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Raising Kids





Family Dynamics





Single Parenting




By

Jamie Rush, as told to Debra Immergut







Parents is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.



It was Friday morning, first period, and I was in my science class, just like a typical kid in a typical high-school science room. I'm sure you can picture it—the little plants sprouting in Styrofoam cups, the usual charts and posters on the walls, the teacher asking us if we'd done our homework. Just a normal moment in the life of a teenager.


But then the loudspeaker on the wall squawked: Jamie Rush, report to the nursery!


It was another reminder that, no, I wasn't a normal high-school kid. I was a teenage mom attending an alternative school with built-in day care. I excused myself from class and hurried to the nursery, where the attendant met me at the door. "You forgot to leave your son's diapers!" she told me, scowling. I confessed that I had left them at home and asked if I could borrow a few from someone else. She said okay, but then she shook her head at me as if to say, "Careless kids!"


Such moments—and there were lots of them that year—made me realize how out of place I felt in high school after my son was born. I graduated last June, thank goodness, and have been working as a clerk in a local toy store ever since. Still, I can't ignore the fact that my life is really weird compared with the lives of most kids my age.


Everything changed for me in tenth grade, the night of the school play. I was 15. This guy and I were just friends, but that night, he asked me to go for a walk with him. He grabbed my hand, and we started heading to the stadium. He kept stopping to kiss me and tell me how pretty I was. I was nervous, but I was also flattered. I had been feeling so self-conscious about my looks. (I know—it's lame.)


Anyway, one thing led to another . . .


My mom and I are very close, so the following week, I told her about what had happened. I couldn't keep it a secret —I was so scared I was pregnant. I just had this feeling that something was going on inside me. She said we'd just wait and see what happened.


A few weeks later, I took a home pregnancy test , and it showed a very faint pink line. I yelled for my mom, and later that day, we were at the doctor's office. The doctor did a blood test, then came back, lowered his glasses and said, "Positive," in a stern voice.


My mom and I just looked at each other—nervous and numb. I could tell my mother was disappointed, but she wasn't mad. I think that's because she had my older brother when she was only 17, and he turned out great. Anyway, after the shock wore off, both of us felt a little nervous but excited. We never even considered an abortion; my mom and I are both pro-life. And adoption was out of the question; I couldn't imagine giving my baby away.


From the start, I wanted to be a good mom and decided to teach myself everything I could about pregnancy and child rearing. I looked at a bunch of pregnancy Websites and learned all about how babies develop. I read lots of books, took my prenatal vitamins, and went to all my checkups. I tried to eat well, although I also used being pregnant as an excuse to treat myself to lots of fast food. After all, I was eating for two!


My pregnancy was considered high risk because I was only 15, but it turned out to be pretty easy. Except for the birth part. Whoa! That really hurt! After 19 hours of labor, though, Tyler Dominic Rush was finally born. He had a full head of black hair and gorgeous blue eyes. He was beautiful, healthy, and he was mine.


I couldn't wait to leave the hospital, but the second we got home, I froze. It was like, "Oh, no! I have a baby! What do I do now?" I never felt more like a little kid. With lots of help from my mom, though, I gradually figured out how to hold him, feed him, and bathe him. We set up a beautiful bedroom for him—decorated with a Winnie-the-Pooh theme—but he slept with me every night for the first five months.


My relationship with the father pretty much ended when I told him I was going to have the baby. He never really came around to the idea of being a dad. He's stayed out of the picture, and since we aren't really on good terms, I think it's best that way. I don't know what will happen in the future. Right now, I don't want to think about it.


My parents have been great. I help pay for some of Tyler's stuff, but basically, they're supporting both of us. My mom babysits when I'm at work. She's terrific with him, almost too good. Some nights, I'll put him down, and he'll fuss nonstop. I'll try so hard to get him to stop crying—and then Mom comes along and quiets him down in half a second. I have to admit it: That makes me feel bad. The whole situation has been harder for my dad. He wasn't planning on living with a baby again, and he gets annoyed sometimes. But he's really wonderful about everything and completely supportive in every way.


I don't have much of a social life. I can't relate to my old friends anymore: the things they talk about, the clothes they wear, the parties. I still have my Eminem posters in my room, but instead of staying up late listening to music or talking on the phone, I go to bed at 8:30 so I can get up at 6 a.m. with Tyler.


I plan to go back to school and will probably take some classes at the community college someday. But right now, Tyler is my life. I'm crazy about him. At 15 months, he's starting to talk, and he knows so many words. He says "Mama," "Mamaw" (that's what he calls my mom), "bye-bye," "hi," and "no-Ty" (for "no, Tyler" when he does something wrong).


He can wave bye-bye, clap his hands, and point at what he wants. He's starting to pick out his clothes by opening the drawer and pulling out a shirt. He knows how to Velcro his shoes too! I'm just so proud of him. I love buying him stuff: I get a 25 percent discount from the toy store I work in. Woo hoo!


Tyler's a good little boy most of the time, but like any toddler, he has his moments. When he cries in public, I really cringe, because I feel under a lot of pressure to be a perfect mom. If he acts up, or if he falls over and bumps his head, I always think people are looking at me as if to say, "It's because you're a teenager."


In truth, though, I think I'm a great mom, and I know that my son is crazy about me. I definitely don't want to promote teen pregnancy; believe me, it's not easy at all. But I truly believe that having Tyler has made me into a better person. And I'd like the world to know that teenage moms can be every bit as caring, loving, and perfect or imperfect as any other mother. We're parents too, and we're just like other parents—only a little bit younger and with a little bit more to learn.


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Ever wonder what it will be like when your little boys hit puberty? Think the teen years will be exciting, challenging, and fulfilling? Want someone who has “been there, done that” to tell you how it really is?
Well holy AXE spray, zit cream, and hairy legs, I. AM. THERE. I am treading water in the teen angst cesspool (also knows as their bedroom) and desperately gasping for sanity in male-adolescent-hormone-infested waters. Waters that run deep, wide, smart-mouthed, and scruffy-chinned. Where dirty boxer shorts, crumpled up and forgotten homework assignments, lost ear buds, sweaty socks, and junk food wrappers are forever afloat. These waters do not come with a lifeboat. (Honestly, I don’t need a lifeboat, I need a pressure washer and a bullhorn, but we will get to that in a sec.)
Don’t get me wrong: my teenagers are great kids. They do well in school, are witty, empathetic, amusing, and are actually growing into really cool adults. But there are minutes, days, sometimes weeks where I — in teen terms — like, TOTES. CAN’T. EVEN. wrap my mind around their behavior.
1. Everything will smell . Their car. Their closet. Their bathroom. Their bedroom. The hallway that leads to their room. It will be a funky, sweaty, noxious, musty, foul, deodorant soap-covering-perspiration, “I am no longer a little boy” type of odor. No candle, plug-in, floral spray or wax melt comes close to touching it. So stop trying. When they move out, painting the room and replacing the carpet MAY help. I say MAY.
2. They will suddenly want to wash their own sheets. They will bounce down the stairs with all of their bedding wrapped up in a tiny ball, duck into the laundry room, and out of nowhere suddenly want to start the washing machine with no help. Don’t ask. Don’t help. Don’t acknowledge. Move on, mom. This doesn’t involve you. Just a boy and his dreams.
3. There is no frustration greater than teaching a teenager how to drive. I’m almost done teaching my second son how to drive. I’ve got chewed-up cuticles, severe hair loss, and a scrip for reducing heart palpitations to prove it. No matter how cautious, careful, and smart of a driver they appear to be, and even with mom riding shotgun, dents will happen. So will things like, “Does yellow happen before or after green?” and, “Is 65 the fastest I can go?” Shoot. Me. Now.
4. When not sleeping, they are eating. Ever wake up at 3 a.m. to what sounds like raccoons in your kitchen digging through the garbage for food? Folks at Costco finally give you a parking spot up front? Then you get it. I live in “Never Enough Burritos” land. Someone please invent a pepperoni pizza patch that I can slap on their arms and that will offer 24-hour continuous nourishment.
5. When not eating, they are sleeping. When I had a house full of babies that woke everyday before sunrise, never, ever, EVER did I think that I would ever sleep in again. But teens? They SLEEP THE HELL IN!! Like until NOON. Comatose almost. Not gonna lie, it’s freakin’ awesome. Awesome until they have to wake up at dawn, like, say, for school. Then you are totally screwed. Invest in a bullhorn and pray for Saturdays.
6. They will take risks. Big ones. Mind-numbing ones. Risks that your shy, overly cautious, hesitant little boy would never take. (Personally, I think the part of the brain that kept him wary and watchful is now controlled by images of boobies and butts, but who knows.) Basically, boy brains are fearless, reckless, and have zero sense of consequences. If you’ve ever uttered the words, “Not my kid,” take it back. Take it back right effing NOW. Trust me.
7. They think they know everything. Yes, that cliché is true, and they will actually say this to your face. I literally recorded mine saying it to me. Even he laughed. This brazen way of thinking must somehow be a survival mechanism. Perhaps if they had an authentic grasp of adulthood and what real life will throw at them someday, they wouldn’t even want to reach 18. Let’s just allow them to keep thinking they know everything. Why ruin the party?
8. They will not want to hug much anymore. Like ever . But keep trying. You will become the physical form of kryptonite, and when they see you with your arms outstretched, they may run away in horror. Keep trying anyway. Because out of the blue one day, they will toss their arm around your shoulder and give a squeeze, a grin, and say “I love you mom.” (It may only occur when your trunk is full of groceries but hey, take what you can get.) They may seem aloof and un-wanting of your affection, but don’t believe it. They want it. Hug when and if you can.
9. Showers. All day. Every day. Go ahead and buy the low-flow shower head on their 13th birthday, as it will save you about $500 a year. Kids you previously had to beg, bribe, and literally chase down and throw into the shower now spend a quarter of their entire day in there. And yet, still #1. Washing diligently? Probably not, but don’t be that mom who knocks and cracks an embarrassing joke. Just don’t.
10. You thought your newborn grew overnight? You won’t believe these spurts. The mere fact that these boys I now have to crane my neck and look UP to used to fit in the football hold under my arm is mind-boggling. But it happens. And it does so at warp speed. They will go to bed one night with the voice of a Vienna Choir boy and walk out the next morning Pavarotti. Pants that one day you have to roll up will be capris the next. We have skipped three whole shoe sizes at one time. Must have something to do with #4. In the blink of an eye you will go from holding the soft padded hands of a little boy to holding a hand that feels like your husband’s. And the one thing you really need to know? Watching your boys turn into men is pretty darn cool.
This article was originally published on 10.20.2015

By Lauren Forcella | Orange County Register

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Dear Straight Talk: My best friend, Karen, has two moms instead of a mom and a dad. Because of this, my mom won’t let me spend the night at her house. My mom doesn’t have a problem with me there in the daytime, but she is “not comfortable” with me spending the night in “such a household.”
Karen’s moms are very nice people. One is a lawyer and the other is a college professor. They have been together 20 years (much longer than my parents’ marriage lasted) and got married last year when it was legal in California. My mom admits she’s not worried they would try something sexual with me. So what is she worried about? And how can I convince her not to?
Hannah, 16, Safford: My grandfather is gay and married to another man. He’s one of the best examples of a good person to know and his lifestyle does not concern me a bit. But I told one of my close friends about it and since then I’ve had a hard time making friends at all. I love my grandfather and if people don’t appreciate him, that’s their problem. Both moms sound like respectable people with a great relationship.
Akasha, 16, Sacramento: I had a friend with two mothers and they were sweet, normal people. I didn’t feel unsafe or uncomfortable at all. Parents never worry about the mother or father of a straight couple hitting on their kid. Your mother needs to realize these women are grown adults. There is nothing to suggest they would do anything inappropriate.
Ashley, 23, Auburn: How would your mother feel if Karen wasn’t allowed to spend the night because she was divorced? Has your mom even met your friend’s moms? It’s time she knew that these women are humans.
Maureen, 18, Redding: It should absolutely not be a problem. They have been “married” for years. It is not like they are being promiscuous. You are in a perfectly safe home environment. Keep talking to your mom and include Karen’s moms in the discussion.
Katelyn, 15, Huntington Beach: Your mom’s rule relates to her beliefs. Like me, she doesn’t approve of same-sex couples and is worried that by spending too much time with them, you’ll think it is OK.
Dear Candace: Katelyn has the best explanation for your mother’s rule. Nonetheless, your mother is handling her fears counterproductively. As more and more people live openly gay or bisexual lives, and others switch back and forth from being straight, people are confused. Is this all genetic or is there a social conditioning aspect? You can’t find more polarization or phobia on an issue. My mailbox is filled with letters like yours. Ultimately, however, phobic and polarized reactions usually stimulate behavior rather than diffusing it. (Notice what it’s done to you.)
Not that complacency is the answer either. There is a middle way. The middle way requires compassion and perspective that any of us could be gay: You could be gay. I could be gay. And being gay (or bisexual) doesn’t make someone “bad.” We always need to remember we are human beings first and foremost.
My advice to parents like yours: Learn to talk about sexuality frankly. Let your teens know they are loved regardless of sexuality. Find situations in life or movies where sexual expression appears genetic and where it appears conditioned. Ask questions. Be curious and dumb for a change – on this subject we all are. Share what sexual integrity means to you personally, even admit your biases, but refrain from judging others.
Candace, you sound straight. Start a conversation with: “Mom, I know I’m straight. Do you know how I know?” Then tell her what you know about yourself and why.
To ask a question or to be a panelist, go to StraightTalkForTeens.com or write to P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628. Lauren Forcella holds a master’s degree in consciousness studies and co-founded the nonprofit Teens-Matter organization in Auburn.
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