Mature Wife Cheating

Mature Wife Cheating
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True Confessions Of A Cheating Suburban Mom
Aug 19, 2014, 11:01 AM EDT | Updated Aug 19, 2014
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I am a 40-something woman near the end of my divorce, and I am the one who was unfaithful.
I have always hated the idea of cheaters. Sleazy, lying scumbags who were only out for themselves. Selfish egocentrics who were mostly men, with the exception of the soap opera vixen type. Certainly not a clean cut suburban mom like me.
As I have come to experience firsthand, sometimes there is more than meets the eye when it comes to infidelity. I grew up with an unfaithful father. I knew without knowing from the time I was young that my dad was a habitual cheater. The arguments in front of me and my sister stained my childhood and gave me an insecurity that I've finally conquered as an adult. I hated cheating and swore to myself (and my husband) that I would never be unfaithful.
I don't condone cheating. It is toxic to a marriage and a family, immoral and myopic. And yet, I have done what I promised I would not do.
My marriage disintegrated slowly throughout about 15 of its 20 years. Looking back, I now understand the fatal flaws and I know better. But in my 20s when I chose the man I would marry and to be the father of my children, I honestly didn't know what it actually meant to be compatible with someone. I didn't comprehend the factors we'd need to cement our marriage into our twilight years.
I was looking at surface likes and dislikes, political party and our shared preference for Italian food. He was handsome, athletic and had a good job. Unfortunately the facade was all there was. I was in a marriage without a friend. He didn't ask about my work or my friends, sometimes didn't say goodbye when he left the house. He didn't want date nights with me, just the two of us. He'd say I should go with my friends, but when I did, he didn't ask where I was going, who I was going with, and he didn't say I looked pretty. I felt ignored.
I wasn't happy and knew I'd never be. Still, I told myself this was the decision I made. I was married with two young children and I decided I'd make the best of it. I didn't consider divorce. What I hadn't realized is that over time I grieved the end of my marriage while I was still in it. I lay awake in bed at night crying, wondering how it was ever going to get better. He was next to me in bed, never a word to me, never wrapped his arms around me, never asked what was wrong. Our sex life was rote and obligatory and from a standpoint of true intimacy, completely unfulfilling. I was incredibly lonely.
I talked to him, asked him why, told him what I needed. I tried speaking in a number of different ways, quietly, lovingly, matter-of-fact and angrily. I asked about couples therapy, but he refused. Sometimes he would make an effort and that helped restore my hope that we would be okay. But more often he was defensive and said I imagined all this, said I was overreacting.
So I threw myself into my children and work and ignored my own needs. I did this for a very long time and continued to put myself last on my own priority list.
When I cheated on my husband, it wasn't something I planned. I know that's what they all say but it's true. I certainly wasn't looking for it. A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope. It evolved over time and wasn't based in lust, but conversation, appreciation and understanding. Things I hadn't really ever had from my husband. As I told my best friend to help explain it, sometimes you don't realize you're in an abyss until you begin to see daylight.
For those who say I didn't try -- I did, for the better part of a decade and a half. For those who will judge me, I understand and that's your right. Again, I don't condone cheating. If I had known what would happen, and was aware of myself enough to understand what it all meant, I would go back and end my marriage before any infidelity took place. But I didn't realize much of anything at the time, even as I was going through it.
For me and my situation, I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.
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From a distance, they seemed happy enough, or at least content. Like Billie in the recent Netflix TV series “Sex/Life” , they were doing the family thing. They had cute kids, mortgages, busy social lives, matching sets of dishes. On the surface, their husbands were reasonable, the marriages modern and equitable. If these women were angry unfulfilled or resentful, they didn’t show it. Then at midlife, women realise they want more .
Whether they’re working on their self-esteem or thinking of a fling purely for satisfaction, once the fear of pregnancy has lessened, so has the responsibility for children, midlifers feel ready to go back in the game . It may be the sheer thrill of doing something totally taboo at an age where people don’t really expect it . Sometimes it’s a way to escape boredom and explore the unknown or a chance to survive a marriage women still want to be in .
One of the main reasons women cheat is to find an escape from a relationship that makes them feel trapped in some way.
Far from being evidence of pathology or marital bankruptcy – explains Dr Tammy Nelson , a sex and relationship expert and the author of When You Are The One Who Cheats -, a woman’s affair can be a way of expressing a desire for an entirely different self, either separate from the marriage altogether or still in it. An affair can be what I call “a can opener” for women unable to articulate for themselves why they’re unhappy in their marriages, much less empower themselves to leave or begin an honest conversation with their husbands about what they feel is wrong.
The need for emotional or sexual satisfaction may lead women to cheat on their spouse or committed partner, too .
Confident, financially independent , with a more positive body image and computer literate, women over 50 don’t feel as old as their mothers did, and they’re not expected to feel like that.
According to Tammy Nelson, 80% of affairs happen because of opportunity . If the opportunity comes along, it can be hard to turn down an affair that promises to bring pleasure or intrigue. An affair can be even harder to refuse if a woman is unhappy in her marriage, depressed, or stressed in her own personal life or career.
Cheating may be also a way to get outside affirmation and feel more desirable. Some women at midlife, for instance, will seek an affair that makes them feel alive and desired to reaffirm their attractiveness . Sometimes, when she is struggling with low self-worth, she may look to external sources for the attention and validation that she and her partner are unable to create and sustain.
“ Women in their fifties and sixties may experience menopause and have an affair to boost their self-esteem if they worry that ageing will affect their attractiveness and their future desirability “, says Dr Nelson.
There might be also other reasons for women to have a fling: outsourcing the sexual pleasure in a relationship is an effort for them to remain in their primary partnerships.
They believed that if they continued to go without their sexual needs being met, they would have to break up their families and break their partner’s heart – explains the sociologist Alicia Walker , author of The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women’s Infidelity -. None of the women made the decision to cheat lightly. After years and sometimes decades of trying to improve things in their marriages, they decided to look elsewhere.
What’s more, according to Alicia Walker the concept of female infidelity might be also read as a subversion of traditional gender roles . Many of the women she interviewed were in marriages that were functional. But at the same time, they found married life incredibly dull and constraining and resented the fact that as women, they felt they consistently did a disproportionate amount of the invisible labour that went into maintaining their lifestyle. One woman in Walker’s book told her, “ The inequality of it all is such an annoying factor that I am usually in a bad mood when my spouse is in my presence ,” and another said that while her husband was a competent adult in the world, at home he felt like “ another child to clean up after .”
If you feel unhappy in your marriage or in your relationship, know that cheating is not the solution . Finding satisfaction in an affair is usually short-lived and rarely provides long-term fulfilment. If you want to stop but don’t know how to talk it over with a trusted friend or therapist and get help if you need it. Relate.org.uk is the UK’s largest provider of relationship support, and last year they helped over two million people of all ages, backgrounds, sexual orientations and gender identities to strengthen their relationships.
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been married for 20 years.had very wonderful sex life i never ever thought this could happen to me. we are not young.i m 52 and she is 48.we have three kids 18 yr. 16 and 12.

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