Mommy Bully

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Mommy Bully
7 Ways to Deal With Moms That Bully Other Mothers

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Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. She's also a contributor to SleepCare.com and the former editor of Columbia Parent, with countless years of experience writing and researching health and social issues.
Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Everyone knows at least one: The mean mom. The monster trolling playgrounds, school hallways, soccer games, and even the online community group; and she is making everyone's life miserable. She's THAT MOM who feels it is fine to openly exclude others and then post the pictures online, to spread rumors , and to stab others in the back.


She blasts people on her Facebook page, gossips about her neighbors, and makes thinly-veiled remarks about other moms that do not live up to her standards. She may even criticize another mom right to her face, reprimanding her for everything from breastfeeding to volunteering.


Regardless of her methods, or her message, there is no doubt that she exists. And she's mean. Although the bullying tactics used may vary from one mom to another, these adult mean girls have always been around. What's more, the rise of social media, online discussions, and community groups have given them new outlets and new weapons. As a result, to the women targeted by these vicious moms, it feels like a growing problem—one that they cannot seem to escape.


Adult women who bully others do so for the same reasons that teens bully others. They want power, especially social power. And they often use relational aggression as their weapon of choice. This covert type of bullying is both subtle and hurtful. And it's effective.

When bullies use their relationships to create social drama , they are preying on the very nature of female connections.

This power makes them feel strong and in control. They determine who is in and who is out. Meanwhile, the victims are left wondering what just happened.


Some mean moms are motived by jealousy and envy . They turn green every time someone else's child gets an award or recognition that their child didn't. Or, they covet the relationship another parent has with a principal, teacher, or coach. This jealousy then leads them to try to bring the other mom down. Her goal is to take away or diminish what the other mom has.


In general, a mean mom has a very hard time being happy for someone else's success. And if you happen to be "friends" with a mean mom, you need to realize right away that this is not a healthy friendship . Instead, it is more likely that this friendship is a toxic relationship with a fake friend .


When you are on the receiving end of a mean mom's attacks, it is easy to start doubting yourself. Your self-esteem may suffer; and you may feel alone, isolated, and embarrassed. These consequences are especially painful if you once considered the bully a friend. But you owe it to yourself, and to your kids, to stand up to the bullying . Even though doing so is not always easy, it can be done. Here are some ways to deal with the mean moms you encounter.


You are not the one with the problem. She is. So, stop blaming yourself for being bullied . Most likely, her bullying comes from a place of insecurity. There is something wonderful or unique about you that has her running scared and feeling insecure. Maybe she feels threatened by you or your child in some way. Maybe she is jealous of your success, your house, or your marriage. Who knows?


The key is not to take her bullying to heart. There is nothing wrong with you. Don't waste your time trying to figure out what you need to change or how to make her like you. Also, remember that you are probably not the only one she is picking on. And not everyone believes her lies.


If at all possible, do not argue with a mean mom. Getting emotional, upset, or even angry only makes the bullying worse, especially if the bullying is online. Bullies tend to feel empowered in cyberspace because they can hide behind a keyboard. Engaging with them only fuels the fire, and they often spew out even more hatred and cruel remarks. Instead, stand strong against her bullying.


Remember, she may make the choice to bully, but you have a choice in how you respond to her. When you remain calm in the face of bullying, you are taking away her power. Conversely, if you allow her to get under your skin, she will feel more powerful and in control as a result. And, she will likely keep targeting you because it is working for her. Bullies want to get a reaction. Be sure you refuse to give her one.


Meet with the mean mom privately and let her know that you're not going to put up with her insults. Tell her that you're on to her. You know exactly what she is doing and you won't stand for it. Be assertive , but also be respectful. You need to set some boundaries with her, but you should be polite in doing so. 


And if she threatens to turn other moms against you, don't worry about it. If these other women are willing to side with her mean behavior do you really want them in your life anyway?

The important thing is that you're defending yourself against her attacks.

Be prepared for her to respond negatively. She may just roll her eyes at you and deflect responsibility for the bullying. At the very least, it might make her question whether or not it's worth it to attack you. It also shows her that you won't willingly take her backbiting, snarky remarks, and name-calling. Regardless of her response, stick to your guns and call her out for being mean. Bullies count on victims remaining silent. Disappoint her by speaking up.


Sometimes it is just easier to ignore a mean mom's pettiness. If you try to engage with her over every mean thing she does, you will become exhausted. What's more, you could spend more time trying to call her out for her mean actions than you do on things that really matter.


As a result, make sure a situation is worth the effort before you step in. Many times, when moms who bully are left to their own devices, they self-destruct. Eventually, people will see through a mean mom's conniving and manipulating; and she will have less impact over time. So be patient. The end of her rule may be closer than you think.


Bullies pick on others because it works for them. Consequently, it is very hard to get a bully to change , especially once they are adults. Instead of trying to get a mean mom to see the error of her ways, focus on things you would like to change in yourself. For instance, do you need to develop assertiveness or polish your social skills ? If so, focus on that instead.


Remember, for a bully to change, she has to be able to recognize that what she did is wrong and hurtful. Unfortunately, most bullies feel entitled to treat others the way that they do. What's more, they are often lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence. They are not able to see the impact their words and actions have on others. It is much better for you to focus on things you have control over than it is to try to get her to change.


There are a lot of opinions out there on what constitutes a good mom. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what others think you should be doing. Instead, focus on what works for you, your children, and your family. Do your own research on parenting and motherhood and do what makes sense for you.


In the meantime, don't stress out about what others think you should be doing. And definitely, don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself. Remember, no mom is perfect. Even the mean mom down the street isn't perfect despite the fact that she pretends to be.


Keep in mind that organized groups and activities, like playgroups and PTOs, create forced friendships. In other words, the women in these groups are together because of the group and not necessarily because they are looking for friends. What's more, they also can be a breeding ground for cliques and mean moms. While there are times you will find a friend or two in a group like this, you are just as likely to run into a few Queen Bees along the way.


Instead, look for other ways to develop healthy friendships with other moms. Sometimes this begins with you reaching out and making plans with other women that you have just met. And as hard as it may be, keep in mind that someone has to take the first step.


Remember, healthy friendships don't require that women have carbon copy personalities. Instead, look for healthy character traits like kindness and compassion. Surrounding yourself with these types of people will lessen the impact of the mean moms.


By Sherri Gordon

Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. 

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A bully would always beat me up at school and my mom would tell me to stick up for myself, but he was so much bigger and stronger I couldn't. She got mad and made her tell me who he was and where he lived so that she and I could go talk to his parents. We went over to his house and rang the doorbell and his mom answered the door and asked us what we wanted. My mom said she wanted her son to stop picking on me or else she would tell the principal what was happening. She said it couldn't be her son because he would do no such thing. But mom insisted so she called upstairs and told her son to come down. He came down the stairs and my mom saw him for the first time. He was grossly over weight and much bigger than me. Mom said to him would he please stop picking on me and he just laughed and said I had started it. Then his mom said, see I knew my son would not do that, it is your son who started it and my son just finished it. She then pushed my mom down and they both laughed at her as she fell on her butt and her skirt went up her legs and we could all see her panties! My bully then jumped on my moms" stomach and almost squished her. He then pulled her over and started spanking her very hard. My mom was trying to get away but he was very strong and held her down. He then pulled her skirt up and her panties down and starting spanking her bare butt! I tried to help but the bully's mom grabbed me and pulled me over her knees and pulled down my pants and started spanking me. She held me and faced me so I could see her son spanking my mom on her bare butt. She put me down and tied my hands and feet and left the room only to return with a camera and started taking some pictures of her son (my bully) spanking my mom on her bare butt. My mom was crying now and begging him to stop. His mom laughted and said, look she is enjoying it, shes opening her legs wider after every spank. We all looked down and saw that he was now unbuttoning her shirt and said he wanted to see her big breasts. He tore off the rest of her shirt and ripped her bra off and they both began hooting and hollering because without her padded bra she had small childlike breasts!.. My mom was so embarrassed she tried to cover them with her hands, but my bully pulled her hands away and his mom took some more pictures of her tiny breasts. He then started pinching her tiny buds and she screamed to please stop. I couldn't stop looking at my mom, lying there crying and begging my bully to stop. His mom then said for him to strip her completly and make her crawl around on her hands and knees while he smacked her butt and she would take more pictures. After totally humiliating her they said we could leave but they would show these pictures of her naked and being spanked by her son to all the neighbors and all my friends at school if we ever told anyone. We then left and ran home because they had given my mom only her torn shirt and short skirt and and told her with her tiny breasts no one would notice and took some more pictures of us running away. I have to admit that I got very excited seeing my mom naked and being humiliated by them!
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Mila Kunis, Christina Applegate, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Annie Mumolo in "Bad Moms," 2016.
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A few years ago, Dorathy Gass was mom-bullied.
It all started out when one of her daughters had a conflict with a girl with whom she had previously been friends.
"My daughter wasn't being nice, her daughter wasn't being nice," Gass told "Good Morning America." "I didn't see it as anything other than two girls having a conflict."
Soon though, Gass said she noticed the mom of the other girl, as well as other moms in her social circle, stopped saying hi at school. Then Gass said she noticed she wasn't in on those "group mom texts" that for many are a social lifeline.
"People were avoiding me at school," she said. "They stopped reaching out, stopped inviting both my daughters to play dates."
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Limor Weinstein, a parent coach and psychotherapist, told "GMA," "Mom bullying affects different moms in different ways, but it’s very similar to how kids deal with the same issue. In general, it produces insecurity, which affects a mom’s ability to parent."
Gass stopped going to school, stopped volunteering her time. "I was devastated," she said. Eventually, she was approached by people who were outside the social circle of the mom Gass was having conflict with.
"They said she [the other mom] was saying my daughter was a bully, and that I thought she [my daughter] was perfect."
Gass said she went to the teacher to make sure her daughter was not being a bully. The teacher, according to Gass, confirmed that the girls did in fact have conflict, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.
I thought to myself, "If she's talking about me to these people, she must be talking about me to everyone."
Gass wrote a blog post on the incident and in the process, researched adult bullying, she said.
She came to the conclusion, she said, that "I did nothing wrong. I'm going to continue to live my life." When she was approached by others about the drama, she would tell them, "I'm going to say nothing about her or her child."
The other mom, Gass said, continued to talk about both Gass and her daughter. "Eventually, she talked herself into a corner. A handful of moms said, 'We don't care what she says, we still want you to be around.' The community eventually came around."
Weinstein told "GMA" that in her 20 years of work, she has seen moms bullying other moms "for everything from feeding preferences (e.g. formula vs breastfeeding) to how they dress their kids, to decisions about vaccinating their children and even having kids with psychological or sexual identity issues. I’ve also seen mom-shaming over physical appearances, time spent volunteering at a school, which classes and extracurricular activities they enroll their children in, the list goes on and on."
Just this week, she said, a client called her in tears because other moms were bullying her at her daughter's camp. "Her daughter, who is transgender, called from camp saying that some of the campers told her that some of the moms are bad mouthing her [her mom]. My client was crying, telling me that the other moms were judging her for supporting her transgender daughter. One mom even sent her a copy of a Bible with a note saying 'You will end up in hell.'"
The mom decided to pick her daughter up from camp the next day.
One variable, she said, is that what happened to Gass -- gossip that eventually got back to the victim of a mean comment -- can also be delivered online.
"I see that the bullying is done more and more on social media, specifically on the various mom groups," Weinstein said. "Hiding behind a computer, it seems, has given certain moms a platform to really unleash their feelings."
But however the blows are delivered, Weinstein said, "It’s important for moms who feel bullied to understand that once they are able to cope with those who bully them, they are also more able to be positive role models for their children. It’s important for moms to model not allowing other people to affect the way they feel and act."
This was advice Gass came to on her own.
"The sad part of it is children had to learn adults aren’t perfect -- adults are not always the role model should be," she said. "Don't think your child does not hear you bad-mouthing another parent, they do."
Weinstein said, "I have noticed that there is a strong correlation both between moms and kids who are being bullied and moms and kids who do the bullying."
"Bullies are not awful people," Gass said. "People who are hurting tend to lash out. They do it not because they are bad people, but because they are insecure."
In the end, Gass said, much good came out of a painful situation. She and her daughter made new friends, became more confident and became closer as a result of all their talks about the situation.
"I had faith in the goodness of people and that good would prevail," she said. "Just know if this happens to you, you are not alone. Believe in yourself."
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