Men Are Visual

Men Are Visual

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Live the Promise on July 29, 2015
The phrase “men are visual” is often used by women. But do we fully understand what that means?
Listen as Susie talks with researcher Shaunti Feldhahn and Pastor Craig Gross . They walk through the wiring of the male brain and offer important insights about purity, sexuality, and the daily challenges inside the world of men.
Shaunti and Craig teamed up to write a book called .
Shaunti explains why she’s so passionate about it.
“I don’t think there is any one issue that so impacts men that women are so blind too. What it means is that our men are navigating this minefield every day worried about getting their feet blown off. Men in the church want to honor God in their thought life. But we don’t realize that those temptations and traps… they hate it. They feel incredible shame about it.”
Shaunti and Craig offer us some insights:
• A man’s brain is structured entirely different from a woman’s. When he sees a woman dressed a certain way, the back center of his brain lights up and he has a gut-level desire to consume that image. By contrast, a woman who sees an attractive man uses the rational, thinking section of her brain, and that typically does not elicit a physical, sexual response.
• A man feels close to his wife when they’re being physically intimate. For him, making love increases the connection, normally more than conversation.
• If a man claims he doesn’t struggle with lust, don’t be quick to call him dishonest. He may have developed strong visual habits that guard his mind and heart.
• Women who are quick to recoil or revile men for how they are wired have probably been hurt in the past. Shaunti offers a word.
“Recognize you can trust God even when you can’t trust your husband. There is a path through this. We have seen thousands and thousands of marriages restored and men finding victory from this.”
Featured Songs: On Our Side by Lincoln Brewster; Glow in the Dark by Jason Gray; Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson
I have to be honest and say that I unfortunately am one of the women highly offended by what you say. I’ve been supposedly ‘married’ for 17 years. My husband was addicted to porn for 13 years of that time and I only found out four years ago after he lied to me for 10 years about it after I found something on the computer.
Since then, I’ve had the hugest desire to be the only woman for him. This has gone too deep for me, and hearing what you say about men’s visual natures only makes me feel more defeated and rejected. I would never have married had I known what I would be faced with. I have been competing against every other woman on the planet since the day I met my husband and I’m sorry but I’m done. Your work seems to suggest this research is ‘amazing’. I’m sorry, it’s offensive.
After reading what you say, I have told my husband I need for us to separate. I would rather be single than inadequate. I’ve been walking this road a long time and I’m tired. I also read on the xxx3 website that it’s ok for a man to look at a woman twice?! Umm….there is a LOT of readings online that say that a second look simply is unacceptable and yet you are trying to condone it. It seems you are trying to condone a lot of things. You seem very proud of everything you’ve supposedly discovered, but you’re actually helping to destroy marriages. Mine was already destroyed and we have been trying to heal. However you have well and truly finished it off.
Hey anonymous, I am so sorry for all that you have been through, and for all your hurt. God certainly did not have pornography and feeling inadequate in mind for marriage, and its no surprise you feel tired and defeated.
I also hope to encourage you that separating may not ultimately be better. It is certainly the enemy’s plan to create disunity, to destroy the marriage God has created, and to leave you feeling how you do, and your husband trapped as well. On the contrary it is God’s will, and his plan to see you both changed and transformed. In fact, In 1 Cor 7, Paul even explains that the reason he asks us to stay married is that it may just save both you and your husband. God’s will and plan is to do an incredible work, but sometimes it doesn’t happen in the timing we want or expect. In fact, when we look back over our lives, we usually find that God’s work usually defies what we think can happen. You may be just like the Israelites standing on the shore of the Red Sea, seeing no way to escape the coming Egyptian army, and never even imagining, even dreaming, that he might part the ocean and let you walk through.
God made your husband’s visual wiring for you, and it is still God’s plan to make your husband’s wiring and desire filled up with you, and when that does happen, it will be the experience of a lifetime for you, to be in love and be so desired. That is what God desires, and the enemy is working fill force to prevent.
I know you are right to feel hurt, your husband ultimately has to make the right choices, but I just hope you have considered what might happen if you do separate, the enemy sees a victory, and you may miss out on an incredible, supernatural work of the holy spirit. My prayers for you two, whatever you decide!
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God desires for a wife to have a strong, Christ-centered connection with her husband and have a positive influence in his life.
Amidst a world of confusion and chaos, Lisa invites us to grow in the likeness of our new names and embrace our true identity in Jesus Christ.
We can search throughout Scripture and find the promises of God; not just the promises of what's to come.
Does activity for God always equal intimacy with Him?
Susie Larson, host of Live the Promise, engages in conversations that bring Scripture to life, and shares stories that inspire you to last long and finish strong.
Prayer is a vital part of our relationship with Christ. Maybe these tips on prayer can inspire you toward being a prayer warrior today!
How does living daily life with God really look? When Christ calls us to rest, what does He mean?
Where once you felt loved and cared for, now you feel like you’re on the receiving end of assessments and unfair judgments. What do you do?
Prayer is a vital part of our relationship with Christ. Maybe these tips on prayer can inspire you toward being a prayer warrior today!
How does living daily life with God really look? When Christ calls us to rest, what does He mean?
Where once you felt loved and cared for, now you feel like you’re on the receiving end of assessments and unfair judgments. What do you do?

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Its always this the time of year that divorced women come to avail themselves of my matchmaking services, asking, "What are men looking for?" Years out of the dating scene, these women often want to start the New Year with a new man. However, many times they find themselves returning to a world that doesn't resemble the one they left in their 20's, or possibly even 30's.
I always respond to that particular question the same way. I tell them, "Men think in three's. The body, the face and the brains -- in that exact order." The bottom line is, it's all about the bottom line, if you know what I mean. Body first. And don't shoot the messenger: I can only relay male desires -- however superficial and unfortunate -- not change them. As a professional matchmaker at Kelleher International, I've spoken with over forty thousand men and they all say they want women to be thin and in shape. I admit that my clients, many of whom are titans of tech, Hollywood honchos and international moguls, can be a demanding bunch; however, these are the guys many women are attracted to when dating. So in my 20 years in the business the only shift I've seen is that body is more important than ever before! Not the face, not the personality, but the body. I'm not saying that if a woman has a good body she's just months before landing a rock/ring. In fact, without a great personality and the rest of the package the relationship simply won't stick. On the other hand, most of the women I met aren't as critical of men. They don't mind if a man is overweight if he's also funny, charming or kind. They don't even care if he's short if he can make up for it in other ways.We women have indeed come a long way, but unfortunately we still can't control the way men think. They are visual creatures and require at their biological core seeing a woman who takes care of herself. I'm not saying men don't appreciate curves, they do, but they also want a woman whose curves are sexy and in proportion rather than shapeless and slack, or worse, too overweight .
I remember setting up a man with a beautiful and accomplished woman who I thought was beautiful. This particular man wanted a smart and attractive woman. A few nights later they had dinner. The following day I received a call from this client who, in a rather irritated tone, got right to the point: "That woman was smart and pretty but she had too much junk in her trunk!"I didn't know what he meant until he explained he thought she was out of shape. Since he was obsessed with working out he expected a woman to stay in shape, too, and for me to understand that! Lesson learned... Does this mean if you aren't a size 2 you have no chance? Far from it, I'm just saying men are looking for women who care about their appearance and put energy into looking the best they can. And what you are wearing to attract a man is just as important as being in good shape. So remember: men are visual creatures. I'm not saying they want a hard body, they do want a woman to be a woman, not a man. They just want her to be fit. You could be a rocket scientist with a high IQ, speak five languages and be a Rhodes Scholar. But again if they aren't initially attracted to the wrapping on the package, then they'll never get close enough to engage you in a conversation long enough to find out about this fascinating woman.
This is not just an opinion, it's an observation over nearly two decades. Men aren't going to change.
While we all love asking our girlfriends for advice just remember that the opposite sex is often times on the opposite side of the spectrum. So if you're looking to go into the New Year with a new man, just remember this old and timeless advice: men don't change. But hey, rather than feel any feminist chagrin, comfort yourself knowing that keeping in shape is first and foremost good for yourself: more energy, better mood, sex drive, in short, a longer, healthier life. Maybe there is something to these primitive impulses of mankind after all...

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By

Robin Nixon

published March 24, 2016

Most popular notions about the male brain are based on studies of men ages 18 to 22 — undergrads subjecting themselves to experiments for beer money or course credit. But a man's brain varies tremendously over his life span, quickly contradicting the image of the single-minded sex addict that circulates in mainstream consciousness.
In this presentation, you'll learn about common misconceptions, such as men wanting to sow their wild oats forever. And you'll learn how vulnerable men are to loneliness, and why men are so frustratingly focused on solutions.
In short, gals, here's what you need to know about guys' minds.
Women want to settle down, and men want to sow their wild oats forever, the refrain usually goes. But this might be one of the largest misconceptions stemming from the U.S. tendency of using undergrads as test subjects.
Infidelities are most likely to occur before men hit 30, found a study of Bolivian men published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society in 2007. After that, men primarily focus on providing for their families, the study found.
Of course, some men have a harder time with commitment than others — a problem which could be genetic, according to a 2008 study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science. Men without the "promiscuity gene," an estimated 60 percent of the population, are more likely to marry. But that's not all. Both they and their wives are also more likely to report relative marital bliss, the researchers found.
Unfortunately, the association is so small, said the study's lead researcher Hasse Walum of the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, "you can't use it for screening potential mates."
Continue to learn why men love a pecking order.
An unstable hierarchy can cause men considerable anxiety, Brizendine said. But an established chain of command, such as that practiced by the military and many work places, reduces testosterone and curbs male aggression , she said.
Pre-occupation with establishing pecking order, which starts as early as age 6, motivates the "male dance, where they are always putting each other down," Brizendine added. "It is better to be aggressive in a verbal jab than to duke it out," she said.
Keep reading to learn how dad's have hormonal changes, too.
The male brain becomes especially primed for cooperation in the months before becoming a father. Fathers-to-be go through hormone changes — prolactin goes up, testosterone goes down — which likely encourage paternal behavior, found a 2000 study in Evolution and Human Behavior .
The pheromones of a pregnant woman may waft over to her mate to spur these changes, said Brizendine, who was not involved with the study.
The expecting mom might be repaying a favor: Even before she is pregnant, male pheromones cause good-mom neurons to sprout in the female brain, found a 2008 study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior.
Over the course of evolution, men have needed to compete for status and mates while young and emphasize bonding and cooperation when mature, Mehta said.
Men seem to agree; and psychological studies have shown that one-upmanship holds less appeal for older men. Instead, they pay more attention to relationships and bettering the community, Brizendine said.
The change is likely aided by the slow natural decline in testosterone as a man ages. Mehta and colleagues found that men with high testosterone levels tend to be better at one-on-one competition, while those with lower levels excel at competitions requiring team cooperation. The study was published in the journal Hormones and Behavior in 2009.
Daddy-specific ways of playing with their kids — more rough-housing, more spontaneity, more teasing — can help kids learn better, be more confidant, and prepare them for the real world, studies have shown. Also, involved dads lessen risky kids' sexual behavior .
Fathers that actively parent tend to have lower testosterone levels, report several cross-cultural studies. While it is not known if the hormone levels cause the behavior or vice versa, researchers theorize that evolution has favored involved dads . Human children are among the neediest of the animal kingdom and good dads optimize the chance that their offspring — and their genes — survive.
"Part of the male job, evolutionarily-speaking, is to defend turf," Brizendine said. More research is needed in humans but in other male mammals, the "defend my turf" brain area is larger than their female counterparts, she said.
While women too have fits of possessiveness, men are much more likely to become violent when faced with a threat to their love life or territory, she said.
While often linked to aggression and hostility, testosterone is also the hormone of the libido. And guys have six times the amount surging through their veins as women, said Pranjal Mehta, a social psychologist at Columbia University in New York.
Mehta and colleagues found that testosterone impairs the impulse-control region of the brain. While it has yet to be studied, this may explain why, as Brizendine says, men ogle women as if on "auto-pilot." They often forget about the woman once she is out of their visual field, Brizendine said.
While many studies suggest that women are more empathetic than men, Dr. Brizendine stresses this is not entirely true. The empathy system of the male brain does respond when someone is stressed or expressing a problem. But the "fix-it" region quickly takes over.
"This hub does a Google search of the entire brain to come up with a solution," said Brizendine. As a result, men tend to be more concerned with fixing a problem than showing solidarity in feeling, she said.
While loneliness can take a toll on everyone's health and brain, older men seem particularly vulnerable, said Dr. Louann Brizendine, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of "The Male Brain" (Broadway, March 2010) .
Men tend to reach out less than women, which exacerbates loneliness and the toll it takes on their brains' social circuits, she said.
Living with women may be particularly helpful. Men in stable relationships tend to be healthier, live longer and have hormone levels that may indicate decreased anxiety, studies have shown.
Women might also be good for a guy's gonads. Male mice living with females remained fertile longer than their isolated cousins, found a study published in the Biology of Reproduction in 2009.
While females are usually considered the more emotional gender, infant boys are more emotionally reactive and expressive than infant girls, researchers have found.
Adult men have slightly stronger emotional reactions, too — but only before they are aware of their feelings, found a 2008 study published in the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology th
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