Moms Teaching Teens 40

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I’m Teaching My Sons What A Real Female Body Looks Like
November 9, 2016 Updated November 14, 2016
I may live with a houseful of boys, but they’re still relatively young, so there are no nudie mags stashed between mattresses, no stealthily accessed porn sites that someone forgot to erase out of the internet history, or anything like that — yet.
I’d love to pretend my kids won’t be curious (I mean, if I had my druthers, a sexual thought wouldn’t even cross their minds until they’re like 25), but I’m well aware that won’t be the case. Those things are looming and will probably start happening much sooner than I’d like.
But before all that happens — before they start to notice pictures of boobs that are as round and firm as cantaloupes, and of taut, airbrushed, dimple-less butts — I’m exposing them to a different kind of female body: mine.
Ours is not a modest household. I don’t lounge around in the buff, and I spend more time saying, “Put on some pants!” than anything else. But I’ve never refrained from changing clothes in front of them, leaving the door open when I shower, or nursing my babies without a cover, because I want them to see what a real female body looks like.
If I don’t, and their first images of a naked woman are the impossibly perfect physiques in those magazines or those movies, what kind of expectations will they have as adults? More importantly, what woman could ever live up to them?
I’m dismayed, big-time, by my post-baby body. But for the sake of my boys (and my future daughters-in-law), I lie through my teeth and never let them see that I’m anything less than confident about it. When they ask about my stretch marks, I tell them proudly how growing a baby is hard work and they’re like badges I’ve earned. (Gaming references always hit home with dudes, no matter what you’re explaining.)
As much as I’d like to cringe and shrink away when they touch my squishy belly, I let them squeeze my flab between their fingers. Do I hate it? Yes. I want to say, “Leave my fat alone!” and run tearfully for the nearest oversized T-shirt (or, like, the nearest liposuction clinic).
But I don’t, because for right now, for these few formative years, my flab is their one and only perception of the female body. Right now, it belongs to the woman they admire most. They see nothing imperfect about it, and that’s beautiful.
I tell them how strong my body is, and they see me work out. They see me make healthy food choices but still indulge in my love of baked goods. And though, like most women, I might beat myself up over my jeans getting too tight or groan in frustration at the numbers on the scale, I’m never anything but proud of my body in front of my boys, even when I feel the complete opposite inside.
Instilling a positive body image is not an issue reserved for people with daughters. And for boys, it’s not only making them confident about their own bodies, but letting them know that real is beautiful when it comes to the opposite sex.
I don’t want to do them, or any women they might happen to see naked in the future, the disservice of telling them that saggy boobs are bad or that a little bit of flab is something to be ashamed of. I want them to know that this is the norm — not the nipped, tucked, and digitally enhanced images they’re going to be bombarded with.
Sure, they’ll be distracted by those bouncy boobies and flat stomachs and perky butts, but I have hope that deep down inside, they’ll know that isn’t the standard to which they should hold women’s bodies (like, ever).
There will come a time when I cover up when they’re around. I’m sure at some point I’ll hear, “Ugh, Mom, put some clothes on!” or they’ll learn to knock before barging into the bathroom (which sounds heavenly, I’m not gonna lie).
But until then, I’ll let them run their little fingers along my stretch marks, and grin and bear it when they squeal with delighted laughter at the way my butt jiggles when I walk across the room to grab a towel.
But for now, while they’re young, I want to plant the seed — so that when they’re older and their wives say, “I wish my thighs were smaller,” my sons will say, “They’re perfect just the way they are.”
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PHOTOS: Teen Moms In The Philippines — A "National Emergency" : Goats and Soda Over a 10-year period, 1.2 million Filipina girls between the ages of 10 and 19 have had a child. The government is trying to change things. But the pandemic has made matters worse.
Goats and Soda
STORIES OF LIFE IN A CHANGING WORLD
PHOTOS: Why The Philippines Has So Many Teen Moms
Joan Garcia became pregnant at 14 and gave birth at 15. She and her child travel by raft between the two shacks where they live in Navotas fish port on Manila Bay. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
Joan Garcia became pregnant at 14 and gave birth at 15. She and her child travel by raft between the two shacks where they live in Navotas fish port on Manila Bay.
Editor's note: Hannah Reyes Morales has been photographing teen moms since 2017. Aurora Almendral began reporting this story in October 2019.
At 12 years old, Joan Garcia liked leaping into the sea and racing the boys to the nearest pylon. She liked playing tag. When she started having sex at 13, she thought it was just another game. Joan was skipping across the pavement, playing a game with friends, when an older neighbor noticed her rounding belly.
Her daughter, Angela, is now a year old. Joan crouched on the floor, folding up her lanky teenage limbs and fed Angela fingers-full of steamed rice, crimped strands of instant noodles and fermented anchovies from the family's small communal bowl.
Sisters Joan (center) and Jossa Garcia (left), both teen mothers, hang out in a boat with their children and their younger sister. Each year, 1.2 million Filipina girls between the ages of 10 and 19 have a child. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
Sisters Joan (center) and Jossa Garcia (left), both teen mothers, hang out in a boat with their children and their younger sister. Each year, 1.2 million Filipina girls between the ages of 10 and 19 have a child.
Joan, now 16 years old, said that since she became a mother, she's embarrassed to play kids' games, then paused for a moment. "Sometimes I still play tag in the water with my brothers," she admitted.
Over a 10-year period, 1.2 million Filipina girls between the ages of 10 and 19 have had a child. That's a rate of 24 babies per hour.
And the rate of teenage pregnancy is rising. According to the most recent data, collected every 10 years, in 2002, 6.3 percent of teenagers were pregnant; by 2013 it had gone up to 13.6 percent.
Last August, the Philippines' economic development agency declared the number of teenage pregnancies a "national social emergency."
Joan Garcia (right) and her baby take a boat ride home. Garcia says she's embarrassed to play kids' games now that she's a mother — but admits "sometimes I still play tag in the water with my brothers." Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
The pandemic has made the situation worse. With Manila under a strict lockdown — including limited access to medical facilities, no public transportation and harshly enforced rules on not going out — access to birth control has been severely curtailed, particularly for teenagers, said Hope Basiao-Abella, adolescent reproductive health project coordinator for Likhaan, a nongovernmental organization that works on women's health and access to contraception.
The University of the Philippines Population Institute is predicting a baby boom in 2021 — an estimated 751,000 additional unplanned pregnancies because of the conditions created by the pandemic.
The main reasons for the high rate of teenage pregnancies are inadequate sex education (some girls do not know that having sex can result in pregnancy or fully consider the responsibility of having children) and a lack of access to birth control.
Contraceptive access has long been a complicated, divisive issue in the Philippines. Despite a constitutional separation of church and state, Catholic morals dominate Philippine law. For more than a decade, reproductive health activists and legislators fought a bitter battle with the Catholic Church and conservative politicians to pass a law that would allow the government to distribute contraceptives to those who could not afford them and require comprehensive sex education in public schools.
Outside the Quiapo Church in Manila, some vendors sell herbs, roots and bottled pills used to induce abortion — which is illegal in all circumstances in the majority-Catholic country. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
The Philippine Catholic church has long opposed birth control in the country where about 80% of people are Catholics. In the past, the Catholic Bishops Council of the Philippines preached — in public statements, on the pulpit and through allied lawmakers — against a bill to widen access to birth control on moral grounds, calling it "anti-life" and "a major attack on authentic human values and on Filipino cultural values."
The Philippines passed a reproductive health bill into law in 2012. But years of Supreme Court challenges and delays in implementation continue to this day. Among the concessions to conservatives was a provision requiring parental consent for minors to buy contraceptives or receive them for free.
The Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital serves low-income communities in Manila, where the rates of teen pregnancy are high. Locals call it the "baby factory" — and the maternity ward is typically very busy. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
The Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital serves low-income communities in Manila, where the rates of teen pregnancy are high. Locals call it the "baby factory" — and the maternity ward is typically very busy.
"It was one step back [for] adolescent health," said Dr. Juan Perez III, executive director for the Philippine Commission on Population and Development. The law improved access to birth control for women, but it became harder for teenagers to get birth control.
To address the resulting uptick in adolescent pregnancies, lawmakers have introduced bills improving access to contraception, supporting sex education and making it illegal to expel girls from school should they become pregnant. None have become law so far.
Perez said a teenage pregnancy has a significant impact on perpetuating poverty. "They cannot recover from being a child mother," he said.
That was the finding of a 2016 study by the United Nations Population Fund. By age 20, a teenage girl in the Philippines who gets pregnant and drops out of school earns 87 percent of the average 20-year-old woman's pay. Perez said the lower income continues further into adulthood.
Joan lives with 16 relatives on a small raft of bamboo poles and scavenged wood, tied to a broken cement pylon, bobbing behind a row of steel shipping vessels docked in Manila's fish port — a patchwork of spaces no larger than two king-size mattresses. Two of her sisters' babies and a kitten nap on a pile of rumpled sheets against a particle board barrier to keep them from falling into the murky, gray water.
Sisters Joan (left) and Jossa Garcia (right), both teen mothers, are seen in their home in the Navotas fish port with their children, Angela and JM, respectively. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
Sisters Joan (left) and Jossa Garcia (right), both teen mothers, are seen in their home in the Navotas fish port with their children, Angela and JM, respectively.
Like Joan, her older sisters had babies when they were young and left school before they graduated. No woman close to her has ever had a good job. Her mother occasionally finds a day of work cleaning mussels on the concrete floor of the fish port. Her father brings in some money doing odd jobs at the port. The family is often hungry and thirsty, and survives by begging sailors for food and water.
Joan can't imagine a different kind of life.
Yet the current government wants to see changes. "We made a decision in this country that population is a problem," said Perez. The government now believes that the country's birthrate of 2.92 births per woman — among the highest in Asia — is holding back economic development. So after decades of policies that limited access to contraception informed by a Catholic ethos to procreate, government agencies are now acting with a new urgency to bring the birthrate down.
If households have fewer children, Perez said, it will improve the family members' chances of getting out of the mire of poverty.
Yet the reproductive health laws in the Philippines — aimed at stemming population growth — are yet to have that impact. And the people who suffer are the urban poor. Sen. Risa Hontiveros knows the limits of the laws, the complexity of the issue and the danger of losing hope.
The work of improving access to birth control, Hontiveros said, "were passed on to us by those who came before us, they struggled, and they fought. They won some, and they lost probably more, but they passed on to us better situations that they started out with."
"So the least we can do — the least I can do — is to keep fighting."
Joy Villanueva dropped out of high school when she got pregnant at 14, in seventh grade. Her boyfriend, four years older, wooed her with afternoons out, buying her fried quail eggs on a stick and paying for rounds on the karaoke machine at a local hangout.
Joy Villanueva, 15, holds her baby. The slums where her family lived had burned down; they hope to build a new shack to replace the home they lost. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
Joy Villanueva, 15, holds her baby. The slums where her family lived had burned down; they hope to build a new shack to replace the home they lost.
He was tall and handsome, and she liked that he did chores around the house and washed the dishes for his mother. Soon she was living with him. "He really wanted a baby," Joy said, "so no one else would court me."
For her boyfriend, getting Joy pregnant was a mark of ownership. Joy resisted, but he persuaded her to have sex. By the time she gave birth, he was in jail for theft, and she was raising the baby with help from his mother. The day we met, the three of them were living together in a makeshift home of little more than a tarp supported by planks of wood — they had set it up after their slum had burned down a week before.
At 15, Joy dreamed of finishing high school, going to college and becoming a police officer. That was what her late father wanted for her when she was a little girl. She said that any day now, she'll move in with her mother, who will take care of the baby while she goes to class.
Joy Villanueva said she hopes to fulfill her father's dream for her and becoming a police officer — but later admitted that's an impossible dream for a poor teenage mom. Hannah Reyes Morales for NPR hide caption
Joy Villanueva said she hopes to fulfill her father's dream for her and becoming a police officer — but later admitted that's an impossible dream for a poor teenage mom.
If Joy is able to complete her schooling, she said she wants to own a big house made of concrete with air conditioning and glass windows. She wants to have a nanny to take care of her kids so she can wake up every morning, check her uniform in the mirror and go to work.
For 20 minutes, she told me about her plans for the future. But when I said a word of encouragement, Joy went silent, looked away and shook her head. Hindi na, she said. I can't anymore. It was a game of pretend. She shifted Ashley in her arms. At age 15, no more than 4 1/2-feet-tall, she is just old enough to know what can no longer be real for her.
Joy confessed that her mother has disowned her. So she can't go to live with her. Her husband's mother earns just enough to feed her and the baby. There's no money for notebooks or uniforms or college. They're trying to gather enough materials to build a shack so they don't have to continue living under a tarp.
Girls like Joy are classified among the poor, a vast category that encompasses 20 percent of Filipinos. Among teenage mothers of all income brackets, the poorest girls are the least likely to be able to finish their high school education after having their first child.
"It's only difficult," Joy said about motherhood. "There's no happiness." Maybe next month, she said, she'll get birth control implants.
Sisters Rose Ann, age 15, (right) and Ros Jane, age 17, hold their babies in the neighborhood where they live in Manila.
The girls are very close and rely on each other for support, raising their children as if they're siblings. Ros Jane is protective of her younger sister and worries she is not mature enough to take on the responsibilities of parenthood.
Sisters and teen moms Rose Ann (center) and Ros Jane (left) are seen in the canteen where their mother works as a cook in Manila. Ros Jane had just asked her mother for money to buy medicine for her son.
Ros Jane and her son in the room she shares with her sister and her child. While their situation is bleak, the sisters support each other, creating an ad-hoc safety net to face the challenges of teen motherhood.
Rose Ann in her mother's home with her baby. She gave birth a few days after turning 15.
Rose Ann, who has a young son, hangs out outside her home.
Ros Jane walks with her child by the railway near her home in Manila. She became pregnant at age 16.
Likhaan's clinic is a mile and a half down the road from where Joy lives. The organization advocates for reproductive health and fills the gap in services the government does not provide, like formal sex education, ready access to free contraception like IUDs and birth control implants.
Diane Vere, a community coordinator, leads workshops for teenagers from the surrounding slums. The topic is sex.
Inevitably, when Vere turns to the page in the photo workbook that shows an array of penis sizes and shapes, the teenagers break into peals of laughter. They cover their eyes and hide behind one another. Vere fields their questions: Why are some bigger than others? Why is that one crooked?
She shows them an uncircumcised penis and tries to dispel the myth that a boy in this condition is dirty or incapable of impregnating women.
Before the reproductive health law, there was no formal sex education in the Philippines, and to this day, the rollout remains patchy, fraught and very limited. Teenagers cobble together information based on what t
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Moms Teaching Teens 40