Mommy Stepson

Mommy Stepson
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A woman, married eight years is fighting with her husband because’s asked her to stop wearing bikinis around her 14-year-old stepson, who she’s raised since he was six. In a post to Reddit , she shares that her husband is from “a Muslim Arab country” and that he left the religion 15 years ago. She says he justifies asking her to show less skin by explaining that in his culture, you should “dress modestly around non family members.”
Shades of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?"
The wife says she was “very offended” by this because she considers the teen her son. And since her stepson hit puberty, her husband has been commenting on her clothes but things really blew up after the bikini talk. He told her that her two-piece swimsuits are “inappropriate” and she replied that he’s the one being “inappropriate and weird.” They fought, he left and now he’s furious with her for not respecting “his culture and religion.”

Kids upset by Mom’s sexual relationship with ‘stepson’
Kids upset by Mom’s sexual relationship with ‘stepson’
Amy Dickinson
| Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: My significant other (we were never officially married) died six months ago from a long-term illness.
In our 25 years together, we had a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. During that time, my SO also had an illegitimate son. That son is also 21, and is just a few months older than the son he and I had together.
I didn’t even meet this son until he was 15 years old.
After my significant other’s death, his son, “Seth,” began living with me and my son.
About a month ago I developed a sexual relationship with Seth.
My children have now disowned me, calling the relationship disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate.
The way I see it, other than the age gap of 25 years, we are both single, both adults, and we are not related, I didn’t raise him, I didn’t even meet him until he was 15 years old, and I was never actually married to his dad – therefore I was never an actual stepmom.
Do you think my children are correct in their perception of this relationship, and if so, for what reasons?
Dear Not: Your children perceive that your choice to engage in a sexual relationship with their half-brother a mere five months after their father’s death is disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate.
That more or less sums things up for me, too.
Beneficiary wants to avoid ‘Lifetime’ role
My parents won’t visit me and my family
You have crossed a number of taboos and boundaries and are now splitting hairs: (“we weren’t officially married, I barely knew this kid,” etc.). But this young man is biologically related to your children. He moved into your home as a family member. What happened next is pretty icky.
“Hey,” you may tell yourself, “Woody Allen did almost this same exact thing, and look at how things turned out for him?!”
Dear Amy: My significant other and I have been together for almost 15 years (we met when I was 17 and he 21).
At the onset of our relationship, I was 100% anti-marriage and children. My SO felt similarly.
Now that all of these years have passed, our views have changed. We both had health issues, and now we see marriage as both a commitment to each other, but also a necessity for decision-making when the other isn’t capable.
OK – now to put all of that seriousness behind us, I have a selfish question.
If we marry, can we register for gifts? We’re still living in an apartment, saving for a down payment, and really don’t have a lot. Would creating a registry be in poor taste?
Dear Wondering: Hooray on your choice to get married. Marriage is about many of the things you’ve already experienced; it’s an expression of the power of commitment, as well as the official making of a family with another person.
Do not confuse marriage with a wedding.
I don’t think it’s in poor taste for you to register for gifts, but … some of your guests might. Presumably they are aware of your 100% anti-marriage stance. They know you’ve been living together for a long time.
You don’t say how you are going to finance a wedding, but I hope you don’t dip into your savings. The money spent on an elaborate celebration could be put toward the sorts of things you would be registering for.
Perhaps you two could host a fun, DIY wedding. Friends and family members could help you to pull it together.
And go ahead and register. You should not advertise your registry on the invitation, but if people inquire, you could point them toward your wish list.
Dear Amy: “Sick at Heart” witnessed a child screaming at a bus stop. The child’s mother was holding onto his shirt and yelling at him. The child’s mother said he would run away if she didn’t hold him back.
I cannot believe you advised this busybody to attempt to speak to the child.
You speak to my child without my permission, and it’s the last thing you’ll do.
Dear Furious: “Sick at Heart” had already heard the mother say that if she didn’t restrain the child, he would run. In my response, I suggested that Sick should start by addressing the parent directly: “Wow, this is rough. Can I help?”
I suggested that they then could try to disrupt the action by attempting to speak to the child.
Any good parent should understand that when things are out of control, other concerned adults might try to intervene.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.

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Published July 17, 2007 10:04AM (EDT)

Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Coupling
Family
Since You Asked

I'm a 35-year old stepmom and mother of a 5-year-old daughter. I find myself attracted to my 17-year-old stepson and, more worrisome, I think he is attracted to me. He lives with his father and me half the time and with his mother the other half. I've been in his life since he was 9 and his brother was 7, and we're pretty much a blended-family success story. Everyone gets along, my stepsons are both great kids, and my daughter worships her brothers. My husband and I love each other and are good partners in working as a team, taking care of the kids, home, work, extended family, etc., though "marital relations" are close to nonexistent, due partly to the usual stress and partly to my husband's low libido.
The kid I used to know has grown into a charming and attractive young man who looks even older than his age. He's tall, dark and handsome.
I'm sure I can't be the only stepparent, male or female, who must try to quell feelings of attraction to an attractive teen stepchild. I mean, we're human. I wasn't worried about suppressing my own previously fleeting feelings of this nature until recently, when we seem to be catching each other's eyes more, and he seems to be making efforts to be around me more than he needs to, bringing up casual topics of conversation, just so we can spend more time talking. I find myself wanting to do that too, and thinking of him when I shut my eyes at night.
Not good! I know I'll never make a move on him. But I'm kind of trying to prepare myself, both my thinking side and the depraved side that hopes for such a thing to happen, for the time when he may approach me when we are (thankfully rarely) alone. How will I respond in a way that acknowledges and expresses appreciation for his feelings (and even mine), preserves our relationship, and crosses no lines of no return?
This is probably a no-brainer, advice-wise. I guess I also wouldn't mind some reassurance that I'm not that depraved, and how to reconcile my feelings in a somewhat holistic way. As Woody Allen, famed movie director and stepchild-marrier said, "The heart wants what it wants." On the other hand, I consider him a creepy perv.
There are times when it is more important to be clear and definite than it is to be appreciative of feelings. This is one of those times. You and he may be having all sorts of feelings. But your job is to maintain clarity and boundaries. To that end, I do not think it is a good idea for you to try to discuss with your stepson any possible sexual attraction between you.
If you are getting off on the way he looks at you then that is a private matter for you. And if he indeed is sexually attracted to you, that is his business. Most likely he is not sexually attracted to you. Most likely what you are responding to is his sexual attractiveness itself. He may also have learned recently how to make women respond to him by acting in a seductive or flirtatious way, and he may be trying out that behavior in all sorts of arenas. But even if he were attracted to you in that way, you are a role model, mentor and authority figure to your stepson. You are a guide, teacher and example. You are a source of support and comfort. That is the role you need to play for your stepson.
He does not need to learn from you the power of his youthful sexual allure.
Instead, analyze why he has been wanting to spend more time with you lately. It may be that he needs more of what you offer as a stepmother -- more support, more encouragement, more clarity about his choices in the world.
There are several reasons why his approaches to you may feel sexual. It may be that he is learning to use his seductiveness as persuasion and power. It is also possible that he is using interaction with you to learn about how to interact with adult women. That is perfectly normal. To that end he may try out various behaviors on you, flirtatious behaviors that have gotten a certain reaction from girls his own age.
The most productive work you can do, in my opinion, involves bringing greater vitality to the roles you are playing as a woman in your family. Try to strengthen and clarify these roles so that you can strengthen the boundaries between them. To move from the relatively concrete to the more visionary, perhaps you can consider these roles as archetypes, and see how those archetypes are being thwarted or challenged. An obvious example is the sexual stalemate in your marriage, but there may be other examples as well of how your archetypal energy is being stymied or distorted. I suggest you look into doing some depth work with a therapist to discover and define the deeper wellsprings of energy and passion that are with you day to day so that you can more clearly see what it is that you want and need from others in this world -- and also what you have to offer.
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