Mom And Daughter S Friend

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Freelance Journalist & Psychologist
07/24/2010 04:49pm EDT | Updated November 17, 2011
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A recent article in the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chozick, How Parents Became Cool, describes the parental paradigm shift (as seen on TV) from loving but firm (think: The Brady Bunch) to best friends (think: Pretty Little Liars). We've all heard stories of (and some of us have witnessed up close) moms who are trying so desperately to be cool that they opt for the role of BFFs to their daughters instead of moms. It's an easy line to cross; after all, every woman wants another friend---and moms, especially, want to connect with their teens and tweens and not be thought of as old hags. But can a mother be a daughter's best friend?
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Apropos of Mother's Day, I asked my colleagues, Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer, authors of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship (Berkley, 2009) to address that question in a guest post. Here is what Gordon and Shaffer had to say:
There is an old Chinese proverb that states "One Generation plants the trees; another gets the shade," and this is how it should be with mothers and daughters. The intimate nature of the relationship between a mother and daughter is sometimes confusing. If close, the relationship can simulate friendship through the familiar characteristics of empathy, listening, loyalty, and caring. However, the mother/daughter relationship has unique characteristics that distinguish it from a best friendship. These characteristics include a mother's role as primary emotional caretaker, a lack of reciprocity, and a hierarchy of responsibility. This hierarchy, combined with unconditional love, precludes mothers and daughters from being best friends.

Because the essential ingredient for friendship is equality and there is always an imbalance when one person in the twosome is the parent of the other, mothers and daughters naturally can't be best friends. Marina, 27 years old says, "I love spending time with my mom, but I wouldn't consider her my best friend. She's MY MOM. Best friends don't pay for the dress you covet in a trendy clothing store that you wouldn't pay for yourself. Best friends don't pay for your wedding. Best friends don't remind you how they carried you in their body and gave you life, and sometime gas! Best friends don't tell you how wise they are and trump your opinion because they have been alive at least 20 years longer than you. I love my mom, and I want her to remain a mom."
This doesn't mean that the mother/daughter relationship can't be very close and satisfying. While some adult relationships are still troubled, many find them to be extremely rewarding. So many moms spoke to us about how happy they are to be finished with the "eye rolling" and look from their adolescent daughters, a look that says, "You must come from a different evolutionary chain than me." Daughters also adopted the famous Mark Twain quote about aging, with some slight alterations, and their feelings about their mothers. Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy (girl) of 14, my father (mother) was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man (woman) around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man (woman) had learned in seven years."

This generation of mothers and adult daughters has a lot in common which increases the likelihood of shared companionship. Mothers and daughters have always shared the common experience of being homemakers, responsible for maintaining and passing on family values, traditions, and rituals. Today contemporary mothers and daughters also share the experience of the workforce, technology and lack of a generation gap, which may bring them even closer together.

Best friends may or may not continue to be best friends, but for better or worse, the mother and daughter relationship is permanent, even if for some unfortunate reason they aren't' speaking. The mother and child relationship is, therefore, more intimate and more intense than any other. As long as that hierarchy exists, it's not an equal relationship. Daughters should not feel responsible for their mother's emotional well-being. Not that they don't care deeply about their mothers, it's just that they shouldn't be burdened with their mother's well being. As one mother said to her daughter, "I would gladly dive under a bus for you and there is no way that I'm diving under a bus for my friends." Her daughter responded, "And I'd gladly let you dive under the bus to save me!"
The mother/daughter relationship is so much more comprehensive than a best friendship. It's a relationship that is not replaceable by any other. This unique bond doesn't mean that when daughters mature they can't assume more responsibilities and give back to their mothers, but it's never equal and it's not supposed to be. Mothers never stop being mothers, which includes frequently wanting to protect their daughters and often feeling responsible for their happiness. Mother always "trumps" friend.
For a chance to win your own copy of Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today's Mother-Daughter Relationship, post your own comments to the question: Can a daughter be a mother's best friend? on www.TheFriendshipBlog.com/ Be sure to include your email address so if you are chosen, I can contact you for your snail mail address.
Winners will be selected at random from all entries received by 11:59 PM on Tuesday, May 11, 2010. U.S. shipping addresses only, please.

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Place A Bag On Your Car Mirror When Traveling
Carpooling can be a blessing and a curse. While it’s great to have other parents to depend on (and parents who can depend on you) to take the kids to and from school, activities and other events, it sometimes means … dealing with other parents, kids, and rules. Such is the case with a mom who took to Reddit wondering if she’s wrong for implementing a simple rule for the two kids that she drives to school along with her pre-teen daughter.
User SafeTaro explains on the Reddit forum Am I The Asshole? that her 12-year-old daughter, who has always struggled to make friends, found a friend in “Danielle” last year. “To me, Danielle was a little bossy and … obsessed with making my daughter popular but I figured she was just trying to help. And she was nice,” explains the original poster (OP). “When the schools reopened, Danielle’s mom asked me if I wanted to carpool. She’d drive the kids in the morning and I’d pick them up along with Danielle’s older brother (14). I agreed.”
The arrangement worked well at first, but one constant struggle was getting Danielle and her brother to wear their seat belts. “This is a no argument situation for me, kid or adult, you’re wearing a seatbelt. The kids constantly complained and would take them off. I talked to their mom and she kind of shrugged it off.”
Things came to a head after OP stopped at the post office one day before driving Danielle and her brother home. When she returned to the car, the kids had removed their seatbelts and refused to put them back on. After calling their parents (who didn’t pick up their phones), the OP’s daughter begged her mom to “just drive” — but she kept the car parked for 45 minutes (!) until the two kids finally put on their seatbelts.
“Their mom calls me, mad,” the OP explains. “She said I made her son late for a soccer game. I said he wouldn’t have been if he just wore his seatbelt. She told me I’m not their mom, so I don’t get to control them. I said if they’re in my car, they follow my rules. It all ended with us agreeing to stop the carpool arrangement. We finished the school year driving our own kids to school.”
Now, everyone is mad at the OP. Danielle’s mom won’t allow the girls to be friends until the OP apologizes to the kids. “I refuse. I did nothing wrong.” The OP’s daughter is upset because Danielle is one of her few friends. Even the OP’s husband thinks she “should fake an apology so our daughter can keep her friend. I don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not setting an example that they can do whatever at my house and I won’t say anything. My daughter is hurt and furious, currently not speaking with me.”
Whoa. We’re firmly #TeamSeatbelt here. We’re also firmly in favor of kids who respect reasonable rules in other people’s homes and vehicles — especially when that “rule” is actually the law. As for the mom who’s okay with her kids not wearing seatbelts and acting this way and actually being mad at the OP? Shaking our damn heads.
Reddit commenters agree: LadyTallPants says the OP is Not The Asshole for insisting the kids wear their seatbelts. “I think I would die on this mountain too. What kind of people set an example for their children that 1) its ok to not wear a seat belt and 2) its ok to argue with another adult like that for 45 minutes. NTA. Your daughter might not realize it now, but you may have helped her dodge a bullet.”
Another commenter HabitatGreen summed it up here: “Seat belts save lives, and not just your own. It has happened before that several people died in a car crash where everyone could have lived if that one person was wearing a seat belt like the others in the car.”
Seriously. Seatbelts save lives and wearing one is such a simple action that can save many people from lots of trouble, and most of all, heartache.
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Mom And Daughter S Friend