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Part of HuffPost Style & Beauty. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
As a woman who's been in the spa business as a therapist and a manager for over five years, I've basically seen everything -- the good, the bad, the downright awkward. Not to mention, like all massage therapists, I put up with a seemingly endless stream of "happy ending" jokes all. the. time.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com
Sep 19, 2014, 11:29 AM EDT | Updated Nov 19, 2014
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Part of HuffPost Style & Beauty. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com
As a woman who's been in the spa business as a therapist and a manager for over five years, I've basically seen everything -- the good, the bad, the downright awkward. Not to mention, like all massage therapists, I put up with a seemingly endless stream of "happy ending" jokes all. the. time. And while everyone thinks these jokes are hilarious, the reality is that every massage therapist does have to deal with a few sexually... heightened moments with male clients over the course of his or her career.
But let me just say that boners during massage appointments are totally normal. So to all the guys out there: You don't need to be embarrassed. There is no need to dart out of the room. Most massage therapists are professionals and won't just stare at your hard-on. We really don't want you to feel any more uncomfortable than you already are. So just relax -- and know that we are not judging you.
That said , there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed. What do I mean by that? Let me break it down for you...
Wow sir, I see you have an enormous erection! How might I know this? Because you have ever-so-unkindly removed the blanket that was (purposefully) placed on top of you to make certain I am aware of your arousal. And then to add to my misery you want to talk about it!? Ugh. Gross. These little scenarios I'm completely over. You know what I'm thinking during this game of show and tell? That I want to end the service immediately -- and I totally would if I could! Though, if you make this mistake, I'll offer you the chance to take the hint that this behavior is not OK by placing another blanket on top you, all while silently praying that this is where your shameless peacocking display ends. If not, though -- we are done.
No, really, this happens. If a male client is aroused and then his position is switched to lying on his stomach, I have observed ( far too many times) that he might start humping the table. Humping or "purposeful wiggling" -- however you want to term it -- is a sexual act that is awkward and disarming. Who knows how it might end? To be clear, I understand a client's need to adjust himself and possibly rein in his boner if he has one so that the rest of the service can be enjoyed. But please do not hump the table until you are "satisfied." Or else I will have to, you guessed it, end the service -- and no one wants that.
Unless you are having a heart attack or another similar kind of extreme physical episode that renders you unable to use your vocal cords, please do not touch your therapist during your service. Just because I am touching you in a therapeutic manner and sending you healing energy, this does not mean you can grab my legs, arms or try to guide my hands. This is especially true if you are erect, as this will send me over the edge and I will cut our session short. Here's what touching is appropriate: shaking hands before or after your service. And perhaps, if you are an established regular with your therapist, hugs might be acceptable. But this is it.
Do Not Give Directions To Your Penis
If a guy is sporting some wood and asks me to massage his inner thighs or stomach, guess what? I know exactly what you're up to -- and I'm not going to do it. You are fooling no one. Do you think my hand is going to magically start tugging on Little Tommy because you are inviting me to massage around where he hangs out? Uh. Nope . In such cases, I'm totally disgusted and will likely give you a less-than-average-level massage, just so you don't get the wrong idea.
Don't Blow It: Masturbate Before Your Appointment
Just so no one is confused: This is something I am asking you to do. Listen, to be real, clients do ejaculate during appointments and these are the incidents a therapist retraces in his or her mind over and over for eternity. We think: Was there anything that could have prevented this? To my fellow therapists: Please remember that if this happens during one of your services, it was not your fault. Clients: Keep in mind that in the event that you do finish before your session finishes, your therapist isn't going to be able to erase this incident from his or her mind... ever. And generally, the standard protocol is for the client to be banned from returning to the spa ever again. And this probably goes without saying: Everyone at the front desk will look at you like a creep as you weasel your way out the front door. Now how is that for a happy ending?
To be clear, my intention is not to boner-shame anyone. I am just educating the misinformed who think "happy endings" are a real thing -- as 99 percent of the time, this is not the case.
Please, thank you, and come again! (Sorry, after five years of happy ending "jokes," I had to.)
This story first appeared on Ravishly.com , an alternative news+culture website for women.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com


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Have you’ve ever seen a woman have an orgasm in porn? No, sorry, definitely not the time you’re thinking of. And oh God no, absolutely not when they were using that thing. And no, not then either, they were probably faking.
It’s a sad and curious thing that in the whole internet of things – where every whim, fancy, morbid curiosity and spot-picking fascination is indulged with a click – it’s so difficult to find women just genuinely having a good time on camera.
The lack of authentic female-pleasure online is a well documented phenomenon .
Famous journalist and feminist writer Caitlin Moran has written and spoken at length about the effort involved in trying to find one solitary woman appearing to have a genuine orgasm online.
In her book How to Be a Woman she talks about the nightmarish frustration of trying to find, anywhere, footage of a woman coming. 
Perhaps Moran hadn’t got the memo – female ejaculation on camera has, shockingly, been banned by the government .
Anyone looking for good (read: authentic) female porn online, must do battle with the sex-nightmare of internet content, which is filled with horribly sharp acrylic nails and painful positions that are more likely to send you fleeing to a nice nunnery than get you in the mood.
It’s hardly a surprise that while some studies couldn’t find a single man who hadn’t watched porn, estimates show that approximately only a third of women are going online to find what they want.
You can read more here about how almost all porn involving women has been shot from the male viewpoint – up until the 1980s, at least.
Enter Hysterical Literature , the art-porn crossover made by filmmaker Clayton Cubitt that involves no graphic images, and no nudity at all in fact.
There’s nothing to be found but a comfortable woman enjoying headphone-shakingly loud sexual pleasure, shot attractively in black and white. 
Hysterical Literature launched back in August 2012 on YouTube with Session One.
In it, alt-porn star Stoya sits primly behind a desk, all alone, reading a book to camera.
Dressed in the kind of cutesy, off-the-shoulder striped top that wouldn’t be unwelcome at your Grandmother’s barbecue, Stoya’s reading is increasingly interrupted by splutters and gasps, until six minutes into the reading session she has an orgasm on screen, and the whole thing comes to an end.
Only the occasional ‘buzz’ of sound lets you know that under the table lies an artist with a vibrator.
Session One became an immediate internet sensation when it first launched, garnering over 16,000,000 views, which – gratifyingly – is thousands more than most pieces of explicit online pornography might ever expect to receive.
Today, Hysterical Literature includes twelve short videos of women across a range of ages and ethnic backgrounds, each having the time of their lives whilst reading from a book of their choosing.
Collectively, these twelve women and their twelve orgasms have been watched over 60 million times (which adds up to approximately ‘123 years and 144 days’ worth of footage, according to the website ).
Cubitt’s exploration of “feminism, mind/body dualism, distraction, portraiture, and the contrast between culture and sexuality,” doesn’t require fleshy close-ups or physical gymnastics to be erotic.
You’ll find nothing fake, exploitative or uncomfortable here.
Instead – as many of the women have themselves pointed out in interviews and articles including Toni Bentley’s in Vanity Fair – the video’s eroticism lies in the battle between the pull of physical pleasure and the girls’ determination to keep reading.
Celebs you didn’t know have an LGBT sibling
It’s in the laugh at the end of the session that inspired the name hysterical in the title, and in the smiles throughout, which show genuine, female pleasure on screen.
There’s a whole page on the website dedicated to the experience had by the women in the videos, labelled as essays: “PS: to my parents (who I know will read this), I hope that you are as proud of me as I am of myself.
“I pray that you see the merit, the revolution that I am part of, the importance of this project,” writes the artist, writer and performance artist Solé.
Beautiful, honest, celebratory and miles away from the choreographed, fleshy moral quagmire that constitutes so much of online pornography, Hysterical Literature is the art-porn cross over that offers genuine pleasure with a smile.
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