Muslim Lesbians
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Muslim Lesbians
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By admin September 12, 2016 August 3rd, 2021 One Comment
This author of this story wishes to remain anonymous, but also to inspire and empower others in similar situations and show them the results of one such journey. The image(s) used in this post is/are stock.
I was 18 years old when I first discovered that I was a lesbian. I think the signs were there earlier on but I wasn’t aware of what it was that I was feeling at that time. One of my earliest memories was when I was 16 and I remember having to lie about who my crush was at school, just so that I could fit in with the rest. For a very long time I was left feeling confused, isolated and so alone; it felt like I was the only one going through this internal struggle of being Muslim and lesbian. I knew that it was something that was seen to be forbidden in Islam. It felt like the two words Muslim and lesbian didn’t go together. It literally was eating away me bit by bit. It felt like I had to make a choice to either be one or the other. It felt like I couldn’t be both. In my mind no matter how much I tried to suppress it, that feeling wasn’t going away.
One day when I returned home from university, something that day just didn’t feel quite right. I went in my bedroom and you know that feeling that you have when you know where everything is in your room but something that day feels out of place. That evening when my dad went out that is when it all started, my mum started to rip into me as she had read my diary and found out about my sexuality; at that time it was the only outlet that I had to express myself.
She was saying all these horrible things to me like she only had three children instead of four. I had a heart attack when I was 16 years old. She said it would have been better if I had died from it. She said a lot of things that are too painful to recall. She treated me like I had a disease and I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know who to turn to or where to go. She threatened to throw me out of the house; I was so scared that I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. The things that she said to me that day still scar me to this day.
The honor abuse continued for over four years. I was constantly put down about my looks, my sexuality. I was mocked, criticized and made to feel like a failure. I was told that I wouldn’t amount to anything and I felt so worthless. I had hit absolute rock bottom and hardly had any self-esteem and self-confidence left.
I fell into severe depression because my mum would not accept me for who I am. A mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional, well that is what I thought – but it wasn’t. I was so isolated at home, it felt more like a prison to me. I felt trapped and suffocated. My mum used to go through my letters, bank statements, my belongings, she used to eaves drop into my conversations, you name it, she did it. No one once stepped in and stood up for me. No one once told my mum to stop.
My mum didn’t have any respect for me or my belongings, I didn’t have no privacy at all in my own home and overtime I started to drift further and further away from my family. I literally felt like I was the rainbow sheep in the family.
I lived a very sheltered life. My family knew the times that I started and finished university so I didn’t have a social life. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends because my mum thought that they were gay and that would turn me gay too, when my sisters were allowed to see their friends because their friends were straight It got really bad to the point that when I even stepped out of my university I didn’t even know where I was.
I couldn’t go to my family doctor as she had made some very unprofessional comments in the past to my family members. I was scared of opening up to her in case she outed me, I didn’t trust her at all. I had to get counselling undercover. Once a letter was sent home about me getting counselling. My mum got to it first and read it, she said the only reason I could get counselling was if it was going to turn me straight. It was a real struggle getting the counselling that I needed.
Over time things were getting worse and I couldn’t cope anymore, I needed some help and support so I typed something along the lines of LGBT Muslim into Google and to my surprise Imaan, which is a support group for LGBTQ+ Muslims, came up. I joined the forum and wrote a post and from there people started talking to me. It was such a huge relief for me to have people to talk to who were in similar situations as me. When I went to my first meet-up which was for women only, I loved it so much. I finally felt like I could be me and that I didn’t have to hold back. I was amongst people who knew what it was like to be going through those issues and I didn’t have to explain myself. I went to the meet-ups as and when I could as I was living a restricted life because my mum would sabotage my plans. Whenever I wanted to go out she would get my family to tag along in order for her to keep an eye on me.
The hardest decision I have ever made in my life was leaving my family. It wasn’t a decision that I took lightly. Home is one of the places where you should feel safe, loved, accepted, somewhere you can be yourself; but I couldn’t be myself at home. I was living a lie, a double life. My first partner was very abusive and used emotional blackmail to get me to leave home. I ended up going from abusive relationship to another. That is a story for another day but the end result was that I went back home eventually. Over time my relationship with my family improved and is continuing to do so.
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© Channel Four Television Corporation 2022
Your preview of the evening headlines
From one woman who feels she does not fit in anywhere, to another attacked by her own family for her sexuality, Cordelia Lynch hears about the prejudices faced by lesbian Muslim women in the UK.
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What’s it like to be gay in modern Britain ? The marriage bells are ringing out in England and Wales, and this weekend the champagne will be popping as couples celebrate a triumphant step on the road to equality. As other countries introduce legislation banning homosexuality, Britain has seen a softening of attitudes, in the boardroom, classroom and now in parliament.
However, homophobia is still an issue in schools, in work places and in families. In the build-up to the first gay weddings next weekend, Channel 4 News decided to try and look at some of the issues affecting LGBT people in Britain, from those fighting to reconcile their religion and sexuality, to the search for love online and the gay asylum seekers going to desperate lengths to try and stay in Britain.
They just grabbed a hockey stick and went nuts. One Muslim lesbian woman
I recently met up with two lesbian Muslim girls. They wore hijabs and attend mosque. Some of their gay friends veiled their faces, others wore western clothes. It was clear their faith was an essential part of who they are, but so too was their sexuality.
The women talked of a quiet revolution taking place in mosques across the country, with growing numbers of women leaving arranged marriages to pursue the lives they have secretly longed for. They say it is much harder for gay women than men in their communities, with patriarchy at the heart of the problem.
Neither of the women believed there was a contradiction in being lesbian and Muslim, but they have both faced intense prejudice. One woman told me her family had become suspicious and one day subjected her to a violent attack after suggesting she got married.
“There was no discussion, there was no talking, it was just this is the guy, that’s it – you’re getting married. They just grabbed a hockey stick, and went nuts,” she told me. “I couldn’t see an exit, and I’m thinking oh God, I’m going to have to endure this pain. I think I lost consciousness at one point.”
It wasn’t only being a Muslim lesbian, it was being the brown face.
When her family were out, she escaped the house, leaving the area for three years.
The other woman faced prejudice from the very people she thought she’d be accepted by: other lesbian women.
“It wasn’t only being a Muslim lesbian, it was being the brown face,” she said. “For me it was difficult, because I think they weren’t used to a woman like me wearing a hijab…and asserting her sexuality,” she said.
These women offer a rare and powerful insight into a group not often heard from.
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By Daniel Burke and CNN Religion Editor Edited by Braden Goyette , CNN Religion Editor, CNN
Published
5:58 PM EDT, Tue May 28, 2019
Worshipers perform the last Tarawih prayer of Ramadan in Washington on June 13, 2018.
Mahdia Lynn at Masjid al-Rabia, a mosque that welcomes Muslims of different sects, races, genders and sexual identities.
Two members of Masjid al-Rabia work on its ministry to Muslim inmates.
Yasir Qadhi, an influential Muslim-American scholar, is one of the few who has publicly addressed LGBT issues.
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