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Published May 22, 2012 12:00AM (EDT)
Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Bisexuality
Infidelity
Marriage
Since You Asked
Recently my husband of 18 years has explored his sexuality with other men. He admitted having four sexual encounters with random men he solicited from Craigslist. After a week of hell, and many a shouting match, he begged me to take him back, claiming that his experimentation is not worth losing his family. As in a textbook scenario, he, somehow, convinced himself that I, being very liberal and supportive of gay community, would understand, and maybe even approve, his urges. Having two teenage daughters and being a stay-at-home mom, I have initially agreed to let him back into the family fold, after all his STD tests came back clean.
I have immediately lined up a therapist, not being able to go through the crisis by myself. I have consulted the divorce lawyer as well, but decided that I simply cannot afford to leave him before I can secure some sort of support system, income, job, anything that would assure my landing on solid ground. Now, being middle-aged and with thin résumé, getting a job will be difficult in this economy, and I am more and more inclined to pursue separation, since staying in the marriage is not really emotionally healthy for me. I do give it a try every day, and every day is an effort, but, although he did give up his "encounters," he still maintains virtual presence in the gay community through porn and his private Flickr account(s). Although not a deal breaker, his Internet activity makes me conclude that he is not willing to make an effort toward the true reconciliation of our relationship, and that his real orientation is something he will not be able to deny for much longer. I do realize that his orientation is not a choice, but his behavior is.
My priority is our girls, who are, hopefully, oblivious to the extent of our marital crisis, but I am asking myself lately if it is time to let him go, and hope for the best for all four of us? I do not want to hurt the girls, but I do not want to carry on with this agony for much longer either. This past couple of months have been hardest in my life, just watching everything I ever believed in crumble apart. My self-esteem is still pretty high, but self-pity creeps in every now and then, hurting my ability to think straight. I want out; the question is do I wait until the girls are off to college (another couple of years), or do I seek an exit now.
You need concrete help. For that, you have wisely chosen a therapist and a lawyer.
What I can do is help you form a narrative or map.
Because you are human you will seek meaning in what happened. We seek meaning in misfortune whether we get cancer or have an accident or are bombed out of our houses by unseen jets. It helps. It helps to make a story out of what happens.
Your story will be something like this. You fell in love and got married and had two beautiful children and had always thought there might be unexplored territory between you and your husband. But you did not go there. You may have learned a way of relating that, though intimate, allowed for certain unexplored regions. You may have termed this privacy, or given it some meaning. But you sensed that your husband was not completely transparent to you, that he had secrets or evasions. Having no clear guidelines, you let these areas, and perhaps these doubts, go unexplored. You didn't press the issue. You made small incremental decisions that maintained the relationship and the family.
It may be that at the first you wondered if this was the way it was supposed to be. You may have talked to your friends about it, subtly suggesting that things were "good" but not "great," that you wondered sometimes ...
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it likely, if you are honest, that you had vague suspicions.
At any rate, now it has become clear that your husband has been hiding a great deal from you. So you are incensed, enraged, hurt, betrayed. You've had a terrible shock. Gone are the bedrock vows and beliefs on which your marriage rested. You are now in the sticky muck of uncertainty. It is hard to walk now; everything is harder.
For a while it's going to be one day at a time, slogging through, some days better than others. You will have to decide if you can continue living with him and for how long, and under what circumstances, and for those decisions, you have help through a lawyer and a therapist. One way or another you will arrive in a future that was not the future you imagined.
What do I see for you in the future? I see a wiser woman; I see a woman who finds new strength in herself to protect her daughters and make a new life. I see a woman who now knows you never really know, who learns that when disaster happens you're capable of more than you realized. And maybe there will be some new rules in this story -- rules about hunches and doubts, a rule that says if something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
We are educated to be sensible and quasi-scientific in our decisions. In the conscious realm we operate on what we can see and hear. But in the unconscious realm, the animal realm, the realm of hunches and doubts, we need to listen more carefully to unformed notions we don't fully understand and yet which persist, in their way, in their language of symbols and doubts and strange coincidence.
I wish to leave you with this: You are not alone. This has happened before. You have strength and support to call on. You can get through this and be stronger and wiser. You have help. You have people who love you and are on your side. You are going to be OK.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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Theres so much about open relationships on the net. I think you'll find generally only the positives get highlighted but there are far more negatives than what makes the net. I've personally seen two marriages fall apart overnight when one mentioned it to the other.
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Heyyy. Sorry if I ramble . . . I'm kind of just thinking out loud.
So, my husband recently told me he is bisexual. He apparently got/gave a BJ or two before he met me, and he said he's only interested in BJ's (no anal, etc.). He said he's always found the idea of an open relationship interesting, but if we don't do it he'd be 100% fine with that. I'm just wondering if any other married couples have gone this route? How'd it go? I just want him to be happy, but I'm just confused. When someone you love tells you they want other people, it can hurt a bit and raises some self-doubt issues. I'm not opposed to the idea, but I guess how do you get over the jealousy?
Some additional info . . . I've obviously asked him a million questions. I asked why he doesn't want to try more then a BJ, and he said he's just not into anything else (he won't even do anal with me). I've asked him how strong his desires for guy contact was, and he said not very much. He says it's something he's interested in and would like to try out again, but it's not the end of the world if he can't. We talked about maybe trying a 3-way, but neither of us have done anything like that before. He had hinted at having a 3 way with another woman, so I asked him given the choice, which would he prefer. He said definitely woman . . . which confuses me more because I thought he really wanted some bi interaction. I've never done anything with a woman, but I'm not against the idea. I also asked him if he honestly is happy with me and doesn't just want an open relationship because he's not . . . and he said no he's totally happy and loves me.
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My wife and I have had an open marriage for over 6 yrs..i am bi..she had a playmate for several years and so did I.we have mostly played separately and it was alot of fun..we don't deal with jealousy so overall it just added to the energy in our relationship..neither one of us has had a playmate for several years because we have had a tough time meeting people because we want to focus more on playing as a couple and we want friends first
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Theres so much about open relationships on the net. I think you'll find generally only the positives get highlighted but there are far more negatives than what makes the net. I've personally seen two marriages fall apart overnight when one mentioned it to the other.
Heyyy. Sorry if I ramble . . . I'm kind of just thinking out loud.
So, my husband recently told me he is bisexual. He apparently got/gave a BJ or two before he met me, and he said he's only interested in BJ's (no anal, etc.). He said he's always found the idea of an open relationship interesting, but if we don't do it he'd be 100% fine with that. I'm just wondering if any other married couples have gone this route? How'd it go? I just want him to be happy, but I'm just confused. When someone you love tells you they want other people, it can hurt a bit and raises some self-doubt issues. I'm not opposed to the idea, but I guess how do you get over the jealousy?
Some additional info . . . I've obviously asked him a million questions. I asked why he doesn't want to try more then a BJ, and he said he's just not into anything else (he won't even do anal with me). I've asked him how strong his desires for guy contact was, and he said not very much. He says it's something he's interested in and would like to try out again, but it's not the end of the world if he can't. We talked about maybe trying a 3-way, but neither of us have done anything like that before. He had hinted at having a 3 way with another woman, so I asked him given the choice, which would he prefer. He said definitely woman . . . which confuses me more because I thought he really wanted some bi interaction. I've never done anything with a woman, but I'm not against the idea. I also asked him if he honestly is happy with me and doesn't just want an open relationship because he's not . . . and he said no he's totally happy and loves me.
My wife and I have an open marriage. We are both bisexual but she has not fucked anybody else, male or female. I have had a couple of small encounters with a couple of guys in the last few years. Things definitely have evolved over the last few years. There was a time when she was jealous over a female coworker I told her I had a crush on. Nowadays if I tell her I have a coworker I would like to fuck she is delighted for me and hopes I get the opportunity. We have a very strong marriage and that is key. Nothing better than coming home to your wife and showing her a video of you sucking cock.
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Discussion in ' Bisexual ' started by ohjoyitsjulie , Jul 30, 2015 .
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com . Nothing’s too small (or big).
Every Thursday night, the crew responds to a bonus question in chat form.
I am a 68-year-old man who has been married to a woman for 45 years, with three grown kids. Over the course of our marriage, we have been very active sexually, but for various reasons over the past five or six years, our sexual activity has declined dramatically. At the same time, over the past few years, I have become fascinated with same-sex encounters. Is this unusual, especially this late in life? How should approach this with my wife?
Rich : When I first read this question, I chuckled a little and thought: This is what the right is afraid of. We get lax about the rules, and bam! Everyone wants a taste of dick.
Stoya : Bahahaha. Because of the stigma that still surrounds homosexuality in some circles, we don’t really have good data on how usual bisexuality is yet. I can say that, anecdotally speaking, sexual interest in multiple genders is normal in my world, but that’s my world.
Rich : It’s true. There isn’t a lot of data on late-in-life coming out either, but it’s drawn the eye of some researchers . I think this guy is probably experiencing a perfect storm of queerness being more socially acceptable than ever before in his life (I’m assuming he lives in the U.S.) along with him finally getting to a point where he’s comfortable with the idea that he may not be strictly hetero and/or that he’s in the market for novelty after spending decades as a sexual being. To answer his first question, I haven’t come across a lot of stories like this, but I also think a lot of people must be going through the same thing. CNN wrote about it as a phenomenon a decade ago (“Coming out late in life complex but not unusual”).
Stoya : I think we have this idea of people’s sexuality as static. And I don’t believe that’s necessarily the case. It doesn’t sound like this guy has been secretly totally gay and waiting to come out. His sexuality or perspective has grown or shifted—there is some research on that. (It tends to suggest it’s more common for women, but it’s complicated.) So I’m hoping for a world one day where the headline is “Developing New Sexual Interests as We Age Is Totally Normal.”
Rich : I also think that with the accessibility of sex today—via apps and the internet—people can immerse themselves in it so much that they find new points of focus to keep it interesting.
Stoya : And we’re able to see a much more varied picture of sexuality, exposing us to interests we might not have realized on our own.
Rich : Yeah, exactly. Seeing those things in motion, as it were—that there are actual humans who engage in acts previously thought of as taboo, and that said acts are actually, ya know, hot.
Stoya : I kind of wish he’d gone into detail about how they kept their sex life so robust for the first four decades. That’s unusual.
Rich : For real! Please send us your tips, New Leaf, so I don’t have to keep recommending Mating in Captivity !
Stoya : So I feel safe assuming that our writer and his wife have a stable, loving foundation. And that he knows how to pick a good time to have a sensitive conversation.
Rich : Yes. It’s encouraging that he’s not freaked out by this. Fascinated is such an engaged, positive word. I wonder where his wife is with same-sex attraction as a concept. And I wonder if it might be useful to plot some of this out with a therapist. It might not be necessary, but it couldn’t hurt.
Stoya : He might have an easier time navigating this situation with a therapist than he would otherwise.
Rich : Yes. Otherwise, a relaxed, low-key approach in very much the same tone as he wrote would be good. This is just a matter-of-fact occurrence and doesn’t need to be fraught. He can be very practical here, especially given the state of his sex life with his wife.
Stoya : Um. I do think he should proceed with extra caution given the state of h
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