Monogamish Dan Savage
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What It Really Means to Be Monogamish
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I saw a friend a few weeks ago who said he was looking for love, commitment and a “monogamish” relationship with a woman.
“Do you need to clear your throat?” joked another friend. “You mean 'monogamy', right?”
He didn't and he's not alone. The term "monogamish" was first coined a few years ago by relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage, who shared that the arrangement he has with his long-term partner, in which they're committed to each other but can have sex with others, is not just a phenomenon for gay men. Savage asserted that these kind of relationships are happening more and more with straight couples across the country, though many will never talk openly about it.
Today, the idea is becoming even more mainstream as we delay marriage and design our lives according to our needs, wants and values—not just the expectations we follow based on what society or our parents would think.
I spoke with sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., who has worked with monogamish couples in his private practice in New York City. Kerner says, "We live in a culture where monogamy and sexual exclusivity is pretty much the norm and it takes a lot of planning, collaboration, trust, and communication to go up against that norm. Ironically, the couples who engage in some form of non-monogamy often have a higher degree of trust and are much more anxious around breaches of trust. I've seen this...the slightest variation can be betrayal. They are vigilant about the terms of their (monogamish) agreement."
If you're thinking of having this kind of agreement, Kerner suggests outlining the top principles of what the agreement would be. "I've worked with some couples that approached it like lawyers, with 100-page emails back and forth", he says. "It's really important to agree on some basic principles. Non-monogamy has a wide spectrum. Even couples who agree on non-monogamy don't always agree on the contours of it."
In some cases, one person in the partnership is curious to try being monogamish while their partner is more hesitant and may go along with it since they don't want to lose their S.O. In this situation, it's also essential to outline clear rules and perimeters, and to practice open communication so both people in the relationship feel that their needs are being met. Otherwise, bringing other people into your relationship can erode trust and even cross into cheating territory.
According to Kerner, "Some people go along for the ride if they love their partner. The problem is when the road is unclear and the ride keeps changing, which often happens...."
In most cases, though, Kerner suggests that monogamish couples have the same interest in having this arrangement. He says, "I've worked with couples who had this at the beginning of the relationship and couples who tried to incorporate it somewhere in the middle. My experience is that this works infinitely better when two people are temperamentally suited for it and come into the relationship recognizing that non-monogamy is important to them."
There's a variety of relationships that fall under the "non-monogamy" category, from polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and many other categories in between. It's worth noting that monogamish relationships don't all look the same. Some couples negotiate terms that include "only one night stands" or "when we travel," while others have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Kerner adds, "Non-monogamy can mean so many things...usually it's something that focuses more on the sexual options than the emotional options."
Many monogamish couples believe that being in this agreement allows them to fully express themselves sexually, without lying or cheating. Finding a balance between stability and excitement is the great challenge of long-term love, and these couples often feel that they have found a way to have both.
As our life spans expand, the face of marriage and monogamy will expand too. The important thing is not what we're doing in our relationships but that we're on the same page about what we want the relationship to look like.
Andrea Syrtash is a relationship expert and the author of Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband). Follow her @andreasyrtash.
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