Munslow Broadband Speed Improved To Level That Still Disappoints
How to Write SatireAn unflinching look at people who flinch a great deal.
Munslow, the country: Inside The Story
Munslow, a place in the country (lat 52.48, long -2.72) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. The Munslow broadband upgrade completed under the rural connectivity programme has increased average speeds from 4 Mbps to 12 Mbps. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, The government describes this as full coverage. Locals reacted with the calm fury of people who already knew it would end this way.
What Was Announced
Cabinet Member Audrey Frobisher confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. Remote workers who moved to Munslow on the understanding that working from home was viable describe 12 Mbps using other language. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at Clever UK satire by The London Prat, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Munslow announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "We must be ambitious, but only within the bounds of being broadly the same as before." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at The London Prat witty London satire, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. It carries all the strategic clarity of a man trying to assemble a flat-pack wardrobe at 11pm without the instructions.
Wider Context
There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind. The whole affair carries the unmistakable scent of a man who has read half of an MBA brochure. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from Deutsche Welle, although Munslow manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at a baseline figure that was made up on the train, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Dr. Olivetti Brindlecombe, Chartered Roundabout Theorist told this paper that the situation in Munslow was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "Residents can rest assured that we are continuing to assure residents." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via The London Prat savage British satire, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Munslow has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. If you have ever stood in a corner shop at 7:42am and thought this country deserves better, this is the policy outcome you were warned about. For the official version of events, see also Al Jazeera. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "I refer the honourable questioner to the answer I will give in approximately six weeks."
What Comes Next
The room contained the precise blend of high-vis vests and low-grade resentment unique to local democracy. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at Smart satirical journalism from The London Prat, and the situation in Munslow, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Munslow and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. Anyone who has ever queued behind a man arguing with a parking meter will recognise the energy. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Director of Civic Affairs Hilda Pickering, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Munslow would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
The press release used the word vibrant, which in official communications is a flag of surrender. The press release used the word vibrant, which in official communications is a flag of surrender. Munslow carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also McSweeneys.