Mormon Girls Are Easy

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Dating a girl from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS, or Mormon) can be a great relationship. That being said, there are some facets of the religion that you should be aware of that will influence how she approaches both you and the relationship. If you are willing to understand and accept these, whether or not you are a Mormon, you can have a fun time dating Mormon girls.
Make sure you are 16. According to the teachings of the Church, Mormon youth should not date before the age of 16. This is more of a custom than a hard rule, but it is a good standard to follow, as you will probably not be mature enough to effectively handle that kind of personal relationship before then.[1]
Even after this, the Church discourages youth from entering serious relationships before they are considering marriage.
Think about what you want in a relationship. While the Church allows dating at 16, it discourages serious relationships until you both are older and considering marriage. Before that, you are encouraged to date, but not exclusively. This isn’t a hard rule, but it will influence the way both of you approach the relationship. Having similar expectations about the relationship’s possibilities will make your time together more meaningful and fun.
The right age for marriage depends on whether you're a man or a woman. Men can marry after completing their mission trip—in their early 20s at the earliest. Women can marry after graduating high school.
You can still date even if you're not looking for a partner. Dating can help you learn what you value in other people. It can also be the basis for forming important friendships and learning important social skills.[2]
Be a good influence. The Church encourages you to use dating as an opportunity to show your respect not just for others, but for yourself. Dress nicely, as the girl will appreciate the effort put into looking good for her, and encourage her to do the same.[3]
Wearing nice clothes shouldn't be your only focus. Take good care of your hygiene as well.
Be courteous and polite. Treat others with kindness and respect.
Keep the relationship casual. If you are not old enough to consider marriage, you should be careful about having a serious, exclusive relationship. Even if you are looking towards marriage, it can be better to hold off on more serious activities until a couple of dates to make sure you both feel the relationship is moving in the right direction.[4]
Avoid prolonged physical contact at first, including kissing and holding hands. A brief hug is fine, but lingering or forced contact is not appropriate. Don’t other people the idea that you're an exclusive couple.
This is especially true when you're around others. Public displays of affection show a lack of self-control and can be considered disrespectful to others. You open displays can make other people feel uncomfortable.
Be willing to date other people. The goal of dating is to broaden your social circle and learn more about yourself. Don't try to be exclusive with just one person—go on dates with as many people as you can.
Look for girls in your singles ward. In areas with lots of single Mormons of dating and marriageable age, the Church has established singles wards. You will be surrounded by single women, many of whom are probably interested in dating and marrying a Mormon, so take advantage.[5]
There's a current shortage of men in LDS circles due to them leaving the Church in their early 20s. This means there'll be plenty of girls looking for a date, and you can be as choosy as you’d like.[6]
Date in groups. While dating is a good time to get to know someone, if you are young it is better to go on group dates. This can keep the relationship from getting too exclusive, and spending time with more people can give you a wider variety of things to do.[7]
Group dates can be a good idea even for serious relationships because they'll allow you and your girlfriend to see how you interact with other people.[8]
Make sure everyone involved is a couple, or at least paired with someone. Otherwise, you'll risk having an awkward mix between dating and hanging out.
Don’t date while on mission. While you will be of the right age to date, the Church discourages you from trying to date someone while on your mission trip. Your focus should be on promoting the Church and performing good works, and you won’t have time for a relationship.
Don't get into long-distance relationships or date someone you meet while on mission. They're both distractions.
Go on dates on days other than Sunday. Mormons observe the Sabbath closely, so Sundays are for attending church meetings and focusing on their spirituality.[9] You’ll probably have to skip Sunday brunch, but there are six other days in the week to use for dating.
Even if you don't observe the Sabbath yourself, you should still respect your girlfriend's faith.
Dress nicely. The Church encourages people to be a good influence on one another, and she will probably expect you to dress well for her.[10] You don’t need to wear a tie, but she will probably find it attractive if you take the time to put on something nicer than jeans and an old t-shirt for her.
Take care of the rest of your appearance as well. Maintain good hygiene and be well-groomed.
Know her limits on substances. Due to their religious teachings, Mormons do not smoke, drink alcohol or caffeinated "hot drinks" (such as coffee or tea), or do drugs.[11] This does not mean that you cannot do those things, but remember that she will not be able to do them with you. This can make it harder for you two to do things together.[12]
The Church has recently clarified its position on caffeine. "Hot drinks," which refers to coffee or tea are not okay, but sodas are perfectly fine.[13]
Don’t ask her to have sex. Mormons are very strict about avoiding sex outside of marriage. If you are in a relationship with the expectation of sex, it isn’t going to work out. The extent of other physical activity depends on what you both want from the relationship, though in general the Mormon Church frowns on sexual contact even beyond intercourse.[14]
Learn more about the LDS Church. If she identifies as a Mormon, then she probably takes her faith seriously, and it means a lot to her. You’ll want to show interest in things she cares about, so take this time to learn more about Mormonism. You can ask her directly, or through sources like other Mormons or reading their books. You certainly don’t have to accept any of it, or convert, but it may help you understand her faith and choices.
Consider converting. If your relationship has gotten very serious, your girlfriend will probably try to find agreement in your faiths. Being married and raising a family can be very difficult if the two of you disagree about important issues like religion. In each case, you should also consider how this will affect your families. There are two ways to go about this.
You join the LDS Church. This is obviously a big step for you, so be sure you have learned about the Church’s beliefs and teachings.
She converts to your religion. If she's interested in converting, be ready to discuss your beliefs, and help her find ways to learn about and follow them.
Alternatively, neither of you converts. If you're both comfortable having different faiths, you can still have a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.[15] Keep in mind, however, that interfaith marriages are unusual for Mormons, so it could be difficult for your relationship to last.
Make sure she is 16. According to the teachings of the Church, Mormon youth should not date before the age of 16. If she isn’t 16 yet, she almost certainly won’t go out with you. Even after that, the Church discourages them from entering serious relationships before they are considering marriage.[16]
If all you are looking for is some non-serious dates to have a good time, you should be fine.
Ask her on dates. Even though there aren’t strict rules about who should be doing the asking, it is always easier for her to say yes when presented with the opportunity.[17]
Be specific when you ask her and make it clear that you want to go on a date. Say "Would you like to go on a date with me?"
Follow up with something specific, such as: “Do you want to see a movie on Friday afternoon?” If she can't go on that day and time, she may work with you to find an alternative.
Try a variety of dates. You should want to keep things new and interesting, as you would in any relationship, while still allowing your date to maintain the standards of her faith. If you need alcohol or coffee to have a good time, you just aren’t being creative enough. Consider a mix of activities that are inexpensive, and allow you to talk and learn about one another.[18]
Some good ideas include going on a walk or a hike, going to a museum, or having a picnic outside. You could even do these as a group date, which may make her more comfortable in the early stages of your relationship.
Service is important in the Mormon faith, so she might like doing something that will help others, like helping someone clean their yard. The important thing is doing it together.
Plan ahead so that you don't run into problems, like sold-out movie tickets. Make reservations early, and tell her where you're going so that she can dress appropriately for the occasion.[19]
Pay for the first few dates. If you were the one who did the asking, it is simply chivalrous and gentlemanly for you to pay for dinner, the movie, or whatever else you do.[20]
Dates don't have to be fancy and expensive. Try doing something simple, like going for a walk or playing a game. The important thing is that you're get to know one another.
Later on, you shouldn’t always be paying. If your relationship is moving forward, or she suggests doing something more expensive, it is not inappropriate for her to help pay as well.
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by April Carlson · Published March 7, 2019 · Updated March 7, 2019
The Mormon Mean Girls won’t quit. Lonely, betrayed, and isolated women keep showing up to my Utah based maternal mental health practice bereft over their toxic interactions with rejecting and unkind Mormon women. The behavior sounds like teenagers of bullying Mean Girls fame. But the actors are adults. Why is this happening to grown up women? Does it happen outside of Mormon culture? Curiosity soon had me observing signs of Mean Girls at work in all my communities.
A review of research literature on the topic revealed that relational aggression does persist into adulthood and is not the exclusive domain of women or specific to Mormons. Relational aggression uses threat and injury to our deeply human need for connection to overpower and harm the targeted victim. It is violence of words, eye-rolls, neglect, exclusion and gestures that inflicts invisible injuries. It can be as simple as the front section of seats at the school assembly taped off with a sign that reads, “Reserved for PTA Moms Only.” It might be the friends in the meal prep group all being called to the Young Women’s presidency together. Or the neighbors that water ski together on the weekend but never extend an invite to one neighbor family.
Exclusion and rejection are the most common threads in these experiences where everyone (family, friends, neighbors, and/or ward members) get together for a shared purpose. The target is secretly excluded or not invited. Later the target learns of the missed event from others. The knowledge may be dropped accidentally or the target might be directly informed of their exclusion by an in-group member, “So and so is uncomfortable around you” or “We thought since your son came home from his mission you might not want to be celebrating.” Pictures are posted to social media, again without any regard to how the target will feel when they realize they are excluded. The message delivered to the excluded individual is “You don’t belong. You don’t matter. We don’t want you.”
Other weapons of relational aggression include rumors, gossip, concern trolling, dismissal, undermining, doxing or online pile-ons. It looks like hierarchies where power and influence are hoarded by an elite in-group. It looks like a group that belongs and others that are cruelly informed they do not belong. A target that chats with the spouse of a neighbor across the hedge while gardening is whispered about as a husband stealer. Judgements about the spouse or children of an individual might be used as a reason to insult a target or gossip about them. A group gets together at a work place, on a play date, or online and they bond over their collective superiority in comparison to the wrongness of the target. Often the violence is driven by a group member that acts as a go between, filtering negative stories to the group leader to justify the unleashing of relational aggression. Instigators might reach out with their rumors to those outside of the group to inflict greater harm on the target. They aim for losses such as a release from a church calling, termination of employment, broken relationships, and ruined reputation.
Why do adults engage in these adolescent antics? The bullying behavior of relational aggression is fueled by feelings of inferiority and powerlessness in humans regardless of age. It doesn’t just happen to Mormons. It is common in work places, particularly in occupations that lack power within a hierarchy, such as nursing.
Mormons are especially prone to relational aggression because of the hierarchy of priesthood power and how that power is expressed. A hierarchy of leaders determine worthiness and belonging through subjective judgement or discernment. A criminal can be called as a leader. The best human can serve in beta callings for a lifetime. The lack of transparency around who receives or is released from a calling breeds opportunity for rumor and judgment. The secrecy of a disciplinary council or simply the assignment of ministering teachers create conditions for exclusion. In the absence of transparency it is easy for an influencer to create prejudice about a target with rumor and conjecture.
Humans are wired for connection. Being received by a community with empathy and love creates safety, well-being and heals emotional injury. It is what Jesus taught as he referred to the Church as a body (we are all interdependent connected parts of a whole) and as he counseled us to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The intentional severing of connection has devastating consequences as evidenced in the many clients paying for mental health services to treat the emotional injuries of relational aggression.
When we are at our most stressed, moving through life transitions such as marriage, parenthood, new employment, losing our faith, death of a loved one –we are at greatest risk of being triggered by shame into a mental health crisis. This is when we need connection most. When we need our voice to be heard. When we need to be received with empathy.
Shame researcher Brene Brown describes secrecy, silence and judgement as the petri dish that allows shame to grow and thrive. She identifies scarcity culture as a multiplier that exacerbates these conditions. Relational aggression feeds shame with the othering message that a target does not belong. On the receiving end of relational aggression we are isolated, rejected, and other. There is something wrong with us that causes our people to reject and harm us when we need them to survive.
What can we do as adults when we are targeted by relational aggression? We must reclaim connection using our voice and moving into responsive action.
Speak: When it is safe to do so, speak up. Connect to safe people outside of the community where you are a target and name what is being done to you. Describe the impact it is having on you. Discuss it with a therapist. Connect with support groups in person or online to validate what you are experiencing and to remind you what it is like to be received with kindness and respect. Interrupt the secrecy of the aggressors and you will begin to find relief from the shame of being targeted.
If the relational aggression is coming from family or other permanent people in your life rehearse with a therapist or friend how to tell them that they are hurting you. Practice saying no to interactions that will hurt you. Experiment with boundaries to keep you safe in the future.
Move: Trauma is nastiest when we feel fear and we are trapped. It is 100% human and normal to feel fear at being rejected from a group that we believe we need to survive. Being trapped escalates the fear to trauma. Some clients have moved their children to different schools to escape a toxic PTA or chose to forgo callings to attend a different ward. In a workplace case of relational aggression, documenting the acts creating a hostile work environment may allow you to find relief through a responsive manager or a human resources department.
If you are experiencing relational aggression in a physical community, moving to a new home in another ward/school district/neighborhood may not be a viable option. You have every reason to feel trapped! If you cannot physically remove yourself from the harm is it possible to identify the needs you are trying to get met through connection to the aggressors? What resource are they hoarding as you experience scarcity? Can you get what you need from someone else and emotionally move to a safer source? What other communities or connections might you nurture to eventually transition those needs to empathetic people? If you cannot easily remove yourself from the reach of the threat are there boundaries you can set to reduce the harm being done to you?
Finally, we can improve all the communities we engage in for connection by doing the hardest thing and minding our own tendencies towards relational aggression. Where do
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