breath and started reading What’s the Big Secret ? It started with a cartoon diagram of a naked girl and boy, then a close-up of the inner workings of the genitals. He was fascinated.
“Girls have eggs inside them?” he asked. And, later, “But where are the sperm?” This was followed by one entire minute of shocked silence after I explained the main event — what happens during sex.
“Is there any other way to make babies?”
“Well, I guess some people make babies in a lab ... ” I said, thinking of in vitro fertilization.
Oh Allah. “Yes,” I said. “I never realized how warm your bedroom is!”
“Was I made the regular way, or in a lab?”
Another moment to process this. My toes curled in anticipation of his next question.
“Can I take this book to school to show my friends?”
The book stayed at home, but the next night he asked if we could continue reading about “body science.”
“Sure,” I said. “And this might be a good time to talk about menstruation.”
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