Molested Orgasm

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The Secret About My Abuse I Was Too Ashamed To Tell

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The Secret About My Abuse I Was Too Ashamed To Tell
Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse | Incest
When I first started opening up about my childhood sexual abuse, I felt like I was carrying a deep dark secret that made me different from other survivors. It was the part of my story I always skipped over when talking about my abuse—something I could barely admit to myself, let alone anyone else. It was the fact that my body responded to the sexual abuse I received as a young child.
When my abuse first began, he would perform oral sex on me (when I had no idea what that was or that it was wrong) and then he would tell me I had to do the same for him. Every time I didn’t want to do one of the disgusting things he requested, he reminded me that he had done the thing that felt good to me, so I had to return the favor.
I learned to hate myself and my body, and I blamed myself for the abuse. I thought I must have just been an over sexual kid and brought it on myself.
But in reality, I never asked to be sexually stimulated, or for the “responsibility” he placed on me of pleasuring him in return. The fact is, the human body is made to respond to sexual stimulation, and my body was designed just like adult —with one important difference. As a child, I was supposed to be allowed to go through a natural process of maturating and discovering sexuality on my own. Unfortunately, my abuser interfered with that process.
Thankfully, now I know that although they are rarely talked about, sexual stimulation and even orgasm are extremely common during rape and abuse, and it doesn’t mean that I wanted it or enjoyed it and it didn’t make my abuse any less traumatic. Through my healing, I’ve come to see how my abuser manipulated my body as a way to manipulate my mind and keep me submissive to his abuse.
Now as an adult I can clearly see that it wasn’t my fault that I was abused, or that my body responded to the abuse. And since opening up about my experience, I’ve found that I’m far from alone. I for one won’t stay silent anymore. I don’t have to be ashamed about my abuse and I won’t keep it secret ever again.
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Jennifer Stuck is whole-heartedly pursuing physical and emotional health and is determined to heal the wounds of her childhood sexual abuse. She loves to write, especially poetry. She is currently studying for a career in Physical Therapy. When she isn’t in school Jennifer is at home spending time with her two beautiful daughters.
THANK YOU SO MUCH JENN…..THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME I ALSO ADMIT I FLET STIMUATED… OMG… I ALSO NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS UNTIL MUCH LATER IN AGE..I …NEVER ADMITED THIS TO MYSELF UNTIL NOW
SICK TO MY STOMACH WANT TO JUST GO AND HIDE UNDER A ROCK
Wow Jen, what a powerful blog. I know this will help many to overcome the shame of the fact that their bodies may have responded to abuse. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this openly. Learning to accept our bodies and the natural way that our bodies are designed to function can help so much in overcoming the aversion to anything that appears to be sexual in nature. I know even as a young child, I had a curiosity about sexual things that came much sooner that I was prepared for because of my abuse. I always felt guilty for thinking about anything sexual.
when i was about 7 or 8 i was caught offering two brothers from up the road a chance to give me oral and i would do it to them, when i was taken home to my parents they jsut laughed and brushed it off as a joke. i have always wonder what made me ask these boys to give me those feelings as i wasnt getting them somewhere else, and if that was the case who did it to me 1st? also i ahve always wondered about my parents reaction, especially as they had both had bad experiences whith their fathers liking little kids. anotherset of boxes that i carnt yet access. now i try ot to think about the whys or wherefores of that day as i dont have enough other memories to put it into any context, and until i have i cannot change what has happened so im not goning to beat myself up over it til i do
Exactly Linda, and that guilt about having sexual feelings as a child led to guilt about sex as an adult. Before I faced this part of my abuse, I found myself battling guilt just to have sex with my husband! In the past I didn’t realize the source of my uncomfortable feelings and it caused a lot of tension on my marriage. My husband thought I was frustrated with him, when I was really battling issues from my past abuse. It’s helped so much to be open about this and face this issue head on. Now that I don’t have such much guilt surrounding my childhood sexual abuse, it’s freed me up to enjoy my sex life more now as an adult.
Carol, there have been a lot of things about my past that I didn’t have direct memories of, but I did have enough clues to make sense of them anyway. What you mentioned you said to those boys is a huge clue that you did have someone do that to you already. Children that young don’t just think to offer oral sex on their own. It just doesn’t happen without prior abuse. And your parents non-reaction is another clue. Even if they didn’t abuse you, their overly relaxed attitudes left you vulnerable to sexual advances from other predators. I certainly think you have enough info to start healing from this. You know that something happened to put those thoughts in your head and you know it caused you to try to act out as a child. How do you feel about that? One thing that’s been important for me is to work through the shame I carried for how I reacted to my abuse. Is that something you think you could work on without the full memories? The shame and emotions are still there, whether the details of the memory are present of not.
Deb, that’s a huge step! How do you feel to admit that? I know these memories can be painful to work though, but for me it’s also been very freeing.
Jennifer, Thank you so much for sharing this. This is what really stood out to me: ” I’ve come to see how my abuser manipulated my body as a way to manipulate my mind and keep me submissive to his abuse.” Exactly! My dad didn’t stimulate me for MY benefit– it was for HIS benefit!!! It made me feel like a participant rather than a victim, which helped him control me more effectively. That one little fact made me see myself as a dirty little whore my whole life until I finally saw the truth. Hugs, Christina
I’m sorry Deb, that’s pretty much how it made me feel to think about at first too. But the pain wore off, and then I was able to look at how this part of my abuse has effected my life and my self image. Hopefully you can take some time to yourself today while you work through these feelings. ((Hugs))
jen, when i think about it , it almost liek it happened to another person, i feel nothing but nosiness as to why i would do this or that. i still so shut off from the emotions of my childhood, im not sure whether it that my mind is holding me back until the last grandfather dies, as my own father threatened to stab his own father infront of me if he ever found out he had touched me in the way he had touche dother girls. so my father knew what my grandfathers were capable off so i buried it and now i think it has the inbuilt extra stress of my dad acting out his threat. not that he would now in the present hells bells the old man is 94 i think, but none of us have any contact with unless he contacts my own father. gets complicated as my dad called his dad ‘the old man’ and as i grew up i adopted that name for my own father and not my grandfather. another thing that muddys the waters. ooo it all so screwed up that i just dont attach emotion to it cos im never sure which ones i should be using. mmmm did the head healing not the heart healing first and now im struggling to connect the two
Thank you so much again Jen! That was very moving for me, and made me also feel less alone. I had a very hard time admitting to anyone, even myself, that I was stimulated and my body responded to the abuse. Admitting that first was a huge step, but then admitting to myself that it is normal for that to have happened because my body was only responding to the actions being done to me. It wasn’t because I liked it, enjoyed it, or wanted it; it was only a sensory response. It was so freeing to be able to say that, but most of all to believe it. Doing that removed even more chains that connected me to my abuser metaphysically, and then allowed me to be able to enjoy the sexual relationship my husband and I share along with every other part of it.
Hi Jennifer I can relate to this story so much. I was molested in my sleep when I was a teen and my body responded. It terrified me and I thought that my body had betrayed me and that it’s response was “proof”” that somehow I had consented and even contributed to the assualt. That it “proved” my guilt and shame. I was mixed up and messed up about that for many many years. I lived in fear of “somehow attracting it again” because of my belief that my body should not have responded. This is such an important message! . Great article. Hugs, Darlene
Now, as I am going through this healing process I am not able to be sexually active at all. In fact, right now, if I never had sex again I would be quite OK about it. My journey was sparked by a huge physical reaction to lovemaking with my husband – and from there it has been a helluva trip. This was hugely helpful to me. I have been trying to work out why I react in particular ways at times – and had begun to suspect this might be something that I experienced in my past. I have very few cognitive memories of my abuse – but actually the gaps are now speaking volumes. I have certainly not brought it up in therapy, nor spoken it out loud to myself, and feel sick and horror at the very idea – but I think my body is telling me so much. As I have gone through the last months I have recognised that pain and pleasure are somewhat confused for me – and actually I have been aware of that for quite a long time – things that used to be pleasurable have become painful and to be avoided at all costs. At the same time I have an internal dialogue “what are you doing? This is OK, its nice” but the physical reaction is stronger and I can’t resiste/overide it. Actually, I don’t think I should try to; going with it is, I believe, what needs to happen right now, in order that I can explore the past and heal it. It frightens me some – I know I was punished by my mother for behaving in a sexual way as a young child . Writing this is strange, I don’t know what I feel – and I don’t know what I shall do now….in therapy or with my husband. I don’t think I am quite ready to verbalise it yet, and it scares to me to think I will blurt it out. For now, all I can do is breathe – and accept that I will discose this too, when I feel safe and ready. Thank you so much for helping me with this……
Wow Jen- thanx for digging deep and sharing that…. Remember how Lynda Robinson-Stepnowski talks about how PTSD is the NORMAL response to trauma as bleeding is the NORMAL response to being cut? I would think that your innocent response was the NORMAL response to stimulation. I pray that you are free from any guilt you felt from that. blessings and hugs, m
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is the part of my sexual abuse that I have had the most difficult time accepting and overcoming, especially when I get flashbacks from my abuse during a sexual encounter that I am having as an adult. Now, 3 weeks after a divorce, which I am certain has a certain amount to do with the symptoms of abuse that I am trying to overcome, my heart is breaking. When I was younger, I promised myself that I would never allow what happened to me to get in the way of me living a fruitful life. Looking back, I realize that I was not strong enough then nor am I now to be making such promises to myself. Where things currently stand, I am now absolutely afraid of any sexual encounters, for fear that I am not a whole enough person to yet have a healthy intimate relationship.
Suzee, I’m glad reading this made you feel less alone. That’s great that you were able to realize all that.Thanks for commenting!
Darlene, isn’t it crazy how the cause and effects get mixed up here? The abuse caused us to be stimulated. Without the abuse there would have been no stimulation, but somehow we blame ourselves for causing the abuse because of how we reacted to it. It’s so backwards! But that just goes to show how much abusers can manipulate an innocent child’s thinking. Making us blame ourselves for something we had no control over.
Isn’t it amazing the horrible, sinful things parents can do to their children? I suffered abuse for two years, and lived as a survivor/victim another 37 years before I told anyone. My father did things that shouldn’t happen to any human, let alone your own son or daughter! I wish I would’ve had the courage earlier to speak up, but it is what it is. Be strong in what you are doing for yourself and thanks for sharing.
Libby, that’s great that you’re so aware of what you’re body is telling you. I can very much relate to your comment. When I was dealing with all this part of my abuse, sex was the last thing on my mind. It really freaked me out when I was with my husband and I had memories come up of my abuse. It’s normal for sex to bring up flashbacks, but because there was stimulation during my abuse, I almost felt like I was fantasizing about my abuse when I had the flashback – which felt horribly wrong. But I couldn’t get those thoughts to stop coming up. I would end up getting so uncomfortable that I’d push my husband off me in the middle of sex. Needless to say this created a lot of issues because he thought I was upset with him. Thankfully I did a lot of reading and reached out to other survivors, and I found out that I’m far from alone in this. I learned that there was nothing wrong with me for having flashbacks. It didn’t mean that I enjoyed the abuse or was fantasizing about it. When I worked through the guilt I had about my abuse and how my body reacted, the flashbacks stopped and I was able to enjoy a healthy sex life again.
Maribeth, exactly! Responding to sexual touch is as natural as bleeding when you are cut. The abuse was the unnatural thing.
Amanda, I don’t think it’s weak of you to not be fully healed from your abuse. In fact I think it shows great strength and maturity that you are working so hard on yourself and recognize that you might be better to wait till later in your healing to start another relationship. I know certain aspects of my healing would have probably been easier without the pressure of a relationship. I hope when you do meet someone again you can apply everything you’ve been learning and start fresh with someone who respects you. Thanks for commenting!
Mike, thanks for commenting! I’m so sorry that you’re father did that to you. Any abuse is horrible, but it is particularly hard for me to wrap my head around anyone doing those things to their own child. You deserved love and nurturing, not pain and abuse. Good for you for speaking out, it’s never too late to heal.
It makes me want to run away and hide, it’s a really icky feeling, it’s always felt like my body betrayed me, how could my body enjoy something that I was hating so much? So much shame and confusion.
Fi, that’s a very understandable way to feel. Do you think that’s an emotion you felt during your abuse too? Like you just wanted to run away and hide, but that wasn’t an option. Its good to feel and process all those feelings that we weren’t able to deal with back then. It helps me to remember that my body’s didn’t betray me, my abuser betrayed by body, and it responded exactly how it was designed to respond to touch. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t yours either.
Hi Jennifer, yes, so many times I wished I could run away and hide and never ever be found by them. But there was nowhere for me to run and hide except inside me so I guess I internalised everything including the really icky feelings about how my body responded as further evidence of how bad I was. It’s good to realise that my body responded the way it was made to and that the betrayer was never my body but my abusers.
What a heavy load for you have had to carry…..and what great courage you have to come forward with the truth. In trying to make a point with a male friend of mine regarding things that happen to us that we can’t help, a few years ago I asked him to lay down, close his eyes and imagine the best oral sex he ever had. I then described it in perfect detail. I could tell he was enjoying the picture. Then, I said, “how would you feel if you opened your eyes and discovered it was another male. My friend became very angry at me. It might have felt as if I were playing a head game with him but I was trying to show him that our bodies respond to certain stimuli whether we like it or not. If you are a young child or even a teenager and someone does something to your body that is automatically set up to respond to that stimuli you can’t help that. It is a natural response. The shame and guilt of the action lies not with the recipient but rather with the perpetrator who not only damaged our bodies but damaged parts of our mind and our soul. May the remainder of your life be serene and joyful. May all the negative things done to our bodies be thrown away from our minds and all that enters in is light and truth.
I have yet to figure out a way to undo the hatred of my body and the sexual parts… Long road but I hope to one day too be able to feel comfortbale in my body and what I feel and take pleasure in… *hugs*
Thank you so much for this courageous post. The same shame kept me from getting the healing I needed for many years. One thing that I have learned is that most abusers work hard to make the abuse physically pleasurable for child victims. It is one of their ways of rationalizing…”she/he seemed to like it.”…..”I wasn’t hurting him/her.” As Oprah is fond of saying, so what if I liked it, physically? So what, if I even returned for more? If an abuser is any good at abusing, it’s going to be physically pleasing. That reality in no way changes what it is. It is a violation. It is rape. I love your line “As a child, I was supposed to be allowed to go through a natural process of maturating and discovering sexuality on my own. Unfortunately, my abuser interfered with that process.” Thank you.
This is wonderful Jennifer. I wish I could believe I would be able to heal completely from my abuse. I know, logically, that what my body did, how it responded, was not my fault and yet I still cannot allow myself to relax, breath & enjoy sex. I doubt I ever will. It isn’t guilt or shame holding me back but something else, something deep inside. I’ve been married for many, many years, I’m well into my 50’s and I’ve reached a point of giving up. We’ve tried every avenue including couples sex therapy (she told me
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