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Father Stands Up For Trans Son, Tells Unsupportive Wife To ‘Get Over Herself’
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In the US, more teens than previously thought are transgender or identify themselves as non-gender conforming, a 2016 survey found. The study surveyed teens in two grades, but the rates of identifying as transgender turned out to be higher (0.7%) than government data previously estimated (0.6%). With that in mind, we clearly see that teens are rejecting binary thinking and adults have to keep up.
Unfortunately, real-life examples show that not everyone seems to be on the same page yet. “The first time our child said he felt like a boy, he was 8,” wrote the dad on the “Am I An A-hole?” subreddit, where he shared an incident from his family.
It turns out, mom refused to accept her son’s transition, doing everything she could not to let go of that girl her son was born as. Luckily, the dad stood up for their son and told the wife to “get over herself” and support him. His post amassed 4.2K upvotes and counting, and 351 comments from people sharing their views on this sensitive family case.
Identifying your gender, realizing your sexuality, and coming out are the most mentally and physically challenging experiences a human has to go through. Especially if it happens at one’s most vulnerable time, during the childhood and teenage years when everyone is already struggling with finding their true selves in this relentless world.
Bored Panda reached out to Rob Todaro, the communications manager at The Trevor Project, the world’s largest suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning young people. Rob said that the recent 2020 Trevor Project National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health showed that LGBTQ kids are going through extremely serious challenges.
“6 out of 10 LGBTQ youth said that someone attempted to convince them to change their sexual orientation or gender identity. And those who had experienced attempts to change their sexual orientation or gender identity reported twice the rate of suicide attempts as those who did not experience change attempts.”
He also said that the survey showed that 1 in 3 LGBTQ youth reported that they’ve been physically threatened or harmed in their life due to their LGBTQ identity. 29% of LGBTQ youth, due to their identity, have even experienced homelessness, been kicked out, or run away.
Rob explained that affirming LGBTQ youth in their identities is essential to their mental health and wellness. This especially has to do with support from family and friends. “The LGBTQ youth who reported high levels of social support from family and friends were significantly less likely to attempt suicide compared to those with lower levels of social support.”
Incredibly, “transgender and nonbinary youth who said that their pronouns are respected by all or most of the people in their lives attempted suicide at half the rate of those who did not have their pronouns respected,” Rob explained, highlighting the healing power transgender acceptance can bring.
And at least a single accepting adult can make a whole world of difference. “We’ve also found that just one accepting adult can reduce the risk of a suicide attempt among LGBTQ young people by 40 percent,” Rob concluded.
Showing support for LGBTQ youth is crucial and makes a huge impact on a person in a mental crisis. Please see The Trevor Lifeline for youth in need of immediate support, which can be life-saving.
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How would you act in this situation?
Claiming a mother naturally has a deeper bonding is just toxic towards men. And especially if she had, she should be the one supporting. She is neither "loosing" nor "gaining" someone, but she has and will keep a child. If she loses one then due to heir insensitivity. And what "is she going through"? Frankly, her child has been "going through" something for 18 years. Now would be the time for unconditional love!
You'd think the "deeper bond" would allow her to be less judgemental and really be supportive of her child.
I do not think it is right to talk about loss here. What she loses at most is a label, a drawer in which we humans are stuck in order to classify them. Gender, however, does not usually make up what or who we are, but what is within us. When they talk about loss here, it is first of all disrespectful to the son. What does she expect? That the son will reconsider, just because she is not ready to let go? That's just not how it works. The son didn't choose to feel that way one morning, but that is what he is. Nobody chooses to be straight, gay, transgender, or whatever. This is not even a choice of feelings, but simply the way we are. Time to accept and respect that. We live in the year 2020. The father has done the right thing here. It is the mother who should check her attitude and whether her behavior is necessary and appropriate. It is not!
That was my sticking point too. She isn't losing a daughter. He isn't gaining a son. They're still going to have the same child they've had all this time, the child just going to feel a lot more comfortable in his own skin.
I absolutely agree that the man is NTA, that his son needs love and support from both parents. His wife is absolutely going through this all the wrong way, BUT, she needs to be getting some form of therapy and expecting her to "get over it" is unrealistic at best. She is still going through the grieving process which takes people different times and is entirely unique to the individual. Its not simply the case that she's had a decade to get used to the idea - she hasn't finished processing it, you dont get to put a time limit on this. She needs to support her son and get some therapy, but dont expect her to just get over it just because you have.
Her son does get to put a time limit on her actually trying to start accepting him though. She's gone years stubbornly refusing to acknowledge what he was telling her. She's entitled to all the time in the world to try and get through it whichever way she can, but if her son wants to put a time limit on the starting point of that process he most definitely can.
Claiming a mother naturally has a deeper bonding is just toxic towards men. And especially if she had, she should be the one supporting. She is neither "loosing" nor "gaining" someone, but she has and will keep a child. If she loses one then due to heir insensitivity. And what "is she going through"? Frankly, her child has been "going through" something for 18 years. Now would be the time for unconditional love!
You'd think the "deeper bond" would allow her to be less judgemental and really be supportive of her child.
I do not think it is right to talk about loss here. What she loses at most is a label, a drawer in which we humans are stuck in order to classify them. Gender, however, does not usually make up what or who we are, but what is within us. When they talk about loss here, it is first of all disrespectful to the son. What does she expect? That the son will reconsider, just because she is not ready to let go? That's just not how it works. The son didn't choose to feel that way one morning, but that is what he is. Nobody chooses to be straight, gay, transgender, or whatever. This is not even a choice of feelings, but simply the way we are. Time to accept and respect that. We live in the year 2020. The father has done the right thing here. It is the mother who should check her attitude and whether her behavior is necessary and appropriate. It is not!
That was my sticking point too. She isn't losing a daughter. He isn't gaining a son. They're still going to have the same child they've had all this time, the child just going to feel a lot more comfortable in his own skin.
I absolutely agree that the man is NTA, that his son needs love and support from both parents. His wife is absolutely going through this all the wrong way, BUT, she needs to be getting some form of therapy and expecting her to "get over it" is unrealistic at best. She is still going through the grieving process which takes people different times and is entirely unique to the individual. Its not simply the case that she's had a decade to get used to the idea - she hasn't finished processing it, you dont get to put a time limit on this. She needs to support her son and get some therapy, but dont expect her to just get over it just because you have.
Her son does get to put a time limit on her actually trying to start accepting him though. She's gone years stubbornly refusing to acknowledge what he was telling her. She's entitled to all the time in the world to try and get through it whichever way she can, but if her son wants to put a time limit on the starting point of that process he most definitely can.

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When her daughter came out as transgender, she never imagined her husband would be next. 
Two years ago, Amanda Jette Knox was sitting in her home office when her partner came bursting in, insisting that she check her email. At first Amanda brushed it off, assuming it was just some silly Buzzfeed quiz, as you do, but after her eyes glanced at the first few words in her inbox, she quickly realized her life would never be the same.
"I am a girl trapped inside a boy's body," the letter, written by her 11-year-old child, read. "More than anything, I want to be a girl. Please try to understand. Don't be mad. Please help me."
"I was in complete shock," Amanda, 39, told redbookmag.com.
"I didn't know anything about transitions at the time – I didn't know there were trans kids, except from watching Montel Williams. I remember looking at those kids and thinking how awful it must be to be judged like that."
But without missing a beat, she says "I thought, whoever this child was, whether she's male or female, or anything, we loved her and we needed to tell her that."
So she climbed under the covers with Alexis, who had been sobbing in her bedroom, and held her daughter. 
"She had always been anxious, and withdrawn. We had done everything we could to help her, but it wasn't until she went on anti-depressants that she was able to control her moods enough to realize what was actually going on," Amanda explained. 
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Although she was different than Amanda's two other sons, Aerik, 19, and Jackson, 9, Alexis, was never particularly "girly."
"She liked Hannah Montana, and iCarly and she wanted to sew, but we
didn't assume anything. We just thought you be you," Amanda, a writer from Ottawa, Canada, said. 
When Alexis sat her brothers down to explain to them that she was transgender, they couldn't have taken the news any better. 
"Okay, lemme get this straight. So, you're a boy on the outside, but you're a girl on the inside?" Jackson asked.
"That's cool, I always wanted a sister." And it was settled. 
But despite the loving response Alexis received at home, the sixth grader's transition wasn't as seamless at school. 
"Alexis was terrified. Wracked with anxiety, battling her way through depression. We had to pull her out of school within a few months, after one of her teachers said, 'She's shutting down, Amanda. I'm afraid we're losing her.' School work was the least of Alexis' concerns back then. Her friends had stopped talking to her, the world as she knew it was folding in on her."
"The world as she knew it was folding in on her."
Amanda remembers "spending those early days crying into the phone, crying into the eggs in the frying pan, crying while going through the drive-through ("can you repeat that, ma'am?"). Lots of mascara reapplication. Maybelline loved me very much two years ago," Amanda wrote on her blog, The Maven of Mayhem. 
Now, at 13, Alexis is thriving at an LGBTQ-friendly public school that has an all-gender bathroom and prides itself on being a "safe space."
"Her confidence has grown, and that tearful, fearful little person I once knew as my son has morphed into the most incredible young lady," Amanda shares. 
But less than two years after Alexis came out as her true self, Amanda was faced with another astronomical challenge. 
On July 2, 2015, Amanda's husband of 19 years, Zoe, also came out as transgender. 
"I replied with an eloquent, You've got to be f*cking kidding me. This can't happen twice in one family."
"I was just starting to heal from feeling like I was losing a son, getting her settled in her life, and I was finally able to focus on other things. And then Zoe came out and I had no idea how I'd do it all over again," she told us.
"The life I knew–the life I had with my husband – died that night. There's no other way to describe it."
"I was just starting to heal from feeling like I was losing a son. I had no idea how I'd do it all over again."
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Amanda would come to find that Zoe, 43, knew by the age of six that she didn't feel like a boy.
"She suppressed those feelings knowing that in her small town, the only 'help' she'd receive would be conversion therapy. So she listened to her friends who suggested she had mental health problems, as she tried to 'man up.'"
Though Amanda always knew Zoe had a deep-seated unhappiness, she just assumed it was part of Zoe's brooding poetic ways. She had no idea her sadness stemmed from years of denying her true self.
"She was a songwriter, and I just thought, so you're a little moody, and you'll get over it." But she didn't. That is not until Zoe was able to admit who she was.
"I didn't know what I was going to do," Amanda said. "I felt so betrayed and this healing scab had just been ripped off. I was angry and hurt and at the same time, really wanted to support her."
"For awhile I didn't know what to feel anymore," she admits. Amanda had to make sure that the person Zoe was about to become would be the same person she initially had fallen in—and for a time—out of love with. 
"I always told the kids it never mattered to me what
gender their mom was, whether it was male or female it wouldn't matter. But I was worried I was attracted to the man I married and the qualities that he possessed. I was concerned that once she transitioned, I wouldn't be attracted to her qualities as a woman." But, as it turns out, Amanda says, "Now she's way hotter," adding with an excited giggle, "Zoe is a tall drink of water."
"I am so in love with the person she is," Amanda says, adding, "Zoe has so many great qualities and those haven't changed over the years – the difference is that now she's happy."
"When we told the kids, Alexis started crying. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I'm just so happy for you. I know exactly what you're feeling right now and I know it's hard, but I know this is going to be wonderful.'"
"She has so many great qualities and those haven't changed—the difference is that now she's happy."
"If anything their relationship really underscores for me how parents need to be supportive of their trans kids, so that they don't have to remain closeted until adulthood and undo all of this. Alexis only had 11 years working against her. Zoe had a lifetime." 
While Zoe's transition has gone considerably smoothly, she was reluctant to share her new identity with her colleagues. But her peers have showed her an overwhelming amount of kindness. 
Besides welcoming Zoe into the office with a newly decorated cubicle, they threw her a surprise coming out party.
Although Amanda may have initially been blindsided, she says that she and her wife have never been more in love. "Our marriage is better than ever, because for the first time we're two real people, having a real relationship."
"After nearly 23 years together, I finally have my whole partner, not just the part she wanted to show me," and, she slays in every dress she tries on, Amanda jokes. 
Amanda hopes that sharing her family's story will help to erase stigma. "I want people to learn with me," she writes.
"If you learn along with me, then you won't be afraid. You won't think families like ours are defective or weird. You'll get to know the queer parents at your kids' school. Knowledge creates change. And then the world gets safer for Alexis and Zoe, the two bravest ladies I've ever had the pleasure of loving."
Next year, on their 20th wedding anniversary, Amanda and Zoe plan to renew their wedding vows.  But this time, Zoe will wear a white dress, and finally get the ceremony she's always wanted. 
Brie Schwartz Deputy Editor, OprahDaily.com As deputy editor, Brie oversees OprahDaily.com's lifestyle content including beauty, style, health, and relationships.
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