Meteorology in Crisis: Weather Forecasters Now Using Tarot Cards

The National Weather Service has officially supplemented its supercomputers with "alternative prediction methods" after studies showed TikTok psychics were more accurate than meteorologists. Staff now begin each forecast by pulling tarot cards ("The Tower means hail!") and interpreting cloud shapes as divine messages. "That cumulonimbus looks like Elon Musk smoking weed - expect erratic winds," explained one forecaster during training. The new approach has surprisingly improved accuracy for major events, though the weekly "Will it rain?" segment now includes a full zodiac reading. Critics argue this undermines scientific rigor, while supporters note the old model already treated weather like a chaotic deity. The most controversial change? Replacing the Doppler radar with a giant crystal that "vibes with atmospheric energy." Meanwhile, farmers report the almanac has become suspiciously specific, predicting exact rainfall down to the milliliter "between 2:47-3:12pm on Aunt Carol's birthday."