Mature Fart

Mature Fart
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30 Unmistakable Signs That You Are An Old Fart
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I thought I’d have a little fun with the truth of turning 60. Join me as I review some of the things that undeniably put you on the list of old fartdom (yes, I know it’s not a real word, but just go with it).
If I’ve forgotten anything, please, chime in. My memory isn’t what it used to be!
1. You make more noise getting out of bed than you did during the night of passion the evening before.
2. Harrison Ford and Diane Keaton give you hope in your quest to age gracefully.
3. Sunscreen is applied every day. Even on rainy ones. You can never be too careful.
4. Your new mantra is never trust anyone UNDER 30.
5. You select the restaurants to eat at for their quiet ambiance rather than their food.
6. The only children you enjoy being around are your own and your grandkids.
7. When you shop the Nordstrom’s shoe sale, you head right for the comfort shoes. Heels be damned.
8. You buy your bras less for the push-up value and more for the hide the back-fat value.
9. A night at home with the dog is more enticing to you than a Saturday evening party.
10. Fiber has a whole new importance in your life.
11. You make a pact with a friend that should you ever go into a coma, they will be there to pluck your chins hairs until you wake up.
12. You simply can’t wrap your head around the idea of a bikini or its relevance.
13. Your knees creak when you walk up and down stairs. They creak when you walk, period.
14. You don’t like driving at night.
15. You have multiple pairs of glasses strewn around the house so that you will always be able to read should you need to.
16. You stop watching the Music Awards because you haven’t a clue who all those people are.
17. You don’t go to bars anymore, you go to wineries.
18. You can’t hold your liquor like you used to, which is a pity, because you need it even more now.
19. You have an overload of doctor’s phone numbers in your cell phone. All specialists.
20. It’s not called an operation … it’s called a procedure.
21. When your glasses are lost (again) they are most likely on top of your head.
22. You lose weight to be healthy rather than skinny.
23. As you fondly remember the good old days when you could down 2 cheeseburgers without a hitch, you reach for the antacid after downing the Mexican combo lunch special of 2 tacos.
24. You find your keys in the refrigerator, your underwear in the pantry and you have no clue how they got there despite the fact that you’ve not had a drink in 6 months.
25. Coupons, Costco, delivery of the AARP magazine and Happy Hours all make you deliriously happy.
26. Glitter, mini-skirts and bright red lipstick are a thing of the past, unless you’re an aging hooker.
27. When someone you know dies at the age of 79, you say “but he was so young!”
28. “Camping” is spending the day at the pool at the Four Seasons.
29. You have more hair on your face, ears and nose than you do on your head.
30. You embrace the rules. The world must have order!
Yes, my friends, as Bob Dylan predicted, the times they are a changing!
Joan Cooper - Oh Tammy !!! You see so much in ordinary life. How do you do it. Makes me afraid to have you look at me.
I love #11. Never thought of that. Must put it in my instructions.
I keep trying, but just cannot imagine not getting out of bed, dressing and going to work etc.
Carole - 31. You can’t remember which homophone is correct. (see #13…a creek is a small waterway, to creak is to make a grating or squeaking sound).
I’m hitting 61 next month, and all of those apply. Thanks for the good laugh today!
Laurie - Hi Tammy,
I think you have them all – except a reference to running/jogging. Unless my life is in danger, I will not be running anywhere any time soon.
How about you?
Keep up the great writing.
Tammy - Hi Joan, oh, #11 is super important! You must not leave that unattended. I see what I live, and then I write about it. Funny enough, so many people see the same things. We are not so different from each other. Appreciate the read, Joan and the comment. Wonderful having you here.
Tammy - Hi Carole, thanks ever so much for the edit. That’s what you get when you’re writing your blog at midnight. I corrected it and you have saved me from appearing the fool. Color me grateful. It’s good to know that as I cross the threshold of 60, there is good company on the other side! Thank you for that!
Tammy - Hi Laurie, run? Me? Oh, I don’t think so. I haven’t run since Mrs. Walker made me do laps every day in high school. I’ve never seen the need. I still watch marathons on the news and look in wonder at all those people doing that to themselves on purpose. Really? I want to yell “Stop running. Sit down. Have a coke and a cheeseburger and let’s talk”. Yup, I’m with you!!
Melanie Kissell - I’m bustin’ a gut and my sides are splitting open from laughing, Tammy!!
What time did you say Happy Hour is?
I have SO many favorites here, I couldn’t possibly pick just ten. I turned 60 last month and , OH, can I relate to your list!
Thank God I’m not the only one who’s going through this craziness. By the way, just so you know, I don’t look my age (isn’t that what ALL the baby boomers say?!) LOL!!
Tammy - Hi Melanie, it’s always good to have a giggle buddy. You are officially mine! You’re right …. I haven’t met a Boomer yet who admits to looking their age. Long live denial!! I know I thrive on it! You are NOT alone, my friend, we are millions! So happy to have you in my corner of the world. Damn straight!
Christine Lang - How right you are Tammy! Thanks for the laughs.
Tammy - Thanks, Christine. Happy to laugh along side of you. Appreciate the comment!
Melanie Kissell - “Long live denial!” Right On!!
Listen, Tammy, forget about losing those pesky 30 pounds. You’re beautiful just the way you are (my mother talking). I just about killed myself last spring losing 32 pounds in 41 days. Is that insane, or what?! NO, I don’t recommend using my weight loss method … it was pure hell. And as soon as I stopped riding that train, my caboose re-attached itself to the rest of the cargo. LOL!
Carole Schultz - Oh dear, Tammy, you are so right…I don’t think you have forgotten anything!! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
Thanks, I think.
Suerae Stein - I’m only 49 and most of these already apply to me – especially spending the night with the dog beats a night at a party! Thanks for the laugh!
Cheryl Nicholl - OMG! So FUNNY! My sister and I have actually discussed #11!!!! I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.
Tammy - Hi Cheryl, so glad you got a giggle out of it. Hey! Number 11 is THE most important one! We must not leave any loose ends. So very happy to have you in my neck of the woods. Now I’m going to visit yours! Appreciate the read AND the comment!
Tammy - Hi Suerae, you’re too funny. Guess you are an over achiever in more areas than one. Yup…spending the evening with my dog usually trumps most invitations. I think that’s kind of wonderful, don’t you? Always happy to share a laugh with you, my friend! Appreciate the comment!
Tammy - Hi Carole, let’s do both. Together. Then eat chocolate and make up divine stories of all the things yet to be. Sounds wonderful to me! You’re welcome. I think. (giggle)
Tammy - Melanie, holy cow! You lost 32 pounds in 41 days? Yikes! Were you a raving bitch half that time. Wait … was that my outside voice? I mean, I couldn’t expect ME to be a nice person when I was starving, deprived and pissed off. I give you HUGE kudos. . HUGE! That damn caboose is never gone for too long. You are my new hero! Thanks for sharing!
Helene Cohen Bludman - Good ones, Tammy, and so true (I turned 60 this year).
Tammy - Hi Helene, glad you enjoyed. I have to wonder … is it just me that has a preconceived idea in my brain that 60 is officially old? Shame on me. I read somewhere that Opey’s Aunt Bea on The Andy Griffith Show was portraying a 50 year old. We’ve come a LONG way since that depiction! Appreciate you stopping by and sharing!
Marvin - This is hysterical. HYSTERICAL! You should be submitting this to David Letterman. Seriously woman, you are a gem in a sea of blogging rocks!
Kitt Crescendo - Oh, Tammy… You never fail to entertain me. Strangely enough, I’m only 40, but living in Florida means I regularly get AARP brochures and have gotten calls from funeral homes offering to sell me burial plots.
Tammy - Hi Kit, we shall laugh (and cry) together! So happy I made you giggle. Speaking of which, your comment is hilarious! Selling you burial plots over the phone? Yikes. I pour over my AARP magazines when they arrive. I’m such a nerd. I want to make sure there isn’t something I don’t know. Must be the “busy body” in me. Too funny. So happy to have you here. So happy! Thanks for the read and the comment!
Melanie Kissell - Bottom line (pun intended) …
It’s just not worth it, Tammy.
Hard core dieting is grueling. Luckily, it didn’t affect my temperament but it created a rigid, prison-like mindset and environment. Trips to the grocery store were torture. Ever been in a store while on a diet and smell all the luscious food they’re cooking up in the deli?
My biggest weakness is salty snacks so I had to avoid that aisle completely … even though it kept calling my name.
My best advice to anyone who wants to lose some weight would be to make one small change in your dietary habits at a time. For example, if you know you’re consuming too many sweets, start there. Trying to cut back or cut out all your favorite things at once is murder!
Tammy - Melanie, I’ve been there. Once did the HMR diet. Liquid only. Lost 48 pounds in 3 months. Hated my life. Gained it back slowly but surely. Now, I just cut back on my carbs and I lose it. Again, slowly but surely. I’ve come to the conclusion that carbs are not my friend. Sometimes worth the consuming, but not often. You gave good advice. Obviously lived and earned. Thanks for that.
Tana Bevan - You mean neither of you ladies spend large portions of your days running to the bathroom?!
Melanie Kissell - Wowzers!! 48 pounds in 90 days is astounding!
I honestly don’t know what kind of cloth you’re cut from to be able to endure an experience like that, Tammy. I considered going “all liquids” when I set out on my weight loss (un-fun) adventure, but I knew I wouldn’t last longer than a couple of days on liquids. I don’t care how yummy they make those smoothies and shakes look! Not my cup of tea.
Tana Bevan - Back when I had the misfortune of being a huge, unhappy, teenager crying on my grandfather’s shoulder, he’d hug me and say, “Oh Baby, there’s simply more to love!”
That may have something to do with my opinion that so long as health is not an issue, women are designed to be soft, squishy, and cuddly.
32: You keep one of those nifty credit card size magnifying glasses in your wallet (for when you can’t find any of your glasses because they’re all in special places).
33. You’re comfortable asking for a senior discount.
34. You find yourself fantasizing about a gorgeous hunk of human masculinity or feminity who enters your line of vision, only to realize he/she could be your son/daughter (or worse your grandson/granddaughter)?
And finally, to end on an upbeat note:
35. You’re no longer care what anyone says, and you finally allow yourself to do “it” your way.
Tammy - Tana, YES you may. And noble additions they are! Of course, I’ve possessed the feature of #35 most of my life. A blessing and a curse. I would tell my husband that I wasn’t bossy, I just had better ideas. Bam! Enough said. Thanks for the brilliant add-ons! I have kept a magnifying mirror in my purse or the last 10 years. You. Are. Awesome!
Tammy - Tana, we ARE designed to be soft, squishy and cuddly. Much like a teddy bear, only with skin and boobs. Lucky for me my special man loves me just the way I am. Which might have just a little something to do with the fact that he is the man of my dreams.
Melanie Kissell - “Soft, squishy, and cuddly” — love that Tana! And let’s throw in curvacious and voluptuous!
KymberlyFunFit - According to your list I am halfway between new and old fartdom. And for the record staying home with my dog is a party. One that I wear comfy shoes to of course! PS Rule 31. You catch yourself hollering “Turn that damn music down” not up.
Tammy - Kymberly, there is a “new” fartdom? Hell, I’d much rather be there! Agreed … hanging with the dog trumps pretty much everything. LOVE, love #31, especially when it pertains to car stereo’s! You. Are. Awesome!
Cynthia Jordan - Oh gawd!!! Those are hysterical…#11 is so true. When my mom was in the nursing home, we would chuckle as I would shave and pluck her chin….and I would think just as you wrote…SOMEONE has to do this for me! I’ve thought of just getting electrolysis now so noone will have to be bothered. I’m so glad you have finally joined us “60’s folk”. And to add #31….Carrying a magnifying mirror in your purse to make sure you always get the food out of your teeth and the lipstick off your teeth….or to put your mascara on when you can’t find your glasses…… Love you.
Sandy - #11. That’s the one none of us speak about openly. My fiancee just recently learned I have chin hairs. For some reason, it doesn’t embarrass me any longer. I think I’ve come to accept them. A friend who is in her 60s said to me before I turned 50 that she gives her friends turning that age a set of great tweezers. They usually look at her funny, and she just smiles. “You’re gonna need them,” she says. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.
Tammy - So glad you enjoyed, Cynthia. I, too, have thought about hair laser removal. It’s on my list! You are SO right…I have a 5X mirror in my purse. Could not see a damn thing on my face without it. Love you right back! Thanks for the visit, love, love knowing you are on the other side.
Tammy - Sandy, your friend is priceless! I was once asked in an interview what 4 things I would take to a deserted island. Magnifying mirror, good tweezers, good book and Vaseline. I’m a simple girl with simple problems. Clearly I didn’t want any natives seeing a bearded woman. Ugh. My answer should have been a power boat. We all have our priorities. Haa! Appreciate the read AND the comment.
Marty M. - I’m not in my 60s (or a woman for that matter) but I’ve worked with many. Your post made me smile, in a good way ha ha.
The ladies over 60 I’ve known personally & worked with seemed to nearly always have a good attitude about their age and some of the things you wrote about.
But also I noticed they were always really sweet and fun to be around.
I’ve learned not everyone ages gracefully, but when I’m around someone who has, I really have to appreciate that.
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Remember when women used to be discrete about farting? When you wouldn’t hear even a mouse squeak? Thankfully those days are long gone!
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