Movie His Porn

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Movie His Porn
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Eric Spitznagel
Eric Spitznagel is a frequent contributor to magazines like Playboy, Esquire, and the New York Times, and was employed for over two decades by the Second City comedy theater, where Stephen Colbert was his Secret Santa _twice.

Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.

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From porn star biopics to sex tape comedies, these are the best porn movies ever made.
Everything about the adult film industry is fascinating. It’s a business where people get paid to have sex with each other while being filmed so that that the footage can be watched later by people trying to masturbate . It used to be profitable, but now everything is free online , and yet somehow there’s more porn content being created than ever in the history of people recording each other fucking, with more video of well-lit carnality than anybody could ever possibly want or need, and nobody’s paying for any of it, and yet porn actors are still calling themselves “stars,” even though there hasn't been a legitimate “porn star” since the 70s, and even then you could only describe them as “stars” if you were using “air quotes.”
My point is, porn has been such a consistently weird part of our cultural history, and a window into our complicated relationship with sex. So why have there been so few mainstream movies about porn? Off the top of my head, I could name dozens of movies about war, and I’ve never been in the military. But I can recall only a handful of watchable movies about porn, and I watch porn… well, a lot. How can something so important to our lives—and lie all you want, but Americans watch a lot of porn, so for better or worse it’s important—be so under-represented?
As it turns out, there have been many, many movies about the peculiar human instinct to record ourselves acting like animals in heat. But most of them are crap. I watched countless hours of dramas and comedies, searching for the cinematic masterpieces (or at least watchable-pieces) that took a long, unflinching look at the seedy underbelly of porn and what the industry reflected back of our own desires and sexual hangups. Yeah, um… turns out those movies are hard to come by.
Most films about porn are in the ballpark of Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star , about a guy who becomes a porn star for having the world’s smallest penis. And that’s one of the better ones. I sat through movies like The Erotic Samurai , a wildly offensive tale of an Asian-American porn star, and Porn Shoot Massacre , a horror film about… spoiler alert… a porn shoot where everybody gets murdered. I sat through films like Jack Jimminy: Porn Extra and Award Winning Indie Lesbian Sex Film because I am a journalist and I am devoted to finding the truth, even if it means watching a lot of girl-on-girl action that never really carries the narrative arc forward.
When you really delve into the art-imitating-porn universe, the pickings are slim. But there are some illuminating films out there. Here are 30 of the best, which tackle not just the weird and damaged people who want to make a permanent record of their sweaty hydraulics, but the rest of us who watch and try to decide if this is something we want to emulate.
It’s that old Hollywood cliche: Boy meets girl, boy finds out girl is a porn star, boy shoots porno with girl during high school prom to earn back money stolen by girl’s porn producer. Despite the cliches, there’s still something charming about The Girl Next Door . Maybe because it feeds into the fantasy that porn actresses are emotionally well-adjusted free spirits who are just one real estate decision away from falling in love with a regular guy. If the women doing DP in your search history just moved in next door, she’d notice you, fall in love, and become your sexual Yoda. A ridiculous idea, sure. But since when has porn had anything to do with realism?
A film that manages to star acting heavyweights like Jeff Bridges, Isaiah Washington, Ted Danson, and Joe Pantoliano despite having a script with references to “carpet munching” and “a half-dozen guys unloading on a gal until she looks like a melted candle.” Bridges plays Andy Sargentee, a middle-aged divorcé with no financial prospects who tries to turn his life around by making amateur porn. In other words, the reason anybody anywhere has ever decided to make amateur porn. Is there another reason porn gets made, other than people with nothing left to lose and bad risk-assessment skills saying, “Might as well try this?”
The critics hated The Amateurs , but everything about it rings true. The director (played by Pantoliano) only gets the job because he took a night school film class and vaguely knows what he’s doing. A local video store employee becomes the cinematographer because he owns his own digital camera. The lead (played by Danson) is a closeted gay guy named “Moose” whose entire self-identity is based on a sexual lie. Any “amateur” porn made in the last thirty years has at least one person who’s only there because he knows how to use the equipment or he’s a sexually confused dude with an animal nickname.
If you've never seen the 1972 smut film Deep Throat , we’ll save you some time. Nobody in the ‘70s shaved their body hair. Like, at all . This docudrama is a far better way to learn anything about history’s most infamous adult film. Amanda Seyfried plays the reluctant star with the legendary gag-reflex, in a sort of Rashomon she said/she said telling of the Deep Throat story. The first version is fun and sexy, with Hank Azaria and Bobby Canavale playing weirdly lovable mob-connected porn producers who say things like, “Ohh, now that is art!” But when the tale is told a second time, Lovelace becomes Linda Boreman, the victim-turned-feminist anti-porn crusader who’s finally able to tell the grisly truth. Lovelace tries (and sometimes succeeds) in showing how porn can be two things at once—ridiculous and harmless, and also very, very dark.
A Bob Fosse-directed movie about porn that includes zero jazz hands almost seems like a huge missed opportunity. But the Broadway musical legend’s last film is still a cinematic triumph, one of the first to make the startling observation that young people getting paid to have sex on camera might not be the happiest individuals. In fact, they might be pretty miserable, consumed with so much self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy that getting naked for the entertainment of strangers, even if that nudity is with a “classy” rag like Playboy , won’t magically erase years of self-loathing. If life is miserable before you go into porn, it's going to be just as miserable (if not more so) when it spits you out the other side, assuming you even get there before your sociopathic boyfriend who can't believe you’re still doing the thing he helped you start doing murders you in a jealous rage.
The biographic film follows none other than the 1950s pinup and bondage model Bettie Page. Gretchen Mol plays the iconic sexpot. The film covers all stages of Page's life — her childhood in Tennessee, her big move to New York City, and how she rapidly rose to stardom in the underground world of bondage modeling.
Five or six years ago, there was widespread panic about “leaked” sex videos. It wasn’t just Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton having their home-made sex tapes shared with the whole world. Suddenly normal-seeming celebs like Jennifer Lawrence, Kirsten Dunst, and Olivia Munn watched in horror as their private porn screeners spread far and wide online. So obviously, if it could happen to Jennifer Lawrence, it could happen to us. Never mind that the vast majority of the world absolutely doesn’t wan t to see what goes on in your bedroom—sorry, but it’s true—and hackers are way more interested in your credit card information than your dick pics. The fear was real, and it resulted in a movie like Sex Tape , where Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel play a couple whose amateur porn is accidentally shared with their friends and family, and this news completely freaks them out. I know, adorable, right? Maybe we live in a more jaded age, or we’re just bored with seeing stranger's genitals, but we no longer live in a world where, to paraphrase Andy Warhol, everybody will be porn famous for 15 minutes.
While not a movie about porn, The 40-Year-Old Virgin is undoubtedly a movie about sex. Still, we decided to include the Judd Apatow cult classic starring Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks, Jane Lynch, and Romany Malco for the “big ol’ box on porn” scene. When David (Rudd) learns that Andy (Carell) doesn’t watch porn, he coaxes Andy into taking a huge box of videos home with him by loudly claiming that the pornos were Andy’s to begin with.
When you think of guys with a crippling porn addiction, you probably imagine some heavy-breathing, trench-coat-wearing perv slinking into the back room of a video store. Or maybe a greasy Paul Reubens exposing his Pee Wee in a Florida porn theater. But Don Jon takes a different view of the porn addict. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a porn-obsessed Jersey douche who dates a woman who looks like Scarlett Johansson (because she's played by Scarlett Johansson) that he mostly ignores because he loves Internet porn. You know… real person problems. It's a rom-com in disguise, but it speaks to some hard truths about how porn can mess with your head. “Nothing does it for me the same way,” Gordon-Levitt’s character explains about his favorite pastime (i.e. masturbating to online smut). “I can’t lose myself in (flesh-and-blood women) like I do in porn.” Actual women apparently expect things, like eye contact and orgasms.
Jody Balaban (played by Leelee Sobieski) is an NYU film school graduate who can’t catch a break in Hollywood, so she takes an editing job at a porn company called Grind Productions, which is run by a director with dreams of creating art-house smut that audiences watch till the end to see how the plot unfolds. Jody isn’t all that interested in the porn, but she does utilize the studio to make her own movies at night—the kind where scenes don’t end with ejaculations—and because she can’t get legitimate actors to go anywhere near her workplace, she employs porn actors. Jody discovers her kinky side and the actors, finally getting a chance to do some real emoting, discover how much fun it can be saying lines with your clothes on.
A fascinating portrait of a Japanese pornographer that contains not a single shot of exposed flesh. Ogata, a very serious craftsman of fetish films—he's far from the lecherous, mustache-twisting porn merchants of American films—creates made-to-order smut for his corporate clients while staying one step ahead of the law. (Even today, most porn is considered “indecent” in Japan and can land you in jail.) His earnings goes to the widowed landlady he lives with, and whose underage daughter he lusts after. He doesn’t try anything with the girl, not because he’s a good person but because the widow’s dead husband has been reincarnated as a carp (or so everyone in the house believes) and is always watching from a nearby tank. Yes, it gets weird. But it’s a masterpiece of dark comedy and sexual reckoning, and quite likely the only time you'll see a porn producer on screen say a line like, “Into each hair I've poured all my pain.”
They may not be the most famous names in porn, but the Mitchell Brothers were among the most influential. They gave the world Behind the Green Door, which turned Ivory soap model Marilyn Chambers into a porn superstar, and ran the O'Farrell Theater strip club in San Francisco, which Gonzo journalist Hunter S Thompson (who briefly lived upstairs) called “The Carnegie Hall of public sex in America.” Who better to play the sleaziest drug-addled brothers in porn than real-life brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez (who also directs)? They both shaved their heads for the movie, and say things like, “Let's make a flick about a jail. It's just for girls. Now the lady that runs the joint is nasty, a real maniac. She doesn't let the girls wear any clothes.” You’ve got to hand it to the Sheen brothers, when it comes to playing believable junkie sex fiends who eventually lose their minds, nobody is more convincing.
Two best friends in their 30s, Ben and Andrew, decide to take their bromance to the next level by co-starring in a gay porn film together. As one does. It might sound like a setup to a groan-inducing teen comedy about homosexual panic, but Humpday —which, not coincidentally, was written and directed by a woman—is about more than just “it’s funny when straight guys pretend to be gay.” It's about friendships that drift apart, and just how far we’re willing to go to keep those intimate connections alive. We won’t spoil the ending for you, but it’s a doozy. And for a movie about two dudes making amateur gay porn, surprisingly clean.
Porn is ubiquitous, but it hasn't always been this way. The freedom to look at pictures or videos of whatever sick and twisted fantasies get your motor running wasn’t always a basic human right. It took a guy like Larry Flynt to champion a lot of those freedoms. Woody Harrelson plays the Hustler magazine founder with sleazy, self-righteous charm, who manages to be both a underdog fighting for freedom of expression in all its forms, and genuine human garbage who you kinda want to see lose. During his 1987 Supreme Court battle with Rev. Jerry Falwell, over a parody liquor ad in Hustler where the religious figure purports to have drunken sex with his mom, Flynt manages to be just gross enough to make us feel bad for Falwell. And that’s no small feat. But we’re also happy that Flynt wins, because as he reminds us, “If they'll protect a scumbag like me, then they'll protect all of you.”
This film follows ten different women, but the storyline that makes the biggest impact involves Elektra Luxx—a porn pseudonym so spectacular, it’s a crime against humanity that it hasn’t been adopted by a real porn actress yet. As played by Carla Gugino, she’s funny and vulnerable and full of complexities. Oh, and she just learned that she’s pregnant—after a girl-on-girl scene with her friend Holly Rocket, who advises audiences to always get tested for STDs, because “anyone can get a PhD.” Is it any surprise that this movie came from the same creative mind that wrote the script for Snakes on a Plane ? Of course it’s not. Luxx was such a stand-out in the cast of oddball characters that she got her own eponymous sequel, called (you guessed it) Elektra Luxx .
There’s a part of me that hopes there are people who watch Orgazmo and go, “This is true! This is what actually happens on porn sets! They kidnap innocent Mormons and force them to perform as sexy superheroes!” That probably doesn't happen, but I so desperately want this movie to be the Reefer Madness of porn cautionary tales. I want concerned parents to think their kids are being brainwashed into thinking post-marriage missionary sex could never compare to the Orgazmorator, a weapon capable of giving its victims multiple orgasms.
Okay fine, a movie this campy is never going to be taken seriously, even by people who've never heard of South Park or The Book of Mormon (the more well-known creations of Trey Parker and Matt Stone). But any movie featuring characters with names like Maxxx Orbison and Jizzmaster Zero, and a cast of actual porn stars—Jeanna Fine! Jill Kelly! Chasey Lain!—as “Where's Waldo”-esque extras deserves some kind of infamy.
Does anyone remember John Holmes anymore? During the 70s and 80s, he was the adult Industry’s Brad Pitt, if Pitt had no acting ability, did every role with a mustache, and had an enormous pecker. Homes had a pretty good run for a while, but too much blood must have stayed in his elephant dong, because he also had a history of really, really bad life decisions. That's the story of Wonderland , the rise and fall of an idiot with a big dick, played convincingly by Val Kilmer.
Writer/director Paul Schrader, the same guy who wrote the script for Taxi Driver , presents a part of the porn equation that rarely gets much attention: The parents. Every actress in every porn film ever made has a father somewhere who either has no idea what his baby is doing or is very, very upset about it. They’re not all as devoted as the midwestern father played by George C. Scott in Hardcore . But they’re out there, and watching this movie is an uncomfortable reminder of their existence. Scott's character, Jake, is determined to find his teenage daughter after she disappears during a church trip to California. He hires a private detective (played by Everyone Loves Raymond dad Peter Boyle) who finds a porno film starring his daughter, which leads to Scott going undercover as a porn producer, where he befriends a prostitute with a heart of gold. You know, as angry fathers alarmed by their daughter’s rebellious sexuality are want to do.
It's the flip side to The Girl Next Door 's teen-geek-meets-porn-star fantasy, where the ending isn't quite as happy (i.e. the teen geek isn’t rewarded with a clandestine prom orgy.) 17-year-old Tobe (played by Dustin Ingram) learns that his porn obsession, Monica Velour ( Sex & The City 's Kim Cattrall), is dancing at an Indiana strip club. So he drives out to meet her, assuming what all porn fans think about the people they see in videos—they never age, and if I just get to meet them, they’ll want to have sex with me. Spoiler alert: Neither are true! It’s been decades since Monica Velour last made a porno, and now she’s in her 50s, living in a trailer, and making money with humiliating strip shows where sneering crowds make Depends jokes about her. She’s also embroiled in a custody battle with her violent ex-husband, which just makes her life extra-sexy. Long story short, the Monica Velour that Tobe meets is not exactly the masturbatory fodder of her ‘80s VHS canon.
Of all the films made about the porno industry (at least the good ones), this always seemed the least believable. It’s funny, but the premise is about as far from reality as you can get. A dude and his best female friend (Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks) can’t pay their bills, so they make a porno in the coffee shop where the
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