Mom Crossdresses Son

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Published May 27, 1998 5:10PM (EDT)

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M y son is a cross-dresser. Most mornings he gets up, puts on a hand-me-down dress stolen from his sister, wraps an old white pillowcase around his head with a ribbon (his "long blond hair") and prances around singing, "The hills are alive with the sound of music." My son is 3 and a half years old.
At the toy store, he does not want Batman. "I want a Batgirl doll," he cries. When he begs to play with his friend Margo, it is not because he likes her better than his best friends Billy and Andrew; she just has more to offer -- like an extensive collection of Barbie dolls and a whole wardrobe of little clothes he can dress them in.
He loves preschool -- partly for the teachers, somewhat for the other children, but mostly for its wonderful selection of tutus, fancy party shoes and pretend jewelry. His grandmother (my mother) received the shock of her life when she went to pick him up one day and he was wearing a blue tutu with beaded gold slippers. The other mothers laugh and tell me he is such a thespian. The teacher tells my husband and me that he is "highly in touch with his feminine side."
If we only had to worry about preschool, life would be fine -- but his grandparents (on both sides), his aunts and uncles, his baby sitter and just about everybody else are up in arms. "Boys should be playing baseball, not Barbie," my mother-in-law exclaims. "I was so embarrassed," complains my mother after the harrowing tutu incident. "He keeps taking my daughter's Cinderella slippers!" my neighbor told my other neighbor who told me. The older siblings of his friends have called him an oddball, a weirdo and generally not normal. Adults tend to be more subtle with questions like: "So when do you think he will grow out of it?" or "How does your husband feel about it?"
I have tried to explain to each of them that my son approaches life with a unique flair. While he loves soccer, he often plays it wearing a silk cape that flutters in the wind when he runs. Playing with his cars takes on new dimensions when he acts out both the "damsel in distress" and the "sheriff to the rescue" role, alternating hats to represent each character. My husband can't wait for Little League to start because he sees a little slugger in our son who can already hit the ball out of our relatively large backyard. Our son also can't wait to play baseball, but for a different reason: He says that cleats "are just like tap shoes."
Thankfully his preschool teacher has assured us that he is simply "evolved." "I wish all of my children were as well-balanced as your little boy," she told us at our first parent-teacher conference. "I love the way he plays cowboys and Indians wearing his favorite ballet slippers." She credits our "nonjudgmental and accepting parenting" for his creative expression. Frankly, I was a little relieved. So he is not a weirdo -- he is "evolved." I wish I could take credit for this, but it is all of his own creation.
Interestingly, no one seems the least bit disturbed about our friend (I will call her Gillian). At 5 and a half years old, she refuses to wear dresses, plays T-ball and soccer and is proving quite skilled at climbing trees. She has more cuts and bruises as a result of roughhousing with her older brothers than my husband claims he ever received playing varsity college football. Gillian, I am told, is a tomboy. "Isn't she cute," a friend exclaimed to me when we were at Gillian's house for a Sunday barbecue. (My son was inside watching "Pocahontas" with two girls.) And my son is not cute when he dresses up and reenacts the glass slipper scene from "Cinderella"?
If Gillian is a tomboy because she likes to do boylike things, what then is my son who likes to do girl-like things -- a janegirl? As far as I can tell there is no equivalent in the English language (at least there is not one in my Webster's Dictionary). More important, there is no acceptable behavioral equivalent.
I have begun to ask myself what is normal? My son loves trucks, cars and trains. He plays for hours with his Brio train set while wearing his sister's striped dress. He is very affectionate and will frequently tell his friends he loves them with a hug. Last fall, during those terrible twos, he was accused of being a bully because he bit a girl at the playground. How can a child go from bully to sissy in a mere nine months?
I am coming to realize that while our sex-role stereotypes have expanded for girls, they have not for boys; there seems to be no acceptable cross-gender equivalent. A gay friend of mine claims all of the uproar is a homophobic response to my son's actions. "I remember loving to dress up and put on makeup, too," my friend tells me with a knowing glance. He is only 3 and a half years old, I remind my friend -- a little early to be defining his sexual preferences.
The feminist revolution appears to have successfully helped foster an environment that makes it "cool" to be a girl. Much research is being done to ensure that girls are encouraged to excel in math and science, overcome the repression of adolescence and, with luck, one day be more than tokens on boards of directors across the land. I am thrilled. Trust me; I have a 1-year-old daughter. I want her to understand and respect her power, her opportunity, her femaleness. But what about my son? I would like him to be able to respect his power, his opportunity and his maleness even as he explores his feminine side.
It's not just in my house that the days of "boys will be boys" are over. A few months ago, the Wall Street Journal ran an article that claimed prescriptions for Ritalin were at an all-time high and increasingly, boys are expected to be less rambunctious and more docile (that is, more girl-like). And a guest commentator on an NPR program about youth violence expressed concern that the rise in the births of boys would result in a coming "deluge of testosterone-laden young men" creating havoc in our society. My mind reels: Is the conclusion that a 3-and-a-half-year-old should be more like a boy but a 12-year-old should be more like a girl?
I have to admit, sometimes I am embarrassed by my son's behavior. His declaration to my father-in-law that he wants to be a ballet dancer when he grows up almost created a family feud. When the father of one of his preschool classmates unintentionally called him a girl (he was wearing the favorite blue tutu, mind you), I cringed just a little. And I am often confused about the messages I'm sending him. I don't mind if he wants to wear lipstick to a birthday party -- "Mom, you wear lipstick when you dress up!" he reminds me -- but how do I protect him from the inevitable taunting that will occur as he ages?
I come back to my original question: what is normal? Sadly, my husband and I are learning all too early that the constraints of normality are very narrow indeed. Happily, my son, who at the moment is pretending to be Belle from "Beauty and the Beast," adorned with his favorite pearl necklace and earring ensemble I gave him for his birthday, does not yet know this. With luck and a little parental intervention, he won't for a very long time.
Lisen Stromberg lives in the Bay Area.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Published: 20:04 BST, 30 October 2015 | Updated: 16:23 BST, 1 February 2016
The mother of a gender nonconforming son is showing off nine years worth of his elaborate Halloween costumes in a thoughtful blog post in which she shares her child's love of girl's clothing.
Lori Duron, of Orange County, California, says that her eight-year-old son C.J. 'wants to be treated like a girl', which is 'most apparent to outsiders during trick-or-treat season'.
In a series of chronological pictures posted on Yahoo Parenting , C.J. is seen dressed as a car hop girl from a dinner this year, Elle Woods, Reese Witherspoon's character from Legally Blonde, in 2014, Alice in Wonderland in 2013, as well as some male-inspired costumes from when he was a toddler.
Individuality: Lori Duron, 42, or California, is sharing nine years' worth of images of her gender nonconforming son, eight-year-old C.J., dressing up for Halloween. This year, he's going as a car hop girl from a diner
Proud mom: Lori (pictured) writes about riaisng her gender nonconforming son in a memoir titled, Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son
'For my husband and I, Halloween is a time when we’re reminded of how we’ve evolved as parents and the important lessons our son’s Halloweens have taught us,' Lori shares.
'A look back at his costumes over the years reminds me of how much we’ve learned about parenting: Why would we limit our children to pink to blue, when they may be happier and healthier being more colorful?' she says.
The first photo in the series shows an eight-month-old C.J. dressed in an adorable monkey costume with a banana sticking out of his head.
'My favorite Halloweens were the ones when our two sons were little and I put them in costumes that were purely for my amusement,' she says of the sweet snap.
2007: Lori dressed C.J. in this adorable monkey costume when he was eight-months-old
2008: The mother-of-two had her son don a Robin Hood costume when he was a little more than one-year-old
2009: When he was two, Lori dressed C.J. up as a police officer, just like his dad (pictured above)
When he was one, Lori dressed C.J. as Robin Hood, with a green shirt and pants, fringed brown moccasins, and a velvet cap.
The following year, the mom dressed her two-year-old son as a police officer, just like his father. In a cute shot, he's seen holding hands with his dad, who is also in uniform.
'I sensed it would be the last year I’d get to pick his Halloween getup. The next year he’d be three, and would surely have stronger opinions of his own,' she reveals.
In 2009, Lori 'panicked' when C.J. told her that he wanted to dress up as Snow White for Halloween.
'What would people think, say, or do if I let my son dress up like a girl for Halloween?' she says, explaining: 'When a little girl puts on a superhero costume she gets cheers for being strong and empowered, but when a little boy puts on a dress he gets laughed at for being weak and a sissy.'
2010: When C.J. was three, he told his mom he wanted to be Snow White, but she was scared he would be bullied for dressing up as a girl. Instead, she had him wear this skeleton costume, which he was sad about
2011: At age four, it became clear to Lori that her son was gender nonconforming and wanted to be treated as a girl. That year, C.J. dressed as Frankie Stein, the teenage daughter of Frankenstein from Monster High
2012: In kindergarten, Lori's son dressed as a fairy for the holiday, continuing to embrace his true identity
2013: When he was seven, C.J. donned make-up and an Alice in Wonderland costume from Tim Burton's animated movie. Lori said her son looked like a 'beautiful girl' in the outfit
Lori reveals that she showed her toddler son pictures of boy's costumes on a popular retailer's website, saying: 'I tricked my son into thinking those costumes were his only options. I hid half of the world - the pink world - from him and felt guilty about it.'
She says she did so in order to 'protect' C.J. from people's 'shame and judgement', and thought that at the time she was doing the right thing.
Her son ended up wearing a skeleton costume and black-and-white make-up, but he was 'disappointed' in the costume, says Lori, who adds that she was also 'disappointed' in her parenting.
When he was four, Lori and her husband had a revelation about their son.
'That year, we learned that C.J. is gender nonconforming - an official way of saying he’s a boy who only likes girl things and wants to be treated like a girl - and that children come to us with their gender identity intact,' she says.
2014: At age seven, C.J. dressed as Elle Woods, Reese Witherspoon's character from Legally Blonde. He told his friends at school he was going to be a 'lawyer' because he wanted to keep his costume private
Lori goes on to share: 'As parents, we could make him miserable by trying to change his gender identity or we could love and support him and do our best to make him feel accepted, celebrated, happy, and confident.'
She says that from that point on, she would let C.J. dress as he wanted for Halloween. That year, he chose to be Frankie Stein, the teenage daughter of Frankenstein from Monster High.
In 2013, Lori Raising released a memoir about her son titled, Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son. She also writes about son parenting experiences on her blog, Raising My Rainbow .
In kindergarten, Lori's son dressed as a fairy for the holiday, continuing to embrace his true identity.
When he was seven, C.J. donned make-up and an Alice in Wonderland costume from Tim Burton's animated movie.
2015: C.J., now eight years old, is donning a car hop girl costume and spooky-looking make-up for Halloween this year
'When I looked at the pictures of C.J. in his costume, it caught me off guard to see what a beautiful girl my son had become,' she shares.
The following year, he dressed as Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, but wouldn't reveal his costume to anyone at school beforehand, and just told them he was going to be a lawyer.
Now, at age eight, C.J. is donning a car hop girl costume and spooky-looking make-up.
And it's not only on Halloween that he dons girls' clothing. C.J., who keeps his hair at shoulder length, wears girls' boots, skirts, and other items on a regular basis.
Lori's eldest son, Chase, 10, recently felt compelled to come out to her as straight given his brother's identity as a girl.
Lori says she's proud of her son's individuality, sharing: 'When you aren’t blinded by worry and the fear of shame, your unique kid can amaze you with their creativity, courage and commitment to being totally authentic.'
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Published by Associated Newspapers Ltd
Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group

Mariette Pathy Allen has been photographing the transgender and crossdressing community for nearly 40 years. But her career focus started by accident.
Beth and her husband, Rita, near Boston.
It was the last day of Mardi Gras in 1978 and Allen found herself dining alone in her New Orleans hotel for breakfast. A group of crossdressers seated nearby invited Allen to join them. A meal turned into a morning lounging by the pool, where the photographer picked up her camera.
"When I lifted my camera to my eyes, I found myself looking straight into the eyes of a crossdresser who was in the middle of the group," she wrote in an email interview. "As I took the picture, I felt that I wasn't looking at a man or a woman, but the essence of a human being, and I said to myself, 'I have to have this person in my life.'"
Through the 1980s and the decades to follow, Allen, who lives in New York, would crisscross the country, attending conferences, participating in radio and TV shows, and slowly seeking out and getting to know crossdressers, and then transgender people. Allen was not only a photographer, but an advocate for a maligned and misunderstood community.
"Many people I met at that time thought they were the only person in the world that was 'that way,'" Allen said. "Some thought they were crazy and bad, guilty, unworthy. When/if they told their wives, many marriages ended in divorce. There were many debates about telling their children, and if yes, at what age. They lost their church communities if the church knew, and kept everything to do with their jobs secret."
Allen used her lens to reflect a more accurate reality — a positive, beautiful, even celebratory picture of a person who had finally found herself. This was no small task. For Allen to ask crossdressers or trans people to step out so publicly was a matter of trust, which Allen was dedicated to gain.
In 1990, Allen published Transformations: Crossdressers and Those Who Love Them , a photography book documenting her decade of travels within this community and th
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