Mommy Issues

Mommy Issues
What's the Psychology Behind Mommy Issues?

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Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

"Mommy issues" is a term used to describe the issues females face later in life due to the relationship they had with their mothers as a child. When referring to males, having mommy issues can mean being too close to their mother or seeking a partner who is like their mother, often comparing the two.

While these challenges can manifest differently in males and females, they're no less real. If the mother was unkind or continuously critiqued the child's appearance, for instance, it can compromise the child's self-worth for years to come.

Although mommy issues isn't an actual clinical term, the concepts behind it can often be explained with psychological theories. This is partially because the role of a mother is still widely considered to be the most important, especially in early childhood. 1

The idea of daddy issues is thrown around pretty frequently. However, the notion that someone may experience mommy issues can be just as prevalent as these issues can pop up for anyone who had a toxic, estranged, or even overly-doting relationship with their mother or mother figure.

Just as the concept of daddy issues is more notable in male children, mommy issues are more prevalent in female children. Sigmund Freud would argue that this is because of the Oedipus and Electra complexes, which he described in his psychosexual stages of development :

That's right, the entire idea is that kids view their same-sex parent as competition. Freud theorized that this concept arises between the ages of three and five, and that if it continues, it can lead to the child having issues in their romantic relationships as they grow older.

Freud initially researched this in regard to male children, however, the larger concepts aren't gendered and actually led to the formation of the attachment theory . This theory came from John Bowlby, who figured out that attachment styles formed in early childhood can dictate the nature of a person's relationships in the future. Many times, people who had issues with their mothers develop an insecure attachment style .

The following are three types of insecure attachment styles:

The way that mothers treat their children was found to directly correlate with the way their mothers treated them. For example, one study found 2 that mothers who felt that they were accepted and supported by their own mothers as kids went on to have balanced relationships with their own children. They were more sensitive to their child's needs and less intrusive.

That same study found that mothers who remembered being accepted by their moms formed secure attachments with their own children and in other relationships later in life.

Alternatively, mothers who remembered feeling overprotected and constantly entangled with their own mothers went on to form insecure or avoidant attachments with their own children. The same goes for moms who were dismissive or overly critical of their children.

Intergenerational mother-daughter relationships have been found 3 to have a huge impact on the child's future in regard to their parenting and relationship styles. Basically, this is a cycle that can easily continue if you don't recognize and take action against it.

In a study 4 that surveyed college students, attachment styles were predicted by paternal care and low scores of maternal overprotection. This demonstrates the importance of letting your child have autonomy over their decisions, all while offering support and guidance, of course.

Coming as a surprise to no one, "mommy issues" is typically used in a negative or even insulting way.

For men, it can often be associated with the term "mama's boy," which is basically saying that someone is too close to their mother. This can happen when moms are super servile and instill in men a sense that this is how women should behave.

It can lead to men having expectations of such behavior in romantic relationships, and even seeking out female partners who check this box. It can also lead to them mentally pitting their romantic partners' attributes against their mother's.

This term manifests completely differently for women. If a female child has mommy issues, it's more typically referencing that a mother nitpicked or verbally put down their daughter. This can lead to self-confidence and self-image issues later in life. It can also lead to trust issues since the person that you trusted for your primary care let you down in this way.

This will depend largely on your ability to set up boundaries , and your mother's abilities to abide by them.

If the relationship is causing you stress, take steps back and evaluate why this is: Is your mom trying to involve herself in your life too heavily again? Is she offering constant input on your decisions?

If these things are happening, talk to your mom about it and let her know that you won't be welcoming this kind of interaction. If she can take these notes, then the relationship is probably worth maintaining. If not, you may need to take a step back for a while before giving her another chance.

In a study 5 that looked at parents who were abused as children, parents that broke the cycle had a few things in common. These commonalities demonstrate how people have overcome mommy issues in their pasts.

Mommy issues can have lasting impacts that seriously hurt. It's totally understandable if it takes you a significant amount of time to overcome the mental strife that you were put through as a child or adolescent. Be patient with yourself and work through these issues so that you can stop the cycle of unhealthy relationships in your family.

Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values . J Marriage Fam . 2015;77(4):908–920. doi:10.1111%2Fjomf.12207
Kretchmar Ph.D MD, Jacobvitz Ph.D. DB. Observing Mother-Child Relationships Across Generations: Boundary Patterns, Attachment, and the Transmission of Caregiving* . Department of Human Ecology, Division of Human Development and Family Studies . 2004. doi:10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.41306.x
Maor Kalfon Hakhmigari, Yoav Peled, Haim Krissi, Sigal Levy, Maayan Molmen-Lichter, Jonathan E. Handelzalts, Anxious Attachment Mediates the Associations Between Early Recollections of Mother's Own Parental Bonding and Mother–Infant Bonding: A 2-Month Path Analysis Mode , Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2021 doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2021.682161
Matsuoka N, Uji M, Hiramura H, Chen Z, Shikai N, Kishida Y, Kitamura T. Adolescents’ attachment style and early experiences: a gender difference . Arch Womens Ment Health . 2005;9(1):9-23. doi:/10.1007/s00737-005-0105-9

By Brittany Loggins

Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

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10 Signs of Mommy Issues in Women and How to Fix Them

By
Jenni Jacobsen
, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40211-017-0258-6 https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html#:~:text=Bowlby's%20evolutionary%20theory%20of%20attachment,This%20is%20called%20monotropy. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00296/full https://www.researchgate.net/publication/267635549_An_Application_of_Bowen_Family_Systems_Theory

Jenni Jacobsen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness.
Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.

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You’ve probably heard someone describe a man as having “mommy issues” if he is immature and relies upon a female partner to care for him, but mommy issues in women are also possible.
The psychology of mommy issues can help you understand what this means and how you can overcome these issues if you’re experiencing them.
Here, learn answers to the question, “Do I have mommy issues?” so you can begin to solve problems related to your relationship with your mother.
The term “mommy issues” often refers to a situation in which a person has a strained relationship with their mother, to the point that the strained relationship affects other important relationships, such as those with a significant other.
Frequently, different types of mommy issues result from deep-seated childhood problems, such as extreme conflict, emotional distance, or abuse from a mother. When these problems go unresolved, they continue to affect a person as an adult, leading to the appearance of mommy issues in women.
If you feel that you might be experiencing signs of mommy issues, you probably want some sort of confirmation that your suspicions are true. The symptoms below can be signs of mommy issues in females.
Mommy issues in relationships can show up in the form of neediness. If your mother was emotionally distant and did not meet your needs for care and affection, you are likely to cling to your partner to provide this nurturance to you.
We learn a lot about relationships from our parents. If your mom was emotionally cold, you might also struggle to show affection to your partner because you were never given a good example of it.
This can lead to problems with intimacy in adult relationships and lower quality of relationships if you are experiencing the signs of mommy issues in women.
Just as girls with mommy issues may struggle with affection, they may become emotionally detached in relationships. Because they struggle with their mother, they are afraid to get too close to their intimate partners.
Another one of the mommy issues symptoms is excessive caretaking for other people. This can come from having a mother who was overbearing and never allowed you the freedom to be yourself or make your own decisions.
She may have been overprotective and solved every problem for you, which can lead you to take on a caretaker role and sacrifice your own needs in your adult relationships.
Even if you can’t quite put your finger on the exact problems between you and your mom, if your relationship is strained, there are probably some underlying mommy issues.
Unresolved problems from childhood tend to keep cropping up in adulthood, so tension with your mom suggests there are some mommy issues still going on.
In some cases, mommy issues mean that your mother was incredibly critical of you growing up.
Maybe she criticized your appearance, or perhaps nothing you did was ever good enough for her. This can lead you to feel highly insecure as an adult because if you can’t please your mother, how can you please anyone?
If you lacked love and affection from your mother, you might try to do everything you can to get affection elsewhere. This can mean excessive people-pleasing behaviors.
How do you know if you have mommy issues? You may go out of your way to make other people happy by doting on them, buying expensive gifts, or doing favors for them, even if you aren’t getting the same level of care in return.
Mommy issues in women can sometimes manifest in the form of controlling behavior toward others.
When your own mother is controlling, you may learn that it is acceptable to control others. This can cause you to be rigid in your relationships, expecting people to behave a certain way. You can become upset and try to control other people when they don’t meet your expectations.
Mommy issues signs in females include an overly critical personality. If you have mommy issues as a woman, your mom was likely overly critical of you.
Since we learn by watching our parents, you, too, may become overly critical toward other people. This can mean that you perceive slight flaws as disastrous, and you may become angry with people for minor mistakes or imperfections.
While we often think of mommy issues in women as coming from an emotionally cold or neglectful mother, sometimes mommy issues come from having a mother who was overly protective and overindulged us. This can lead you, as an adult, to struggle with independence.
You may rely on other people to make decisions for you or handle your responsibilities.
Now that you have a better idea of the answer to, “What does mommy issues mean for a girl?” you may be wondering about the psychology behind mommy issues in women.
Much of what we know about mommy issues comes from Bowlby’s attachment theory , which says humans are innately wired to seek connection or attachment with their caregivers.
When young children form healthy attachments with their caregivers, they learn to rely on others to meet their needs.
On the other hand, when children learn that adult caregivers will not respond in times of need, they do not develop healthy attachments. This can lead people to become anxiously attached, meaning they worry about their needs not being met.
When someone has an anxious attachment style , they may become overly clingy and depend upon their partners.
Based upon what is known about attachment theory, if your mother was emotionally distant or abusive, you may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style .
You would worry about people being available to you or decide that you cannot trust them to be available. You may avoid emotional closeness to protect yourself. This is why the signs of mommy issues in females include detachment and difficulty with affection.
According to psychological concepts from Bowen’s Family Systems Theory , people who have a high differentiation of self can remain part of the family but still function as autonomous individuals and make their own decisions.
On the other hand, people who have low differentiation of self cannot distinguish themselves as being separate from their families.
In a household where a mother is overprotective and overbearing, a child may develop low differentiation of self. This can lead the person to have trouble differentiating themselves from their partners in adult relationships, which is why mommy issues in women can lead to neediness, people-pleasing, and caretaking behavior in relationships.
Based upon what is known about mommy issues, you can expect some significant side effects if you’re a woman living with these issues. Since mommy issues tend to follow us into adulthood, they can negatively affect our relationships and wellbeing.
If you have mommy issues symptoms, you may experience the following side effects:
Given the side effects and problems that come with them, it is important to learn how to deal with mommy issues. If you’re experiencing difficulty with relationships, it’s probably time to explore some solutions to your mommy issues.
The following fixes may be beneficial:
The first step toward solving mommy issues is to become aware of the problem. The fact that you’re reading this article probably indicates that you realize there is a problem.
If you’ve confirmed that you have mommy issues, now is the time to further increase your awareness by thinking about what led to these issues. Was your mother extremely critical? Did it seem as if there was a wall between the two of you because she was emotionally distant?
It’s time to dig deep and determine where the mommy issues come from.
Seeking out supportive relationships with other people can help you develop self-confidence to overcome mommy issues.
Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family members who encourage you and make you feel your best. Cultivating healthy relationships can go a long way when trying to overcome childhood issues.
If you’re experiencing signs of mommy issues, likely, there is still tension between you and your mother today. This means that you may have to learn how to set healthy boundaries with her.
If your mother was always overly involved in your life, such as making career decisions or assuming responsibility for your finances, now is the time to break free.
You have a right to stand up for yourself and tell her that you’ll be making your own decisions. You also have a right to turn down advice or ask for space.
Once you’ve identified mommy issues and determined that you want to move past them, you have to make an intentional effort to change your behavior.
Once you’re aware of the signs of mommy issues in women, you can look out for behaviors associated with them and put forth the effort to change those behaviors.
For instance, if you judge others harshly, you can acknowledge that this stems from mommy issues and decide to be more forgiving.
It may be challenging to learn this, but sometimes
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