Masturbation Stories Women
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Paisley Gilmour
Sex & Relationships Editor
Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
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From the hilarious to the straight-up concerning.
Unfortunately, not all masturbation sessions are created equal. Sometimes you fall asleep with your hands in your pants before anything happens (just me?) and sometimes your orgasm comes out of nowhere and hits you like a shot to the heart. And other times, the whole is just plain embarrassing. Here, people share their most awks and shameful masturbation stories. Two words of warning: brace yourself.
1. "Come back from a week long camp. Decide I want to shoot as far as I can, so I edge myself for an hour or so. I shot it across the bathroom , which is about 10 feet." [via]
2. "When I was around 12 or so I used to masturbate all the time. Any chance I got I would just go to town. My sister walked in on me one time and Dora the Explorer just happened to be on TV at that moment. She still makes fun of me for 'masturbating to Dora'." [via]
3. "Right after jerking it in a [car park], a police car pulls up beside me . I assumed that the officer knew what I was up to, so I prepared for the worst. The officer assumed I was having car problems and asked if I needed help. I let him know that all was well and I was just taking a break. It wasn't a total lie." [via]
4. "My mum had to ask me why I stole her dildo. That day she learned I was bisexual. I washed it before and after every use. I also just took it from her drawer and never returned it ." [via]
5. "I was 13 and dog sitting for a family down the street. They left the dog out in back garden in the middle of the Florida Summer and the thing looked miserable. So after the third day of watching this poor pooch suffer in the heat, I tried the sliding back door and found that they left it open. I originally just intended to let the dog in and leave, but then.... I spent the rest of the week in the master bedroom in a pile of the wife's panties that I took from her underwear drawer , just furiously jacking off and shooting hot ropes of cum everywhere. I had to trash a few pairs of her underwear because they were fully glazed with spunk. I used their little bottle of red lube called Joy Jelly that I found in her drawer. After a few days of that I put all her underwear back, replaced the now two-thirds-empty bottle of lube and got the fuck out of Dodge. I'm almost positive they knew." [via]
6. "I used to be a competitive masturbator and by that I mean I had a series of friends who would duke it out any area, any time. Think of two basketball teams going at but its one-on-one instead. You couldn't break eye contact and it had to be in a sketchy area. I won when I was facing my friend Ralph in an electrical room and the buildings maintenance man walked in. I looked that little man in the face and came ." [via]
7. "One time I was eager to let my big cum load off on the floor but fell off my bed and got a bruise on my ass . I still came too - it was weird feeling." [via]
8. "Many years ago I threw my back out. I was reclining in a bathtub of scalding hot water trying to loosen it up when I got the sudden urge to fap. I had a pretty forceful orgasm, and when I did my cock was at an angle that launched the jizz on a ballistic trajectory that ended on my right cheek , just below my eye. You read that right, I came on my own face. I'm still both impressed and disgusted by that." [via]
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Harry on tensions with the Queen's top aide
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How to stay cool when working from home in heat
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Paisley Gilmour
Sex & Relationships Editor
Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
22 silent vibrators you need in your life
Best clit sucking oral sex toys and suction toys
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
21 open crotch knickers for easy access
10 best lubricants for sex and masturbation
The absolute best Lovehoney sex toys
15 adult sex games to play in a couple
20 of the best sex toys for first timers
31 of the best sex toys for couples
©2022 Hearst UK is the trading name of the National Magazine Company Ltd, 30 Panton Street, Leicester Square, London, SW1Y 4AJ. Registered in England 112955. All Rights Reserved.
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If there's one thing we've learned from this it's: lock the damn door.
Unfortunately, masturbation stories aren't always suuuper erotic and sexy. Sometimes, they're cringe and awkward as hell. Here's 11 that'll make sure you never forget to lock your bedroom door again...
"I was relatively young. I was in my parents' bathroom playing with one of those play-vet-kit-things (the ones that came with a play-syringe) I thought it was a great idea to shove the play syringe way far into myself. In the midst of me freaking out, wondering how I was going to get this motherfucker out of me, my father walks in. I screamed at the top of my lungs, he did likewise . My father ran out of the room. He never said a word to me about it, and I could not be more grateful for that." [via]
"I was 13. Dad stormed into my room to tell me that he hit two lotto numbers. When he saw me, he looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Come downstairs when you're finished,' with a completely straight face.
"We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after"
"I went downstairs expecting him to beat me down; instead, he told me about how his father caught him when he was 12 . We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after that." [via]
"Mum caught me watching porn and jacking off when I was like 13. Thankfully my back was turned and she didn't see my dick, but she saw the shitty late night TV softcore porn that I was watching . The worst part was next morning when my grandma called me and told me to, 'stop watching those evil women' or else." [via]
"When I was about 14 I would use my shower head to masturbate... I did it every day, every time I showered. One day I was apparently taking too long in the shower and my mother let herself into my bathroom (was not allowed to lock doors), pulled open the shower curtain while I was mid orgasm.
"The most embarrassing part of this was that I didn't even notice my mother staring at me because my eyes were rolled back from the pleasure . Finally, after I came, I opened my eyes and instantaneously locked eyes with my mother." [via]
"My best friend walked in on me masturbating to Justin Timberlake when he was on SNL last year... she walked in, and apparently didn't know what I was doing (I was under the blankets). I thought my guilty face said it all so I blurted out, 'I'M MASTURBATING!' She looked me dead in the eye, shrugged, and said, 'let me know when you've finished' then walked out of my room and closed the door. She got me a Justin Timberlake calendar for Christmas." [via]
"My brother walked in on me once. And by that I mean he went and found my parents' emergency spare key to my room and barged in demanding his turn with the modem.
"I spun around, cock in hand, and said, 'Fuck off, I'm having a wank', and my dad shouted up the stairs, 'Leave your brother alone when he's floggin' it'. He never barged in on me again." [via]
"My extremely religious older sister walked in on me once, I was mortified. I was lying on my back spread eagle under a blanket having a grand old time, and right before I can finish she walks in and is asking a question but when she sees me she actually screams and slams the door. Her boyfriend was in the living room so I'm guessing she told him what happened. I couldn't look at either of them for a while after that but she never came into my room uninvited ever again." [via]
"When I was 16, my mum caught me masturbating on the family computer. She walked in to let me know that my friend showed up and wanted to play Xbox. So, inadvertently, I was caught by both of them. I had just got my drivers license so my mum just said to my friend, 'he's probably just excited that he got his license... '" [via]
"I'm in the military and had just moved into a dorm. I didn't really know anyone so I was bored in my bedroom. I started drifting off and my thoughts led to sex so I eventually was horny and started rubbing one out. My fingers weren't doing enough so luckily I managed to find my vibrator and started going to town. I was really getting into it. I was about to come when I hear a gasp and an 'oh' and I see my (who I presume to be) roommate standing looking unsure what to do. She mumbles an apology and runs back into the bathroom and into her room. It took us about two weeks to actually talk to each other after that." [via]
"My dad was always nosy. One night, around 2am, he knocked on my door. My door was locked, and being the type of parent that had a good kid that never got in trouble, he assumed I was up to something.
"He called my name. I feigned sleep. He comes back with a lockpick, and the door busts open. He said, 'For God sakes, on the night of your grandmother's funeral? Show some damn respect."' [via]
"When I was a younger lass I would print out these naughty pictures so that I could fold them up and keep them as secret material for my solo lady time at night. This is like, at 11 or 12 years old. So yeah. One night I was fondling my lady bits and having a grand ol' time and my mum walks in! Naturally I tried to act like nothing was happening, shrugged it off like I was scratching my very upper thigh ... She didn't believe that crap and asked me right away to come have a chat. We sat out in the [garage] for about an hour, side by side, talking about how what I was doing was natural and understandable and it was ok to explore, etc. Mortifying!" [via]
The most embarrassing masturbation stories
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May is masturbation month. To celebrate, Refinery 29 asked several brave women to reveal their most humiliating self-sex stories.
Now, most of us have an embarrassing sex story or two and masturbation is natural so there should be no shame is the retelling of an erotic tale turned wrong.
Still, for most of us, such stories remain within the circle of trust.
So kudos to these brave, or crazy, women for speaking out about the most awkward sex stories.
"My grandmother had gifted, I guess it was my dad, with a body massager for his shoulder," she begins.
"I was trying it one day and then I started playing with it. I put it in my pants. Then it was time to go to college and I took it with me. I lived in a suite with three other girls.
"I came back from class one day and they were sitting there watching TV. I had left it on my bed and one of them was just like using it. They were all using it as a body massager.
"I couldn't tell them that I was using it to masturbate because I was embarrassed so I just let them play with it forever, for the rest of the year. Then it became the dorm room's body massager after it had been my little naughty secret vagina massager.
"So the massaging wand from an as-seen-on TV ad, to my grandmother, to my Dad, to me, to my vagina, to college, to four roommates, plus friends that would come over, plus maybe even my roommates figured out another use for it and it was also their little personal massager for their vagina which makes me feel very uncomfortable now that I think about it."
That said, Betsey isn't that uncomfortable. "You know, we all got something out of it so you're all welcome," she concludes.
Other uncensored self-love stories include one woman recalling having her seventh grade phone sex story, which she wrote about in her diary, being discovered by her mum. Another woman was riding her pillow when she was walked in on and yet another recalls how she was attacked by her concerned cat in the midst of self-pleasuring.
Embarrassing? Sure. But, c'mon we've all been there. Right?
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Now Reading Let’s Talk About Masturbating In Quarantine
Anthropologists of yore could hardly have predicted that masturbating and bread-baking would serve as summer 2020’s premier pastimes. But in the midst of a global pandemic, while quarantine is simply a mandated way of life, most of us are nothing if not restless and horny.
“There are a lot of reasons masturbating can feel more important than ever right now,” says certified sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming , PhD. “So many folks are feeling weighted down with all this anxiety and uncertainty, and masturbation can be a really healthy way to calm the nervous system.”
Orgasm — self-induced or otherwise — releases a whole flood of beneficial chemicals in the body. Dopamine levels spike, cortisol levels drop, and endorphins are released alongside oxytocin, a hormone most commonly known for providing feelings of warmth and well-being (folks sometimes call it the “ cuddle hormone ”). And, as Dr. Fleming sees it, solo sex can offer a welcome (necessary) sense of release as well as a form of escapism. “It’s a really excellent opportunity for you to spend some time exploring yourself sexually. You have time to try new things, delve into new fantasies, flirt with new turn-ons,” she says. “We call it solo play for a reason — we should really treat it like play .”
However, while we may find ourselves with ample time , plenty of us are quarantined in...less-than-sexy scenarios. Whether you’re back in your childhood bedroom, stuck home with your kids, or sardine-packed into an apartment the size of a parking spot with four roommates, “setting the mood” isn’t always easy. So, in the spirit of adventure, catharsis, release, and, well, pleasure, we reached out to women in varying socially distant setups across the country to talk about what solo play looks like for them. From masturbation coffee breaks and art-deco nudes to butt plugs and roommate snafus, here’s a voyeuristic peek at “getting off” in quarantine.
Laura P., 26, quarantined alone in New York City
“Working from home is driving me insane. I’m so restless. I’m dying to get out of the house. I work in film, so I’m used to spending most of my days out and about, on my feet, interacting with tons of different people. My girlfriend also works on film sets, so I’m used to seeing her every day at work and at home, but we’re quarantined separately.
“Obviously, I know this is something everyone’s been saying in quarantine, but I’m incredibly horny. At the same time, while I’m doing all this remote work (lots of random editing projects that are sort of slow and arduous), I’ve been having trouble staying focused. So I’ve found that masturbating can work as a quick, energizing coffee break for me. It helps get my brain back up to speed when I’ve been staring at a screen for too long. So when I hit a rut, I throw a hold on my calendar so no one will try to schedule a call, then I pull up some of my favorite OnlyFans accounts, and I touch myself. I’ve been using this amazing rounded tool I ordered online against my clit, and I have to say, it feels about as close to oral as anything I’ve ever tried other than...oral.
“Then, once I come, I wash my hands and get back to work, reinvigorated. I swear, it works.”
Ricky M., 31, quarantined with her partner in Chicago
“So I live with my long-term monogamous partner. We've always had a great sex life, and when we found out that we'd be on lockdown, our first response was: We're going to have so much sex! In reality, the opposite has been true. Our once concurrent schedules are now the opposite. He wakes up early and works from home; I sleep in, hang out, then study/attend class at night. He's horny in the mornings; I'm horny at night.
“After the first shelter-in-place weekend passed, we still hadn't had sex. A few days later, I tried to put the moves on, but he said he was too tired. 'Too tired for sex' wasn't a thing in our relationship before quarantine. I fell asleep frustrated and hurt, and I woke up hornier than ever. So I masturbated. While I mostly felt the release, I also felt kind of bad, like I'd taken something from my partner.
“During week three, we finally talked about the elephant in the room, aka the lack of sex. He apologized for his non-existent sex drive, attributing it to the (warranted) stress and anxiety of the present moment. I told him I understood and that I'd been masturbating. Much to my surprise, he was glad: happy that I hadn't lost my sex drive and that I wasn't depriving myself just because he couldn't meet my needs. Instantly, I felt better. It was okay to have my own pleasure routines, separate from my partner.
“So that's what I've been doing for the past ???# of weeks. Sleeping in, then masturbating in the bedroom while my partner works in the next room. It's one of the few ways I can feel 'in control' these days,
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