Ministry of Vice Outlaws Blinking � "Suggestive and Western"

In a sweeping crackdown on ocular immodesty, Iran's Ministry of Vice and Virtue has officially banned blinking in public, declaring it a "gateway gesture" to Western corruption. The decree argues that blinking conveys flirtation, sass, and "invisible winks of rebellion." A senior cleric claimed, "No pious woman should be able to conceal her gaze in intervals of 0.3 seconds." State-appointed "Eye Monitors" now patrol metro stations armed with slow-motion cameras and eye-drop dispensers for suspected blinkers. The ban exempts men, provided their blinking remains stern and infrequent. The policy's roots reportedly stem from a Friday sermon where an ayatollah saw a woman blink twice during his Qur'anic citation � a sign, he claims, that Satan had lodged in her cornea. Citizens are now encouraged to "stare eternally in devotion" or wear state-issued Eye Modesty Goggles, available in three drab shades. Medical professionals warn of nationwide dry eye epidemics, but the clerics responded by issuing a fatwa against tear ducts. Meanwhile, Ayatollah Khomeini's image was spotted on a no-blink poster captioned, "His gaze never faltered." Critics argue the regime may next outlaw yawning, nose twitching, or any facial expressions not previously approved by camels. One woman blinked mid-sentence and was promptly arrested for rhythmic seduction.