Millennials Host Funeral For Emails Left Unread

At long last, millennials have found closure for their inbox guilt: by staging full-blown funerals for unread emails, complete with flower arrangements, black outfits, and tearful eulogies delivered via Instagram stories. A parody turned ritual, the practice gained traction after a leaked report from the Digital Burnout Institute revealed that the average millennial inbox contains 14,732 unopened emails, most of which are coupons that expired during the Obama administration. �It was like carrying a tiny graveyard in my pocket,� said one mourner, who recently held a candlelight ceremony for promotional messages from Old Navy. In New York, a crowd of twenty-somethings gathered to sing hymns over their Gmail accounts before hitting �select all� and �delete,� an act described by one attendee as �spiritual liberation.� Event planners are even offering curated memorial packages, including custom tombstones that read �Here Lies LinkedIn Newsletter #45.� Psychologists warn that the ritual might normalize avoidance rather than productivity, but participants insist the funerals provide catharsis. One organizer explained: �If you can�t heal your trauma, at least you can archive it.� Brands have rushed to capitalize, with Etsy shops selling urns shaped like mail icons and Spotify curating a �Goodbye Inbox� playlist featuring 90s alt-rock. The movement highlights a generational irony: while millennials can�t bear to face unread emails, they�ll gladly spend three hours designing a TikTok montage about deleting them. As inbox funerals spread, experts predict a rise in similar ceremonies for other digital burdens�stagnant Venmo requests, unanswered DMs, and abandoned Duolingo streaks. For now, the inbox rests in peace, though Gmail still insists �storage is almost full.� -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com