Mom Hard

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ContributorOpinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own.
I write about happiness, work-life fulfillment and the future of work.
Motherhood can be challenging, but you can create
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happiness as well.
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Popular press would suggest if you’re a mom you’re always happy, fulfilled and joyous—and if you’re not, somehow you’re not measuring up. Motherhood is idealized, and this is especially true around Mother’s Day. But the day we honor mothers is the best time to dispel the myths of idyllic motherhood and give ourselves the gift of taking the pressure off.
Being a mom can be tough. In fact, as the saying goes, if you don’t find it hard sometimes, you may not be paying attention. But it can also be rewarding. Here’s why it’s a challenge and how to find happiness through all the ages and stages of being a mom.
It’s important to point out that all moms work, whether they’re getting paid by an employer or not. Mothering takes effort—physical, mental and emotional—so whether or not we have a paid position, we can pat ourselves on the back at the end of the day for a job well done.
In addition, most moms work in a paying role. In fact 72% work either full time or part time. Despite this overwhelming majority, there is still a debate about whether mothers should work and how mothers’ work affects children and families. Importantly, neither your happiness nor that of your children depends on your working status. Classic sociological research has found happiness is instead linked to whether you’re satisfied with your choice. If you work full time and prefer it, you and your children will be happier. Likewise, if you work part-time or don’t work for pay and prefer either of those, you and your family will have positive outcomes. What matters most isn’t work status, but your satisfaction with it. This is good news since you can create the conditions for your own happiness no matter how you work.
One of the challenges with being a mom is the time we must invest. Sociologists refer to this as “temporal cost.” According to research at the University of Minnesota which looked at 12,000 parents over three years, moms tended to be called upon by their children around the clock, while dads were more likely to sleep through the night and meet parenting demands during their awake-hours. The 24/7 nature of mothering contributed to greater stress on moms.
In addition, studies at UCLouvain in Belgium found parental burnout is real and is brought on by constant demands and pressures to parent. Feelings of exhaustion, distancing from family or fantasizing about escaping, all characterize this kind of burnout. And it can be damaging both to parents and to children. If you’re struggling with burnout, it’s critical to talk to someone you trust, tap into the resources in your community and get help. Being a great mom doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. The opposite is true—and strength comes from reaching out when you need support.
In addition, happiness is significantly greater when moms are able to perform self-care. The moment you take to get away or take a breather can make a big difference in your wellbeing and in your quality of parenting. It’s also helpful to remind yourself of the long term. When children are younger, they take enormous amounts of time, but as they get older and are increasingly away from home with friends or as they leave the nest, you’ll crave time with them. The saying is apt, “You can have it all, just not all at once.” Appreciate every moment, knowing it will be fleeting.
Motherhood can also be stressful because of the kind of work it entails. Moms are also more likely to work a “second shift” in which they work for pay all day, and then perform home-work in the evening. In addition, the type of work moms perform tends to be different than dads’ work. Studies at Penn State found women tend to do more of the mundane (and less rewarding) caregiving work like changing diapers, doing laundry or preparing meals. On the other hand, dads tend to do more parenting that is recreational like going to a playground.
In addition, the University of Minnesota study found dads tend to do more parenting when other adults are around (think: family trip to the zoo), while moms tend to do more of their caregiving alone (think: middle of the night feedings or making dinner before the family is home). These differences in context and support affect happiness and satisfaction of moms.
If you have a partner, distribute tasks as much as possible and communicate about the kinds of tasks you enjoy most and least. Be intentional about sharing both the burdensome and the most joyful responsibilities.
Interestingly, moms also tend to be the leaders and orchestrators of caregiving and home life. Dads have increased their contribution to households over time, but moms are typically still connecting the dots overall. For example, a dad may take his son for his doctor appointment, but mom was the one who made the appointment, put it on the calendar and reminded everyone that it would be taking place today. This kind of ownership and orchestration are largely invisible, but take mental effort and can lead to reduced happiness. Research at Arizona State University found that with greater orchestration tasks, moms experienced reduced wellbeing and reduced satisfaction with life and with their partner.
Consider sharing the leadership and responsibilities of the home. Even if you can’t take your hands off the steering wheel entirely, there may be places others can contribute. Perhaps your partner can take responsibility for all school-related responsibilities while you handle all medical-related tasks. Plan for what will work best so the default doesn’t always fall to mom.
Being a mom is also hard because of the emotional investment we make in our children. You’ve probably heard that “you’re only as happy as your least happy child.” We want the best for our children, and we are committed to their wellbeing. If they’re going through a hard time, it’s stressful for us as well.
Remind yourself that while it’s hard, it’s also part of being human and it’s good news we care enough and love enough to experience the heartaches of our children. Ensure you have healthy emotional boundaries, support them through their pain, empower them to cope and appreciate the deep caring you have for them as well. 
Being a mom also comes with pressure to be perfect. Popular culture suggests moms can do it all and do it perfectly, when in reality we’re all just trying to stich the pieces of our lives together successfully. Comparing ourselves to media and in particular, social media, can reduce happiness if it looks like everyone else is doing things well and we’re not measuring up.
Realize no one is perfect, even if their Instragram posts makes them look like they are. Take the pressure off. No child is looking for a perfect parent, only one who loves them deeply and well. Know your approach to motherhood will be unique and your right answer will be different than others’. Choose your own best language of motherhood—letting it grow and evolve through your different stages of being a mom.
Also beware competitive parenting. Avoid “friends” who treat parenting as a competitive sport or fellow parents as rivals. Be empathetic, listen, tune in and reach out when you see others who may be struggling, need a listening ear or a helping hand. You’ll be happier and more fulfilled when you help others.
As a mom, you’ll also be happier if you have a strong and supportive community. Ironically, sometimes when you need support the most, it’s hardest to find the time for it. The exhaustion of sleepless nights with a baby or the always-on, always-running-hither-and-yon challenge of parenting school-age children can make it nearly impossible to attend your moms’ group. These are the times when an online group can be helpful, or a group at your workplace where you can exchange notes over your lunch hour with parents going through similar stages. You’ll be happier when you have stronger ties to others and relationships which provide the fabric of social support.
Being a mom isn’t for the faint of heart and it can be tough. But its rewards are also significant. Sometimes the joy and happiness of parenthood are most intense in hindsight. In the midst of toddler tantrums or reading stories at bedtime when you can barely keep your own eyes open, the present may seem like the only reality. But then you blink and your children are going to college and you’re facing an empty nest. Everyone says it goes so fast. And it does—but in the rearview mirror. Gratitude can make all the moments more meaningful as you’re getting through each day. As Robert Brault said, “Enjoy the little things in life, because someday you’ll realize they were the big things.”
I am a Ph.D. sociologist and the author of The Secrets to Happiness at Work exploring happiness, fulfillment and work-life. I am also the author of Bring Work to Life by
I am a Ph.D. sociologist and the author of The Secrets to Happiness at Work exploring happiness, fulfillment and work-life. I am also the author of Bring Work to Life by Bringing Life to Work: A Guide for Leaders and Organizations. I am a principal with Steelcase’s Applied Research + Consulting group. In addition to speaking and writing about the changing nature of work, workers and workplace, I also devote time as an executive advisor to the MSU Master of Industrial Mathematics Program and Coda Societies. In addition to my Ph.D. and MM, I hold a Master of Corporate Real Estate with a specialization in workplace. I have been honored to receive the Luminary Award twice, the Stanford Alexander Center for Excellence in Real Estate Award and the Constellation Award for global executives achieving business results. You can find my work in TEDx, Work-Life Balance in the 21st Century, The Wall Street Journal, The Globe and Mail (Canada), InsideHR (Australia), Training Magazine, The CoreNet Leader, Facility Executive, Work Design Magazine, Real Estate Review Journal, Fortune.com, Inc. Magazine, Fast Company, and more. Please feel free to reach out if you would like to connect!

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