Masturbation First Time Teens
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The weirdest thing about childhood masturbation is that even though it’s ubiquitous it’s considered weird. But experts agree that normal, healthy young children will masturbate, much like adults. The biggest difference between children masturbating and everyone else is that kids don’t know what they’re doing is sexual yet. They just know that it feels good. The weirdness happens when it’s placed in an adult context of sexuality.
“As children, we learn that to touch certain areas brings us pleasure and is also self-soothing,” says Nadine Pierre-Louis, a marriage and family therapist. “Masturbation in itself is mostly upside. The resulting release of hormones and neurotransmitters can reduce stress, increase relaxation, encourage restful sleep, improve mood, and reduce sexual tension.”
In other words, masturbation at a certain age is essentially children discovering how their bodies work. But what is the normal age to start masturbating? In order for moms and dads to know when they should be concerned, Pierre-Louis and other experts have weeded out what parents should not worry about.
Clinically speaking, there is really no age that’s too young for children to start exploring their bodies . Masturbating at a young age is surprisingly common. Scientists have even observed fe tuses doing it in utero, and babies and toddlers are known for masturbating as well, but it catches most new parents off guard.
“Research shows that children as young as newborn infants masturbate by rubbing their crotches rhythmically against the bottom of their crib mattresses,” psychotherapist Fran Walfish explains. Moms and dads should not ignore this completely but respond in a calm way that sets some healthy limits for masturbation. “It is up to parents to gently give their young children a clear message that it’s fine to feel good by touching yourself only when you are alone and in your bed, setting defined boundaries that specify solo involvement and a specific place only for self-pleasuring.”
It can be jarring for parents to see children use their toys, pillows, and even the couch to masturbate before they realize what they’re doing is sexual. But rest assured it’s normal. The reason kids tend to do this is that these objects are familiar and come with a sense of safety. That instinct is a healthy one. Like with masturbating in general, the best way for parents to respond to this is by reassuring that it is OK to use their toys to make themselves feel good in that way, but only by themselves.
“You can say, ‘moving your stuffed animal like that is for private. I know it feels good, and you can do it, but it is private so you only do it in your room, and not when anyone else is watching.’ Say this in a normal conversational tone,” clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman suggests on her website .
Although experts overwhelmingly agree that it’s up to parents to teach children appropriate boundaries about not masturbating around any peers or adults, many kids will welcome privacy anyways. In fact, when parents catch their children masturbating for the first time, it is often in scenarios where they thought no one was around. But when kids are masturbating in front of their peers, siblings, or adults, especially after this boundary is set, it can be a warning sign of compulsive behavior and sexual abuse. So it’s crucial that parents gently ask follow-up questions and consult with their pediatricians and other professionals if that is the case. The goal is to make sure that no one is hurting their child and to foster healthy expressions of sexuality.
“Masturbation is a normal behavior but it can become problematic when the behavior is no longer private,” psychologist Sabina Mauro says. “This may suggest they have a history of sexual abuse or were exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior. It may also suggest that there may be intrusive thoughts related to their masturbation and need to masturbate. These behaviors can be addressed, identified, and corrected.”
For adults, the answer to how much masturbation is too much is any amount that gets in the way of their daily lives. Since young children do not have jobs or responsibilities, this is more challenging to quantify, but not impossible. If masturbation habits are getting in the way of eating or sleeping habits, that might be something to worry about. Beyond that, when healthy boundaries about masturbation are effectively set and children are only doing it privately, then parents just have to make sure children enjoy enough time outside of their bedroom.
“Not so much the quantity as much as the context of masturbation. In other words, do they seem to prefer to be alone to social interactions with their friends? Are they becoming increasingly isolated?” Pierre-Louis says.
If parents suspect their child is masturbating too much, they can try encouraging more social activities that kids enjoy to naturally curb masturbation without shaming them. Ideally, this will get them out of their rooms without making them feel bad about the masturbating they’ve already done.
Masturbation should be a fun solo activity, but it’s far from a coping skill and children should not use it in that way. But some children may use masturbation this way, especially under stressful or traumatic circumstances. It’s worth noting that trauma does not have to be of a sexual nature when it comes to children developing unhealthy masturbation habits, though that is understandably a concern. Sometimes trauma can come in the form of a change, such as a divorce , a loss of a family member, or even moving to a new town. In these instances, if children seem to be masturbating when they feel upset, stressed, or anxious, it could be a sign that they’re using it in an unhealthy way, which could lead to more compulsive sexual behaviors later in life.
“Masturbation compulsion signs include when you must masturbate urgently and impulsively when you feel anxious, upset, frightened, or nervous,” Walfish warns. But when children masturbate when they’re otherwise happy, it is likely nothing to worry about.
Every kid is different and as much as it is normal for babies to masturbate, it’s just as normal for some children to not masturbate at all. While not masturbating enough is not a concern for parents, it underscores the important point that people are born with varying sex drives and there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for how big or small that should be. Whether children masturbate or not, what is important is that parents are prepared to communicate openly about it if they do, so children can have healthy sex lives as adults, without growing up too fast.
When masturbation does happen, it is simply one of many weird things children do as a sign of healthy development. Once parents have endured all of the other strange surprises like their baby’s primitive bat reflexes and night terrors , it’s hard to be phased.
Childhood masturbation is normal, but bottling up parental anxieties about it is not. Even if your kid’s masturbation habits check all the healthy boxes, being concerned about their sexual development does not make you a bad or overbearing parent. In these cases, it’s important to get some outside perspective, ideally a clinical one. By talking to their pediatrician privately about your concerns, rather than reacting to them in front of your child, parents can better determine if their concerns are valid and how to address them, without doing any additional damage.
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It’s 2020. Why are we still embarrassed to talk about masturbation ? It’s an unspoken rite of humanity; most of us do it, yet very few of us talk about it, and even fewer discuss it with our children . Like eating or breathing, sexual urges are a natural part of our biology, and by telling our children otherwise, we can set them up for a lifetime of sexual shame. If there’s anything to feel guilty about here, it’s whether we as parents are doing the best we can to erase this unnecessary stigma for our children.
I remember the first time I discovered masturbation; I was only 9 years old. I had a sudden desire to see what the bathtub water from the faucet would feel like on my vulva — and I experienced a pleasant surprise. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to take a bath each night.
But I also became paranoid that I was doing something “bad.” Somehow, in my young mind, I correlated masturbation with dirtiness, and my self-pleasure became a burden of shame that I carried for years.
When did the shame surrounding masturbation begin? Some of us learned it at church or through our parents, others through social encounters or mainstream media. Regardless of its origins in each of our life stories, this stigma has a long-lasting psychologically damaging effect that teaches children to be ashamed of their desire and their bodies, which can lead to sexual issues or depression down the line.
A post shared by Sex Positive Families, LLC (@sexpositive_families) on Feb 21, 2020 at 4:21am PST
Eventually, though, even I learned that masturbation is a totally normal, natural human activity . By the time I became a mother, I was firmly in the pro-self-pleasure camp. Still, it was difficult to gauge when to discuss masturbation with my kids. But when my sons hit puberty, my husband and I agreed it was time to talk to them about all aspects of sex, including the solo variety. My husband explained ejaculation and wet dreams to them so that they wouldn’t be embarrassed or scared when that happened (which it did, many times).
I taught them that it’s totally normal to touch their private parts, as long as it happens in private. I also taught them about consent and inappropriate touch .
Of course, this talk left my sons embarrassed. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it; as it turns out, they had already discovered self-stimulation and, like so many of us, were uncertain as to whether what they were doing was normal. I saw visible relief on each of their faces when they learned how widespread masturbation is, and that as long as it’s something they enjoy privately and that doesn’t take over their lives, it’s safe and healthy.
Today, my sons are healthy, functioning young men who have so far managed to stave off every masturbation myth in the book (all that stuff about blindness, broken genitalia, and infertility? Yikes). And although I didn’t realize it when I first talked to my sons about self-stimulation, there are many health benefits enjoyed by those who regularly masturbate. It can decrease the risk of prostate cancer and type-2 diabetes while boosting our mood (thanks, endorphins) and relaxing us so we can fall asleep easier.
Sure, I witnessed my sons make a few terrible jerk-off jokes over the years (preteen boy humor will be preteen boy humor). But that’s honestly the only negative aspect of de-stigmatizing masturbation in our home. And for my sons to grow up living shame-free lives with a healthy attitude towards sexuality and their bodies — all in exchange for one awkward conversation and a couple lame jokes? Definitely worth it.
It’s not a matter of life and death, people. It’s just orgasms.
A version of this story was originally published in September 2016.
These masturbation positions prove you don’t need a partner to have a good time.
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Masturbation First Time Teens
