Mom Sons Lessons
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Meg Meeker, M.D., acclaimed author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, now turns to an equally powerful relationship in the family: the one between mother and son.
From the moment a mother holds her newborn son, his eyes tell her that she is his w... MoreMeg Meeker, M.D., acclaimed author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, now turns to an equally powerful relationship in the family: the one between mother and son.
From the moment a mother holds her newborn son, his eyes tell her that she is his world. But often, as he grows up, the boy who needs her simultaneously pushes her away. Calling upon thirty years of experience as a pediatrician, Meg Meeker, M.D., a highly sought after national speaker, assistant professor of clinical medicine, and mother of four, shares the secrets that every mother needs to know in order to strengthen—or rebuild—her relationship with her son.
Boys today face unique challenges and pressures, and the burden on mothers to guide their boys through them can feel overwhelming. This empowering book offers a road map to help mothers find the strength and confidence to raise extraordinary sons by providing encouragement, education, and practical advice about
• the need for mothers to exercise courage and be bolder and more confident about advising and directing their boys
• the crucial role mothers play in expressing love to sons in healthy ways so they learn to respect and appreciate women as they grow up
• the importance of teaching sons about the values of hard work, community service, and a well-developed inner life
• the natural traps mothers of boys often fall into—and how to avoid them
• the need for a mother to heal her own wounds with the men in her life so she can raise her son without baggage and limitations
• the best ways to survive the moments when the going gets tough and a mom’s natural ways of communicating—talking, analyzing, exploring—only fuel the fire
When a mother holds her baby boy for the first time, she also instinctively knows something else: If she does her job right and raises her son with self-esteem, support, and wisdom, he will become the man she knows he was meant to be.
Praise for Strong Mothers, Strong Sons
“Solid, practical advice for women on how to properly nurture their sons.” —Kirkus Reviews
Praise for Meg Meeker, M.D.
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
“Dr. Meeker’s conclusions are timely, relevant, and often deeply moving. No one interested in what girls experience growing up in our culture today—and the impact that parents, especially fathers, have on the experience—can afford to miss reading this book.”—Armand M. Nicholi, Jr., M.D., professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
“Reassuring and challenging . . . a helpful road map for concerned fathers [that] tackles difficult issues.” —National Review
Boys Should Be Boys
“If you want to raise a boy you’ll be proud of, read Boys Should Be Boys.”—Dave Ramsey, author of The Total Money Makeover
“Filled with inspirational vignettes, Boys Should Be Boys empowers parents to stay involved and protect their sons’ innocence. It’s a wonderfully written and eye-opening book—a must-read.”—Neil Bernstein, Ph.D., author of There When He Needs You
The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers
“Offers practical ways to help you let go of ‘mom guilt’ in order to become a happier, healthier woman.” —Parent & Child
“Just about any mom, or dad, can find useful wisdom in this book.”—Associated Press Less
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Average rating 3.92 · 1,739 ratings · 236 reviews
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ETA: I WILL delete comments preaching at me or attacking me as a mother. Most of the comments below are well-reasoned and wonderful. But if you came here to force your religion on me, force your fear of sex down my throat, or shame me as a mother, I will delete your ignorant ...more
It was so heavy handed with stereotype and crap about how men can't communicate with their mothers through words or physical affection. What? Maybe in your gender binary religious world, but not in my open-minded one. I couldn't listen to any more of the condescending treatm ...more
This book had some great lessons and I hope I remember them all in the coming years.
Here are the reasons it didn't get 5 stars:
-It's very long, making it hard to remember the first lesson by the time you finish it. I wish there was a master list of the lessons that was repea ...more
Having not read this kind of book in quite a while, I remember why I stopped picking them up. Barf. So many issues! Put down the book and blindly love your sons, moms. Unconditionally. Give them boundaries, teach them emotions are okay and normal- and even their fathers have ...more
Great book on raising sons with integrity. So grateful that this came out while my son is pre-teen. We are already benefitting from some of Meg's teachings. I'll keep this book close to refer back to over the next several years. ...more
Wow is the author extremely judgmental. I couldn't even make it through the end. I learned nothing about bettering myself or my relationship with my kids. She seems to offer extreme solutions without the means of getting there. ...more
Some reviews are easy to write and some are hard. To be honest, this is one of the easier ones. I read this book on the recommendation of a friend. It really resonated with her, and as she and I have many similarities, she thought it would really resonate with me.
First, the ...more
Though the book wasn't as structured as I would have liked and a bit long-winding and overly sentimental at points, the key points on how to raise strong sons were well developed. I agreed with her insights on the relationship between moms and sons, recognizing things from h ...more
So much good information in this book. I took a lot of notes. I loved how it all came together at the end that we are raising our little boys to become great men.
"Something quite mysterious happens when a mother lets go of her little boy. She gets back a man - not just any m ...more
Finished this book at midnight (east coast time) on NYE. A friend gave me this book and reading it has been tantamount to climbing Mt Everest. This is because 7 yrs ago, I gave birth to a beautiful boy, who is amazing and wonderful, and completely boggles my mind with the th ...more
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Published April 8th 2014 by Ballantine Books (first published January 1st 2014
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Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men
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A timely and empowering book featuring “solid, practical advice for women on how to properly nurture their sons” (Kirkus Reviews).
From the moment a mother holds her newborn son, his eyes tell her that she is his world. But often, as he grows up, the boy who needs her simultaneously pushes her away. Calling upon thirty years of experience as a pediatrician, Meg Meeker, M.D., a highly sought after national speaker, assistant professor of clinical medicine, and mother of four, shares the secrets that every mother needs to know in order to strengthen—or rebuild—her relationship with her son.
Boys today face unique challenges and pressures, and the burden on mothers to guide their boys through them can feel overwhelming. This empowering book offers a road map to help mothers find the strength and confidence to raise extraordinary sons by providing encouragement, education, and practical advice about
• the need for mothers to exercise courage and be bolder and more confident about advising and directing their boys
• the crucial role mothers play in expressing love to sons in healthy ways so they learn to respect and appreciate women as they grow up
• the importance of teaching sons about the values of hard work, community service, and a well-developed inner life
• the natural traps mothers of boys often fall into—and how to avoid them
• the need for a mother to heal her own wounds with the men in her life so she can raise her son without baggage and limitations
• the best ways to survive the moments when the going gets tough and a mom’s natural ways of communicating—talking, analyzing, exploring—only fuel the fire
When a mother holds her baby boy for the first time, she also instinctively knows something else: If she does her job right and raises her son with self-esteem, support, and wisdom, he will become the man she knows he was meant to be.
Praise for Strong Mothers, Strong Sons
“Solid, practical advice for women on how to properly nurture their sons.” —Kirkus Reviews
Praise for Meg Meeker, M.D.
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
“Dr. Meeker’s conclusions are timely, relevant, and often deeply moving. No one interested in what girls experience growing up in our culture today—and the impact that parents, especially fathers, have on the experience—can afford to miss reading this book.” —Armand M. Nicholi, Jr., M.D., professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
“Reassuring and challenging . . . a helpful road map for concerned fathers [that] tackles difficult issues.” —National Review
Boys Should Be Boys
“If you want to raise a boy you’ll be proud of, read Boys Should Be Boys.” —Dave Ramsey, author of The Total Money Makeover
“Filled with inspirational vignettes, Boys Should Be Boys empowers parents to stay involved and protect their sons’ innocence. It’s a wonderfully written and eye-opening book—a must-read.” —Neil Bernstein, Ph.D., author of There When He Needs You
The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers
“Offers practical ways to help you let go of ‘mom guilt’ in order to become a happier, healthier woman.” —Parent & Child
“Just about any mom, or dad, can find useful wisdom in this book.” —Associated Press
Meg Meeker, M.D., is the author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters; Boys Should Be Boys; and The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers. She has been a physician practicing pediatric and adolescent medicine, working with children and their parents, for more than thirty years. Dr. Meeker is the mother of four children and lives and works with her husband in northern Michigan.
Chapter 1
You Are His First Love
(But Never Tell Him That)
The moment that little bundle of pink, squirming flesh slips into our arms, love touches us. We feel it, not just in our hearts, but also on our skin. He is there. Our son. He is the one who will teach us what male love is like in its purest form. He will be devoted to us and care for us as no other man will.
In my practice, I’ve seen something extraordinary, almost spiritual, in the eyes of young mothers who hold their sons for the first time. It’s as though we know we have to hold on tightly, while we can, because deep down, we realize that we can’t keep them. They will grow up, fall in love, and another will take our place. At that point, sons must leave their mothers. We can’t be in the middle of those relationships. Our daughters, on the other hand, don’t need to leave us in the same way; somehow, we can maintain an intimacy with them even when they are grown and have fallen in love. We are connected to our sons by the same deep love we have for our daughters, but there is a different makeup to the mother-son relationship. One day, when he falls for someone, the nature of his bond with us will shift; we will no longer be his first love. And the moment he is born, our deep sensibilities know this.
For your infant son, you represent nurture and safety. You are the giver of joy, food, trust, love, and all good things. The moment he hears your voice and smells your skin he knows he will be taken care of. He intuitively believes that you will not go away, that you will always be there for him.
As he matures into his toddler years, he watches your face to see what you are feeling. He doesn’t watch you because he is interested in you; rather, he watches because he wants to know what you think about him. If he reads your face and concludes that you are happy with him, then he will feel good about life. He needs your attention: He needs to know where you are and what you are doing. When he is unhappy or scared, he may even get mad at you because you are the one who should prevent these negative feelings, and if you haven’t, he expects you to fix it. In his mind, you are his whole world.
Fathers are critical to the healthy emotional, physical, and intellectual development of boys, but their role is different, particularly when boys are young. It is generally true that mothers are more emotionally tuned in to children than are fathers. It’s mom who gives the child his emotional and psychological vocabulary. It’s mom who provides the physical and emotional nurture.
From the moment your son is born, he knows that you are different from him—not just because you are an adult, but because you are female. Even as a tiny infant, he realizes on some level that you are his introduction to female love. When you respond to him kindly when he is an infant, he learns to associate kindness with females. If you soothe him when he is afraid, then females are trustworthy. In a very real sense, you lay the foundation for how he will relate to women for the rest of his life. You set a template over his heart that will guide his actions from his earliest years through adulthood.
You are his world for the first few years of his life, but equally important, you are the prism through which he will see all women. If you are trustworthy, he can trust his sister, his grandmother, his teacher, and yes, his wife. As you love him he realizes that being loved by a woman feels good. Then, as he grows older, he will love and be loved by other female figures in a healthy way.
On the other hand, if he has perceived that you are unpredictable in your love, he will learn to protect himself very early on. He will withdraw from women and refuse to open his heart to them for fear of being hurt again. If he has felt rejection from you, he will believe that other women will reject him as well. Depending on how deeply a boy has been hurt, he may well recoil from all women throughout his life. Many of us have encountered men who can’t trust women, either because they have been hurt by a woman they loved or, quite often, because the woman who was their first love (mother, grandmother, or any female who cared for them as an infant and toddler) emotionally abandoned them. Being a boy’s introduction to female love is no small responsibility.
Showing Them What a Woman Can Be
When John was ten years old, his father died of pancreatic cancer. As the oldest of three children, he immediately assumed the role of “man of the house.” This wasn’t something that his mother told him to do, he later recalled. He simply assumed it because that’s what he believed his father would have wanted. John and his siblings were thrown into what felt like a black hole, he said. His father left the family financially drained because he had gambling debts and no life insurance. When his father was alive, his mother had worked outside the home as a housekeeper for several families, but only part-time so that she could be there when her children came home from school. After his father died, all of that changed. Not only did his mother now have to work full-time as a housekeeper, but she also took an evening job at a local restaurant waiting tables to pay the bills and clean up some of her husband’s debt.
John described those years to me as “hell on earth.” As a ten-year-old, he was feeling the rumblings of puberty along with his all-consuming grief. He couldn’t study and his grades plummeted. When this happened, he felt guilty because he desperately didn’t want his mother to feel disappointed. He tried harder at school and dropped out of sports in order to bring his grades up. In the evenings, he couldn’t study because as the oldest child, he spent that time taking care of his siblings while his mother was at the restaurant. He helped them with their schoolwork and fed them dinner. And in addition to taking care of everyday chores, he assumed a more important role of protecting his younger siblings. He made sure that the doors were locked at night. But as a child himself, he too felt afraid. Keeping watch over his young siblings was frightening for him, especially because he felt insecure as a protector. “I don’t know what it was,” he told me, “but I was so afraid for them. I was scared that something bad would happen to them, too, and I would be responsible. I just remember sitting so many nights alone frightened and feeling overwhelmed.”
When John first told me his story a year ago, he was a grown man with a family of his own. But as he recalled those nights trying to care for his younger siblings, I saw the fear he experienced as a child come alive in him. The frightened little boy inside
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Mom Sons Lessons
