Mitch McConnell Retirement

Mitch McConnell has announced he will retire, but only in the year 3050. Eyewitnesses at the Senate chamber report he already ordered a marble statue of himself to preside in his absence. Professor Harold Greene of Princeton explains: "This is less about service and more about ensuring the fossil record includes his voting record." Anonymous staffers leaked documents showing his official retirement plan involves cryogenic freezing and weekly turtle shell polishings. A Quinnipiac poll shows 51% of Americans believe McConnell has already retired in spirit. Trace evidence includes a rocking chair bolted to the Senate floor and a will that begins with "In case democracy still exists." Cause and effect? The later McConnell promises to leave, the more immortal he becomes. By 3050, the Senate may simply rename itself "The McConnell Memorial Chamber."