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My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
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Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 07.50 GMT
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become over sexualised and inappropriate . This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it . He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together) . He goes to an all - boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether . I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist ( childpsychotherapy.org.uk ) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject .
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
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WARNING - DISTRESSING CONTENT: The 50-year-old who cannot be named was told at Gloucester Crown Court she had 'breached her obligation as a mother'
A mum who claimed she had sexual relations with her 15-year-old son because he seduced her has avoided jail.
The 50-year-old woman, who cannot be named, was told by a judge she had "clearly breached her obligation as a mother" as she was handed the suspended sentence.
Gloucester Crown Court heard how the woman went along with the teenager's demands out of motherly love as she pleaded guilty to three charges of sexual activity with the boy.
Her sentencing hearing was told the sordid details of the crime, in which she spanked the boy with a paddle and dressed up in knickers, bra and boots as he wanted.
"He would wear a t-shirt, nothing else," prosecutor Stephen Dent said. "This happened more than once, but less than six times."
The boy later told police he 'got pleasure from those activities'.
Simon Burch, representing the woman, said her child has 'instigated' the sexual offending.
"She had no enthusiasm for the conduct and was ashamed and contrite," he added.
"She is vulnerable for a number of reasons. She is easily manipulated.
"In her previous, abusive, relationship, she was subject to physical violence and made to engage in sexual acts she did not want to."
Referring to 'plaguing persevering messages' from her son, Mr Burch said: "Not once had any of the ideas come from her. Not once did she encourage him."
Mr Burch added that the woman had 'not one iota of enthusiasm,' for the sexual relationship with her son.
There was merely 'reluctant acquiescence,' on her part, he said.
"This was a mother struggling to bring up her son in an appropriate way and control him," he added.
She was someone who was 'bedevilled and plagued' by the boy's demands and she capitulated, he said.
"She should not be regarded as predatory," Mr Burch argued.
Imposing a sixteen month jail term suspended for two years, Judge Ian Lawrie QC told the woman: "You've pleaded guilty to three offences of sexual activity with a child family member, that is your son.
"You spanked the naked buttocks of your son with a paddle.                       
"Whatever the prompt or dynamic, it is ultimately that you had a responsibility to your son.
"He was vulnerable. At age of 16 he was difficult. Threatening in his behaviour.
"There was persistence by him, and on one view pressure from him, to indulge in those sexual acts.
"That does not excuse, and can never excuse, that you failed as a mother to observe as a mother the appropriate boundaries.
"There is a greater need for you to exercise discipline and restraint. Not to acquiesce," the judge told the woman.
"You have breached the obligation of a mother. Not just on one occasion, but a variety of occasions.
"But there is no prior sexual deviancy and a significant level of remorse."
The court heard the woman had no previous convictions or cautions recorded against her.
The judge added "Your appearance here will be hugely humiliating and embarrassing for you. On one level so be it, on another it is a harm that should be acknowledged."
Alongside the suspended jail term, the judge ordered the woman to sign the sex offenders' register for ten years, and required her to attend 40 rehabilitation sessions.
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https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/05/my-sons-behaviour-towards-his-sister-and-me-is-inappropriate
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-who-sexual-relations-persistent-13723101
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