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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Aug 22, 2016, 11:57 AM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
Let's be clear. There's never a good excuse for engaging in an affair with someone who is married. But it does happen. And at the end of the day, women who become mistresses or "the other woman" are our daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers, wives, and neighbors. They are women within our communities.
I know this is a hot-button issue and I realize many wives who have been the victim of a cheating husband may have raw wounds on this subject. I'm hoping to shed some light on a human level as to why some women get involved in affairs with married men. Here are 5 things I think wives should know about mistresses.
Yes, believe it or not, a mistress does feel guilt. If she is aware of the fact that her lover is married, she goes through all the normal emotions associated with guilt on a daily basis, such as sadness and depression.
A mistress feels guilty when her lover chooses to spend time with her on a weekend, knowing there is a wife and possibly children waiting at home. She feels guilty when she hears other people talk about cheating spouses. She feels guilty when she watches movies about adultery.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
That said, many mistresses are totally unaware that their lover is married. Many men go to great lengths to hide the fact that they are married. If a husband can have an affair and betray the woman he married, then he is capable of telling multiple lies, both to the wife and mistress.
Bottom Line : Unless a woman is a sociopath, she feels guilty for crossing the line, just like any normal human being would.
Guilt is the permanent ghost that accompanies a mistress throughout the entire affair and afterward.
2. She Probably Never Planned On Being A Mistress
Every adult is accountable for their own actions -- of that there is no doubt. Unfortunately, sometimes circumstances and poor decisions can lead to affairs.
It's not likely on the goal list of any woman to get wrapped up in an affair with a married man and potentially lose her career, credibility, friends, or -- in some extreme cases -- her life because of it. Not to mention, some women who have affairs are also married and have families of their own that they are jeopardizing by getting involved in an affair.
Many women end up being the other woman by having a "fling" with a man with whom they never intended on being with on a regular basis. They may or may not have known the man was married but they went ahead anyway, later ending up infatuated or in love.
There are women out there that don't have a problem dating married men and seem to have little regret about it, but generally speaking, this is not usually the case.
Many times a husband will make promises that can string a mistress along until so much time passes that it becomes difficult for her to break it off. A husband may even go so far as to tell the mistress he's separated or in the process of a divorce when this is not the case. If a mistress is in love, she may not want to end it, even if she knows it's wrong.
If a woman has become a mistress and she knows that her lover is married, then most certainly she feels jealous. She feels jealous every time he walks out the door. She knows he is going home to another woman. She knows her lover has another life at his home which she will never be a part of.
Unless she has a family of her own, a mistress's life is usually pretty lonely, emphasized by the fact that her heart probably sinks just thinking of what her lover is doing at home with his wife and family. She feels jealous that he shares a bed with his wife and will never know the true level of intimacy that's going on despite what she's been told.
Some mistresses even have children with their married lovers. Imagine what a complicated web that must be.
There's no doubt that a mistress feels envious that her lover's relationship with his wife is not a secret to the world like hers most likely is. One thing that many mistresses crave more than anything is validation that her relationship with her lover is real. Sneaking around in secrecy is not the ideal for having a healthy, long-term relationship.
A mistress, like any other woman, wants her lover to be proud of her, to tell their friends about her, and for them to have the desire to tell the whole world how much they love her.
4. She Fell In Love With The Wrong Person
Well, this is a no-brainer, but unfortunately, love and lust are blind. A woman who ignores repeated red flags because of love or lust will eventually find out she has picked the wrong person to be with.
A mistress is bound to come to this realization sooner or later. She may choose to stay in the affair long after she's realized her mistake for any number of reasons including denial, fear, and, of course, love.
Falling for the wrong person happens to all of us. It happens to single women dating single men. It happens to women who fall in love with married men. It happens to the wife of a husband who is having an affair. It happens to same-sex couples as well.
The point is, most likely the mistress already knows she has made a huge mistake and only stays in the affair because she thinks her lover wants to be with her. Of course, some women may not be that emotionally attached to their lovers, but I would guess that most are -- especially in long-term affairs that carry on for years.
Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.
5. She May Believe There Is A Future
How many women fall for a man and believe most of what he says? We've all done it at some point or another. If a woman knows her lover is married or found out at some point after she already fell for him, then there is no doubt she has been sweet-talked and promised to hundreds of times.
It's fairly common for a cheating husband to tell his mistress that he is miserable in his marriage and wants to get out. This may or may not be true, but whether or not he does get out of the marriage is another thing. If there are children involved or if the husband does truly want to be with his wife, then he won't make the steps to leave the marriage
A mistress has already placed herself in a vulnerable position, so if she is in love with the man she is having the affair with, she will make excuses for him, and probably suffers from deep denial. It may take months or even years for a mistress to realize that a man is not going to leave his wife for her. If he was, he would have done it sooner than later.
Hanging on to an affair in hopes that a man will leave his wife is something many mistresses do, and if there are years that pass by, she becomes more invested in the relationship, and also more comfortable within the lie. The affair becomes her normal. The secrecy becomes her normal, and in many cases, she will self-medicate or behave destructively to alleviate the guilt and shame.
Being the mistress is not glamorous. An affair may start out as a thrilling, romantic whirlwind, but it almost always ends up a depressing, disheartening situation. Mistresses are just like any other woman in the world. They don't necessarily need to be vilified.
This post has also been published by Michelle at PairedLife & The Pondering Nook
Freelance Writer/Co-Host@The Broad's Way Podcast/Creator/Writer@The Pondering Nook/Lover/Mother/Stepmother
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You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com
I know…I know…you’ve heard it before. I’ve been dating a married man for…(drum roll) 7 years. It started as a casual fling. I was in the middle of a separation. I believed he was too. But, somehow, it never happened for him. He said his wife came down with cancer and could not leave her at such a time.
After 7 years and more excuses, I’m completely divorced from my ex and he is still…MARRIED. He says, “I’m the love of his life,” though. In the meantime, I’m mostly alone on the holidays and miserable. I have to admit, I love him a lot and have broken it off, many, many times. But he always knows how to come back, after I finally get him out of my system, and reclaim me.
Well, I’ve broken it off again, and hopefully, he will stay away this time, and we can finally close this chapter. I’ve just turned 40, and feel like I have a lot to offer in a real relationship. Not sure if I feel like dating. I think I need to make some lifestyle adjustments, but, after dealing with this toxic relationship for so many years, I feel depleted. What do you suggest? Former Mistress
You really want me to answer this? Really, sweetie?
You say you have a lot to offer in a real relationship. LMBAO! Chile, you really do need Jesus in your life.
And you say you’re not sure if you feel like dating? Girl, stop the MF’ing madness. How else do you expect to get into a relationship? You have to date to get to know someone and see if you are compatible. Why are you people so quick to jump in a relationship with folks without dating and getting to know them? Oh, you know what, then I wouldn’t get your letters asking for advice. But, honey, it’s obvious your past relationship didn’t teach you anything. I hope you didn’t think you were compatible with a married man?
Then you have the gall and nerve to tell me after dealing with a toxic relationship for many years you feel depleted. Yup, it’s official, you’ve officially lost your mind and are delusional. Who do you think was toxic, you or him? I’ll wait for you to answer that. Let me know when you’re done because I got another question. Finished yet? Okay, after investing 7 years into a relationship that obviously wasn’t going anywhere, and cheating on your husband, and he’s cheating on his wife, oh yeah, and I’m sure all of the emotional and mental energy spent breaking it off and getting back together, uhm, why do you think you are depleted? Again, I’ll wait for you to answer that.
And, you say you THINK you have to make some lifestyle adjustments! Hmph. Really, Ms. Thing, really? But, wait, honey, honey, honey you say you broke it off this time and hopefully he will stay away. He Stays Away? Girl, BYE! How about you stay away!
You know what Ms. Former Mistress , I really don’t have time for your foolishness or this letter. Who the hell stays with a married man for 7 years? I really don’t have anything to suggest to you but that you go into prayer, repent, and ask for forgiveness. Forgive yourself, forgive him, and ask for forgiveness from his wife, and your ex. A whole helluva lot of forgiveness. Honey, do you realize you were married and cheated on your husband, and girl, call it what you want, separation or whatever, you were still married. You stayed with a married man, and interfered with his marriage. How do you think his wife would feel if she discovered her husband was having an affair for 7 years? Don’t answer that because I know you will justify it. So, with that, I’m done with you because Karma is a fierce B***H and she’s coming for you. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
How many of you have been involved in a relationship with someone who’s married, and stayed hoping they would leave their spouse?
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
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