Mistress Loving
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Mistress Loving
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Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Aug 22, 2016, 11:57 AM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
I know this is a hot-button issue and I realize many wives who have been the victim of a cheating husband may have raw wounds on this subject. I'm hoping to shed some light on a human level as to why some women get involved in affairs with married men. Here are 5 things I think wives should know about mistresses.
Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness and depression.
A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress.
Bottom Line : Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
2. She Probably Never Planned On Being A Mistress
Every adult is accountable for their own actions -- of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.
It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her career, credibility, friends, or -- in some extreme cases -- her life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.
Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, later ending up infatuated or in love.
There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and seem to have little regret about it, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.
Many times a husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. A husband may even go so far as to tell the mistress he's separated or in the process of a divorce when this is not the case. If a mistress is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.
If a woman has become a mistress and she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealous every time he walks out the door. She knows he is going home to another woman. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.
Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife and will never know the true level of intimacy that's going on despite what she's been told.
Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.
There's no doubt that a mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers most likely is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.
A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.
4. She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person
Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong person to be with.
A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.
Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair. It happens to same-sex couples as well.
The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are -- especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.
Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.
5. She May Believe There Is A Future
How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.
It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage
A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.
Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do, and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship, and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal, and in many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.
Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.
This post has also been published by Michelle at PairedLife & The Pondering Nook
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
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by
Lachlan Brown
updated October 12, 2022, 8:05 am
Wondering if your married man actually loves you or is he just using you to have a good time?
While you’d think it’s easy to read what men are thinking, it actually is hard to gauge how they really feel at the best of times.
After all, when he says he loves you, is he just saying he loves you to get you into bed with him?
Or is he saying he loves you because he actually means it?
Will he follow through and leave his wife so you can two can finally be official (and live happily ever after)?
I’m not here to judge, but if you’re looking to find out whether this married man is actually serious about being with you, then I have all the information you need.
Look, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of the Hack Spirit blog, and I’ve written millions of words on the science of love and attraction.
And in this article, I’m going to lay out everything I’ve learned about whether a guy is genuinely in love.
So if you want to find out whether this married man is serious about following through and leaving his wife for good, then look no further.
Look, this may sound simple, but it’s true. If he makes an effort to see you, and he prefers spending his free time with you compared to his wife, then it’s pretty assured he has genuine feelings for you.
Now I’m sure he has to spend time with his wife (and possibly family) for important events and routine occasions (like family dinner). That’s fine.
But what I’m really referring to here is what he does in his free time.
After all, our free time is when we have a choice to spend time with whoever we please.
If he is using most of his free time to see you rather than his wife , then it might mean that he truly cares for you.
When life gives you lemons, this man shows up and helps you make lemonade.
He works hard to help you stop worrying about the little things and focus on what matters.
This is because he cares about you.
When he sees you stressed, or in pain, it hurts him as well.
A man that is only using you to have a good time in the bedroom won’t care how you’re feeling or what difficult situations you’re encountering. He’ll only care about what he gets out of the exchange.
You see, according to Dr. Suzana E. Flores, when someone is in love, they tend to show strong empathy.
“Someone in love will care about your feelings and your well-being…If he or she is able to show empathy or is upset when you are, not only do they have your back but they also probably have strong feelings for you.”
If he is always there for you, helping you get over what you need to get over, then you can bet your bottom dollar this married man is actually in love with you.
This is a significant gesture. If he naturally takes his wedding ring off when he spends time with you, then it may point to the fact that he wishes he wasn’t married and that he was free to be with you.
You’re not just a side chick in his eyes. After all, you’re a side chick that he genuinely loves .
And taking off his wedding ring is a sign of things to come.
Don’t count all your eggs in one basket though.
It could also mean that he is ashamed of cheating on his wife and he is keeping this as covert as possible.
Hmmm…how can you tell the difference?
Well, if he only takes his wedding ring off in public places, then it may point to the fact that he is ashamed of cheating on his wife and deceiving her behind her back.
But if he takes off his wedding ring for every moment that he spends time with you, then it may point to him being more genuine about his feelings for you.
Look, if this guy is a rich man then I wouldn’t necessarily look at the value of the gifts that he gives you.
After all, it’s pretty easy for him to give you whatever he likes with a simple flash of his credit card.
But if you can also see what kinds of gifts he is giving his wife, then you can compare.
If it is pretty clear that the gifts he gives you are more thoughtful and more expensive, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he has genuine feelings for you.
Whether or not those feelings are strong enough for him to leave his wife for you is another matter altogether.
There are other situations in his life that we need to consider, but see it as a good sign that he values the relationship with you more than he does with his wife.
I’m guessing that this married man might have a lot going on in his life, particularly if he has kids and a wife.
But in the midst of all that, if he remembers everything little thing you tell him, then that’s a good sign that he has genuine feelings for you.
He’ll remember when you have an appointment or need to be somewhere for a family function.
He won’t bail on responsibilities and he’ll always remember when you got together, even if you don’t.
He’ll ask about your parents and your friends and he’ll ask how work is going, and remember to ask about that weiner, Susan, in accounting that you hate just so you have a chance to complain about her.
A guy that loves you will want you to be happy, no matter what.
In fact, he might even feel a little guilty that he isn’t the perfect guy that you deserve because he is married.
This is why he may even try harder to make you feel good with the limited time you have together.
He’ll make an effort to make you happy. If he says things such as, “as long as you are happy, then he is happy” – you know he’s yours.
He sends you cute good morning messages because he knows it will get your day started off in a great fashion.
Has he spoken to you about his failing marriage and how much he wants to get out?
Then that’s a pretty good sign that the relationship between the two of you is serious.
Of course, any guy can say whatever they like to appease their woman, but if he has legitimately good reasons for not divorcing his wife right now, then he could be serious about his feelings for you.
Does he also have a plan to eventually leave his wife and start a life with you?
Maybe it’s 5 years away while he waits for his kids to grow up.
Or perhaps it’s one year away after his wife goes through a particularly challenging situation.
Whatever it is, if there is a plan for you two to fully commit to each other, then that’s a great sign for you that you’ll get what you eventually want from this guy.
On the other hand, if he skirts around the issue and refuses to commit to any sort of plan or even have a good and logical reason why he is staying with his wife, then I’m sorry to say but you might just be a side chick in his eyes .
That’s probably not the news you want to hear, but let’s be honest:
He is cheating on his wife, and it’s hard to trust a guy who is doing that unless he has rational and well-thought-out reasons for doing so.
Is he incredibly jealous when you talk about other men?
This is a good way to test out his feelings.
If he becomes jealous when you mention other men, then his feelings for you may be real.
After all, jealously is a powerful and difficult emotion to control.
Now perhaps your man is controlling and insecure, and even though he loves his wife and you, he still can’t accept the fact that you’ll see other men.
Obviously, there is a double standard there and it might benefit you to point that out to him when the time arises.
No matter who he is, he can’t have his cake and eat it, too.
If you notice that he is jealous of other men in his life, then you can use that to tell him that you’re jealous of his wife…and that you’re prepared to see other men if he doesn’t take action and fix it (or at least make a plan).
This ties into the point before. Now, these kinds of plans could be something small like a plan for a holiday with you, or more substantive plans like a future house together.
These are great indicators that he is in it for the long haul.
On the other hand, if he refuses to talk about the future with you, or mention anything about his future plans, then that may point to the fact that you’re just a fling in his eyes.
Mistresses are usually a step away from the routine of men’s lives that they share with their wives, so if he expands your role beyond the bedroom, then that may indicate that he sees you more than just a part-time lover he can have fun with.
He’s got your back. And while that might not mean a whole lot right now in as he has other commitments with his “other life”, when things get hairy down the road, you’ll want to know that he is there for you.
He shows you that he will be now by doing what he said he will do, encouraging you to follow your dreams, and being present when he’s with you.
These are great signs that he loves you deeply.
This is actually a pretty huge indicator that the tide is turning in your favor.
You see, if he still sees himself having a future with his current wife, then he’ll do everything he can to avoid her finding out.
He’ll do things you find odd, like book a hotel room in a different name. Or see you in a suburb that is bonkers from his place.
But if he starting to relax about how and when he is seeing you, and you’re even going out in public together, then perhaps he is becoming less worried about being found out.
He might be thinking that in the end, being found out is an easy way to tell his wife that he is seeing someone else and he wants a divorce.
Look, your married man may give you money, gifts, sex, a bit of his time, but in the end, those are just things.
Is your married man going to be there for you through thick and thin?
Is he immersing himself in your life? Listening to your plans for your career? What your family is like? What your passions are?
Because that is what real love is about. That is what happens in a real relationship.
It’s not just physical. It’s not just sexual. It’s not superficial gifts like money or material items.
It’s providing emotional and mental support and immersing yourself in each other’s lives.
Perhaps your man might say that he hasn’t got time for you. After all, he has a wife and family to attend to.
But he doesn’t love you if he isn’t willing to do anything to be with you…officially.
Because if he isn’t immersing yourself in your life, then eventually he is going to get tired of you, and he will move on and find someone else to occupy his physical interests.
When it comes to love, you have to be there for both the good and the bad.
So can you say that he truly loves you if he is only willing to be ther
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