Mindful Sex
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Mindful Sex
“ ‘Mainstream’ sex is, for the most part, still male- and hetero-focused—even in 2022. ”
“ [Performance tripping] is the notion that orgasm is a competitive goal, to be achieved rather than felt, experienced, enjoyed, savored, shared. ”
— Gina Ogden, Ph.D
“ While it may seem intuitive to use your mind to guide you through sexual struggles, it can actually be counterproductive. ”
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I was 20 and a virgin at my wedding. Before that rainy afternoon in July, one painted by wildflowers and dove-white candles, my sex ethic was an interesting cocktail of abstinence-only education and pop culture references. I didn’t have personal experiences. I wasn’t familiar with my body. But I’d seen the movies. I assumed my partner (also a virgin) would know what to do. We’d be fine, and it’d be fun.
Sex was different than anticipated. It wasn’t intuitive like we’d been told, and our high expectations quickly dissolved into confusion, disappointment, and eventual disembodiment. In the weeks that followed the wedding, I learned how to mentally escape during sex. I coped by separating from my body; I floated above what was supposed to be an intimate experience with the person I love. It’s not that I wanted to detach or distance myself from my partner, but I felt uncertain and numb in my own skin.
My partner and I struggled like this for years. We went to therapy and sifted through the wreckage. It took almost a decade to experience arousal and pleasure. Much of that healing was in thanks to learning how to approach sex mindfully.
Part of me feels embarrassed writing about this, even though I know I’m not alone in my experience. The subject of physical pleasure (specifically for women) remains taboo. “Mainstream” sex is, for the most part, still male- and hetero-focused—even in 2022. Moreover, it’s results-oriented: We’re programmed to measure the success of sex by (his) climax.
For so long, many of us have subscribed to sex as a hierarchal activity—intercourse is better than foreplay; genital stimulation is better than non-genital touch; kissing is preferred to holding. This is the script we know. Modern sex is mindless and performance-driven and, supposedly, mind-blowing.
But if this is true, why then does it leave something to be desired for many of us?
When I first started having sex, I was zoning out and thinking about things unrelated (i.e., dinner plans, to-do lists), or I was dissecting the sexual experience itself.
How does my body look? How long will this take? Does this feel good for my partner?
My wandering mind was literally preventing my body from pleasure and intimacy.
Fantasizing didn’t help, either—which I tried at the suggestion of one therapist. The practice was intended to ground me and keep me engaged. Instead, I felt ashamed and even more disconnected from my partner.
I wanted to be with him in the moment, aroused by what was real and in front of me. It wasn't until years later, after I’d given up on fantasies, opting instead to “check out,” that I stumbled across the work of the late Gina Ogden, Ph.D. She questions this standard advice in her book “ Women Who Love Sex .”
“I have found…standard sex therapy causes some women to feel and act even more turned off, even more confused,” Ogden writes. “To teach women how to use fantasy to disconnect from their memories and feelings does not necessarily empower them…Nor does it necessarily improve women’s lives to teach them how to alter their parasympathetic responses—to relax and lubricate—so that they can tolerate the kinds of stimulation and penetration that the literature labels sexual.”
With the climax expectation comes immense pressure. Sex is already vulnerable and exposing, so to throw performance-driven agendas and expectations in the mix—well, it’s just too much.
For women especially, when we can’t meet our partner’s level of arousal or sex isn’t going as anticipated, we check out or fantasize in hopes of catching up. We rely on our brains to achieve climax, believing that's the ultimate goal. Ogden calls this “performance tripping.” It’s "the notion that orgasm is a competitive goal, to be achieved rather than felt, experienced, enjoyed, savored, shared.”
Mindful sex flips this script. This approach to sex comes without goals or distractions or fantasies. It isn’t only reserved for people who struggle with physical intimacy, either. Even if you have the most satisfying sex life, incorporating mindfulness into your sexual encounters can be transformative.
Mindful sex is making the conscious decision to be engaged and present during your sexual encounters. It allows you and your partner to make the rules and decide what feels good and right for your relationship.
Think of mindful sex as an invitation, as an opportunity to explore the mystery of sex. The reward is deeper intimacy, more meaningful connections, and (fingers crossed) greater physical pleasure. Like floating in a sea, as opposed to a river. Sex with no singular direction, but an experience that invites us to float in surrender.
You and your partner deserve to have a safe space to discuss sex. Use plain speech to tell your partner what you need, what feels good, and what doesn’t. You can do this before, during, and after sex. While the conversation may not seem sexy at first, vocalizing your wants and needs is empowering—and feeling empowered is a gateway to freedom and pleasure. Plus, talking about sex keeps you focused on the moment, on your body, and on your partner.
During sex, consider keeping your eyes open and talking about what you’re doing—almost as if you’re narrating the encounter. You don’t need to “talk dirty” or change your voice. Instead, be genuine and true, using anatomical language to remove shame and former constructs. The point here is to personalize sex, as everyone and every person’s body is unique.
Many of us, for one reason or another, are holding onto narratives about our bodies and sexuality that prohibit us from experiencing the full realm of sexual pleasure. While it may seem intuitive to use your mind to guide you through sexual struggles, it can actually be counterproductive. Try clearing your mind of thoughts during sexual encounters instead.
This works similar to other mindfulness practices . Start by breathing deeply and letting your current thoughts drift away. Check in with your body, beginning at your toes, and use your senses to observe. When thoughts do pop in—because they will—don’t them linger. Instead, notice them and then let them pass. Focus on remaining present with your partner, thinking only about what is happening in the exact moment. Let your body, not your brain, guide you through the experience.
Lastly, resist saving mindful and embodied practices for sex. Everything is connected and, when we live disembodied and detached lives, it's much more challenging to practice mindfulness in the bedroom.
For me, this looks like spending the first few minutes of my day in silence or with a guided meditation. When I walk my dog, I try to stay off my phone and instead focus on feeling my feet on the pavement. Eating colorful foods, exercising, and regularly touching my partner (despite “touch” being at the bottom of my love language list), also keep me balanced and embodied outside of the bedroom. I’ve noticed these practices make a significant difference in sex.
Have you also struggled with sex, pleasure, and intimacy? If you feel comfortable sharing, we’d love your help creating a space of solidarity in the comments below! 💛
Kayti Christian (she/her) is a Senior Editor at The Good Trade. She has a Master’s in Nonfiction Writing from the University of London and is the creator of Feelings Not Aside , a newsletter for enneagram 4s and other sensitive-identifying people. Outside of writing, she loves hiking, reading memoir, and the Oxford comma.
I would like more on how you mentioned preferring not to touch your partner. For me, touch is awkward and often uncomfortable for me with others. But from my SO I crave it and desire it so much, more than I ever have. However, they really do not care for touch and haven’t since they were little. How do I navigate that? Touch, in a relationship, confirms for me that “I am wanted” regardless of all other ways my SO confirms this in their own way. So minimal touch makes me feel unwanted and our connection fizzling. We’ve talked through this and I’ve shared how I feel on and off, but I can’t seem to shake how important it is to me while feeling like they should sacrifice their dislike for touch to help me. It makes me feel selfish while also feeling unwanted.
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Meditation and sex might not be the two things you’d most naturally associate. One involves sitting alone in silence while the other is rather more active, often noisier, and ideally involves someone else. But sex is much more than just a physical activity. Your enjoyment of it has a huge amount to do with your attitude toward the experience and, as such, mindfulness can play a big part in helping you to have the best experience possible. The mental aspect of sex is hugely important in developing and maintaining intimacy and keeping that spark of passion alight.
Meditation and sex might not be the two things you’d most naturally associate. One involves sitting alone in silence while the other is rather more active, often noisier, and ideally involves someone else. But sex is much more than just a physical activity. Your enjoyment of it has a huge amount to do with your attitude toward the experience and, as such, mindfulness can play a big part in helping you to have the best experience possible. The mental aspect of sex is hugely important in developing and maintaining intimacy and keeping that spark of passion alight.
In terms of clinical research, it's still the early days and most of the studies have been pilot studies - albeit in very respected medical institutions. One which is often quoted in relation to mindfulness and libido is a study among women at the University of British Columbia, at their Centre for Sexual Medicine. After taking standard tests of sexual function, participants took part in three mindfulness meditation sessions (in a group) spaced two weeks apart. Between these sessions, they practiced mindfulness meditation at home (alone) and then after the third group session, they retook the sexual function tests. The course of meditation was shown to increase the women's desire, arousal, lubrication and sexual satisfaction. In the post-program feedback, the women apparently rated the mindfulness exercises as most helpful aspect of the program, which also included advice and guidance from a gynaecologist and sex therapist.
Sounds good right? So I’ve put together few tips that will hopefully help you have a more mindful sex life.
Developing a meditation practice will really help you get some perspective on the passage of thought through the mind. That way if you do find yourself distracted, you’ll be more aware of the distraction and therefore more able to counter it with mindfulness. Regular meditation has also been shown to reduce the amount of cortisol in the brain, the hormone which we experience as stress. In evolutionary terms cortisol is produced as a ‘fight or flight’ response, so it directs blood to essential functions like the muscles and away from the extremities like the genitals. Cortisol actually reduces the libido (no time for sex if you’re on the run from a sabre-toothed tiger), so if you lower cortisol you can actually increase libido - which means you’ll want sex more. Your partner is bound to be flattered.
-- All this week, we're talking about love on Headspace Daily . Has mindfulness impacted your relationships? Let us know, on Facebook , Twitter or at social@headspace.com.
You know the routine you go through when you pull out in your car? You look at the mirrors, put on your indicators and then apply the gas. You probably do it without even thinking, because it’s become such a hardwired behavior. Now, it’s not a very flattering comparison but it is possible for sex to become a similar matter of routine, particular if you’ve been with your partner for a long time. What you did at first to satisfy each other has become almost automatic. The problem with this is that, just as in the car, the behavior has become so automatic that the mind may not be present at all, and that can be a real passion-killer.
The best way to handle this is to develop your ability to bring your attention back into the body. This is easily done by focusing on your breath at regular intervals throughout the day, when you’re waiting in line, or waiting for the kettle to boil. Concentrate on the flow of air through your nose and mouth, the feeling of diaphragm rising and falling. That way, if you do notice that your mind has wandered when you’re in bed with your partner, you’ll be much more practiced at coming back into your body.
Don’t worry, you needn’t physically chain yourself to anything. Just try to notice a physical sensation that’s occurring right now, and if you find your mind wandering, bring your mind back to it. The good news is that the more that you do this, the more neurological pathways are formed, and that means that it’s easier each time. This increases your chances of remaining physically in the here and now, which is just what you need for really great sex.
Developing a meditation practice will really help you get some perspective on the passage of thought through the mind. That way if you do find yourself distracted, you’ll be more aware of the distraction and therefore more able to counter it with mindfulness. Regular meditation has also been shown to reduce the amount of cortisol in the brain, the hormone which we experience as stress. In evolutionary terms cortisol is produced as a ‘fight or flight’ response, so it directs blood to essential functions like the muscles and away from the extremities like the genitals. Cortisol actually reduces the libido (no time for sex if you’re on the run from a sabretooth tiger), so if you lower cortisol you can actually increase libido - which means you’ll want sex more. Your partner is bound to be flattered.
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Key points
Mindful awareness can enhance a person's sexual desire.
Sensate focusing can help a person be mindful and fully present during acts of physical intimacy.
In-the-moment attention to sensations enables a person to experience the situation as is, allowing partners to let go of expectations.
Source: Courtesy of Pexels, Ketut Subiyanto
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