Men Having Sex With Teenage Girls

Men Having Sex With Teenage Girls
The 'old days' were when few were familiar with the word paedophilia, and when the repercussions on a young girl of sleeping with an older man were not much considered
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Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual abuse of a 15-year-old girl
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My interest in older men started to wane when one of my parents’ friends tried to grope me behind a door at a party when I was 14
Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual abuse of a 15-year-old girl
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My interest in older men started to wane when one of my parents’ friends tried to grope me behind a door at a party when I was 14
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I remember what it was like to be young and “on the cusp”. When I was in my early to mid-teens, this meant, to some of the men I encountered, I was “not quite legal” or, as many preferred, “jailbait”. I knew back then that this made me attractive, and being attractive to grown men made me feel good.
I didn’t think much beyond this fact, or why these men wouldn’t prefer to hang out with women their own age. I was more preoccupied with what I saw: worldliness, sophistication, a gateway to adulthood.
None of these interactions became physical, which, looking back, was probably because I liked the idea rather than the reality. Other girls I knew went considerably further. My interest in older men started to wane when one of my parents’ friends tried to grope me behind a door at a party. I was 14.
I look at my daughter now and I know what lies ahead. Long before she is 16 and thus, in the eyes of the law, “legal”, she’ll be leered at on the bus and chatted up by men five, 10, perhaps even 15 years her senior.
Post-puberty, her school uniform will prompt heckling from louts in vans. It won’t stop once she is “of age” either, though I can only pray that this will be the extent of her dealings with creeps who are old enough to know better.
It’s only when we are older that we begin to understand these exchanges between young girls and older men, the power play at the heart of them and the damage that can be done. This is why the responsibility lies with the older party: the man looking at the luminous flesh of a teenager and wondering if he or she is worth the risk.
It clearly seemed worth it to the 28-year-old England footballer Adam Johnson , who has pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual abuse of a 15-year-old girl. He would have known what he stood to lose when he began sending lewd texts and arranging meetings with her, but still he followed his impulses. Now everyone is agreed that what he did was wrong. We know this because the law says so.
But what about the old days, when David Bowie was deflowering Lori Maddox, one of the so-called “baby groupies” of the era? The law didn’t sanction that. Since Bowie’s death last month, commentators have asked whether we should be celebrating a man known to have had sex with a minor, and whether it’s possible to separate the art from the artist. Bowie wasn’t alone, of course. Iggy Pop, Jimmy Page, Steven Tyler, Jerry Lee Lewis – they were all at it.
Those were different times, we are told; to a point, it’s true. Those where the days when few were familiar with the word paedophilia, and when the repercussions on a young girl of sleeping with an older man were not much considered, because the welfare of young girls wasn’t considered at all. Those were the days when men joked about bedding teenagers and the concept of consent was rarely discussed.
Lori Maddox, who lost her virginity to Bowie when she was 15, still maintains it was the greatest night of her life, though Mandy Smith, who was 14 when she began dating the Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, has talked about depression and having had her childhood stolen.
Perhaps the difference is that now these things have been thought about, the repercussions have been felt and the language has been developed to unpick these relationships. Most importantly, the law is now frequently (but not always) being enforced.
There is, of course, a world of difference between a man who grooms and abuses children and one with a predilection for younger women. The law has provided a line in the sand, and that line is 16. Even so, what are we to think of these men who pursue young people so fresh out of childhood? There’s the thrill of a beautiful young body, of course, but there’s more to it than that. There’s the ego trip of being with a teenager who is so easily impressed that a car, or a flat – any signifier of independence – can seem dazzlingly mature. What I remember most about the girls I knew who dated older men was how confident they were among their friends, and how passive they were around their boyfriends.
The recent nausea that accompanied 49-year-old Simon Danczuk , the Labour MP who sent sexually explicit texts to a 17-year-old, telling Newsnight : “I prefer young women. Different people have different preferences,” would suggest that attitudes are changing and that there is a sense that, when an older man pursues a much younger woman, something’s not quite right. Even his interviewer used the word “icky”.
Even so, I still hear male friends defending these partnerships, which always makes me wonder: what if it were your daughter? If it’s within the law then it’s OK, they say. Well, yes, in one sense it is. But it’s also emotionally and intellectually unbalanced and potentially exploitative.
We still have a long way to go before grown men stop seeing teenage girls as ripe for the picking.
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Rebecca Reid Friday 27 Oct 2017 4:34 pm
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Woody Allen has made his film again.
You know the one. A young woman with metric f**ktonnes of attitude and sexual agency goes after a neurotic man.
In this case the girl in question (though we might as well go full Nabokov and call her a nymphet) is fifteen. And she comes on to Jude Law who is in his fourties. Similarly, Chloe Grace Moretz is starring in the grim looking I Love You, Daddy.
(Yes, they are making a film called that).
The upshot of these films is broadly speaking the same. Beautiful young women striving for relationships with men considerably older than them.
The response to the news that these films are being made is one of disgust. People are asking why, they’re questioning in what world Elle Fanning and Jude Law feels like an appropriate romantic pairing and some people have suggested that it’s unlikely that a woman that young would want to be with a man that old.
That last point is where my issues start.
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I might not like it, you might like it, and we might all wish that is wasn’t true, but the thing is, teenage girls do fancy older men. They do desire them.
When we pretend that teenage girls don’t have a sexual identity, or that they don’t ever find older men attractive, we ignore the problem. When we ignore the problem, we allow it to flourish.
I attended an all girl Catholic boarding school where there was, as you can imagine, sweet FA in terms of male attention to be had. I had always assumed that man-drought was the reason that most of us developed a passionate crush on a teacher at some point in our school career.
But having spoken to women who were raised in slightly less bizarre circumstances, I’ve revised that assumption. It’s not just girls who go to school in the middle of nowhere with no boys to flirt with who form passionate romantic obsessions with male teachers.
It happens at every school, in every town, all over the world.
Don’t we all have that friend who dated an ‘older’ guy when she was at school? I have more stories than I can count of sneaking out of school to meet up with men in their twenties and thirties so that we could drive around in his car drinking the alcohol he’d brought us and sneaking an illicit cigarette.
When you’re a teenager it doesn’t take much to make you feel sophisticated. Drinking, smoking and the ability to drive feel like the trifecta of adulthood, and if you’ve got even two of the three, you’re impressive.
Dating a teenager is a particularly intoxicating opportunity for men who struggle with women their own age. The benefit of being an older man is that you’re able to attract more conventionally attractive girls.
A younger woman will look up to you. She’ll listen to you. She’ll see you as wordly, she’ll see you as impressive. If you tell her she’s ‘mature’ for her age, she’ll believe you.
Which is exactly why men have a responsibility not to pursue younger women.
Even a small age gap – mid teens to early twenties, still carries this kind of imbalance. The vast majority of men would never want to accidentally take advantage of a younger woman. When it happens it’s not motivated my malice or designed to be predatory. It’s because they don’t realise that they’re acting from a position of power.
I draw a line in my head between the older men I fancied at a teenager who resolutely refused to engage with it, and those who indulged it or even courted it. There were teachers who let me embarrass myself with clumsy childish flirting but never encouraged me for a second. I feel intensely grateful to them now. I would have done literally anything that they wanted.
There were also people who weren’t so scrupulous. A boss who groped me whenever he could. Older men at parties who made comments about my body or came on to me. I remember them too. And I wish they’d known that I didn’t fancy them because they were interesting or attractive, but because they seemed powerful to me.
They weren’t powerful. They were sad men who were dazzled by youngness and flattered by my attention. They didn’t pause to think about the fact that I would remember how they ran their hands over my body or asked me if I was ‘still a virgin’.
But I remember. Ten years later I remember in technicolour detail, and I judge them.
So Woody Allen isn’t wrong to make his film again, at least not per se. He’s wrong about lots of other things, but the storyline of a young woman falling for an older man is an accurate one.
I just wish that for once the older man would brush her off and encourage her to go off and find someone a little closer to her age to explore with, at least until she reaches the status of a legal adult.

DEAR DEIDRE I want to sleep with my hot neighbour, but I'm worried about our age gap
IN DEEP WATER My wife thinks it's unreasonable to ask her to wash before wild sex
DEIDRE'S STORIES Alfie is feeling awkward after dreaming about his mate's hot wife, Sarah
LISTEN UP I’m a parenting expert & you’re talking to your teens wrong - follow my six tips
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having sex with my friend’s son.
I didn’t seduce him but his mum says I obviously must have offered him sex on a plate and blames me.
My team and I are working safely from home but we are here to help you as always.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I am 32 and he’s 19. He seemed a kid a year ago but very much a man when he came home from university after they closed in the spring.
We chatted at my friend’s birthday barbecue in the summer and I had far more to drink than usual.
He was flirting outrageously, telling me I looked so young I could pass for a student. It boosted my ego.
We ended up slipping away from the party and went upstairs to his room.
All the time he was kissing me he was undressing me too and we ended up having sex. It blew my mind.
The next day I felt so guilty I texted him to say we should stay away from each other but he bombarded me with texts and insisted we carry on seeing one another. He was too hot to refuse.
He had a row with his mum one day and blurted out about us. She’s stopped speaking to me.
She believes I cradle snatched her son. His dad and older sisters are not speaking to me either.
I confided in my mum and sister, and they disapprove and told me I shouldn’t get into a relationship with him.
Everyone blames me because I am older, and they think I took advantage.
Nothing could be further from the truth. He’s the one who insists we carry on and gets angry if I argue.
He’s been away at uni since October. Of course I couldn’t visit him but we’ve been very close online.
He’s told his family he’s seeing a girl at uni now, but he tells me he loves me and wants to tell them the truth when he gets home, which will be any day now. I am so scared of their reaction.
Do I call it off and do what everyone else wants, or carry on and risk losing everyone I care about?
AFTER finding love, we might assume our relationship will look after itself.
But we all change, and relationships require time and attention.
My e-leaflet Your Relationship MoT can help you avoid a crisis.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is unfair that everyone blames you. Of course it takes two to tango, but your instinct to call a halt to the fling right from the start was right.
Now you need to let age and experience speak and take a firmer line with your young lover. Be firm that it’s over.
He’s got no right to get angry. It’s probably linked to quite separate tensions with his family but that’s all the more reason to do what is best for you.
It’s not just the age gap, though at 19 he is looking for a very different experience from what is right for you.
You are risking losing people you care about and who care about you. They can see what you are not seeing right now.
Cut free from this guy and move on with your life.
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