Mature Women Having Anal Sex
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Mature Women Having Anal Sex
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Last week, I tried to figure out why more women are having anal sex and why it correlates so highly with orgasms . Since 1992, the percentage of women aged 20-24 who say they’ve tried anal sex has doubled to 40 percent. The percentage of women aged 20-39 who say they’ve done it in the past year has doubled to more than 20 percent. And 94 percent of women who received anal sex in their last encounter said they reached orgasm—a higher rate of orgasm than was reported by women who had vaginal intercourse or received oral sex.
Why? For obvious reasons—anatomical, evolutionary, and aesthetic—anal sex should, on average, be less attractive and satisfying than vaginal or oral sex. In last week’s column, based on new survey data , I inferred that female orgasms caused anal sex rather than the other way around. The other acts reported by women who engaged in anal sex—vaginal intercourse, cunnilingus, partnered masturbation—delivered the orgasms. In turn, these women indulged their male partners’ requests for anal sex.
Well, shame on me. Not for talking about sodomy—that taboo seems to be fading fast—but for doubting that women love it. These women are now coming forward to affirm that they’re into it for their own pleasure, thank you very much. And they aren’t alone. Bloggers, blog readers, and Slate commenters are offering lots of other theories to explain the orgasm data.
I should start with a confession: I understated the mainstreaming of anal sex. I relied on data tables that reported how many women had done it at least once (around 40 percent), in the last year (around 20 percent), or in the last month (around 7 percent). I missed a different table ( Table 4, page 284 ) that isolated women who were “partnered” and asked about their activities over a 90-day period. Among partnered women aged 18-24, 20 percent said they’d had anal sex in the preceding three months. Among those aged 30-39, 16 percent had done it. Among women aged 30-39 who were cohabiting but unmarried, 30 percent had done it. So we’re talking about something that a significant minority of partnered women does at least several times a year.
Why do they do it? And why do those who do it most often (women who reported anal intercourse in their last encounter) get the most orgasms? Here are some theories proposed by readers and bloggers.
1. Anal sex causes orgasms. At least 10 women have posted comments in Slate to say that they like anal sex. Five of them say they get orgasms from it. These women aren’t porn artifacts, nor are they trolling for sex. Many are explicitly partnered; most are using full names. Others who enjoy sodomy are raising their hands here , here , here , here , here , here , here , here , and here , with additional secondhand reports here and here . (All of these posts are from women; I’m setting aside the 20 or 30 secondhand reports I’ve seen from men.) I won’t try to convey their enthusiasm—you can read the testimonials yourself. Let’s just say that Tristan Taormino and Toni Bentley aren’t alone. And if you think is just male-imposed false consciousness, try reading a few lesbians on this subject.
Lots of women don’t like, want, or do anal sex (examples here , here , here , and here ), and the data still suggest these women are the majority . But when I said female orgasms were causing anal sex, I shouldn’t have implied that the reverse wasn’t true. Sex is complicated. People vary. No single theory will explain the whole correlation.
2. Orgasms increase women’s willingness to try anal sex. Originally, I speculated that this effect was reciprocal: Women who got what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners’ wishes. Some readers think my analysis was too transactional—women aren’t doing it just to please men—but they agree that the orgasm precedes the act. “I’ve had anal sex with multiple girlfriends but I don’t think it’s ever happened before she has orgasmed first,” says one man . “When we’ve been having a marathon session with serious orgasms, that’s when my wife is interested in exploring her adventurous side,” says another . These are just anecdotes, but the survey data back them up: Nearly all women who reported anal intercourse in their last encounter said they engaged in other sex acts, too.
3. Orgasms increase women’s willingness to try anal sex, which in turn causes orgasms. Theories 1 and 2 aren’t mutually exclusive. Some women cite both factors. Example :
4. Orgasms cause relaxation, which facilitates anal sex. “Anal sex with a woman does seem, um … easier following her orgasm … or any other kind of deep relaxation, like a massage or hot bath or bourbon,” one man reports . (See this lesbian testimonial on the same theme.) This theory is psychological but also physical: If you haven’t had an orgasm, you’re less likely to be relaxed, so you can’t do anal sex. So when women are surveyed about their last sexual experience, the only women who say they had anal sex are the ones who had orgasms.
5 . Adventurousness causes orgasms and anal sex. A male commenter puts it this way :
That’s an intuitively appealing theory. It fits the survey findings (“ greater behavior diversity is related to ease of orgasm “) and the specific data on anal sex. While nearly all women who had anal intercourse in their last encounter reported other sex acts as well, nearly half the women who had vaginal intercourse reported no other sex acts.
But is this really a matter of adventurousness? Maybe vaginal sex is simply more satisfying, so women are less likely to need an additional act. A female Slate commenter proposes a way to test the hypothesis: “My guess would be that female orgasms are also highly correlated with bondage, role play, more varied sexual positions overall, and whatever other ‘kinks’ you can think of.” Perhaps the next survey will sort this out.
6. Women who orgasm easily are more likely to try anal sex. This turns the adventurousness theory upside down. The idea here is that a woman’s relative ease of orgasm (which could be largely anatomical) is a cause, not an effect, of trying new kinks. Orgasmic women are more willing to dabble in unconventional things, including anal sex, because compared with other women, sex is more fun for them , or orgasmic payoff is more likely.
7. Self-assurance causes orgasms and anal sex. Short version : “Women comfortable enough to enjoy anal sex are pretty much relaxed enough to orgasm. They’re women who get what they want.” Longer version :
Another good hypothesis. The paradox to be explained is why an act widely considered icky or deviant correlates with orgasms. The self-assurance theory uses the ick factor to explain this. To overcome the ick and deviance, you have to be the kind of woman who’s good at getting satisfaction. To that extent, anal sex doesn’t create orgasmic women. It selects them.
8. Anal sex requires affirmative interest. This is a more direct version of the self-assurance theory. A commenter explains :
Again, anal sets a higher bar. Women who don’t much feel like having vaginal sex often do it anyway. Women who don’t much feel like having anal sex don’t do it. So disinterested women dilute the orgasm rate for vaginal but not anal sex. The same could be said of orgasms: Women who don’t get orgasms from vaginal sex keep doing it, but women who don’t get orgasms from anal sex stop, thereby reducing the anal-sex population to women who really get off on it.
9. Love and trust cause orgasms and anal sex. One woman writes :
This is the most uplifting theory. It implies that the sample of women who report regular anal sex is heavily biased toward intimate relationships. The data ( Table 4, page 284 ) strongly support this. Compared with women who are single and dating, women in a relationship are only about 50 percent more likely, at best, to report vaginal sex in the last 90 days. But they’re two to three times more likely to report anal sex. And women who live with their boyfriends are more likely to report anal sex—but not more likely to report vaginal sex—than women who don’t. Anal sex, more so than vaginal sex, seems to correlate with intimacy and commitment. (Did I mention you should use a condom especially if you don’t know your partner well? Use a condom.)
10. Male assertiveness causes orgasms and anal sex. This is a macho inversion of the love theory. A commenter at a misogynous Web site puts it this way :
11. Anal includes manual. Several commenters at Slate and other venues report that in their experience, women got orgasms only with a bit of simultaneous Christine O’Donnell . One man writes :
The survey backs this up: Of women who had anal sex in their last encounter, 31 percent said they also had “partnered masturbation” ( Table 4, pages 355-6 ). To the extent that this factor explains the happy endings, the anal orgasm data are inflated.
12. Anal sex requires more foreplay and patience, which increases the odds of orgasm. One commenter observes that anal sex is “a more drawn out experience, what with prep work.” This is more complex than the manual-stimulation theory. The best way to understand it is to look at the data in negative terms: While only 6.5 percent of women who had anal sex in their last encounter didn’t report an orgasm, 30 percent of women who had vaginal sex didn’t report an orgasm. Maybe that’s because nature makes it easier to have vaginal sex even when the man is hasty and self-absorbed. Anal sex requires more attention to the woman’s mind and body.
13. Internet porn is spreading the idea. According to a male commenter ,
On its face, this theory would explain only the prevalence, not the orgasms. But prevalence could increase the rate of reported orgasms by boosting the number of couples who discover they like anal sex, thereby increasing the odds that a woman who had anal sex in her last encounter (i.e., the sample of women who provided the orgasm data) did so because she likes it, not just because her partner asked.
These are just a few of the answers people have come up with. I’m excluding the vicarious pleasure theory (which doesn’t explain why anal sex outscores vaginal sex and fellatio at delivering female orgasms) and the virginity preservation theory (which, given the ulterior motive, would predict a lower, not higher, orgasm rate). I also found a few amusing disputes between women and gay men over how to do anal sex and whether women can directly get orgasms from it. And I took some criticism from the pegging community for ignoring straight men who like to be penetrated. Sorry, gents. Some other time.
The most interesting thing I learned from reading dozens of testimonials is that many sodomy enthusiasts have a slight anal superiority complex . They don’t mean to boast. It’s just that they’re more adventurous, enlightened, and fulfilled than other folks are. They’re less uptight and more comfortable with themselves. They’re better lovers, or their lovers are better. And this attitude is starting to irk some anal virgins. “There are plenty of women who are in tune with their bodies and not sexually repressed and still don’t like anal sex,” protests one woman . She notes that in her Reddit community,
So if anal sex goes mainstream, be nice to the vanilla holdouts. And don’t be surprised if the revolution is short-lived. As women embrace sodomy, it may lose its taboo appeal for men. Lots of men are coming forward to say they don’t like it (examples here , here , here , here , here , here , here , here , here , here , here , and here ), and some seem to have been turned off to it by women who wanted it . With buggery on the daily menu, men might start begging for vaginal sex, or even kissing. Won’t that be something.
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A recent conference demonstrated how eager young women in Sierra Leone were for information, and how helpful it is to receive it
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is the author of The Sex Lives of African Women, which Publishers Weekly described as “an astonishing report on the quest for sexual liberation” in their starred review. She is also co-founder of Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women, a website, podcast and festival that publishes and creates content that tells stories of African women’s experiences around sex, sexualities, and pleasure
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I recently ran a workshop for young girls titled Our Bodies Are Powerful and Beautiful at the Girls Summit preceding the 10th Africa Conference on Sexual Health and Rights convened by activist group Purposeful in Freetown, Sierra Leone. That day I facilitated two workshops — one targeted at girls aged between 14 and 17, and the other for older girls and young women aged between 18 and 22. All these girls and young women came from countries across the continent and its diaspora, including Morocco, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Somalia and Nigeria.
I started my session by asking the girls what they wanted to know about bodies and about pleasure. Their responses came gushing out: “Why is the first day of menstruation painful?”; “Is it a crime for a girl to have sex between the ages of twelve and fourteen?”: “How can we get parents to talk about sex and pleasure with their kids?”: “Does FGM [female genital mutilation] cause infection or sterility?”: “Why do some girls bleed during sex?”; and on and on and on. The questions kept coming. Clearly the girls appreciated the space that had been created for frank, honest, non-judgmental conversations.
I had no expectations going into this workshop. I have been writing about sex and sexualities and facilitating conversations on the subject with older women for well over a decade, yet this was the first time I was holding space for younger women in this manner.
Many years ago — eight or 10 — I was invited by my alma mater to give a talk to students about the lives of African women in pre-colonial Africa. I have always been a bit of a history buff, and so I was excited to share what I knew. My opening slide had my full name, and after introducing myself to the group of mainly 17-year-old students, I spoke about the various roles that African women had played in our societies historically (and presently); how active African women had always been in public life — the key roles of market women, the centrality of traditional priestesses and healers, the importance of Queen Mothers, and such. I said nothing in my speech about sex and sexualities. Plus, in those days, I had only been blogging for a few short years.
When my session was over, some students came over to chat and one young man quietly asked me, “Are you the same Nana Darkoa who blogs about Adventures From the Bedrooms of African Women?” I couldn’t quite hide my shock that he knew the blog, but he quickly tried to reassure me: “I am not doing anything, I am just reading.”
I wish I could go back in time to reassure him . There is nothing wrong with a young person seeking knowledge about sex. Young people deserve to receive open, frank and non-judgmental information about sex and sexualities. Young people need to be taught about their bodies and how powerful and beautiful they are, but they are rarely told this.
I know this from my own childhood, and it was a privilege to be in Sierra Leone serving as an “Auntie” to young girls from across the continent, sharing with them what I have learnt about the beautiful possibilities that our bodies hold when they are truly our own; that your body first and foremost belongs to you; that you deserve to feel safe in your skin; that no act of sex should feel painful; that sex with yourself is okay and the safest way to experience pleasure; that no adult should have sex with a child. Indeed, that is not sex but rape. That pain is a sign that something is wrong in your body and should not be tolerated because you are a girl or a young woman.
At the end of the workshop, I asked the girls to write a love letter to their bodies, and a couple of them chose to read their letters aloud to the entire room.
I love your beautiful colour because it shines bright like a diamond and it is one in a million. You are beautiful like damn, and you are everything I need. I love everything about you, your eyes, your hands and legs, breast, buttocks, mouth, your shape, etc
I am happy about everything in my body because it makes me who I am. Love
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