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'Parent universities' help moms, dads connect with teens
Noreen S. Ahmed-Ullah, Chicago Tribune
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Like many parents raising a teenager, Bob Rettger was at wit's end.
He'd criticize his daughter's nonstop texting or the drama surrounding her friends, and there would be an ugly battle. She'd scream. He'd scream. She'd go to her room.
He couldn't figure out how to get through to her.
That was until he sat in on a parenting lecture at Glenbard West High School. The tools he learned that day and in the months that followed changed his relationship with his daughter. First, he learned to stop yelling. Then he worked on getting his point across in 20 words or less. Things began to change.
"Within two weeks the stress in my house, you could feel it come down," says Rettger, 57, of Glen Ellyn, Ill. "Within two months, it was gone. Within four months, I was getting sweet cards from my daughter, thanking me for my efforts."
Many school districts and nonprofit parent groups are holding what they call "parent universities." Structured as seminars and workshops, they're meant to teach parents how to react calmly and effectively, and how to achieve the Holy Grail of parenting: earning your teen's respect.
The lectures also try to open parents' eyes to real-life dangers confronting teens today with topics such as "Parties, Teens and the Law," "Cyber Bullying, Sexting and Social Networking" and "Alcohol and Drug Awareness — What Parents Need to Know."
An all-day school for parents in Naperville, Ill., last month drew nearly 300 parents who paid up to $30 each to take notes on how to set boundaries early on (you should've started when they were toddlers) and which battles to pick (stop trying to make the 9-year-old dress up for church; there are bigger clashes ahead).
Glenbard High School District 87's monthly parent lectures are free, thanks to a $100,000 grant from the Cebrin Goodman Center, a foundation based in Skokie, Ill., that was started by the grandparents of a young woman who died of a heroin overdose. The parenting series brings in nationally renowned psychologists and experts who help parents decipher the mysteries of the adolescent mind.
The idea is twofold: One, that simply telling kids about lurking threats is no longer enough. With teen DUIs and fatal accidents in the news, educators think the message needs to get to parents, too. And secondly, they hope that arming parents with awareness and wisdom can help them stave off potential problems ahead.
"In the past, it was easier to police a child's environment," says Michael Bradley, an adolescent psychologist and author of "When Things get CRAZY With Your Teen — the Why, the How, and the What To Do NOW." "Today, we can't do that. Fighting this war with the lessons of the past one, just doesn't work anymore."
For starters, he says, parents are up against technology. Teens, with their not fully developed brains and impulsive dispositions, are bombarded day and night with popular culture through the Internet and TV. Teens have easy access to danger through the click of a mouse or a quick text message. Many also have the disposable income to follow through.
"You need parents to be trained so they can skillfully move in and become the cognitive control center for their kids so they don't act on high-risk behavior," says the Philadelphia-based Bradley. He adds that the secret is teaching kids why drugs, alcohol and risky sexual activity may be dangerous so they can "defend" themselves.
Teaching parents how to parent is not a new idea. In the Chicago area, the Hinsdale, Glenbard and Naperville school districts were among the first to offer "parent" universities. Back then, topics on substance abuse prevention would draw only a handful of parents. When Naperville Community Unit School District 203 and Indian Prairie School District 204, both K-12 districts in Naperville, broadened the topics to deal with more benign issues such as stress and taming TV usage, they found the numbers doubled.
Claudia Evenson, a director at Rosecrance, an addiction treatment center in Naperville, says parents in communities such as Naperville are often unwilling to see substance abuse as a problem in their homes, which explains the poor turnout initially. But it's out there. In her presentations to parents on "Raising self-sufficient and responsible children," she squeezed in the drugs, alcohol and sex talk.
Speakers such as Evenson and Bradley come with statistics, pointing out that alcohol or marijuana use at younger ages — a growing concern — leads to stronger addictions later. They talk about riskier sexual behavior, especially among young women, which is leading to more cases of sexually transmitted diseases and more incidents of violence against women.
"There's been a shift in our society," Evenson says. "We tend to be more relaxed in our way of parenting. Parents want to be friends with their kids. They have a tendency of thinking, 'not in my house, not in my backyard, not in my neighborhood,' and this is enabling behavior. They have lost their ability to set limits, or they wander and are not consistent. We have to teach them how to be parents again."
Anastasia Goodstein, San Francisco-based author of "Totally Wired: What Teens and Tweens are Really Doing Online," says teens are doing what they've always done — staying connected with friends, exploring their identity — only now they're doing it in chat rooms or on Facebook. And parental blocks and filters don't work. She says most kids have figured out how to get around them by the time they're 12.
Goodstein says the old-fashioned method of talking to your teens.
"Ask them where they hang out online or ask them to help you build a profile," she suggested at a parent lecture last week. "Then, be their guide. Teach them cyber ethics and the public nature of the Internet. Know who their friends are online. Set limits. Tell them when to turn it off, so you limit multitasking when they're studying."
Note to parents: If you don't want your teen texting during dinner, you need to turn that Blackberry off, too.
For those just dealing with the normal tug-of-wars with teens over their clothes, friends and grades, parent experts advise moms and dads to avoid shouting matches and stay calm. Here again, the teen experts say, it's all in the brain. Staying calm allows the adolescents to not feel threatened, thus allowing them to engage with the learning centers of their brain.
Ashley Rettger says she actually goes to her dad for advice now. And her friends are no longer afraid of him.
"Now he sits down and listens," says Ashley, a junior at Glenbard South. "Instead of yelling at me, he tells me how I should handle things differently. I think that parents don't know how to communicate with kids. The more you yell, the further it pushes you away."
Need a few pointers on how to deal with your own kids? Here's advice from Michael Bradley, a popular speaker at many parent universities:
"All kids are nuts to some extent so don't take their craziness personally," he says. Like the dispassionate cop who hands out tickets, stay calm. Losing emotional control means losing respect.
Speak in short, non-repetitious sentences.
Apologize. Bradley says it disables kids' "built-in lecture deflector." If you preach kids won't listen, but they "listen carefully to messages hidden in the robes of your own admissions of failure."
Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.
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