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I’m watching a Silicon Valley CEO being led around the room on a leash. His wife is in the next room, where a jewellery designer is getting comfortable with three men who definitely aren’t her husband. I’m part of the LA swinging community and at these parties, anything goes. For a few hours everyone can forget the stresses of juggling normal life and live judgement free. There are couples who’ve come together and some who’ve come alone (though always with their partner’s approval). That was the appeal for me - the ability to explore your sexuality whilst also maintaining an open, trusting relationship .
How did I get here? When I was 25 I was cheated on. I’d always been a very jealous person, particularly in relationships. I’d go snooping through my partner’s cupboards and scroll through their phone looking for things that I didn’t want to find, but found anyway. I hated being this type of person and when my relationship broke down, I swore to myself that I’d never let sex be the thing that ended a relationship. It seemed that the universe agreed, and around time I decided to keep sex and emotions separate, I was introduced to the deliciously freeing world of swinging.
I was living in LA when a married couple, Anna* and Pete, took me under their wing. Most Sunday’s Anna and Pete hosted lunch at their house, these were fairly boozy affairs but I always left at a reasonable hour. I knew that most of the other guests stayed the night but I’d never really thought much of it until one Sunday Anna let me in on the secret. We were gossiping in the loo and before I knew it, Anna was kissing me. I’d hooked up with women before but Anna was married - to my friend! It turned out that the cosy Sunday lunches were just the starter for an even cosier evening of partner swapping. All of these married couples with respectable jobs – lawyers, doctors and tech gurus – were having weekly orgies and then heading off in the morning to drop their kids at school. Jobs with long hours or a lot of travelling made it easy to explain nightly absences and for the Average Joes, getting home to pay the babysitter was part of the thrill. I’d stumbled into a community where sexual freedom and emotional monogamy (everyone here was happily married and also happily sleeping with other people) co-existed and it looked pretty great to me.
I started to regularly hook up with Anna and her friends and had my eyes truly opened to the world of swinging. The parties were every bit as hedonistic as you’d imagine; alcohol fuelled, encouraging anything from bondage to group sex . I enjoyed the community single and carefree for years, until I met Joey. He was a party boy who had never been in a serious relationship before, so I decided to test the waters of being in an open relationship. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, so we laid down ground rules to ensure that trust and open communication were at the foundation of our relationship. Casual hook ups were fine but you couldn’t swap numbers or speak to that person again. If we went out together, we went home together. And you definitely couldn’t sleep with somebody that we both knew. That was 12 years ago, we’ve been married for seven and our ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy is going strong to this day.
Sleeping with other people allows us to get our kicks that the other isn’t into
From the outside we live a pretty wholesome existence, now in Ibiza. When we’re not working (I’m a therapist specialising in post trauma care and Joey is a web developer) we spend our days hiking, swimming, practising yoga and foraging for fresh food. Oh, and we have two great kids.
While there have certainly been testing times, like when I thought I caught feelings for the local bar tender and when I heard a rumour that he’d tried to suck a friend of mine’s toes at a party, for the most part this arrangement has worked amazingly for us. We have a loving, honest relationship and sleeping with other people allows us both to get our kicks that the other isn’t really into. For me, knowing that I have this option to escape my normal life is, or certainly was, a really important outlet for me. Until recently, the kids have never held us back.
We got involved with the local swinging scene soon after we arrived on the island - when you know you know – and as it’s a much more tight-knit community than in LA, there’s more social interaction between the couples. I’ve been at a BBQ on the beach and my husband and another dad have kissed when the kids weren’t looking. It’s not unusual to find your foot being massaged under the table at a family-friendly dinner. But these are specific friends for specific purposes. I have a whole other circle who have absolutely no idea what we get up to.
If we go out together, we go home together
As the kids grow up, I’ve become less and less interested in going to the sex parties while Joey’s interest has rocketed. I’m starting to worry that the more he goes out, the more likely it is that people we know from school, our jobs and our social lives may start to put the dots together and suspect that we don’t have what most people would consider a ‘regular’ marriage. I don’t want to be the subject of island gossip or for people not to recommend me for work because of my extra marital preferences. But I made a promise to myself that I’d always be in an open relationship, so even though it makes me nervous that he’s playing around so close to home it’s something I have to live with.
If the mums at the school gate knew the truth about our relationship I’m not sure they’d be so keen on play dates. I hope in the future that ‘openness’ will be less taboo and I won’t have to feel guilty about my life choice, but for now, I’m keeping my swinging hobby firmly under wraps. Unless, of course, you’re interested?
*The names in this article have been changed
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A WOMAN has shocked TikTok users by claiming that she lets her mum "play" with her husband.
The self-described swinger shared what she outlines as her unusual family arrangement in a now-viral post.
In a video on the account @milliesellers411 , the social media user can be seen with a woman who she says is her mum.
The shot then pans across to the woman - who is wearing teeny white shorts - sidle over to a man who is suggested to be the daughter's husband.
Speaking to the camera, the original woman says: "Do you want to know how I keep my man happy?
She captioned the video: "Don’t judge and yes I do #hotwife #sharingiscaring."
It is unclear whether the group of three are being serious or joking.
The clip, which has been viewed more than 11.6million times, shocked social media users.
A third shared: "I really hope this is a joke lol."
And a fourth added: "Best damn wife ever."
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In another post, the daughter claimed to be in bed with a married man and his wife.
Captioning the clip, she wrote: "Facts my life."
In other real life news, we told you about the sex addict who has now been "sober" ten years.
We also revealed the women whose real boobs are often mistaken for fake ones.
And a woman is a mum-of-three at 19 after falling pregnant for the first time at 14.
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Our beauty editor Tara Ledden will be chatting to the Queen of the Jungle all about her makeup regime and the products she just couldn't live without.
As they talk all things beauty, Tara and Vicky will also be trying out 2021's top products - as voted by YOU in this year's Fabulous Beauty Awards.
Better still, the event is completely FREE to attend - and as it's virtual, tuning in while you're mid-pamper and in your PJs is actively encouraged.
And if that wasn't enough, all attendants will be in with a chance of winning one of 10 beauty goodie bags worth an eye-watering £500.
So what are you waiting for? Sign up to this completely free girly pamper evening here .
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I'm A Wife. I'm A Mom. And I'm A Swinger On The Side.
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By Guild Of Unbound Women — Written on Jun 10, 2020
Everyone has a secret. Things we don’t want people to know because we are embarrassed, too proud, or too private. We keep secrets because some things are too intimate and special for anyone else to know.
But sometimes we keep secrets because we may feel like we will be harshly judged and don’t want to invite the criticism that may follow. Often, we just simply don’t know who we can trust with sensitive information because it might illicit unwanted gossip.
For example, you would never know I have an “open” marriage . I’m not the lady in the 4 inch heels at school pick-up that wears skin-tight jeans or has DD implants. I don’t have wild parties where people stagger home with someone else’s spouse because they picked their car keys from a bowl on the coffee table.
I’m just another mom who drives a sensible car, does the grocery shopping, wears clothes from Ann Taylor, goes jogging to stay fit — and occasionally has sex with men who are not my husband.
If I ever told you about this part of my life — which I probably wouldn’t unless you were an extremely close friend — your first reaction might be “What? How? B ut...what about your kids ?”
Surely, you already have an image in your mind about what an open marriage is.
It's often mistaken for polygamy, where a man lives together with multiple women like the show Sister Wives or Big Love . Or you might think that it’s a convenient excuse for a husband to have sex with other women without losing the security of having a wife or the social complexities of having a mistress.
What most people who have never experienced an open marriage might not understand is that every open marriage is different. And it’s probably not what you think, unless you know someone personally who has one. (And you probably do, you just don’t know it yet!).
Not everyone in an open marriage is some kind of sex-addicted freak-show.
Between household duties, raising children and having a meaningful relationship with my husband, I do not have a lot of time to dedicate to having sex with other people, even if I wanted to.
I do not have sex with every man I meet. I do not want to steal your husband. I do not even want to have sex with your husband. I do not have sex at the grocery store or soccer practice or bring strange men into our home.
My open marriage did not start out as such.
It was very much closed with a big, iron door and the thought of that ever changing never once crossed my mind in the first 13 years of our marriage. My husband, on the other hand, had been making threesome jokes for at least 10 of those 13 years and often wondered out loud about all the sex he missed out on in his youth.
He grew up in a very conservative family where sex before marriage was considered a sin.
I had a similar upbringing but had secretly given in to my desires and had been with someone before I met my husband. I felt incredibly guilty about it because that’s not what “good” girls do.
But eventually the reasons against experimenting sexually with other people were overshadowed by the curiosity — and the exhausting requests by my husband.
We didn’t know exactly how this kind of thing worked, so we took a risk and asked some friends who we thought might know. It’s a delicate subject to broach, but we felt like a few conversations we had in the past left us with some clues that they were, if not in an open marriage, at least open-minded people when it came to sex.
Our hunch was right, and they told us about a place in town where we could go — what you might call a “Swinger’s Club”.
After talking about it for so long, I was ready to at least go and have a look and was excited and nervous to see what it was like.
The club itself was dark with a lot of scantily-clad women and sharply dressed men dancing or milling around the bar sipping drinks while lights flashed and stage smoke puffed up from the floor. Some people were sitting on the vinyl couches in a separate area behind the dance floor, chatting and caressing each other.
The beat of the music was pounding as hard as my heart was pumping in my chest. What am I doing here? Am I weird for wanting to know what happens here? Am I depraved? While most people hired a babysitter to go to dinner and a movie, we had left our children at home so we could watch come here and ... what?
Pretty much anything goes in a club of that nature, but it’s different for everyone.
For our first foray, we stayed together and only exchanged touches with other couples. We had agreed in advance this was more of a reconnaissance mission than a full-blown invasion into open marriage. But that night things happened — I won't go into detail out of respect for my husband — that sparked a change in what the both of us wanted and needed in our marriage.
Our curiosity (and the subsequent desire to satisfy it) came from a place of safety and security in the relationship we had fostered over the last decade.
It has been a few years since our first visit to that club and our relationship has changed and grown with time, as all relationships tend to do. The rules of our open marriage have evolved and developed over time, where we now both understand what the other person needs,and we feel comfortable with that.
The key for us is communication and respect. It also means that our relationship comes first.
We spend quality time together, we date each other, we clean the house on Saturdays and take the kids to dance and soccer. And occasionally, if one of us is on a solo business trip or a night on the town with friends, that big iron door is flung open and we let ourselves have fun. We’re young(ish), good-looking and in good shape. And we enjoy it when it feels right and safe.
None of our outside experiences are kept private from each other.
We both know what the other spouse is doing, and sometimes we do it together.
I’m happy to share with my spouse the details of any sexual adventure I might have, just as he would do for me if I asked (although we don’t always want to know). An open marriage for me means having new sexual experiences without guilt or shame.
As “open” as we are with each other about this aspect in our relationship, we are not open about it with our kids.
Just like we don’t talk to them about the complexities of getting a mortgage, why and how we invest our money or what kind of birth control we use, we don’t talk to our kids about this small but delicate aspect to our marriage.
They're too young to understand that if mom sleeps with the mailman (just kidding — he’s not my type) that that doesn’t mean Mom and Dad are getting a divorce.
They don’t understand about commitment, unity or loyalty on the level required when discussing an open marriage. They’re kids — and they need to stay that way.
So they play with Barbies, Legos and fight with each other and don’t ever have to worry about whether Mom and Dad love each other.
Because we show them every day when we eat breakfast together or dance around the kitchen or cheer them on that we're a family and that’s never going to change.
But if the day comes when one of them says to me, “You know, Mom, this one time I heard a rumor ... “ I’m not going to lie.
I will sit down with my child and answer any questions they might have and explain that for us, this lifestyle works.
Maybe then they will be ready to grasp the idea that you can love someone, spend your life devoted to them emotionally, be best friends, lovers ... and have sex with someone else on the side. But until that day comes, I’ll keep the secret between me, my husband and, well, you.
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