Mistress While
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Mistress While
10 Inevitable Things That Happen When You're A Mistress
Photo: Kate Kultsevych / shutterstock.com
By Callie C. — Written on Oct 14, 2021
Having spent over three years of my life hopelessly in love with someone who I was absolutely certain was my destined partner, I have come to realize some very important things about marginal versus true love.
If you've ever wondered what being a mistress is like, realize that this can happen to anyone.
I was an executive living in a sophisticated city. After many years of being single, I decided to focus on finding my perfect man. I wrote a fantasy list about what he might be like. A few months later, we met.
We had known each other in high school and were serendipitously reunited decades later by a technical fluke on LinkedIn. We had a harmless drink together while I was on a business trip. Drinks became dinner, with much laughter and reminiscing. It was love at first sight. Fate.
He never discussed his wife in the beginning. He had been married for almost 20 years. I never expected to become his mistress...
I ignored all the statistics and articles about affairs, rationalized my religious upbringing, and compromised every moral fiber in my body. It felt like everything I had held out for my entire life led to that one moment: when my dream guy told me of his definite plan to begin our new life together.
All the heartache seemed worthwhile until he disappeared without a word for weeks afterward.
In the end, it was all about selfishness, obsession, and greed on his part. A textbook cliché and a terrible mistake in hindsight, but when you are in your very first love bubble, you are completely irrational and absolutely blind.
There is no emotion on earth more powerful than falling deeply in love after waiting your whole life for "the one," your perfect match.
However, the bottom line is that the vast majority of the time, married men will not leave their wives , and they definitely won't leave their children or fortunes. If they do leave, statistics of success are unfavorable.
He may even admit it, and you will think it's just temporary as he is "in transition," but this disrespectful behavior will continue.
He will do what he needs to in order to keep the peace at home. After all, "it's complicated."
You may be his perfect "baby doll" and new best friend, but she's the mother of his children. That bond and history are like cement, especially if she's loyal and still loves him.
She controls the mood in the home and the happiness of his kids. He will not risk disruption of his children's development; they are his proudest achievement.
He will squeeze you in around agendas at work and precious moments with his family to make you feel important.
He will give you just enough charming calls, sexy texts, expensive dinners out, token gifts, cards and I love you's to keep you in tow for months, making you forget you are only on the sidelines of his life, not in the core.
He may even be bold enough to keep a corporate condo with you in an urban location so that he can have the best of both worlds. You might relocate your career for him thinking he's truly committed to you.
You will forget as you play "house" that you are just the mistress, not the Mrs . You have no rights to anything.
You will feel lonely as he spoils his family on birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, long weekends, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. You may receive untraceable or consumable gifts in lieu of real time together.
Family vacations or excursions with his wife (if he even tells you about them) will be torturous as you are reminded you are nothing more than a secret.
You try harder to make him see what he has been missing when you welcome him back home. He will reinforce how much he's in love with you from the distance and time apart, and that he will tell his wife soon, so you stay.
You will eventually avoid interacting with certain friends and family as time in the affair bubble goes on, and it becomes harder and harder to lie to them about your dating situation. Why is a great girl like you still single? Have you met anyone? Are you being too picky?
You begin to question how "great" you really are for getting into such a shameful situation. But you have his keys, credit card numbers, passwords, and secrets.
You have come this far; surely he cannot live in duality for much longer. Life is about taking risks, especially for true love, right? Wrong.
If you think this is the first time he has stepped out of his marriage, think again. Embezzlers steal small amounts of money before they move up to stealing millions. Men cheat in different ways before they become comfortable with full-fledged affairs.
You might actually believe your situation is different and that you are special. You will waste valuable time waiting for a commitment that will never materialize.
Instead, you could be giving your heart to someone who includes you in his whole life, not just on the shady sidelines.
If you attempt to end the affair, he will let you go every time because he doesn't want to be "your gravity" in holding you back.
He will manipulate you with his tears, love letters, roses, and heart-wrenching voice messages. There will be more empty promises that he will finally talk to his wife, but know this: he will never leave her, his kids, or his money.
If you try to give him space to work on his marriage he may become concerned about your long-term loyalty. You return to him, hoping to prove you will be there when he leaves her. This situation is making you absolutely miserable when you are apart.
You beg him to tell his wife — she deserves to know! Your mood will become more volatile as you think of her at home waiting for him, innocent and unsuspecting. You want him to make the right choice without pressure.
This is just not right and you know it, yet you protect him anyway. Questioning him only upsets him, so you hide the pain and try not to complain.
Over time, your guilty subconscious mind may develop several anxiety-related conditions as you struggle with the duplicity of the affair. Somewhere along the line, that confident, intelligent woman disappeared. You won't recognize who you have become.
You'll feel trapped. You are truly in love with him and cannot be with anyone else, but he's not being loyal to you. He might suggest that you date other men (with a warning not to bring anything back) if your devotion becomes too much for him when his wife needs him at home.
A part of you will die every time you compromise and return to him when he says he can't live without you. Yet, in the end, he definitely can.
You will feel used and cheap when he finally tells you things "really aren't that bad" and that he "cannot reconcile" you with his obligations at home. You now know that he values his safe, predictable, wealthy lifestyle far more than living an open, honest new life with you.
Mistresses are like diamonds: sparkly, beautiful, and only worn for certain occasions. Wives are like water: needed every day to sustain the well-being of his family, relatives, financial and social status.
Wives are part of the core. Mistresses are marginal. Both women are kept in the dark.
You finally pack up and walk out the door for good, realizing this situation is like an infinity circle making you unfocused in all areas of your life. You are on the road to healing but be warned: Once a married man cheats, he's very likely to do it again .
He may complain to you he's sexually frustrated and lonely as you stand your ground and send him back to his wife. He may even claim he made a mistake by letting you go.
You want him to make an honest woman out of you, so you remain resolute. You cry hard because you miss him so much.
You have just one small ounce of hope left for a future together, but the void of frequent sex and attention will not work for him. Be prepared to find out one day he has slyly moved on to someone even more of a fool than you were. He may hint he "plans on staying young for a long time" and that he feels sorry for you.
If he's willing to abuse his position of power at work, his new trustworthy target will likely be an ambitious, amorous, and naive young girl who he can mentor, promote, and travel with undetected on the company tab.
His guilt, if any, will be short-lived for wasting your time should you happen to find him out. After all, you were a part of it and you knew what you were getting into. Don't be surprised if your thoughtful gifts are thrown away and you are completely ignored while his new playmate feeds his ego.
After enough time spent being a mistress, suddenly, you will realize with full force and momentous magnitude that you have wasted years of your life for literally... nothing.
You will be paralyzed with shock and in complete disbelief that the man who was once so crazy in love with you replaced you in a New York minute.
Your relationship was nothing more than a pattern of behavior, and not true love at all. Any beautiful memories of intimate moments you once cherished believing he stayed "for the kids" will be cheapened by his new affair choice.
You now know you were just a blip, a mere highlight in his life, while he was everything in yours. Unless you are blessed enough to meet a kind, honest, and patient man, your journey of recovery will be long.
Most friends will have little empathy for women like you. Some will quietly think you got what you deserved, while others will suddenly be very busy when you need that shoulder to cry on. You will be judged and alone.
The time it will take to redirect your derailed life may be much longer than the time you actually spent in the relationship. The memories will haunt you. The mental anguish and humiliation will age you.
Not one doctor will be able to diagnose the phantom pains in your body. You now realize this was never about "fate," but about choice.
My strong advice: Don't get involved with a married man for any reason. Leave him and never look back.
Remember: If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. It takes a special kind of "man" to look his wife in the eye, then tell her that he loves her while living a separate life with another woman.
He's a coward and a liar — a selfish, arrogant, duplicitous adulterer with no conscience who exploits genuine love and trust. He's not worth another moment of your precious time. Better never to have loved and lost, than ever to have loved him at all.
Callie C. is a writer who covers heartbreak and love.
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Home LifeStyle Gossip Don’t Mistake a Mistress For a Wife, She’s a Lover
Happily ever after is the dream of every couple. When a couple gets married, they are enveloped in love and bask in the happiness of marriage. As days, months, and years pass by, gradually, the love begins to wane. The love slowly wears away as familiarity becomes the order of the day.
With familiarity comes boredom which makes several activities come from a place of routine rather than genuine feelings. Lovemaking sessions become scarce and planned, rather than frequent and spontaneous. Husband and wife are in seek of new ways to get excited as they no longer excite each other.
As you can tell, morality is probably the only restriction keeping them from frolicking about with every source of excitement. After a while, it is definite that one or both partners want to taste of excitement outside the confines of marriage. Of course, this attempt may end up successful or in futility. The man, who naturally has a high libido, is in search of a woman that will satisfy his urges, filling in the gap for his wife. On the other hand, the woman seeks a younger man most of the time who not only satisfies her but makes her feel wanted and treats her like a queen.
To solve his problem, the man seeks a woman other than his wife who leads him into new streams of excitement. This woman is known as a mistress. According to the dictionary, a mistress is a woman who has a sexual relationship with a married man who isn’t his wife.
Asides offering her male partner sex whenever it is possible, the lady enjoys wining and dining along with other benefits. In some cases, she goes on trips, gets money to shop, and enjoys lots of attention. The good thing is that she doesn’t have to stress herself out playing wife or putting up with the man’s excesses. She’s not laden with watching football or other sport matches and she maintains her freedom.
There’s no need to sugarcoat the truth, being a mistress is never acceptable morally. No matter your excuse for cheating, your partner will not take it lightly. No one wants to be cheated on, it hurts.
A mistress is the man’s accomplice in cheating, helping him to commit his crime without hindrances. For this reason, she cannot develop any feelings as they will jeopardize his marriage. So what should the relationship be like?
An affair is nothing more than an “affair,” this is the first rule both parties must understand. It means there should be lots of fun and entertainment while satisfying the needs of both individuals. Falling in love is not an option for the man or his mistress.
It is just fun and a means of meeting the man’s needs more than his mistress’. To this end, rules have to be set and abided by.
An affair is meant to be for fun and meeting the sexual and attention needs of the man. Because of this, certain rules must be set in place. As you can tell, these rules are not written down like a constitution or code of conduct. However, common sense leads you down this road to ensure that the man’s marriage is not hurt.
Once the mistress notices that the man is beginning to fall in love, or she is falling too, she should end the relationship. The onus of ending an affair falls on the mistress most times as she is not in search of commitment. She is only a helper, a friend in need as some people like to call it. A mistress is not obligated to remain faithful to a married man she’s having an affair with. After all, he’s not faithful to his wife and she is fully aware most of the time.
Taking the relationship to the next level puts the man’s home at risk of collapse. If this should happen, his wife, children, and ultimately, he will suffer the brunt. By the way, it is not a wise idea for a mistress to settle with such a man that is able to lie skillfully to his partner. Here’s a simple fact, a woman who is in search of love and a life partner should not look towards a married man.
If it ever happens, the affair must be discreet, hidden from every other person, under the radar. It is not moral in any sense of the idea so no one is allowed to know about it. If you cannot keep a secret or put your emotions in check, don’t bother being a mistress or frolicking with one.
The fact that a woman is open to the idea of being a mistress doesn’t mean she is open to every kind of man. Frankly speaking, some men are insensitive and not worth the trouble. If you are already going to be a side chic, then you’d rather want to enjoy it while it lasts. This means you need to find a man that makes you feel good about yourself. The relationship cannot be toxic else there is no point starting out in the first place.
She needs a man that is great in bed and can make her laugh when they are together. A mistress doesn’t need a man to fall in love with or a man that will make her fall in love. With love comes pain, yes, most of the time it ends in pain. Why enter into a relationship that will end in pain?
Both of you have very limited time to spend together so when you have the opportunity, make it count. Just like the mistress, the man cannot fall in love. He shouldn’t even start a relationship with a woman he can fall in love with in the first place. This is one rule that is difficult to follow considering most of the time we are driven by lust that evolves into passion.
From the onset, the mistress should let him know that all she wants is company, attention, a little of his time, and sexual satisfaction. This is not to say that the man may not get to the point of saying “I love you.” When he does, it is possible he doesn’t mean it. Should you even believe such a man who lies to his wife? He must have a habit of lying to women and the mistress should know that since he probably didn’t approach her as a married man.
Before you even begin at all, you have to set and state these rules to each other. Not as a means of being too difficult or playing “hard to get.” They are necessary to ensure that the affair runs smoothly. With these rules, the affair runs as smoothly as possible and risks are reduced to the barest minimum. You are probably wondering the man is cheating to break rules why cage him with another set of rules?
It is simple, the rules ensure that the relationship is under control. For example, one of the rules to top this list is the mistress should at no time place a call to her lover. This gives him privacy and also reduces the risk of being caught. Such calls will mostly be under duress and she losses the essence of the call. It is better that he calls when he has the time to so you both can enjoy a smooth discussion with a touch of romance.
To be honest, there are so many rules governing this sort of relationship that it is difficult to state each one. The fact that they aren’t even written down makes it worse. But let’s share a few more rules.
The man is only one part of her life so she should keep the rest away from him as much as possible. This is a difficult call but the more about her she knows, the more likely both parties are to fall in love. She doesn’t have to give long explanations when she is not able to see him because she has no obligation to. In the same manner, when the man is encumbered with other activities and has no time to attend to her, she shouldn’t complain. After all, he’s probably cheating because his wife nags a lot, don’t make it worse.
The easiest way to ensure that your affair is kept discreet is helping him maintain his privacy. Don’t attempt to discuss his wife, it could get awkward in the end. It is wrong to try to offer marital advice or make complaints about his wife. While he may do it, he will completely resent you if you do the same.
The mistress must remember that she is a mistress, a lover, not his wife, fiancée, or best friend. This means she shouldn’t pry into his life beyond their affair, that’s all she needs to know. Except the man is willing to share some more details and this regard, she needs to know where to draw the line.
It is always better to end the affair when things are still good and you can look back on great memories. To do this requires maximum self-discipline. This is why it is better to have an affair with a man who is interested in keeping his home safe and his marriage stable. A man with a good home is the perfect “part-time lover” candidate.
Just so that he doesn’t even begin to consider leaving his wife for you. Let him know that if he does, you wouldn’t be there. With this, the man is focused on making you and his wife happy.
A mistress should be kind, sweet, a perfect listener, and treat each date as the first. She has to be understanding and unselfish, indulging her lover in his topics of interest. This should be easy considering she doesn’t get to see him daily and is not seeking a long term relationship.
She cannot let anyone they both know to get wind of their affair. If she is ever going to discuss their relationship, it should be with a friend they don’t share mutually.
Most women at some point in
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