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Why do lesbians have affairs with married women?
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It's surprisingly common — but that doesn't mean it'll end well.
Do lesbians fall for women who are married to men? All the time! And if that's you, be prepared for things to get hard. Don't expect it to be easy or for the wife to depart her marriage without a lot of hesitating, questioning, and false promises. She and her husband have a life and probably a house and kids and bills and extended family.
Who is responsible for this messy situation?
Sometimes it's the wife. She's unhappy in her relationship with a man and she's trying to figure out how to feel better about life.
Even though she's been questioning her sexual preferences for a while, she may believe she has to stay married. Maybe she's not attracted to her husband anymore and is wondering if she's a lesbian. Maybe he's not paying attention to her and she's lonely. Maybe she got married for all the wrong reasons and is looking for answers. Or maybe she just got drunk one night and decided a lesbian encounter would be a great experience and a story to tell her friends.
On the other hand, the problem may stem from you. Perhaps you are a lesbian who prefers more feminine women and finds it hard to meet femme or lipstick lesbians. Or you're a lesbian who finds heterosexual women sexy and likes to flirt with straight, married women because it's a great way to feel powerful, seductive, and connected to someone who isn't really available.
Once in a while I hear from two married women who are having an affair with each other and aren't sure what to do. They aren't defining themselves as lesbians but have discovered they'd rather be with each other than with their husbands.
Dr. Lisa Diamond of University of Utah does research on human sexuality and has spent a lot of time looking at why women become attracted to other women. She has concluded from her years of research that women are more open and more fluid in how they connect to other individuals than we generally think. And that sometimes, when a woman forms a very strong emotional bond to another woman, sexual attraction can follow. These women are not necessarily repressed lesbians as much as they are expanding their sexual preferences based on a deep emotional connection.
Of course, ultimately, affairs between a lesbian and a married women happen because there is something wrong with the wife's marriage.
When a relationship goes into the doldrums and distance starts to grow between a couple, an affair always becomes a possibility. Especially when someone shows up and starts paying attention to a woman who is lonely and desperately wants someone to really see her and appreciate her.
It can also be easy for a married woman to tell her husband about the time she is spending with another woman. Certainly much easier than trying to spend time with another man. When a married woman is hanging out with a female friend, many husbands never question it. Something really odd has to happen for a husband to even notice.
But most of the time, the cat gets out of the bag; the husband finds out or the wife tells. Then what happens?
The husband gets really mad and throws the lesbian out, telling her never to come back. She sneaks around for ages trying to get the wife to leave her husband but the wife won't go. The lesbian is heartbroken and alone.
The husband says he loves his wife and is open to letting her try this out and get it out of her system. They experiment with an open relationship, sometimes all living in the same house together. This works for a while and then someone gets upset. Most often that's the husband, saying he's done being nice about it and wants his wife back. The lesbian is heartbroken. The wife may be too, but she's too scared to leave.
Once in a while, the wife leaves her husband. Then there is a big mess to get through because of the divorce. However, this is actually a happy outcome for a lesbian and will hopefully lead to a long and happy relationship for both women.
I'd like to say it's simply because you don't believe you can find love any other way. But nothing about love or sex is that simple when it comes to women.
If you're about to have an affair with a married women, think twice.
Affairs happen. Some couples survive them. Some wives leave husbands for their lesbian lovers, but many lesbians are left out in the cold when it all falls apart.
Learn to take care of your heart and yourself. Get connected to a great therapist, counselor or coach who can help you navigate the decisions that will lead you to a great life and a great love.
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Mary Gorham Malia

Updated: 8/05/20


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Women around the world wake up every day and realize their marriage isn’t working and it’s because they are attracted to women. Is that you?

Have you started to wonder about that subtle attraction you have to women? Do you fantasize about kissing a woman or having sex with a woman? Does that make you a lesbian?
It can be a big shock or a big relief to realize you are lesbian when you’re married to a man. That realization can lead to a big sigh of relief that the struggles you’ve been having sexually now make sense.
It can be a big shock of relief initially when you realize there’s a reason why you keep having crushes on your women friends or on one friend inparticular.


I always knew I was attracted to women, but my own homophobia and my strict Catholic upbringing kept me from living as a lesbian. I really thought I could make being married OK. We think lots of silly things when we are in our 20s.
One day my husband came home from work. We’d been married about six years at that point. I had a huge crush on a female friend . I mean a super “I want to drag you into my bed” crush. I never did anything about it, but I know my face lit up whenever she called or we hung out.
So my husband came in and looked at me. He asked if my friend had been visiting and I said yes. Then he really looked at me and asked if I was involved with her sexually. I almost fell over. I felt like he was reading my mind.


My response was “Absolutely no!” Because nothing had been happening physically, but in my mind, I’d definitely imaged having sex with her. I couldn’t look him in the face and lie, so I told him the truth, “Yes, I’m attracted to her sexually but nothing like that is happening.”
That led to a few years of fighting along with my confessing my attraction to women but never acting on it and my struggle sexually.
I’d known since a young girl I like girls. Now I meet many women who have no idea until later in life they are lesbian. The reasons you didn’t know aren’t as important as what will you do now.


That’s what I did for 23 years. Then I realized I just couldn’t do it another day. I couldn’t deny who I was or pretend that our marriage was working. It wasn’t.
There are married women who realize they are lesbian because they get into an affair with another woman. Is that you? It’s more common than you think.
Women and their lovers and husbands come up with all kinds of creative ways to keep marriages together.
Some women become a lesbian twosome with a husband attached or do the work to leave a marriage and figure out how to make it on their own. Some husbands are fine with it. Most husbands are deeply offended and become very angry.
My husband threw me out of the house, not physically but by letting me know he was so angry that he was afraid he would hurt me physically. I packed my bag and left with my daughter within the hour.


But living your truth often requires great courage of you. You will disappoint people who are counting on you staying the same.
You will deeply hurt people you love, not with malice but by not living up to their expectations of you. You will leave behind a way of life, friends you have known, churches and even family sometimes.
Living one’s truth, I believe, is our highest calling in life. Live honestly. Live with integrity. Live with as much love as you possibly can in your heart.
Have you realized you’re lesbian and you’re married? Take it one day at a time. Get a therapist if you can to help you process the emotional path ahead of you, guilt, shame and regrets. Living your life in truth is amazingly powerful.
Don’t wait. Embrace your truth with love and gentleness. Being lesbian is a gift, a great one!
Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.
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https://www.ravishly.com/2015/06/20/straight-truth-about-why-married-women-have-lesbian-affairs
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