Masturbating While Driving
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Masturbating While Driving
We Do It While Driving: 5 Secrets About Masturbation No Guy Wants You to Know
I don't mean to brag, but I'm quite the experienced masturbator. Not just doing it but discussing, writing, and theorizing about it too. For example, I still maintain that masturbation is nothing like sex and everything like eating McDonald's. From years of research both in the lab and in the field, I've discovered five universal truths, all of which he's been hiding from you. Welcome to the chamber of secrets. An American pastime. Secret #1. We've all been caught. By someone: a parent, a sibling, a roommate, or, for two of my friends respectively, the exterminator or the mailman. I'm no exception: One time in high school, I was blasting a video through my headphones late at night—until I realized the headphones were unplugged. Woke the entire house, I'm sure. It's happened to all guys, whether through an unlocked door or through an uncleared search history, whether through carelessness or sheer probability. Secret #2. We've all done it with weird stuff. We're curious creatures by nature. That's why all guys experiment with a myriad of lubricants. What kinds, you ask? Walk into your bathroom, and take note of any liquid, gel, or aerosol the TSA would require in 3.4-ounce container
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I don't mean to brag, but I'm quite the experienced masturbator.
Not just doing it but discussing, writing, and theorizing about it too. For example, I still maintain that masturbation is nothing like sex and everything like eating McDonald's .
From years of research both in the lab and in the field, I've discovered five universal truths, all of which he's been hiding from you. Welcome to the chamber of secrets.
By someone: a parent, a sibling, a roommate, or, for two of my friends respectively, the exterminator or the mailman. I'm no exception: One time in high school, I was blasting a video through my headphones late at night—until I realized the headphones were unplugged. Woke the entire house, I'm sure. It's happened to all guys, whether through an unlocked door or through an uncleared search history, whether through carelessness or sheer probability.
Secret #2. We've all done it with weird stuff.
We're curious creatures by nature. That's why all guys experiment with a myriad of lubricants. What kinds, you ask?
Walk into your bathroom, and take note of any liquid, gel, or aerosol the TSA would require in 3.4-ounce container in a clear ziplock bag. Do the same in your bedroom. Now in your garage. Now in your kitchen (don't forget to open the fridge). Those. He's tried all of those.
"And, because men are prone to experiments but not always to careful consideration, we've all learned not to use shampoo, conditioner, Vaseline, hair gel, Thousand Island, or anything from the garage the hard way. When it comes to lubricants, it's trial by fire—mostly due to the burning sensation."
Secret #3. We've all done it to weird stuff.
The Internet is the easy choice for visual stimulation, but many times, it's not an option. Maybe he doesn't have time. Or privacy. Or Wi-Fi. But, as any guy will tell you, the show must go on. That's why we get resourceful. And by "resourceful," I mean desperate.
If there's no Victoria's Secret catalog, we'll settle for the Lands' End catalog. If there's no SI swimsuit issue, we'll settle for The Economist (see: Michelle Bachmann). There's the middle-aged woman on the box of Special K (who lost six pounds in two weeks with the Special K challenge!). There are, as per Grandma's Boy , action figures. Sexy Svedka robots. An image of Lois Griffin on the cover of a Family Guy DVD. A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's.
Secret #4: We've all done it in weird—and sometimes dangerous and sometimes illegal—places.
It could be a matter of time, convenience, boredom, desperation, or even exhilaration, but I guarantee most guys have masturbated in over half of the following places: at a girl's place while she's there, in a room with other people, on a bunk bed shared by someone else, outside, in a public restroom, in a library, on a bus, on a plane, at work and—impressively yet dangerous, and, I imagine, illegal—behind the wheel of a car, whether parked or in motion. Of this list, I'm done 50 percent—and lived to tell about it.
Secret #5: We all do it before we see you.
Like, immediately before, sometimes kind of during. I've pretended not to hear my apartment buzz or my phone ring. I have left good friends and girlfriends waiting outside in the cold so I could finish.
Maybe you're going on a date or just hanging as friends. It really doesn't matter: Guys will get off directly before seeing you, if for no other reason, so he can function and have a real conversation like a human being. Then, when you show up, he's nervous because he thinks that somehow you'll know. Of course, you never do. Except, um, until now.
Anything surprise you here? Have other questions about guys' masturbatory practices? It would be my—ahem—pleasure to answer them. Ask below or tweet at me .
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