Masturbating For The First Time
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Masturbating For The First Time
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Katie Muxworthy
November 16, 2018
Body
Sat in a particularly cool school friends conservatory (cool only because his mum used to let us drink alcopops and beers from the garage fridge), 14-year-old me was about to reveal something that I was about to never live down for my 3 remaining years at Park View secondary school. One of the lads had just learned the game “I have never” from his older brother, so being the reckless and rebellious teens we thought we were, we sat round swigging our green Mickey Finns bottles and challenging each other to admit the wildest things we had ever done.
Tipsy from the sickly green acidic spirit and hot from the stares and laughter, I had, very honestly, taken a large swig from the bottle admitting to my penchant for making myself feel good.
“Girls can’t wank” screamed Johnny, whilst the girls cried “ews” and “OMGs”. My eyes burned and I thought about all the holes I would have liked to crawl into after having admitted to something that was apparently so shameful??
That was the first time I was made to feel guilt around my sexuality and from there I encountered it again and again. I didn’t admit to or talk about masturbating again until many moons later. About 8 years later, to be honest.
I knew what to do to make myself feel nice. To create a warm little explosion in my knickers. To touch myself in the places that made me go tingly and shake a bit. But I did it in the dark, under the covers or furiously in the shower, then proceeded to feel guilty about it for hours afterwards. Unfortunately, my experience is not a unique one, and finally, with the encouragement of some of my favourite feminist writers, magazines, podcasts and literature, a 22-year-old Katie started to feel more and more liberated with my own body and sexuality.
The truth is masturbation is still stigmatised, as a shameful and secretive act, especially for women, when in fact it is one of the most wonderful and healthiest forms of self-care we can do. Exploring your body and playing with yourself to work out what feels good for you has a plethora of endless benefits. Getting yourself off is proven to reduce stress, help you sleep better, improve your mental health, reduce cramps and menstrual pains, boost your confidence, enhance your serotonin and basically just make you feel fucking great . Masturbation, no matter how you do it, sex toys or classic fingers and thumbs, is nothing to feel guilty about and quite honestly is a wonderful way of spending your time.
We asked a handful of women to tell us about the first time they masturbated and what that experience was like for them.
“I was mainly worried the first time because I had no idea what I was doing so it didn’t feel particularly nice, not bad but not this great thing you read about in magazines. I didn’t see what the fuss was about. But at that age, I think I was 12, girls especially don’t talk about shit like this so I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought I was doing something wrong, to be honest. When I finally got the hang of what I was doing it was still quite scary. It’s super intense and I guess it’s quite uncomfortable until after your first orgasm. When you know what it feels like, and you know that’s how it should feel, then you can start to enjoy it.”
“I had always thought masturbating was something really bad. It actually wasn’t until I got into my first real relationship that I took the shame away from it. Sex was no longer “embarrassing” because I was doing it with someone else. The idea of exploring my own body was too scary, but when I started to feel comfortable and realised that sex felt good I was intrigued to see what I could do for myself. I was 19 when I first started touching myself. I remember stopping and starting because I was worried ghosts were watching me or someone was going to walk in. I felt strangely wrong but then liberated for it. Eventually I realised it felt too good to worry about ghosts. I just got over it”
“The first time I did it I was like 18ish maybe older and I just felt dirty like what I was doing was so wrong and disgusting and people would think I was gross if they knew. Didn’t care though. Never looked back. The more I did it to myself the more I found I actually enjoyed sex. It was almost like the whole thing of how anyone can love you until you know how to love yourself, but in a totally sexual way.”
“Strangely I don’t remember the exact age I was when I began masturbating, but I guess I was around fourteen years old. I was in the bathtub and I was using the shower for its rightful purpose, but somehow ended up directing it down between my legs. I held it there for a long time, enjoying the unusual but enjoyable sensation of water on my clit. Suddenly, overwhelming waves of pleasure made me want to scream out. I unexpectedly climaxed (in silence) before resting on the side of the tub, in complete awe at what I had just done. My parent’s water bill must have been sky high the following month”
“ I was super young when I first remember doing it – much too young to know what was going on or feel any ‘shame’ for doing so. I think I must have been around 5 or 6 – I wasn’t sleeping properly after lights out in my room and pretty much just touched myself out of boredom and curiosity, feeling a tingling sensation when I did it. I’m not actually sure if I had an orgasm at that age but that never stopped me. It’s definitely become something of a habit.”
“Touching myself for the very first time was probably the most wonderfully confusing experiences of my early teens. Every Saturday morning, I used to go to a swimming club and one particular weekend we were using floats in the pool. I had one of those floating noodles, shoved up between my legs pretending I was riding a seahorse, of course. It must have been something about the water, and the way that I was aggressively humping my floating seahorse, that I started to feel the nicest sensation in my cozzie bottoms. Needless to say, I liked it so much that I continued to explore exactly how much I could rub myself until I got that same sensation, this time out of the pool.”
“I think I was 12 when I first made myself feel ~good~. It was a Friday night and my Dad had let me stay up late watching the Graham Norton show. I remember laughing when he did, but not quite understanding what was happening. Drew Barrymore was one of the guests and I was completely obsessed with her and the new Charlies Angels film. I thought she was so cool with her wild hair and husky voice. She was joking about something with the host and in her luscious gravelly voice she said “Y’know Graham, you just rub it till it feels good, honey” and the audience cackled and screeched and I didn’t know what she meant but I thought it must feel good because Drew Barrymore said it. So that night I did just that. I stuck my hands down my pyjama bottoms and I rubbed myself until it felt good. After quite a bit of rubbing and readjusting a little warm explosion happened that I’d never felt before, kind of like that I had wet myself, and I liked it. And so began my sexual exploration. The next day I google image searched “willy” on my Dads computer and then blamed my older sister when he confronted us on his search history. Fast forward 13 years and I have got touching myself to a fine art and it’s all thanks to Drew Barrymore.”
“I was 15 and my first ‘boyfriend’ asked if he could touch my boobs under my school shirt, so I let him. He kept his hands travelling and put them down my trousers. He was scratchy and fumbly and I felt absolutely zero. So that night after he had left, I gave it a go myself. I’ve always been better than my partners since tbh”
“When I was 17 my friends and I went to an Ann Summers at the local shopping centre, and whilst daring each other, bought matching bullet vibrators and chocolate flavoured lube. We all joked that we would probably never use them. It took me all of one evening to ignore that. My best friend is now my bullet vibrator and I would highly recommend introducing one into your life. Chocolate lube – not so much.”
“I grew up in a household where sex was never discussed. I never had “the chat”. When I had my first period, age 10, I had literally no idea what was happening to my body. So, unsurprisingly, masturbation happened a little later in life for me; it was always made to seem “shameful”, or something that only boys were allowed to do. The first time I touched myself was a revelation. I’m one of the lucky ones, that didn’t have to work at orgasming, it just happened. I’m pretty sure I was thinking about the boy next door – can I be any more of a teenage cliché?”
Join us to talk more things sex, masturbation and orgasms with a group of like-minded women at Unwrap Yourself, our very first FGRLS event this December. An evening promising non-cringe sex chat. Expect laughs, latex, labia and lube. Our aim is to break the stigma that women can’t talk about or enjoy sex and have fun whilst we do it.
Years before I had head the word MASTURBATION or know about sexual pleasure, or much about sex at all!, I discovered how to have orgasms. It started when I was maybe 5 or 6 and messing in our front lounge (a room only used for visitors usually). We has a grey heavy sofa with yellow satin or silk covered throw cushions on it (it was the 1970s and bad taste abounded). Anyway I must have been messing around doing something when I felt good with one of the cushions squeezed between my legs. I sort of recall the nice feelings being very brief but getting them repeatedly if I squeezed. I apparently did this often though my memory is of the first experiences (my mum told me years later it was my ‘thing’ when bored). These nice feelings got me interested and showed me where to stimulate. Again my mother told me that not long after my frequent sessions with the cushions started she saw me humping the arm of the sofa and clearly going all the way. I don’t remember that at all but do remember getting busted by my older sister while riding a pile of pillows and stuffed toys in my room whenbI could have only been 8.
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By
Nicole Tarkoff ,
October 6th 2015
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1 . “I was having sex way before the first time I masturbated, which probably didn’t help my sex life very much. I lost my virginity at 17, and I didn’t actually masturbate until I was 22. I also didn’t have an orgasm until I was 23, so I definitely think the two were related. I couldn’t get off until I knew exactly what I wanted and needed. Maybe these men were just terrible in bed, but masturbation definitely enables you to learn more about yourself sexually.” —Steph, 25
2 . “My boyfriend at the time (who was my first serious relationship), kept trying to convince me to watch porn because I told him I never had. I had no interest in watching it alone. He said he’d watch it with me so that I didn’t feel weird, which if I’m being honest made me feel even weirder. So my first time watching porn was with my first serious boyfriend sitting next to me. We started watching, and he was visibly aroused, while I was inside my own head thinking painfully stupid thoughts, “Her moaning sounds awful. How did she get her clothes off so quickly?” He could see I wasn’t enjoying any part of this, so he told me to touch myself. I looked at him and was surprisingly turned on by his demand. I reached my hand into my pants, under my panties and began just as he told me to. I had never masturbated before, so I had no idea how good it would feel, he loved watching me do it too. It was pleasure for both of us.” —Ava, 24
3 . “I was a freshman in college. I went to a relatively small school, so everyone befriended the people who lived in their dorm building. All of the girls on my floor were single, and were having sex with whoever they wanted, whenever they wanted, as they should’ve. I, on the other hand, was tied down to my boyfriend from high school at the time, which meant I was horny, lonely, and miserable. He would call me every night making sure I wasn’t in the room of some hunky senior preying on female freshman, so I didn’t go out a lot, and if I did I always came home early. Luckily my roommate was always out late, so I had the room to myself a lot. One night my boyfriend (at the time) was texting how much he missed me, how much he missed my body, touching me, kissing me, fucking me, you get the idea. It had been 3 months since I had sex, which was a long time considering my boyfriend and I would have sex almost everyday. He called me that night and started telling me everything he’d do to me if he was in that dorm room, and that was the first time I masturbated.” —Alison, 28
4 . “I’ve been masturbating since I was 15. I started realizing boys existed when I was about 13, which lead to purely innocent movie theatre kisses, and sending AIM messages like Derek says he likes you, do you like him? But when 15 rolled around, suddenly those innocent acts weren’t satisfying anymore. I have pretty progressive parents, so my mom would talk to me a lot about STDs and pregnancy, and it definitely freaked me out. I thought having sex meant contracting Gonorrhea, or getting pregnant (good work, Mom). Since I was paranoid about others touching my body, I decided to explore it for myself. At first I thought it was weird, but when I did it the right way, it felt amazing. As embarrassing as this sounds, I felt so much more sophisticated after I did it, like I had matured in some weird way. I knew things about my body that no one else knew, and that felt great.” —Carlie, 22
5 . “I didn’t tell my girl friends because none of them had talked about doing it, and I thought it was super embarrassing, but one night I was really in the mood, and I was alone. When I first touched my clit it was like an on and off switch that I never knew was there. It was a pretty great discovery, and I’m so glad I went exploring, even if I kept it a secret. It’s funny because now, I openly tell everyone when I masturbate. My roommate will ask me if I want to get dinner, and I reply “No, I’m going to masturbate,” and that’s completely normal conversation in our apartment.” —Leah, 25
6 . “I never had serious relationships. In high school I dated a guy who completely screwed with my emotions from freshman to senior year, so when I got to college I wanted to be completely unattached. I was having tons of casual sex, and was enjoying myself while doing it. There weren’t many times when I was laying alone and horny because I had a wide array of fuck buddies to choose from. My friends would always ask me why I didn’t masturbate and I told them I had enough sex, I didn’t need to. That was until winter break rolled around, and I was back at my parents house with a midnight curfew and absolutely no fuck buddies within a 50 mile radius. I was texting my best friend about how being home was like being stranded in a desert, a very dry desert, and she replied, “Just do it!” I didn’t even have to ask what she was referring to. When I showered the next morning I began touching myself. It was just as satisfying as any of those fuck buddies, and when I returned to school for the next semester, I was much more self reliant.” —Denise, 24
7 . “It was a pretty normal experience. I was alone and horny, and my curiosity was heightened. Thank god I was, though. I began to be more adventurous when it came to sex. If I could experience enormous pleasure from trying something so simple, what else was I missing out on? It was my sexual awakening. Opened up a world of possibilities. Sex is so much more interesting now.” —Rae, 26
8 . “Can’t believe I’m actually admitting this, but I was watching Cruel Intentions . There is so much sexual tension in that movie! I was 16 and no one was home. I blame it on my teenage hormones. Either way, Ryan Phillippe is not a bad first masturbation experience. I hope he reads this, that’d be fantastic.” —Valerie, 22
9 . “I was a late bloomer when it came to sex. A prude is how most of my friends would’ve described me, even though I hate that word. I was still a virgin at 23, and my roommate thought that was unheard of. One day she was venting to me about how her boyfriend didn’t like going down on her, and anything I contributed to the conversation had little value, because I was sexually clueless, so in her frustration she reached into her dresser drawer, and pulled out her vibrator. It was the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. This sparkly neon pink thing that looked like flubber but in the shape of a deformed penis.
“You should really think about borrowing it sometime.” I’ll never forget her saying that. I just remember feeling really embarrassed, insulted, and grossed out. When she went to her boyfriend’s that night, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I went into her dresser drawer and that ugly pink thing was staring back at me. At first I didn’t even want to touch it, but then I just thought, fuck it. I didn’t even bother washing it first, which now that I think about is so unsanitary, but I was so fed up with everyone calling me a prude. When it vibrated against my hand it felt like a tiny tickle, and when I put it down there, it felt like so much more. It was a pretty great revelation.” —Beatrice, 28
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