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As a woman who's been in the spa business as a therapist and a manager for over five years, I've basically seen everything -- the good, the bad, the downright awkward. Not to mention, like all massage therapists, I put up with a seemingly endless stream of "happy ending" jokes all. the. time.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com
Sep 19, 2014, 11:29 AM EDT | Updated Nov 19, 2014
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Part of HuffPost Style & Beauty. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com
As a woman who's been in the spa business as a therapist and a manager for over five years, I've basically seen everything -- the good, the bad, the downright awkward. Not to mention, like all massage therapists, I put up with a seemingly endless stream of "happy ending" jokes all. the. time. And while everyone thinks these jokes are hilarious, the reality is that every massage therapist does have to deal with a few sexually... heightened moments with male clients over the course of his or her career.
But let me just say that boners during massage appointments are totally normal. So to all the guys out there: You don't need to be embarrassed. There is no need to dart out of the room. Most massage therapists are professionals and won't just stare at your hard-on. We really don't want you to feel any more uncomfortable than you already are. So just relax -- and know that we are not judging you.
That said , there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed. What do I mean by that? Let me break it down for you...
Wow sir, I see you have an enormous erection! How might I know this? Because you have ever-so-unkindly removed the blanket that was (purposefully) placed on top of you to make certain I am aware of your arousal. And then to add to my misery you want to talk about it!? Ugh. Gross. These little scenarios I'm completely over. You know what I'm thinking during this game of show and tell? That I want to end the service immediately -- and I totally would if I could! Though, if you make this mistake, I'll offer you the chance to take the hint that this behavior is not OK by placing another blanket on top you, all while silently praying that this is where your shameless peacocking display ends. If not, though -- we are done.
No, really, this happens. If a male client is aroused and then his position is switched to lying on his stomach, I have observed ( far too many times) that he might start humping the table. Humping or "purposeful wiggling" -- however you want to term it -- is a sexual act that is awkward and disarming. Who knows how it might end? To be clear, I understand a client's need to adjust himself and possibly rein in his boner if he has one so that the rest of the service can be enjoyed. But please do not hump the table until you are "satisfied." Or else I will have to, you guessed it, end the service -- and no one wants that.
Unless you are having a heart attack or another similar kind of extreme physical episode that renders you unable to use your vocal cords, please do not touch your therapist during your service. Just because I am touching you in a therapeutic manner and sending you healing energy, this does not mean you can grab my legs, arms or try to guide my hands. This is especially true if you are erect, as this will send me over the edge and I will cut our session short. Here's what touching is appropriate: shaking hands before or after your service. And perhaps, if you are an established regular with your therapist, hugs might be acceptable. But this is it.
Do Not Give Directions To Your Penis
If a guy is sporting some wood and asks me to massage his inner thighs or stomach, guess what? I know exactly what you're up to -- and I'm not going to do it. You are fooling no one. Do you think my hand is going to magically start tugging on Little Tommy because you are inviting me to massage around where he hangs out? Uh. Nope . In such cases, I'm totally disgusted and will likely give you a less-than-average-level massage, just so you don't get the wrong idea.
Don't Blow It: Masturbate Before Your Appointment
Just so no one is confused: This is something I am asking you to do. Listen, to be real, clients do ejaculate during appointments and these are the incidents a therapist retraces in his or her mind over and over for eternity. We think: Was there anything that could have prevented this? To my fellow therapists: Please remember that if this happens during one of your services, it was not your fault. Clients: Keep in mind that in the event that you do finish before your session finishes, your therapist isn't going to be able to erase this incident from his or her mind... ever. And generally, the standard protocol is for the client to be banned from returning to the spa ever again. And this probably goes without saying: Everyone at the front desk will look at you like a creep as you weasel your way out the front door. Now how is that for a happy ending?
To be clear, my intention is not to boner-shame anyone. I am just educating the misinformed who think "happy endings" are a real thing -- as 99 percent of the time, this is not the case.
Please, thank you, and come again! (Sorry, after five years of happy ending "jokes," I had to.)
This story first appeared on Ravishly.com , an alternative news+culture website for women.
writer, Editor-In-Chief @ Ravishly.com

10:13AM Monday, September 12th, 2022
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BRAD hadn’t had a massage before so was looking forward to a great new experience in Hong Kong. Except he found himself in the wrong kind of massage parlour.
IT WAS the first day of our honeymoon in Hong Kong and my new wife, Sarah, talked me into getting a massage.
I’d never had a massage before. So we went to the first place just off the main road. They had a little neon sign of a foot with pressure points on the door. Seemed legit...
We knocked and a woman opened the door, she saw me standing there and then opened the door further with a smile. As soon as the door opened wide enough to reveal Sarah her face changed. It was the strangest thing ever because she literally said “Oh no, sorry we’re closed” and shut the door on us.
The same thing happened two more times at two different places after that. Who would have thought it would be so hard to get a massage in the middle of Hong Kong late in the afternoon?
Finally, Sarah gave up and decided to get her hair done instead, but by this stage, I was all psyched up and really wanted my first massage. So we split up, she went to get her hair done, I continued my massage mission.
I ended up finding a little place on the third level above the salon. It was real clinical looking. Almost like a little doctor surgery.
A local woman in her 40s opened up and finally, this one was open for business. She was very welcoming. She asked me what I wanted and I said: “Whole body please”.
She ushered me into the little room, pointed to the towels and told me to strip before she came back in two minutes.
A few minutes later she came back in and began the massage. It was nice.
This is what everyone’s been raving about, I thought.
She was doing my back, my lower back and moved down over my bum to my legs. About 25 minutes in, my body was so relaxed, I was almost falling asleep.
It must have only been her little pinky, but it brushed underneath the towel. I was like: “Oops”. Must have been an accident.
But, a few kneads later it happened again. Only this time with the tips of two fingers. It was a little higher up the back of my leg and a little further between them...
By the third time, I was wide awake. It wasn’t a little brush this time. I could definitely feel her fingers touch my balls.
This is probably what she does all the time, I reasoned, it’s a different culture, so it only becomes weird if I make it weird. So I tried to relax and we continued.
A few moments later I was relieved when she patted my bum to signal me to turn over, it was obviously a false alarm. I laid on my back with the towel on my front this time. She started massaging the front of my legs. It was a little more ticklish now.
Again she went up my thigh and again her fingertips went under the towel a bit. Again she made contact with me and I let out a little giggle.
But then I thought to myself: “We’re all professionals here Brad, don’t be a child”.
So after a bit of deep breathing, I was able to regain control. This was purely a professional interaction between a 40-year-old local woman and a newly married 22-year-old Australian man. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
Without any notice whatsoever, she pulled the towel away and grabbed my penis. I sat up straight away to cover myself and said: “Oh sorry, no no no”.
The woman nodded her head and continued to hold on whilst I tried to pull it from her grip like some bizarre game of tug o’penis.
I said: “Oh no, thank you, I’m okay” and she replied, “It’s okay, no more cost... free”.
So there I was. Only two days into my new marriage and somehow locked in a one way haggle for a free handjob. All I could think of was that I’d gone and f*cked it all up already.
I quickly moved away from the woman, got up to put my clothes back on, paid for my massage and got the hell out of there. Who would have thought $20 would go so far?!
It’s safe to say I wasn’t off to a great start. I went back down to meet up with Sarah and come clean about my first accidental affair.
She was like: “What did you think would happen if you had no underwear on?”
Now when you go break it down like that it kinda looks worse than it is but on the surface, I had been violated. And no one told me I should keep my clothes on.
Luckily she saw the humour, but I haven’t been allowed to get a massage without her since...
Brad Kearns is a husband and father of two. The 28-year-old began his social media debut with a frustrated parenting post which seen his story circumnavigate the globe. Brad has since kept his 100k+ readers in tears and stitches on his Facebook page DaDMuM as he shares his brutally honest thoughts of family life.
This story originally appeared on kidspot.com.au and was reprodcued with permission.
For more stories visit kidspot.com.au .
Baffled by the Queen’s afternoon drink of choice while on a visit to Windsor Castle, a former rugby international let his curiosity get the better of him.
A woman has divided the internet with a post on social media following a recent flight in economy.
A major request for world leaders to reconsider their travel plans for Queen Elizabeth’s funeral has been dismissed by Australia’s Prime Minister.

10:13AM Monday, September 12th, 2022
A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites. Find out more about our policy and your choices, including how to opt-out. Sometimes our articles will try to help you find the right product at the right price. We may receive revenue from affiliate and advertising partnerships for publishing this content or when you make a purchase.
Nationwide News Pty Ltd © 2022. All times AEST (GMT +10). Powered by WordPress.com VIP
More stories to check out before you go
BRAD hadn’t had a massage before so was looking forward to a great new experience in Hong Kong. Except he found himself in the wrong kind of massage parlour.
IT WAS the first day of our honeymoon in Hong Kong and my new wife, Sarah, talked me into getting a massage.
I’d never had a massage before. So we went to the first place just off the main road. They had a little neon sign of a foot with pressure points on the door. Seemed legit...
We knocked and a woman opened the door, she saw me standing there and then opened the door further with a smile. As soon as the door opened wide enough to reveal Sarah her face changed. It was the strangest thing ever because she literally said “Oh no, sorry we’re closed” and shut the door on us.
The same thing happened two more times at two different places after that. Who would have thought it would be so hard to get a massage in the middle of Hong Kong late in the afternoon?
Finally, Sarah gave up and decided to get her hair done instead, but by this stage, I was all psyched up and really wanted my first massage. So we split up, she went to get her hair done, I continued my massage mission.
I ended up finding a little place on the third level above the salon. It was real clinical looking. Almost like a little doctor surgery.
A local woman in her 40s opened up and finally, this one was open for business. She was very welcoming. She asked me what I wanted and I said: “Whole body please”.
She ushered me into the little room, pointed to the towels and told me to strip before she came back in two minutes.
A few minutes later she came back in and began the massage. It was nice.
This is what everyone’s been raving about, I thought.
She was doing my back, my lower back and moved down over my bum to my legs. About 25 minutes in, my body was so relaxed, I was almost falling asleep.
It must have only been her little pinky, but it brushed underneath the towel. I was like: “Oops”. Must have been an accident.
But, a few kneads later it happened again. Only this time with the tips of two fingers. It was a little higher up the back of my leg and a little further between them...
By the third time, I was wide awake. It wasn’t a little brush this time. I could definitely feel her fingers touch my balls.
This is probably what she does all the time, I reasoned, it’s a different culture, so it only becomes weird if I make it weird. So I tried to relax and we continued.
A few moments later I was relieved when she patted my bum to signal me to turn over, it was obviously a false alarm. I laid on my back with the towel on my front this time. She started massaging the front of my legs. It was a little more ticklish now.
Again she went up my thigh and again her fingertips went under the towel a bit. Again she made contact with me and I let out a little giggle.
But then I thought to myself: “We’re all professionals here Brad, don’t be a child”.
So after a bit of deep breathing, I was able to regain control. This was purely a professional interaction between a 40-year-old local woman and a newly married 22-year-old Australian man. Absolutely nothing to worry about.
Without any notice whatsoever, she pulled the towel away and grabbed my penis. I sat up straight away to cover myself and said: “Oh sorry, no no no”.
The woman nodded her head and continued to hold on whilst I tried to pull it from her grip like some bizarre game of tug o’penis.
I said: “Oh no, thank you, I’m okay” and she replied, “It’s okay, no more cost... free”.
So there I was. Only two days into my new marriage and somehow locked in a one way haggle for a free handjob. All I could think of was that I’d gone and f*cked it all up already.
I quickly moved away from the woman, got up to put my clothes back on, paid for my massage and got the hell out of there. Who would have thought $20 would go so far?!
It’s safe to say I wasn’t off to a great start. I went back down to meet up with Sarah and come clean about my first accidental affair.
She was like: “What did you think would happen if you had no underwear on?”
Now when you go break it down like that it kinda looks worse than it is but on the surface, I had been violated. And no one told me I should keep my clothes on.
Luckily she saw the humour, but I haven’t been allowed to get a massage without her since...
Brad Kearns is a husband and father of two. The 28-year-old began his social media debut with a frustrated parenting post which seen his story circumnavigate the globe. Brad has since kept his 100k+ readers in tears and stitches on his Facebook page DaDMuM as he shares his brutally honest thoughts of family life.
This story originally appeared on kidspot.com.au and was reprodcued with permission.
For more stories visit kidspot.com.au .
Baffled by the Queen’s afternoon drink of choice while on a visit to Windsor Castle, a former rugby international let his curiosity get the better of him.
A woman has divided the internet with a post on social media following a recent flight in economy.
A major request for world leaders to reconsider their travel plans for Queen Elizabeth’s funeral has been dismissed by Australia’s Prime Minister.

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